If you separated from your DC's father would you stay single?

[BeatrixNotter]

Introspection prompted by some horrible news stories over the last year, women and their existing children being hurt (and worse) by a new partner turned ex.

You can never really trust anybody can you?

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

I couldn't even trust him not to have the children around unsafe people.

I genuinely feel that I don't ever want to be in another relationship whilst my children are children, it's not worth the risk.

How about you? Do you think I'm OTT?

I also have a 10 year plan and I don't want to be distracted!

I never dated from the moment my first child arrived. Both my DDs asked for me to "find them a father" but I just didn't trust the men I met. They were either divorced (they left their own children, how could I trust them with mine) or still living with Mama in their 30's (that speaks for itself) or more interested in when the kids would not be home and we could get "alone time" (never!)
When they both finally left home in their 20's I could have dated but then DD2 brought my DGS home for me to raise and he didn't want a father - emphatically.

Also to add on to my last comment, while I personally have no interest in dating, I don’t think single mothers are obligated to stay single for the sake of their kids. While people should absolutely be cautious bringing another adult into their child’s home, there are some truly amazing step parents about.

A woman I know has recently broken up with a short term boyfriend (of 6 months or so) who she allowed to move in with her and her children. They split up and just yesterday he went to her house kicking her door and verbally abusing her. She had to call the police.

All this was witnessed by her children who were scared stiff.

I feel that personally, if an abuser was to seek out a vulnerable woman, I would be a prime candidate (lone parent with small children, history of trauma, no particularly strong support network) and it's just not worth the risk.

When I first split with DD1s dad I thought I'd stay single until she left home because you just can't trust people, like you said. In reality I was single for 3 years and got lonely and bored so I started dating every so often and I met the loveliest guy. We took things really slowly and built up gradually but eventually we did move in together and now we're a very happy family with another DD and I'm so glad I didn't rule out the chance of a happy future. You're right to be cautious of course and there are plenty of idiots out there but there are also lovely genuine people so don't write off happiness forever

@KurtWilde

Just to add, haven't even dated in that time, either. There was a lot of work needed doing to rebuild myself and my DC after my marriage to my exh. I left with nothing and had to start from scratch so it's been a journey and I've honestly loved doing it all, just me and them. I wouldn't ever want to jeopardise that by adding a partner to the mix.

I am the same. So glad every time I shut the door my abusive ex is on the other side of it and my children are safe and sound happy.

One of my friends is with a controlling man and her children are suffering but she can't be on her own and it's very painful to watch. I hate the comments about maybe you'll meet someone like I'm somehow incomplete on my own. Otherwise I'm very happy. As are my kids. Also I'm grateful my own mum never moved a man in to our home.

I separated from my son’s dad 13 years ago, and dated a bit at first, although never had men around my son. For almost 8 years, I’ve been single, but have recently met someone I’m really into and can see a future with. Ds is now 15 and my partner has a teen living with him and a younger child who lives with his ex. We’ve discussed what we want and neither of us want to step-parent each other’s children or have any interest in blending our families. We therefore see each other on weekends, away from the children, and are planning breaks away together etc, obviously without the kids. It’s actually quite nice to have the two separate areas of my life - mum and the fun stuff!

I might stay single but thats because I have become more of a grumpy loner as I get older, not because I think most men are abusive and may murder you. Most are fine and would probably even be a reasonable step parent. Yes you should be very careful and take your time over a new relationship when you have kids but it's just taking things too far to say you should never date again because of safety reasons.

I'd stay single.

I split from my ex husband 5 years ago. My kids are teenagers.
I haven't dated and although the idea of someone in my life is nice, I don't want to live with someone again.

I actually had this conversation with a friend yesterday. I have been with my husband since the age of 16 so 25 years now. There is no way I'd go into another relationship if we ever split or anything else happened. We've got fairly young children and I wouldn't invite a stranger into their lives. The constant stories about online dating also scare me. I just wouldn't want to put myself through it. I'd stay single then perhaps if I felt lonely as the children grew up I might meet someone.

it's just taking things too far to say you should never date again because of safety reasons

I can see why somebody would think that.

My personal POV is definitely coloured by my own bad experiences of men (including men my mother got involved with) and hearing just a few too many horrible stories.

That aside though, step parenting is a minefield and often breeds resentment in the new partner. I see it all the time. I wouldn't want my children exposed to that either. I dread the day my children's father enters into a serious relationship because the man is a seriously bad judge of character as history has shown.

I can't do much about his side of the fence but I will protect them from all possibilities on mine.

