If you separated from your DC's father would you stay single?

[BeatrixNotter]

Introspection prompted by some horrible news stories over the last year, women and their existing children being hurt (and worse) by a new partner turned ex.

You can never really trust anybody can you?

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

I couldn't even trust him not to have the children around unsafe people.

I genuinely feel that I don't ever want to be in another relationship whilst my children are children, it's not worth the risk.

How about you? Do you think I'm OTT?

I haven’t dated in 5 years since splitting from my ex, not because I don’t trust men more because I don’t get any child free time they are with me everyday. (Ex not involved) people do think it’s odd though and my ex has accused me of “not moving on” because I haven’t met anyone else.

@PumpkinKlNG

I haven’t dated in 5 years since splitting from my ex, not because I don’t trust men more because I don’t get any child free time they are with me everyday. (Ex not involved) people do think it’s odd though and my ex has accused me of “not moving on” because I haven’t met anyone else.

I don't think it's odd at all, whatever your reasoning for it.

It's bizarre to me that people believe you need to be in a relationship to be happy. Some of the happiest women I know are single.

I separated when our children were 5 & 2 (he left).
I started a new relationship a year or so later, in time he moved in and we married. He was a very positive influence in my children's lives. He died.
I am now in a new relationship, again about a year or so after DH died. We won't be living together while my children are still in secondary education - eldest just started uni / youngest in yr 11. Again I would say he is a positive influence in their lives.
Maybe I've been lucky in my choices.

I'd never move another man into my children's home. I'm so glad my mum never did that to me.

Oh, and I am definitely happier in a good relationship than on my own.

Most of my friends/ family do think it’s odd, I would say it’s more uncommon staying single than meeting someone, most people don’t stay single till their children have grown up that’s for sure and most people see it as “not moved on from ex, not over him” when that’s not the case at all, tbh I would meet someone if I got time to myself but I don’t so I’m single but not through choice, I can understand why people wouldn’t want to meet someone though.

I’ve been told by friends to join tinder etc

@Chasingsquirrels

I separated when our children were 5 & 2 (he left). I started a new relationship a year or so later, in time he moved in and we married. He was a very positive influence in my children's lives. He died. I am now in a new relationship, again about a year or so after DH died. We won't be living together while my children are still in secondary education - eldest just started uni / youngest in yr 11. Again I would say he is a positive influence in their lives. Maybe I've been lucky in my choices.

I'm sorry for your loss, Chasing.

People can be lucky in their choices and power to them. It's great that you're happy.

I'm quite a cynical person in my own outlook so I wouldn't be comfortable but that may well change as my children get older and less vulnerable.

One of mine is severely autistic which I think adds to it for me.

I would want to bring up my children my way without the influence of another person I think, and then consider a relationship again later on.

I broke up with my ex a year ago, but due to COVID and him dragging his feet he only moved out in May of this year.

He has a new girlfriend (online and long-distance, they’ve never met IRL), but I’m happy not to date at the moment. Mostly because I spent ten years picking up after him and basically being his mum and I’d rather chop my leg off than do that for another man.

I don’t know if I’ll NEVER date again, but right now I’m happy as I am, and I’m not lonely. If and when I do date I’m gonna be cautious as hell about introducing them to my son.

My ex and his mother have made a few condescending remarks that “one day” I’ll “find someone too!”. I’m not looking! I don’t want to find someone! I’m taking this time to put myself (and my son) first.

I split from ex six years ago and l'm not remotely interested in meeting anyone new. I've spent this time trying to rebuild the me I lost during our relationship and the thought of potentially bringing someone into mine and my DS' life who could destroy that makes me want to stay alone forever. A lot of people equate being alone with being lonely, but I've never felt lonelier than when I was in my previous relationship.

I would probably date but I wouldn't

Posted too soon. I would probably date but I wouldn't have anyone move in or being part of the family until dc were much older.

My dcs loved DH, after he died DS1 (then 14) said he'd been more like a dad than a stepdad (their own dad is still a big part of their lives).
He was in no way their parent though, I parented and he supported me in that both emotionally and practically.

With DP it's different, because they are older and because I have no plans to live with him before they are adults. But he does things to help with them, and is another adult about (when he is here).
At the beginning of the 1st lockdown both suggested he could move in.

It's over 5 years since I left my abusive exh and I'm far happier on my own. I'd never move a partner in, my DC are happy and I like the dynamic just as it is without throwing another adult into the mix. Friends say get yourself a boyfriend etc, they don't really understand how I could possibly be happier on my own with the DC but I am and it's my life not theirs so...

As for when the younger DC are grown and move out.. nope, still can't imagine living with a partner ever again.

@Chasingsquirrels tell us your secret!

I've been single for 8 years. I did have a very long FWB relationship that was completely separate from my children and this could only continue when my ex had contact with DS. He has now abandoned DS and moved 700 miles away with OW so I have no hope of having another relationship.

I am ok with this to be honest. I have trust issues and I know I am very defensive and put up a barrier. I can't help it, I've been so deeply hurt that I don't want to risk that again.

I'm now 52 with an autistic ten year old. My eldest child has left home. I feel it is best for my son's sake for me to concentrate on bringing him up safely and securely. He's suffered enough loss . He'd love me to find somebody and frequently asks for a "new Dad" but is too young to understand it's not that simple. I am at the stage where I'm no longer bothered and I'm not looking. That is not to say if I did happen to meet somebody decent, I wouldn't give it a go. However, I would never live with somebody again, not a chance 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote twoandeights]@Chasingsquirrels tell us your secret![/quote]
Hahaha

Just to add, haven't even dated in that time, either. There was a lot of work needed doing to rebuild myself and my DC after my marriage to my exh. I left with nothing and had to start from scratch so it's been a journey and I've honestly loved doing it all, just me and them. I wouldn't ever want to jeopardise that by adding a partner to the mix.

I certainly wouldn't go looking for a relationship until the children were grown - and had left home or near as damn it, probably.

But if the perfect person came into my life unexpectedly, I might be prepared to take it veeeeery slowly - ie: dating, but no possibility of living together until the kids had grown up and gone.

Unlikely to happen though, DH and I are pretty solid.

I wouldn’t until my children were older. I don’t think I’d have the energy to date again and parent too

Given that statistically the greatest threat to children is their step fathers/mums boyfriends, no, I wouldn't take that risk.

Of course "not all men" - but for me it would be a hard no.

I'd date if the mood took me - but that life would exist wholly separate to my family life.

It's ups and downs isn't it.
I would never have wanted to separate from the children's father - 1st H, it was unexpected and devastating at the time.
And yet I was happier with late DH than I would have been with 1st H.
DH dying was totally shit though, and awful for the children to go through both his death and the impact on me.
I think they are pleased with how DP enhances my life.
Plus they are boys which I think helps, from my experience of widowed friends with girls they are much more anti their mum having a new partner.

I split from my ex Jan 2017 with a newborn and 2 year old. I've vowed I won't enter a relationship until they are grown. As you said, there's too many horror stories and I'm not xhildfree enough to keep a relationship seperate. I was hit by my stepfather frequently.

My now 6 year old is autistic and wouldn't be able to communicate any issues, she is even more vulnerable.

I am very happy being single, I adore my children and we have an amazing little threesome

I separated and then divorced over 10 years ago, I'm now 46. Other than the occasional fwb if I fancy one, I have not had a single relationship. My life is busy, happy and I have everything I need. I have no interest in getting into a relationship. I am in no way not moving on - I have totally moved on, but I do not need someone else to do that with. I am enough.