If you separated from your DC's father would you stay single?

[BeatrixNotter]

Introspection prompted by some horrible news stories over the last year, women and their existing children being hurt (and worse) by a new partner turned ex.

You can never really trust anybody can you?

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

I couldn't even trust him not to have the children around unsafe people.

I genuinely feel that I don't ever want to be in another relationship whilst my children are children, it's not worth the risk.

How about you? Do you think I'm OTT?

*at risk!

But that just tells us that your mother was a shit parent @Daisyandroses

@Cocomarine

But that just tells us that your mother was a shit parent *@Daisyandroses*

Yes, she was in a lot of ways.

Just giving my opinion from personal experience though I don’t think blended families are ever that successful. I wouldn’t want my children to feel uncomfortable having someone else in the house no matter who that was.

I also vowed never to have a another man in my house until my DC were adults if DH and I split up for the same reasons as the OP. My DC are now adults and also most a teen luckily so it’ll never be an issue. If we split tomorrow, it would be a few years before I’d want another relationship and then a while to find someone and get serious so youngest would definitely be close to adulthood .

My view has also been coloured by personal experiences. My mother’s first husband died leaving her with 4 DC, within a year she was pregnant and had moved my father in who was very abusive. When she divorced him when I was 5, she was pregnant and my stepfather was living with us within a year AGAIN. Stepfather was horrible, made it clear only his DC mattered. I was an adult before I fully comprehended what my mother had done from the dates and felt quite disgusted I have to say.

My older sister also had a stream of short term relationships with the men living in her house after she divorced when she had 3 young daughters. Her oldest was very affected by this and got pregnant at 16 so she could move out so she said! She’s just had her 5th baby by 4 different fathers. All of them living with her and her older children at one point.

I believe that a child’s home should be their sanctuary. Bringing in a stranger who could be predatory to them and at the very least will make them feel uncomfortable in their own home is abhorrent to me.

I do think a lot of single mums introduce people to their children very quickly of course they won’t on MN but I don’t find MN reflects rl, I don’t know anyone except myself that has stayed single until their children have grown up, most people I know wait a year at most, I’m on a group for single parents and the amount of women that ask if it’s ok to take their babies/ toddlers on dates is unbelievable and they get supported in doing so because the “kid won’t know any better” “no different to meeting a friend for a walk” we are talking about strangers, none of them seemed to be concerned about safety, and when you say anything that isn’t in support you get muted for “not being supportive”

I wouldn't move an unrelated male into my kid's home. I've read enough threads on here to know how complicated combining households and adding step parents can be. You can have a boyfriend without living with him!

I've told my DH that in the event of his death/separation I won't be moving any bloke into my home again, and invited him to think about this issue himself. It's less the horrific extremes referred to in the OP, and more about it not feeling fair for my DC to have to accommodate my (theoretical) new partner in their lives to that degree. I would totally date, and invite a new partner to spend the night/weekend, but not move them in.

My 11 month old baby's father walked out two months ago. We were engaged; I was blindsided.

I cannot focus on anything but DS right now but I would like to hope I will meet someone else. I would love to have more children. DS is my absolute priority though and I have no idea where to meet the sort of quality man who would understand what that means and be happy with it.

I split with Dds dad when I was pregnant, he is a good dad and moved in with a partner and they are expecting. I've casually dated in the past but I've never had anyone back to my house. I work with teens and even with fairly stable blended families the children never really come across as content and that's not to mention the children I've worked with who have been sexually abused often by mums new bf, there's no way I'd put her in that position. DDs 12 now, I'd rather have another child than a man but they tend to have to go together.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10012459/I-love-angel-Father-posts-heartbreaking-video-daughter-11-murdered-sleepover.html

I don't martyr myself to stay single. It is a choice I have made. A choice I am happy with. Stories like this are constant occurances. I can date when the children are grown. For now I am very happy.

