If you separated from your DC's father would you stay single?

[BeatrixNotter]

Introspection prompted by some horrible news stories over the last year, women and their existing children being hurt (and worse) by a new partner turned ex.

You can never really trust anybody can you?

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

I couldn't even trust him not to have the children around unsafe people.

I genuinely feel that I don't ever want to be in another relationship whilst my children are children, it's not worth the risk.

How about you? Do you think I'm OTT?

I’m from a “blended” family and it does work fine. Children with step parents are not all secretly heartbroken.

I get being reluctant to date, I really do, I may not ever date again- but I don’t want to be reinforcing the idea that once your kid’s dad is out of the picture you have to die alone or you’re selfish or not putting your kids first. While I get that nobody is saying that, it seems like it’s being implied.

I get being reluctant to date, I really do, I may not ever date again- but I don’t want to be reinforcing the idea that once your kid’s dad is out of the picture you have to die alone or you’re selfish or not putting your kids first. While I get that nobody is saying that, it seems like it’s being implied

I don't think like that. I don't think it's selfish or not putting your kids first if you choose to date or remarry. My POV is coloured by my own experiences and being unsettled by those of others I've heard about. I wish nothing but happiness for separated mothers, be it single or not. It's entirely an individual choice.

Absolutely it’s a choice.

I suppose I’m reluctant about the topic because it’s so easy to feel like as a single mother you’ve signed up to be “Motherhood’s Next Top Martyr!” in everyone else’s eyes.

I don’t think women who date are selfish, and I don’t think women who don’t are lonely.

Maybe I’m talking out my backside, i just think single mums are judged enough, so I was a bit cautious. I’m glad you don’t think like that OP.

@CatJumperTwat

One thing to note is that the parents of children in 'blended' families often say it works fine and the children are very happy. The children in these families usually say the opposite, but they don't want to upset their parent. Most children don't want unrelated people moving in their home, especially other kids.

I think that’s a really important watch out @CatJumperTwat but I’m not sure that it’s fair to say that children usually say the opposite. I’ve posted above, that my child says she’s happy. I wouldn’t dream of saying what children “usually” say though - and whether they mean it or not. How would I know? So I think it’s unfair to say that it’s usually not the case that children are happy.

I’m sure it definitely is the case - though whether that’s sometimes, often, or usually - I wouldn’t be able to say.

Believe me, I agonised over the decision to move my husband in. When he did, we kept our finances separate and I told him under no circumstances was he to sell his house - I was quite explicit that if things were working for my child, he needed to be able to move back out again easily. I despair when I see people on MN moving in together via giving up homes - I think you should ALWAYS trial run.

But my child, after experiencing a stepfather moving in to my home, was regularly chatting away to me about daddy’s girlfriend and how she hoped they’d get married and she’d move in. Frankly, occasionally I could do without hearing how fab she is 🤣
I don’t think my daughter bothers about what she thinks I want to hear. She’s a typically throughly self absorbed teen - but adorable with it! I’ve had things over the years like her saying she wants her stepmum to come to my house to do her hair for a party, because she’s good at hair and, “you’re not, mum.”

I said it upthread - I’m biased, and this could all change. But I’ve been so wary of this, and I really have picked up no issue at all from my child about having stepfather and stepmother living in her homes. I hope that continues, and that I’m not deluding myself!

But like I said before, I want to provide another story for balance.

Now my stepchildren… I am certain they’d have bloody hated to live with me! Almost adults when we met, it would be like being forced into a house share! We get on fine, but it would be like living with random extra adult who possibly is perceived to have more “power” than you as you’re still “just” a child. We postponed living together for several years because of this.

I really think you have wise words, but I also would hate anyone else living in a blended family to think they’ve done something awful. Case by case basis, always.

I doubt i would until the kids were grown and moved out.

If I split up with DH or something happened to him I'd be wary of leaping into a new relationship, and I'd certainly take it very slowly with introducing anyone to my kids, moving in together etc.

I find it hard to picture myself staying single long term though. I like being in a relationship.

I split up with exH in 2014. I bought a house with DP in June this year. We have been together since 2018. It was a massive massive deal to me to buy a house with another man (I got a broken jaw and 20k for my last efforts) and have him living with my DC, he gave me years of patience and understanding until I decided it was what I wanted.

I think i subconsciously wait until DC were older. Eldest is 18, middle 13, youngest 10. My DP is so gentle but I am under no illusion that people change and watch it constantly. He does not parent my DC at all (my choice) and has no DC of his own (he is 8 years younger than me). So it doesn't feel a negative, stressful thing at all, in fact financially and emotionally my DC have benefitted from DP, they really like him and say he is the most zen, calm person in their life (I am quite highly strung). Thet are pleased we no longer use food banks and their housing and standard of living improved. I studied to change that, we were very poor for a few years. But a second high income has helped obviously. But would I have another relationship after him? No. I love DP and I am with him because he is very special. I can't imagine striking so lucky again. I wouldn't want a series of men in my DC's life, someone had to bring a massive positive to my DC for me to even consider it and DP did. I am glad its happened but I wouldn't try again. It is a big gamble.

No, and I didn't.

I think that’s a really important watch out @CatJumperTwat but I’m not sure that it’s fair to say that children usually say the opposite.

Well, you can read threads on here where people ask about 'blended' family experiences. Nearly all the parents say it works great and the kids are happy. Nearly all the posters who were those kids say it was horrible.

