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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you separated from your DC's father would you stay single?

203 replies

BeatrixNotter · 21/09/2021 09:24

Introspection prompted by some horrible news stories over the last year, women and their existing children being hurt (and worse) by a new partner turned ex.

You can never really trust anybody can you?

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

I couldn't even trust him not to have the children around unsafe people.

I genuinely feel that I don't ever want to be in another relationship whilst my children are children, it's not worth the risk.

How about you? Do you think I'm OTT?

OP posts:
SallyAnn32 · 22/09/2021 00:01

I met someone 6 months or so after my STBXH left us for another woman. We're 18 months on now and my 2 children love him, and he them. We introduced very very slowly and at the children's pace. He is keen to move in after my divorce but I'm hesitant for the very reason OP said. I love him and he stays with us 2-3 nights per week, but I don't know that I could ever fully trust another man.

Greygreenblue · 22/09/2021 00:08

I dated so many men who turned out to be awful/horrible/terrible/no good before I met my lovely DH. I don’t think I would. In part because I feel like if I can’t make it with him I can’t with anyone. Or if go forbid, he died, I would be very very wary because I am not good at picking them. I just got lucky with him.

Mymapuddlington · 22/09/2021 00:11

I’m happy and single, I think if you meet someone and build a relationship that gradually then introduces your child to new partner etc is one thing but I know of too many people whose poor kids have a different ‘daddy’ every few months.

NiceGerbil · 22/09/2021 00:12

Blimey 3/ 4 of what will be a pretty wide range of ages where live jobs etc on MN think OP is not bu.

And skimming loads of women saying I wouldn't want to xyz if split.

This is a massive difference between men and women it seems.

Women are stereotyped as desperate to settle down snare a man. Having a man is very important to us. Catching one by various means, not all honest, is a primary if not the primary objective for us.

Men are stereotyped as keen to stay single. Enjoy life without any commitments. They don't want a long term partner and definitely don't want children. They want to be footloose v and fancy free. And when somehow a woman manages to persuade him to be serious, by whatever means. That he's giving up a lot and in a way it's something he will need to mourn.

While in real life.

Women will split up when unhappy while men tend to wait until they have a replacement.
Plenty of men want to get settled have kids.
Plenty of men don't like the whole stereotypical bloke scene esp single bloke scene.

IME women are more independent than men.

I think loads of men suspect this and it makes them nervous.

Hence the pushing of us as desperate for a man and men as extremely unenthusiastic about anything serious.

NiceGerbil · 22/09/2021 00:17

When my dad left for another woman when we were in our 20s. And he's perfectly nice etc not shouty or horrible. Kind used to read to us etc.

He did some things that were really shit.

Cleared out the joint bank account
Told me on second day of new job, and it was just before Xmas
Rang all his friends and said he'd fallen in love expecting them to be oh wow that's great. Confused when they said what about family etc
Told my mum not to worry she might meet an elderly man to get together with. They were 60s and his woman was younger

I mean it was Shock

And I learnt from it tbh.

In the end she thought he was boring. Went home. He got tired of baked beans and housework. Also came home.

Pathetic really.

TurquoiseGiraffe · 22/09/2021 11:14

@kitkatsky

When I first split with DD1s dad I thought I'd stay single until she left home because you just can't trust people, like you said. In reality I was single for 3 years and got lonely and bored so I started dating every so often and I met the loveliest guy. We took things really slowly and built up gradually but eventually we did move in together and now we're a very happy family with another DD and I'm so glad I didn't rule out the chance of a happy future. You're right to be cautious of course and there are plenty of idiots out there but there are also lovely genuine people so don't write off happiness forever
I'm happy for you, but your post implies that women can't have a happy future without a partner. It's great you've found what you want but plenty of women aren't "ruling out the chance of a happy future" by being single. From the available research, quite the opposite in fact!
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/09/2021 11:20

I didn't date for 10 years after I divorced until my son went to uni. I just didn't feel he could cope with all that after what we had been through.

TurquoiseGiraffe · 22/09/2021 11:27

@CatJumperTwat

One thing to note is that the parents of children in 'blended' families often say it works fine and the children are very happy. The children in these families usually say the opposite, but they don't want to upset their parent. Most children don't want unrelated people moving in their home, especially other kids.
Absolutely. The vast majority of people who were children in a "blended family" say that is was awful. Why do that to kids when you can keep your relationship - if you want one - separate?
wobblywinelover · 22/09/2021 20:11

My life has been better without a man in it. Aside from the many untrustworthy abusive ones out there of which there are far too many, even living with a nice guy has a downside. It seems to me that women always lose out by being taken for granted, or controlled by the man in one way or the other . I agree with a PP about it being such a fine balance to have before the man thinks he wants to take over the house. What's in it for the woman? Unless you like sex I can't see any benefits to having a partner at all.

