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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you separated from your DC's father would you stay single?

203 replies

BeatrixNotter · 21/09/2021 09:24

Introspection prompted by some horrible news stories over the last year, women and their existing children being hurt (and worse) by a new partner turned ex.

You can never really trust anybody can you?

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

I couldn't even trust him not to have the children around unsafe people.

I genuinely feel that I don't ever want to be in another relationship whilst my children are children, it's not worth the risk.

How about you? Do you think I'm OTT?

OP posts:
1309username · 22/09/2021 21:35

It always surprised me when I hear of people moving in with someone soon after divorce or being widowed.

This is no judgement at all by the way.

I love being alone and if I was to separate/partner died, yes, I would probably eventually date, but there’s no way I would rush into moving in with anyone, maybe ever.

I’m 51, maybe if I was younger I would feel differently.

Needaholiday101 · 22/09/2021 21:40

No I wouldn't have always said that not until the kids left home. I had 3 stepdads, my mum has been married 4 times I don't want the same for my kids.

Autumngoldleaf · 22/09/2021 21:49

God forbid... But I'd always put them first.

Autumngoldleaf · 22/09/2021 21:50

I don't like being alone it would be hard but I couldn't do that to the dc..
Some people just need to be with someone and struggle to put their dc first

Suzi888 · 22/09/2021 21:51

I certainly wouldn’t go looking. But if David Duchovny knocked my door, I might make an exception.

TeachesOfPeaches · 22/09/2021 21:51

I've been single since my son was 8 months old and now he is nearly 6. Not had a man anywhere near me in all that time

1309username · 22/09/2021 22:04

@Suzi888, great cameo in The Chair

Sceptre86 · 22/09/2021 22:06

I don't think I would but whilst I love my dh I could quite happily live without him. I am an introvert by mature and like my own space so would quite happily potter about on my own once I had dealt with my kids. Everyone is different though, some people crave the company of others and would find it quite a lonely existence.

Sceptre86 · 22/09/2021 22:07

*nature

OddSockReunion · 22/09/2021 22:07

Some people just need to be with someone and struggle to put their dc first

I agree. And those people should think much more carefully than they seem to, before having children in the first place.

HereticFanjo · 22/09/2021 22:22

@SafeMove

I split up with exH in 2014. I bought a house with DP in June this year. We have been together since 2018. It was a massive massive deal to me to buy a house with another man (I got a broken jaw and 20k for my last efforts) and have him living with my DC, he gave me years of patience and understanding until I decided it was what I wanted.

I think i subconsciously wait until DC were older. Eldest is 18, middle 13, youngest 10. My DP is so gentle but I am under no illusion that people change and watch it constantly. He does not parent my DC at all (my choice) and has no DC of his own (he is 8 years younger than me). So it doesn't feel a negative, stressful thing at all, in fact financially and emotionally my DC have benefitted from DP, they really like him and say he is the most zen, calm person in their life (I am quite highly strung). Thet are pleased we no longer use food banks and their housing and standard of living improved. I studied to change that, we were very poor for a few years. But a second high income has helped obviously. But would I have another relationship after him? No. I love DP and I am with him because he is very special. I can't imagine striking so lucky again. I wouldn't want a series of men in my DC's life, someone had to bring a massive positive to my DC for me to even consider it and DP did. I am glad its happened but I wouldn't try again. It is a big gamble.

He sounds lovely @SafeMove. Do you think you'll have a child together or is he not fussed?
BOOMshakeshakeshaketheroom · 22/09/2021 22:38

My father left when I was 11, and my siblings were nine and six. Mid-eighties. My mother never had another relationship, and I know her concerns about the risks of step-fathers abusing the kids was her #1 reason. Obviously I speak now with the luxury of not having been put at risk/wasn't abused, but I do think it's a huge shame she missed out on someone who could really have enhanced her – and mine and my siblings'– lives.

My father remarried and though I didn't get raised with his second wife's daughters, I'm glad I know them, and the one the same age as me is a real boon to my life.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/09/2021 22:43

@Pinkyxx

Happily single for 10 years. DC is happier, I am happier. I just don't think I could risk another relationship, as others have said, if someone I'd known for years could turn out to be so abusive how can I trust another man won't be the same? I couldn't put DC through that again, nor could I do it myself. I'm still recovering 10 years later. He changed me forever, and some scars don't heal. That's not to say there aren't decent men out there, but I just wouldn't risk it. I'm perfectly happy as I am, so why risk it?
You could be writing about me. We're fine as we are! 💐
BorderlineHappy · 22/09/2021 22:48

I would definitely not ever live with a man again if/when DP and I split up. I cannot tell you how much I crave my own space and I if I were to regain it, I'd never let a partner into it again.
@UnsolicitedDickPic love be what he username 🤣 but that's exactly how I feel.