P.S. I'm definitely not saying your children must be unhappy, Cocomarine! You sound like you're doing everything possible to make sure they are happy. But I don't think happiness is the norm in these situations, sadly.

Easy to say as I’m not in this position. But I don’t think I’d move someone else into our home, no. I’d possibly consider being in a relationship but living separately.

I'm still with DH but if we split, I wouldn't date until he was much older. Fwb maybe but no introducing a new man to the kids kind of stuff. I've also said I'll never have children with anyone else. I would hate to have one child with a great relationship with their dad and another whose dad never saw them

My husband left me when my children were quite young 7 & 6. I vowed I would never marry again. I was devestated that my marriage hadn't worked and my children would have 2 homes, I'd have to share them with my ex husband and his new partner, now wife etc. Though it was very clear that the marriage wasn't working despite being together for 20 years. I didn't even glance in the direction of a man for at least 12 - 18 months. Then I started to date a bit casually; it was lonely when the kids weren't home, (My ex had them a reasonable amount of time and took them on holiays etc). I wasn't looking to meet 'the one', just filling the time and having a bit of adult fun, without my childrens involvement. My childen never met the men I dated, all very seperate. 4 years later I met someone who I felt very different about and fell very much in love with and ended up marrying. The kids were on board otherwise he wouldn't have moved in and we wouldn't have married. If i'm honest there are times that we have all struggled, kids, husband, me (though all families no matter what the dynamics do at different points) but we are all pretty happy. There is no hard and fast rules, every situation is diferent. If you are happy being single then great, whatever works for you and your family. I have always maintained some financial control, which is very important to me, divorce taught me never to be financially dependednt on a man again (I had given up my career to be a stay at home mum, whilst my ex husband persued a very successful career), the home we live in is mine and I am finanically independent and can support the kids as I did for the years when I lived by myself. I worked hard, refreshed my qualifications and now run a successful business. My husband rents out his property, if things go wrong the kids would still have their home and he would leave. Should this marriage not work out, I can confidently say I would never move another man into my home though whilst kids were still living here. If I wanted to I would certainly date, but wouldn't close doors with anyone again whilst my kids were still at home (they are now 16 and 15).

I agree OP. While I’m sure there are very many positive stories about blended families/new relationships etc, my personally I have only ever encountered the negative ones. I certainly don’t think everyone should do the same as me though, and I don’t see it as martyring myself, it would just be my personal choice to stay single.

Hopefully it will never happen, things are good between DH and I but if anything were to ever happen, I think I would stay single until DD was grown up and settled. Maybe even longer than that.

To be honest modern dating does not look like something I would enjoy.

I purposely stayed single for several year after I split up with DC dad. I dated lots but no one knew where I lived or met my children.

It wasn't until the youngest turned 16 that I became involved with someone seriously.

Im with dp 30 years and we still have young dc.If we split or he died i dont think i could be bothered with a new relationship.
I would like time for me.
Im quite happy being on my own.
And i certainly wouldnt be moving anyone in while the kids are young.
Just not worth the hassle.

I remarried after about 7 years. It's been good for DD, she finally has a male role model in her life to show her that she doesn't have to spend her life being picked and put down at will. Our quality of life across the board is better - she has siblings, I've been able to sahp and we have more materially too.

Was discussing this with best friend recently. Her DM was widowed when she was 12 and never even dated. She wanted to focus on the children. Which she did. A LOT. My beautiful friend is a whole mess of issues and while she adores her DM, her and both her brothers are extremely aware that they have occupied too much of their mothers life and attention, that she is now old and a bit lonely, and that their teens and early twenties were a bit inappropriate really. Less freedom, less ability to build their own resilience and life experiences, too much reliance on their nuclear family. It can go both ways I think.

I would probably date but unless it was someone incredibly special and we took it very, VERY slowly I can’t really imagine wanting to introduce a step parent and potentially step siblings or half siblings.

I left my 3.5 yr old twins' Dad when they were 5 months old.
I haven't dated/had sex since.
It's a combination of lack of time (no support from anyone; ex lives other side of country, no bio family etc), healing from previous shitty relationships, wanting to focus on my daughters, not really trusting guys at all, not wanting another person interfering with my life etc.

Yes I'd stay single - but that's because I'm 52, been with DH for 27 years, and have grown up children. I have no desire whatsoever to have another live-in partner or husband - I'd be happy with a companion but wouldn't want the hassle of step children or another person's mess and stuff in my house. I love DH dearly, but I'd be happy living on my own.

I think dating is fine.

I would never move another partner into our child's home and I would have to be dating them for a very long time before they even met our son.

I've been single more than 10 years now since splitting with my youngests dad. I don't know if I'll ever actually date again really, partly due to being busy with life and kids but also I'd have no idea where or how to need someone new these days. Staying single was a choice I made as I don't seem to nake great choices when it comes to the opposite sex so it was just easier all round.

I had hoped to meet someone nice and experience love and marriage after leaving abusive ex and father of my children. Kept making bad choices though. Luckily both times I realised before I had moved them in although wasted many years on those two idiots. I won't try again though, far too risky and I don't trust my judgment (plus too old for more children now which once I would have loved so doesn't seem worth the heartache and smelly socks).

No it’s selfish and you’re putting your children at work.

Maybe I’d date but never ever combine households.

My mum put her partners before us, we were in some awful situations. I’m surprised I wasn’t abused to be honest.. because they would have had every opportunity.