My partner is my children’s stepdad so clearly I have moved on since leaving their (abusive) father. And I’m so glad I did- so lucky to have someone who loves my kids basically as much as I do. He’s lucky to have us too

I can definitely understand why some people don’t bother though and I think I’d be one of them if I hadn’t met my current partner by random luck. If I was to break up with him for some reason I wouldn’t bother dating. Don’t think I could be arsed.

I've voted YABU but only about other people being physically dangerous. That might be going a bit far. The vast majority of people are not violent.

I split with Ex when DS was 3. Have had one short relationship in the 10 years since but he wouldn't accept me and DS as a package, so it couldn't work.

I wouldn't move anyone in even if I did meet someone. DS will be at home for another 5 years and is my priority until then.

I met DP through work and so got to know him in that sense, started dating and then after 6 months introduced him casually to my DD. We built it up from there very gradually and now we live together with a new baby on the way.

DD adores DP and vice versa.

The overall concept of never dating/blending families seems to be a Mumsnet thing. Most parents I know who aren't with DC's other parent seem to have eventually met someone new.

I definitely think its super important to risk assess and take things slowly...but I do object to it always being "selfish". My DDs life is much better than it was, and having 2 extra people who love her makes her happy.

*6 months after dating, after knowing him for ages

@BeatrixNotter

Introspection prompted by some horrible news stories over the last year, women and their existing children being hurt (and worse) by a new partner turned ex.

You can never really trust anybody can you?

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

I couldn't even trust him not to have the children around unsafe people.

I genuinely feel that I don't ever want to be in another relationship whilst my children are children, it's not worth the risk.

How about you? Do you think I'm OTT?

No I thought about this also this morning when reading about what happened that poor woman and children in Sheffield. The man involved in no way represents all men but it would definitely make you think being single can mean being safer

I’m divorced (3years) and my DD is 10. I have a boyfriend. He’s been in my life over 2 years. He’s lovely. He met my DD after about 9 months as my “friend”. He has never stayed over when DD is home but these days he’s in and out a few times a week for dinner, coffee or just a chat. She knows he’s my boyfriend and she likes him. He came on holiday with us this summer (camping and stayed in his own tent). I think this is the best of both worlds. He is not a step-Dad nor does he want to be. What he is is a loving and kind man whose company I enjoy. Mostly we do stuff on the weekends when DD is with her Dad.

I split from ds dad and I am single with no plans to meet someone new .
I'm not bitter, disappointed, scared, wary or have trust issues- I'm just really, really happy being single!

The overall concept of never dating/blending families seems to be a Mumsnet thing. Most parents I know who aren't with DC's other parent seem to have eventually met someone new

Yes exactly, I don't know any woman who have never dated again after splitting with their children's father and of course fathers aren't expected to never date again until their children are adults, only mothers .

I don't think you're OTT, I think everyone judges the risks and benefits of dating and similar differently. It is hard to know who to trust, and for me, that includes myself.

My children are now around the ages my siblings and I were when our father started dating again which colours my judgement (my kids are 9-17, my siblings and I were living at our father's house at this point though he often worked away). It was great when it was 'dad's happy, seeing people, not working so much overtime' when for a while there he had been miserable and would run to the office whenever in the last years of my parents' marriage. I could consider that kind of social life (minus the drugs he was taking).

It was when he brought those relationships into our lives and his girlfriends tried to take on maternal roles that things went wrong, and not just because teen-me didn't like people trying to act like my mother (who hated me and I didn't see at this point). He has since apologized and acknowledged that he put his partners and friends' feelings first and it clouded his judgement. At times, it was like his whole personality shifted and I'd miss him terrible while he was physically there with someone far more than when he was on work trips because at least on trips, I knew he would come back. It was very unstabilizing.