OddSockReunion · 22/09/2021 23:58

@BOOMshakeshakeshaketheroom

My father left when I was 11, and my siblings were nine and six. Mid-eighties. My mother never had another relationship, and I know her concerns about the risks of step-fathers abusing the kids was her #1 reason. Obviously I speak now with the luxury of not having been put at risk/wasn't abused, but I do think it's a huge shame she missed out on someone who could really have enhanced her – and mine and my siblings'– lives.

My father remarried and though I didn't get raised with his second wife's daughters, I'm glad I know them, and the one the same age as me is a real boon to my life.

Or, she could have remarried a monster who traumatised you are your siblings resulting in lifelong difficulties for you and all of your siblings, having to provide for and fend for yourself from aged 17 as an abused and traumatised minor... etc. You should thank you mother very much for taking her responsibility to you seriously and putting your first. I've lived the alternative she feared and wish my mother had loved us enough to put our safety first like yours did.
OddSockReunion · 23/09/2021 00:01

Awful spelling mistakes, apologies - it is late and an emotive subject for me - but hope it is still understandable.

You were very lucky. She did exactly the right thing and it's not sad at all. She is probably a lot happier than my mother is now.

Imcatmum · 23/09/2021 00:02

I suspect I'd stay single. I don't need a man to be happy but love my DH so am happy to have him in my world. What's the chances of finding someone else as good that I am also attracted to?

shamalidacdak · 23/09/2021 04:10

Yep never dated again. I've never understood women who date after a split the risk to your children is just too great.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/09/2021 05:45

I got divorced 7 and a half years ago and yes I've stayed single. I have a step parent myself and it wasn't a great experience so I don't want to put DS through that, plus I could never fully trust a man alone in my home with DS unfortunately.

I have dated casually and had a FWB for a couple of years, it worked well as I saw him only when DS was at his dad's house. I'd consider something like that again but not a proper relationship.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/09/2021 05:53

@PoolNooodle

The overall concept of never dating/blending families seems to be a Mumsnet thing. Most parents I know who aren't with DC's other parent seem to have eventually met someone new

Yes exactly, I don't know any woman who have never dated again after splitting with their children's father and of course fathers aren't expected to never date again until their children are adults, only mothers .

Unfortunately there are differences. Stepfathers are in general more of a risk to children than stepmothers, also the children more often than not live full time with their mothers and see dad EOW.
RoseMartha · 23/09/2021 06:12

After being in an abusive marriage where he still is abusive either via the dc or on the phone or at contact hand over I have to say no I dont want another relationship.

Plumtree391 · 23/09/2021 06:23

PoolNooodle

The overall concept of never dating/blending families seems to be a Mumsnet thing. Most parents I know who aren't with DC's other parent seem to have eventually met someone new

Yes exactly, I don't know any woman who have never dated again after splitting with their children's father and of course fathers aren't expected to never date again until their children are adults, only mothers .
........
Nothing wrong with dating, it's the moving in together thing about which many people are wary. A lot of on Mumsnet have done the 'moving in' and have all sorts of problems with step children and their children. They might have been happier had they stayed in their own homes and not tried to combine.

Going out and spending time with someone is nice. It doesn't have to lead anywhere or affect your children at all.

Toodlydoo · 23/09/2021 06:28

My DH is great but I still just couldn’t be arsed starting again frankly. Knackered as it is.

Underamour · 23/09/2021 06:42

I would love to date. There was definitely an element of keeping them safe by not dating earlier. They are now huge, powerful and confident- if any man tried to harm me or them he would get a lot more than he expected! I too, found people telling me to “get a life” annoying. I had my reasons and I don’t like telling acquaintances my personal affairs.

Lucyccfc68 · 23/09/2021 07:18

I split from DS’s Dad 13 years ago and have been single ever since. A mix of protecting and putting DS first, couldn’t be arsed and wanting to be 100% independent.

I don’t need a man - I am financially secure, own my own home, drive and have a lovely circle of friends. I get to make all my own choices and decisions.

DS is 16 now and I invest a fair bit of time in helping him to develop himself in terms of his career choice (lots of driving him about and sitting around watching him). The weekends he is with his Dad, I go out with friends (male and female).

I like my life and am probably a bit to set in my ways to ever have another relationship with a man.

I have, on a rare occasion, wondered if it would be nice to be in a relationship. That thought usually lasts for about 2 minutes and it’s always ‘no I can’t be bothered’.