If you separated from your DC's father would you stay single?

[BeatrixNotter]

Introspection prompted by some horrible news stories over the last year, women and their existing children being hurt (and worse) by a new partner turned ex.

You can never really trust anybody can you?

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

I couldn't even trust him not to have the children around unsafe people.

I genuinely feel that I don't ever want to be in another relationship whilst my children are children, it's not worth the risk.

How about you? Do you think I'm OTT?

It's an added bonus for your ex that he's stopping you from having another relationship. You might be surprised just how important it is for some men to make sure that their ex isn't allowed to move on or is put off all men in the future. Essentially for them, the fact that they don't want use of your body any more doesn't mean they are prepared to allow you to decide what or who touches it in the future; their penis needs to be the last one that ever goes near you.

It's not him stopping me having another relationship though. I just wouldn't want one whilst I have young DC.

My ex aside, I've seen and heard too many negatives playing out when a new partner comes on the scene and not just from a domestic abuse POV.

@Bopahula

I left my exH nearly 5 years ago.

I dated someone for 12 months but he never met my DD.
I like dating, meeting people, meals out, but I don't want a committed relationship and I don't want them to meet my DD.
I go in cycles. Happy for a year or two and then have an itch and get a FWB for a while.
I love my time with my DD and all the crazy adventures and holidays we have. I want to keep that to us two.

As DD spends three nights a week with her dad I do get to enact the FWB part when I fancy it.

DD aside I'm not sure I will ever want to cohabit again anyway. And I'd never get married. My friend is just divorcing and her ex is getting so much more from her because she has a kick ass job and he doesn't. They don't have joint kids or anything but she's having to pay him a lot of money to get rid. I'd never risk my (and more importantly DD's) financial security on marriage.

Your friend needs a better lawyer!

@BeatrixNotter

It's an added bonus for your ex that he's stopping you from having another relationship. You might be surprised just how important it is for some men to make sure that their ex isn't allowed to move on or is put off all men in the future. Essentially for them, the fact that they don't want use of your body any more doesn't mean they are prepared to allow you to decide what or who touches it in the future; their penis needs to be the last one that ever goes near you.

It's not him stopping me having another relationship though. I just wouldn't want one whilst I have young DC.

My ex aside, I've seen and heard too many negatives playing out when a new partner comes on the scene and not just from a domestic abuse POV.

Having a crazy new ex did the job with no apparent effort or involvement from him.

Anyhow, you might not have met anybody interested, so it's all a bit moot - but it's worth bearing in mind that declaring it the only reasonable and responsible course for a woman to take feeds into the narrative of many, many abusive and controlling men after the original relationship or marriage has ended.

it's worth bearing in mind that declaring it the only reasonable and responsible course for a woman to take feeds into the narrative of many, many abusive and controlling men after the original relationship or marriage has ended

I haven't declared that in any way shape or form? I've stated my position and asked whether others think I'm being OTT.

I haven't implied or even thought that others should be doing the same.

No. I may date without them knowing but wouldn’t ever move in a new partner. My own experience with step families would cloud that every time.

I have often thought that if anything happened to my husband/marriage, I would stay single.

There a lot going on on the news recently. Once I get divorced/widowed am bringing my kids up end of. There won’t be any man moving in or visiting my home. Maybe will find a fwb but will never introduce anyone to my children and will only meet up in hotels during school time. Loads of people have been abused by step parents etc and worse things are happening everyday.

I’ve been single since leaving exh 5 years ago, children don’t see him (their choice as he has no clue how to act like a rational person), and actually don’t have time for a relationship I’m too busy parenting but also we have a great life just us and I don’t want to change that dynamic

I wouldn't date again. Fuck that.

It depends what you mean by "single".

I split with my ex, my father's daughter, nearly seven years ago. I have a boyfriend now who I've been dating for the past nearly three years. He's lovely and he has a good relationship with my daughter but hell would freeze over before I moved in with him or married him.

I think the trick is to make sure that men don't become part of the household. You keep your independence, your sanity and you have control over the relationship with the child and can bail if you need to without the mess of having to extricate yourself from a household or a marriage and minimising trauma to the children. I also just think the relationship with the children is better without introducing another man.

I don't think its necessary to limit yourself to remaining celibate for the rest of your natural life or to having to keep everyone at arm's length from your children.

But I think the risks of bringing another man into the household far outweigh the benefits.

YANBU but not because of my children, who are already in their teens. By the time I'd become single, got over it and got to tye point of being serious about someone new, my dc wouod have left home.

But if I found myself single I would stay that way because I couldn't be arsed trawling through the gazillions of arseholes to find one of the few nice ones. MN has certainly been an education on the subject of the behaviour and attitudes of male partners.

I should clarify what I meant by staying single.

As in not having a serious partner / living together / introducing to children / having one staying at my home / meeting his children / blending families.