When my spouse and I were going through some hell years and divorce was on the table, I reflected on ours and my past relationships. I'm not as much of a people pleasure as my father was, but I have a pattern that suggests I am my father's daughter in some ways. I am affected by the moods of others, I've had partners and friends that shifted me that I can't entirely understand looking back, it just made sense when I was with them. It was in this reflection I realized that I was being socially influenced by "friends" who were basically saying divorcing my spouse and dating women would solve my issues - leaving that space with those people didn't solve the issues, but the issues didn't feel so heavy that there was one answer as I had felt before, like a cloud was lifted and I could see many paths. I learned I need to be careful who I hang out with. I honestly don't trust my judgement enough to think I could date around my kids while they're still reliant on me.

@Threearm

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10012459/I-love-angel-Father-posts-heartbreaking-video-daughter-11-murdered-sleepover.html

I don't martyr myself to stay single. It is a choice I have made. A choice I am happy with. Stories like this are constant occurances. I can date when the children are grown. For now I am very happy.

This was one of the stories I was referring to in my OP but didn't want to say as much as I wasn't aware that the 'boyfriend' had been named as such yet and didn't want to incite speculation - i just knew it would be a case of domestic violence / scorned ex so I'm not at all surprised to see it confirmed

Without wanting to sound dramatic, I lost sleep over it last night as I stupidly read the story before bed. Heartbreaking.

It reminds me of another similar case some months ago in Lincolnshire. This bastard murdered his recent ex and her 9 year old autistic son.

It makes my blood run cold.

I don't ever want to live with anyone else ever again.

I wouldn't until my son was an adult, I really couldn't be bothered with all the pitfalls of introducing partners to children, any man my age wanting to date a woman with as child is likely to have his own, so then it becomes about blending etc. The nature of my work means I've dealt directly with the kind of perpetrators your talking about OP and whilst I would be cautious I think my instincts are good and I wouldn't hesitate with Claire's/Sarah's law etc, but it's another hassle I could do without. Also I love my husband but I used to really like living alone without another adult to consider, so that aspect wouldn't worry me. I've never been one to move from one relationship to another anyway.

I left my exH nearly 5 years ago.

I dated someone for 12 months but he never met my DD.
I like dating, meeting people, meals out, but I don't want a committed relationship and I don't want them to meet my DD.
I go in cycles. Happy for a year or two and then have an itch and get a FWB for a while.
I love my time with my DD and all the crazy adventures and holidays we have. I want to keep that to us two.

As DD spends three nights a week with her dad I do get to enact the FWB part when I fancy it.

DD aside I'm not sure I will ever want to cohabit again anyway. And I'd never get married. My friend is just divorcing and her ex is getting so much more from her because she has a kick ass job and he doesn't. They don't have joint kids or anything but she's having to pay him a lot of money to get rid. I'd never risk my (and more importantly DD's) financial security on marriage.

@BeatrixNotter

Introspection prompted by some horrible news stories over the last year, women and their existing children being hurt (and worse) by a new partner turned ex.

You can never really trust anybody can you?

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

I couldn't even trust him not to have the children around unsafe people.

I genuinely feel that I don't ever want to be in another relationship whilst my children are children, it's not worth the risk.

How about you? Do you think I'm OTT?

It's an added bonus for your ex that he's stopping you from having another relationship.

You might be surprised just how important it is for some men to make sure that their ex isn't allowed to move on or is put off all men in the future. Essentially for them, the fact that they don't want use of your body any more doesn't mean they are prepared to allow you to decide what or who touches it in the future; their penis needs to be the last one that ever goes near you.

I don't know any woman who have never dated again after splitting with their children's father and of course fathers aren't expected to never date again until their children are adults, only mothers.

Of course we can't expect parents not to date until their children are adults but that's not so say that it wouldn't be for the best in some cases.

It would definitely be in my DC's best interests for their father not to pursue a serious relationship until they're much older and less vulnerable because as evidenced by the woman he got involved with when cheating on me, he is a terrible judge of character and would inadvertently put them at risk by getting involved with unstable people.

I don't expect him to stay single though as that would be massively unreasonable of me.

All I can do is make sure I don't do the same or introduce somebody into their lives that will unsettle them.