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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you separated from your DC's father would you stay single?

203 replies

BeatrixNotter · 21/09/2021 09:24

Introspection prompted by some horrible news stories over the last year, women and their existing children being hurt (and worse) by a new partner turned ex.

You can never really trust anybody can you?

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

I couldn't even trust him not to have the children around unsafe people.

I genuinely feel that I don't ever want to be in another relationship whilst my children are children, it's not worth the risk.

How about you? Do you think I'm OTT?

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 23/09/2021 07:32

Yes exactly, I don't know any woman who have never dated again after splitting with their children's father and of course fathers aren't expected to never date again until their children are adults, only mothers.

Surely a lot depends on age? If I'd had my dc young and been in my late 20s or early 30s when I split up with their father then I probably wouldn't have wanted to stay single. However, at 50 it's a different story!

Also, most women aren't saying the reason they would date again was because they were 'expected' not to. Many simply don't want to. I wouldn't give a toss whether people expected me to date again or not! And I don't see any reason why my dh would have more or less right than me to do so if we split up or if one of us died etc.

fedup078 · 23/09/2021 07:34

We split up in March and unless the love of my life comes along I will absolutely not be dating again

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 23/09/2021 07:40

I have only dated once since I had Dd at 23, I now work with several children who have been sexually abused often by mums bf it's far more common than you would think and it's not a risk I'm willing to take. I wouldn't have a problem with dating and not introducing to Dd but what's the point??? So I focus on myself, I've learnt new skills, filled my evenings doing an OU degree and progressing my career.

DDs getting older, by the time she's 18 I'll only be 41 and still have plenty of time to date if I want, although the idea of sharing my home with anyone but Dd is undesirable now, I like my own space.

When people ask me why I'm single I don't say 'because I don't want to put DD at risk of a sexual predator', I just say 'oh I'm too busy for any of that'. So just because nobody has mentioned it doesn't mean they don't take it into account in their decision making process.

TalkedTooMuchStayedTooLong · 23/09/2021 07:46

I split with my XH 4 years ago and fully intend to stay single for the rest of my life. After years of prioritising somebody else (why did I do that 🤦‍♀️) I'm not prepared to share my life and limited free time again. Plus my ex moved the OW in and introduced to kids immediately and I think the last thing they need is another step parent to get their head around..l

PieJesu · 23/09/2021 09:40

I would find a new partner, if I met the right man. That said, I'm in my 20s and my only child is a baby, and I have a very close knit and supportive family who would help me to vet said man within an inch of his life.

If I didn't find someone absolutely stellar, then I would of course stay single, but if I found someone who would be lovely with my DC as well as with me, then I wouldn't stay single.

Daisyandroses · 23/09/2021 16:37

@Lucyccfc68

I split from DS’s Dad 13 years ago and have been single ever since. A mix of protecting and putting DS first, couldn’t be arsed and wanting to be 100% independent.

I don’t need a man - I am financially secure, own my own home, drive and have a lovely circle of friends. I get to make all my own choices and decisions.

DS is 16 now and I invest a fair bit of time in helping him to develop himself in terms of his career choice (lots of driving him about and sitting around watching him). The weekends he is with his Dad, I go out with friends (male and female).

I like my life and am probably a bit to set in my ways to ever have another relationship with a man.

I have, on a rare occasion, wondered if it would be nice to be in a relationship. That thought usually lasts for about 2 minutes and it’s always ‘no I can’t be bothered’.

I think you sound like a great Mum. Honestly wish my Mum had thought like this!

I would definitely do the same if I was ever in that situation.

Seriallover · 23/09/2021 17:15

Yes I would move on and start dating, after I've had some fun of course haha.
But of corse your feelings are valid as your ex allowed bad influences into your children's lives.

Plumtree391 · 23/09/2021 21:55

You can date and stay single, each living in their own places. Quite an agreeable idea.

SandraGreen · 23/09/2021 22:18

It's bizarre to me that people believe you need to be in a relationship to be happy. Some of the happiest women I know are single.

I totally agree with this. I feel like shaking people who post things like "I know he is a cheating selfish bastard but I don't think I would find anyone else..." Why is that even part of the decision?

I am too set in my ways to compromise and deal with someone elses baggage family. Much happier on my own, and my DC have benefitted enormously.

1Micem0use · 23/09/2021 22:21

No plans on dating until DC is an adult. It isnt worth the risk

lisaandalan · 23/09/2021 23:02

Yes X

Cheeseplantboots · 23/09/2021 23:59

I’ve been with my DH 27 years. If we split now there is absolutely no way I’d get into another relationship... ever! My kids are older and the eldest is an adult but I still wouldn’t. I just wouldn’t ever want a new relationship.