TheGrumpyGoat · 22/09/2021 20:15

@wobblywinelover

My life has been better without a man in it. Aside from the many untrustworthy abusive ones out there of which there are far too many, even living with a nice guy has a downside. It seems to me that women always lose out by being taken for granted, or controlled by the man in one way or the other . I agree with a PP about it being such a fine balance to have before the man thinks he wants to take over the house. What's in it for the woman? Unless you like sex I can't see any benefits to having a partner at all.
Mine does all the cooking and gets up with the toddler at 5am Grin.

I agree though, I don’t think not having a relationship if this one broke down would be denying myself the chance of happiness. I reckon I could be pretty happy on my own.

Macncheeseballs · 22/09/2021 20:17

I wouldn't stay away from relationships because of one failed one, and stories of horrible stuff happening to children etc. There are plenty of decent people out there

Siameasy · 22/09/2021 20:20

If DH was gone I don’t think I could be bothered to meet anyone else. I’d probably fancy a snog etc but nothing more until DC were older

toothpicklover · 22/09/2021 20:29

I've been single nearly 10 years since my ex left when my son was just about to turn 2.
He is not involved and therefore I always have my son with me or I'm at work. Although since changing jobs, he now stays at my mums house once during the week. I'm too shattered to go out dating though and enjoy sitting on my arse and watching television with no parenting involved.
I'd never move a man into my home, I'd never risk my son's safety and also the risk losing my home.

He's been shoved to one side by his father the last thing he needs is for me to do that too.

Plus my taste in men is clearly terrible Grin

Macncheeseballs · 22/09/2021 20:29

Same here, I don't think I could be bothered

Macncheeseballs · 22/09/2021 20:30

*in response to siamese

Blackopal · 22/09/2021 20:31

Four years as a single mom and I would not move a man in to our home.
I am also swayed by the danger an unrelated male can pose to children and I wouldn't take the chance.
I absolutely do not judge people that do follow this path, and am happy to hear the good stories.

I was married a long time and it was very toxic. Ex only unveiled how awful he could be after years, took more years for me to really face the situation and then get out of it.

If a man I knew for years and had children with can change so much/ pull wool over my eyes so much, how could I possibly really truly know and trust a man I have known for even less?
I appreciate my past is colouring my view, but that's where I'm at. Wouldnt risk it.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 22/09/2021 20:32

Yes but I'm nearly 60 and have never had the chance to live on my own and I feel in my bones I would love it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/09/2021 20:38

No because They’re both adults now.

Had they been under 18 , yes.

Lennybenny · 22/09/2021 20:46

Yes and I am. I have 2 ds who I've concentrated on for the last 13 years. My me time will be when I'm 50 in 2 years and they are both legally adults.
I'm happy being single. I have an ex who has put them both through shit so I decided to be single and stable for them. Hated the idea of introducing a weirdo/perv/wifebeater to the house.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 22/09/2021 21:09

I would definitely not ever live with a man again if/when DP and I split up. I cannot tell you how much I crave my own space and I if I were to regain it, I'd never let a partner into it again.

Pinkyxx · 22/09/2021 21:14

Happily single for 10 years. DC is happier, I am happier. I just don't think I could risk another relationship, as others have said, if someone I'd known for years could turn out to be so abusive how can I trust another man won't be the same? I couldn't put DC through that again, nor could I do it myself. I'm still recovering 10 years later. He changed me forever, and some scars don't heal. That's not to say there aren't decent men out there, but I just wouldn't risk it. I'm perfectly happy as I am, so why risk it?

scoopydoopy · 22/09/2021 21:16

Honestly I've had more than enough for a whole lifetime, so no. I'd enjoy being alone.

Looubylou · 22/09/2021 21:25

Yes I would stay single. I would be concerned they would turn out to be a selfish arse. I think I would enjoy the freedom of not coping with the anger and selfishness of someone else.

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 21:31

Hypothetical for me now but, yes, had it happened, I would have stayed single. I might have had a friend to go out and spend time with sometimes but no living together.

Ontheroadtorecovery · 22/09/2021 21:31

I think I would as with all I'd have on my plate I wouldn't really have the time to put into a new relationship one evening 3very now and again wouldn't make me much of a catch 😂. But on the other hand it does seem sad to be on your own forever. I definitely don't think I'd be actively looking though at least not whilst dcs were young. But no judgement on those who would either