I dated after I left my ex and have now been with DP for a year but I keep it very separate from my life with DC. They've met and spend a small amount of time together but as far as I'm concerned its two different lives and we won't be moving in together.

My DC's father had an affair in 2019 and she was unhinged, turning up at my door with a car full of people at 4am in the morning scaring the children which included a 6 month old baby.

^^
My exh did a similar thing - we were already split up but living in the same house, so not cheating, but had a women turning up at all hours and banging on the windows etc.

I wonder if he drove her mad though!

I’m open to the idea of a new relationship but not living together while children are living at home. Just wouldn’t work.

Not really open to marriage again ever, but happy to do the party aspect if I met someone

YANBU, but it is still early days for you. I'm still happily single over 9 years on, which is probably more unusual. IMO, much better than seeing so many people settling for crap relationships, because they don't know how to be alone.

I've been divorced since 2007, was with someone else for 2 yrs in 2008. Now been single since, my choice couldn't be doing with a man child lol.

I split with my children’s father at the end of 2019. I haven’t had any interest in dating ever since, and I’m very happily single.
Just yesterday, I was asked on a double date and the thought of it didn’t excite me one bit.

I love it just being me and my 4 children. Life is so much easier and happier since my ex left. I was also a stepparent when I was with him, and that’s another reason I am happy to be single. Chances are most men who would be interested have children and I can’t be arsed with that again.

One day, when my children are older, someone will come along when I’m least expecting it and I will know then that I’m ready. But right now I’d be too busy for a relationship, my confidence is zero, and I’m tired by 5pm. I’d be no fun anyway

I actually can't be arsed! That, and I don't have time. Too busy enjoying my life. Exh has apparently told dc that I haven't 'moved on' I just laughed my socks off at that. His arrogance is limitless, believes I still want to be with him 🤣 prize dickhead

Honestly, I’d rely more on the views of those who have split and have decided not to date than those on here saying their marriage is solid but no they wouldn’t anyway. Let’s wait until you’re in that position - maybe you would, maybe you wouldn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m divorced and my child now, years on, has a stepfather and stepmother. She likes my husband, gets on well with him. She ADORES her stepmother, and her time with her father is greatly enhanced by her stepmother being there. When her father was still “just dating” she used to come home and tell me all about how she thought the two of them should get married.

After 10 years of split and 7 and 6 of re-marriage, everyone’s still happy and no drama.

That’s not to say it’ll stay that way - one should never be complacent. One thing that’s important to me is being completely independent financially. I see so many women on MN where splitting up is made a harder decision by the practicalities. In my case, if I want to split up with my second husband, I can, no practical difficulty at all. I’ve also always limited his role in my child’s life. He is another positive and caring adult in her family - he is NOT a second father.

So who knows if things will continue to go well. I’m not sharing this to be smug, just to balance the stories.

Of course I’m biased, but I’ve got a teen who chatters about her wonderful stepmother quite openly with me, so I think she’s pretty genuine about it all.

I'm fairly recently bereaved and nowhere near to wanting to date so maybe I'm not qualified to speak yet, but my DC are adults and I can't imagine any kind if cohabiting arrangement.

I'd like to think there might be a partner, shared holidays etc in the future but I don't know why you'd live with someone or combine finances (which living together must do to some extent) once the shared childcare years are gone, if you have children.

My exh did a similar thing - we were already split up but living in the same house, so not cheating, but had a women turning up at all hours and banging on the windows etc.

Ridiculous isn't it. I would never make such a show of myself by turning up anywhere that there are children, and causing a scene with anti-social behaviour.

He actively introduced my children to this woman when they were having an affair and took them to her house. A little baby of 6 months old and a disabled toddler. If he did end up in a relationship with her would I hell be allowing him to have her as part of contact. He would have to take me to court.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Storage

Hell yeah. And my DH is a lovely lovely man so I know they’re out there but if we split for any reason then I’d be single forever. It sounds quite nice actually 🙈

I’m sorry for your loss, @StorageIngredients
My second husband is a widower and we have no shared children. He’s also a snorer, so frankly I often wish we didn’t live together! But we wanted to live together because we wanted to easily see each other every day, and fully combine our lives. When you first married your husband, did you do it only in anticipation of having children?
Incidentally, we have no combined finances. Suits us and works fine.

One thing to note is that the parents of children in 'blended' families often say it works fine and the children are very happy. The children in these families usually say the opposite, but they don't want to upset their parent. Most children don't want unrelated people moving in their home, especially other kids.