EmergencyHydrangea · 24/09/2021 00:08

No, but I wouldn't date any men

Driftingblue · 24/09/2021 02:59

My child is already a young teen. If I were to separate from her father, there just aren’t enough years left with her at home for me to even consider a live-in relationship. Even if I were to date, there is just no reason to complicate her life.

Kids grow up and move on. I’m planning to share that phase of my life with DH, but if something happens, that would be the time I would consider someone new.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 24/09/2021 03:06

No chance. A man free household sounds delightful and I have no interest in sex so what would be the point in tying myself down ?

I love DH very much and he brings many joys to our lives but if he buggered off there's no way I'd replace him. I'd get another cat 🐈‍⬛

Guineapigbridge · 24/09/2021 05:17

I'd have a relationship but a casual one. Like I'd never move them into my home or merge finances. I'd not be keen to meet their parents either. So probably just dates and sex (maybe). Can't be bothered with any of the rest.

Ragwort · 24/09/2021 05:30

Absolutely not ... have been married over 30 years but would be more than happy to live alone ... no interest in dating or any sort of romantic relationship.

liveforsummer · 24/09/2021 05:57

I've been split up nearly 8 years now. I had one 2 year relationship but kept it very casual and separate from dc, it ended when he was pressuring for more and couldn't understand why every spare second wasn't spent with him - now I just can't be bothered - all seems so much effort and I have very little free time (every other weekend and a couple of hours on a Monday afternoon ) I don't want to dedicate that to a man or anyone else. I'm sore my dc would love having another adult around and in many ways in side my life would be easier with another adult in the home but the process of getting to that stage with someone just seems so hard thats it's not even worth it.

ChiefAdjusterOfRubensShorts · 24/09/2021 06:23

Not a chance. I’m very happily married but if anything happened to DH I wouldn’t date again, I couldn’t be arsed (and judging by some of the stories I read on MN the dating game is a shitshow anyway!)

I’d be quite happy, just me, the dog and my books.

SlipperyLizard · 24/09/2021 06:33

I might date (but not introduce him to kids) but I don’t think I’d live with a partner again even after the kids were grown up.

I think women tend to get a bad deal from moving in with someone (mental load, housework) and seeing someone every day means the passion inevitably fades.

I’d rather live with a female friend(s) & date someone who lives elsewhere than move in with my partner.

Cirin · 24/09/2021 09:04

No, I wouldn't ever have another man near my kids. Never meet them, never ever in the house. Men prey on mothers thinking we're desperate, so you're more likely to attract a monster anyway.

But even with a good, they'd never meet the kids, move in, none of that. The disruption and shock the children's lives would be unthinkable. Having a strange man in the house would be horrendous to live with.

Cirin · 24/09/2021 09:10

@Needaholiday101

No I wouldn't have always said that not until the kids left home. I had 3 stepdads, my mum has been married 4 times I don't want the same for my kids.
I saw some very damaged children in school who kept changing their surname to their 'new dad's', then later met DH who was very damaged by multiple stepfathers. Then met friends who were also very, very depressed by their family status after 'mum's boyfriend' moved in, including young lads being forced to leave home and mother's choosing the partner over their kids, or favouring the new babies. Horrible stuff.
pangolina · 24/09/2021 09:16

I don't even have kids, but if I became single I don't think I would actively seek out another relationship or live with a man again

littletinyboxes · 24/09/2021 09:32

I would stay single if for some reason I was not with DH. My ideal living arrangement if I was single would be to share a house (as platonic friends) with a like minded woman (or several, golden girls style). But I know everyone around me would think that odd and either pity me, try to set me up with men or assume we were secretly gay. In my younger days I was happily single for a long time but treated as though I must be secretly deeply unhappy and desperate for a man or lesbian but scared to come out. Several of my managers at work frequently asked me if I was seeing anyone 'yet' (then pitying looks and 'you'll meet someone one day') and were behaved like I had won the lottery when they met someone I did start seeing (he was a total arse and a big mistake- and a big part of my decision to go out with him was to look more normal).

I do wonder why our society seems to think women cannot be happy without being in a relationship to validate them? Especially when, as you say, living with a man is quite a risky thing for any woman and her children.

LuvMyBubbles · 25/09/2021 23:47

I won't be. I need time to be single to put my family first.