I'm def not advocating remaining celibate until the children are adults (although I'd happily do that for the foreseeable, no sex drive whatsoever so being single suits me just fine)

I wouldn't be against casual dating in years to come, dinner and drinks etc, probably even a couple of ONS (their place not mine) if my libido ever returns.

A 'proper' relationship though, nope.

YANBU.
A year of being single after a 10 year relationship and I’m actually really beginning to enjoy single life and am in absolutely no rush to change it!

Absolutely not. My DS has ASD and there is no way I would ever bring another man into his life, not ever. If anything happened to me, I have been very clear with DH about what I expect of any future partner of his. Our child comes first for both of us and there probably won’t ever be room for any other relationship in either of our lives.

I think it can (and does) work out for some people, but it is a big risk.

My friend split with her husband (his choice), met her new bf while still living with him and after 6 months she and her sons moved in with him. It's a hour away so also means new schools for her kids too. All being played out on social media as a big love story.

I couldn't do it, it's selfish and risky. Opening children up to a whole new family and living with a perfect stranger.

I know that no one knows what their future holds, but i just can't imagine putting them through it.

I wouldn’t have another man move in to the family home with my children. But there are enough family annihilators that are the ‘real’ father of the family. Real fathers can be dangerous enough.
Men can be pretty dangerous housemates, regardless of their relationship to the children.
I don’t know what the statistics are… but lots of men kill their own children too.

@BeatrixNotter

There's a lot of points along that spectrum that you mentioned: my boyfriend has been introduced to my DD (a while ago now) and has a relationship with her. He stays over at mine but never more than two days per week (my rule but he's happy to abide by it).

I'm happy with this because this is what works for my daughter and its fine for me because I don't want to live with a man and don't have time really to go out more than once a week at most.

I think I'm probably quite lucky to have found someone for whom this arrangement works. If I was with someone who was pushing for more integration and "blending" it wouldn't work.

@Spysolation

I wouldn’t have another man move in to the family home with my children. But there are enough family annihilators that are the ‘real’ father of the family. Real fathers can be dangerous enough. Men can be pretty dangerous housemates, regardless of their relationship to the children. I don’t know what the statistics are… but lots of men kill their own children too.

This is a very good point.

But its not just that men are dangerous (although they can be). For me the biggest risk is just that they either become cocklodging wastes of space who don't pull their weight OR that they will suddenly take over and want to be the "head of the family".

Finding a happy medium between these two poles is pretty difficult. Someone who is financially self-sufficient and has their shit together and who is OK with your independence but who isn't just looking for someone to cook meals/clean/do his washing and will spend his life playing video games.

I just think its much easier not to take the risk of living with them in the first place.

@thepeopleversuswork I completely agree. Split with my cocklodging ex 18 months ago. I really wouldn't want to give up my new found space, freedom and clean house to have it inhabited by male partner habits. When I listen to friends moaning on about their DH's I feel fortunate to be free of that irritation. I would be happy to find someone who is great company, conversation and for sex, but not to live in my house. I'm not looking now as time is filled with friends, work and DC but maybe when they have left home I might look with a little more intent!

I wouldn’t move a man in. It’s been about three or four years, and I’ve had a FWB so it’s separate and only when child free.

I’m sure for others it works. I don’t have the time space or energy to actively seek out a relationship. There are more important things in my life at this point in time to be honest, and that’s ok. It’s just not my season to “date”.

If I happened to meet someone maybe it would work out. But they’re not living with me and my daughter, our space and house are precious

3 years separated now and highly unlikely. I have major trust issues with men now. I'm bi, but even then I'm just not keen on being with anyone really but especially not men.

I wouldn't ever bring another adult into my children's lives.

For a start, it wouldn't be fair to a new partner, I wouldn't compromise anything regarding my children for someone else.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Given that statistically the greatest threat to children is their step fathers/mums boyfriends, no, I wouldn't take that risk.

Of course "not all men" - but for me it would be a hard no.

I'd date if the mood took me - but that life would exist wholly separate to my family life.

Exactly. It's not like the dangerous men walk around with a neon sign on their head so that you can distinguish them from others.

I would never risk my children by moving an unrelated man into my house. I also think - even if the man turned out to be harmless - it's not fair to children who have already been through the disruption and potential trauma of a family breakup to then have their life disrupted again by someone else moving into their home.

I have no inclination to date and even if J did I would never live with a man again. I don't see why people do it really, if you want another relationship you can have one without involving your chilren in it.

Not RTFT.

I wouldn't not see anyone but I would need something pretty fucking special to make me consider living with a man.

Reading a few posts.
Not because of risk of violence etc although obv v common. But because even with a nice bloke there is stuff that makes me think God I'd love to live by myself / me and kids. They wouldn't like that at all so that's that.

I would be extremely reluctant to live with another man even after kids have moved out.

I lived by myself on and off for 10 years when I was younger. And I loved it.

So yeah.

Could maybe live next door like Helena b-c used to!