to think that being childless will end up being a very lonely choice?

[PernickitySnicket]

I'm 30, very much an introvert and am 99% sure that I don't want children.
I have a handful of very close friends, most of whom I've been friends with since school.
I don't love socialising, so don't meet new people often so I really value the friendships I have.
Recently, we've all reached the age where marriage and babies are on the horizon.
My two closest friends both want children, and that's exciting for them and they will obviously make the best choice for them and their families. I will help them where I can and support them always.

But a squiggly little selfish part of me is really gutted, I've been a Nanny since I was 18 and I've seen how parenthood dramatically changes people, and how people disappear into their children's lives.

AIBU to think that being the only childfree one plus not a confident socialiser means that I'm probably going to end up with even fewer friends than I already have?

Hope I'm not coming across as a prick!

Check out tiffany.jmarie on instagram for some perspective on this

If you don’t want children but obviously like children (being a nanny) you can be super cool Aunty Pernickity and be part of your friends family despite not having children yourself.
Ok it might have to be a little different for the first few years but I don’t see how it can’t work.

I fully get what you mean my dads sister fully invested her life in her two children. So much so that she even cut out talking to other family members as only her children and husband mattered. Fast forward a bit sadly her husband has passed away and her sons don’t see her for months.

Why don't you want children?

Everything is a stage. I've got two children, both long grown and gone and living their own lives. Coming to terms with them being separate adults necessitates going through yet another aloneness, and the will to want them to be free and separate. When they were little family life was all consuming, now it's a rare treat but my life task is to be entirely myself and NOT emotionally dependent on them.
I don't regret having them but I can imagine being without them and being happy, because nothing and no-one is everything OP. Make the choices that are right for you.

@underneaththeash

Why don't you want children?

Because I don't like them.

I'm great at my job, I love "my" kids but I think a lot of people go into parenthood very blind, and I experienced the hardships and pitfalls of raising children really quite early on and I know its not for me.

I do think the default question should be "why DO you want children?" as it's such a major, life changing decision.

Gently but genuinely, YABVVVU.

I'm 35 and single and childfree by choice, most of my friends have children.

My key friendships are still strong - and that's because both of us have made a real effort because we value and love each other. So I spend time with them with their babies when tthey're small, sit and chat in the dark while baby goes to sleep, do most of the travelling because tiny people are hard to travel with. And I accept that for five or so years we will have a slightly different focus to our friendship, interruptions from small people, disrupted plans when we meet up.

In return they make a massive effort to keep phoning and texting, to still meet up or host me if they can't travel, to talk excitedly about their kids (because I'm excited too) but also to talk about the other stuff they love and to show a genuine interest and care in what's happening in my life.

I try not to be too obvious about how horrified I am at their exhaustion and having to deal with nappies, and they try not to be too obvious about my freedom to stay in bed till 4pm on the weekends and do what I want when I want. Sometimes we laugh about all those things because the most important thing is that we want to stay friends.

Parenthood will only result in the loss of friendships if you both let it, but it does need give and take on both sides.

It sounds like yours are good so I think your fears are unfounded :)

I think that it is fairly normal for parenting to suck people up at the start but after a few years you get to come out the other side.
So I guess you can wait it out or find yourself new friends who also don't have kids or perhaps have left the intense early stage behind.
You aren't coming across badly OP.

No I do know what you are saying, but on the other end of it, when I had kids it was like some of my friends stopped having time for me that didn’t have kids. I guess the pandemic had a lot to do with it too, but I have heard others say it happened to them also. It’s not that it’s one sided from friends end that I’m always too busy with the kids, in fact I keep asking to meet up without the kids for a proper catch up but it always gets put on the long finger. I remember my best friend had her children a long time before I had mine and things did change but I loved to spend time with her and the kids even though I was childless. We are still the best of friends now so things don’t really have to change much even if you haven’t got children. I think some of my friends made the assumption I would be too busy to see them/ only want to do kids stuff ect When it couldn’t have been farther from the truth!

@Mymapuddlington

If you don’t want children but obviously like children (being a nanny) you can be super cool Aunty Pernickity and be part of your friends family despite not having children yourself. Ok it might have to be a little different for the first few years but I don’t see how it can’t work.

I don't actually like children too much, but I do love the ones I care for so I think Auntie Pernickity could work. But I've seen women (and it's mostly the women) completely lose their identity when having children, and that's the worry.

@Youcanbesweet it definitely happens. I've been to countless baby classes and playgroups and childrens events (as well as living in parent's homes of course) and parents live their entire lives through their children. Nothing else matters, only the kids. It's all they talk of and they have nothing outside of that. Not all, obviously, but the majority.

I get you op.

Luckily I have both friends who also don't want kids as well as friends with kids.

More of my friends don't want kids than do want them.

But it's starting to become apparently that the group is separating slightly. Some of us have zero interest in soft play/farms/playgroups etc, so those that do stick together, and we do separate activities.

But I can see it being difficult if all of your group had kids and you didn't.

I think being "not a very confident socialiser" is always going to mean you have fewer friends, particular as you get into older age and those friends you have had might not live as long as you or might not be able to communicate with you easily.
I don't think that is related to if you have dc or not.
I know some incredibly sociable people who didn't have dc who have plenty of friends, ad you also come across people all the time - on here, on news articles , in media reports etc about how many people would say they are lonely - and many, many, many of those people have had dc.

I realise that I neglected my childfree friends and I know that was normal but unreasonable. But if you are prepared to see them with their kids, go to theirs more often, put up with them, while also cultivating a good cultural and hobby filled life with other people, stick with them and they will come back to you.

I think YABU.

You may find your friends become less accessible for the first few years after having kids but it’s not forever. Most people get to a point when their kids are no longer dependent 24/7 when they crave adult company.

I also think if you don’t like and don’t want kids you need to listen to your inner voice. Having children so as not to be left out is not a good strategy.

You’re not coming across as a prick. But I don’t agree. I am older than you with dc and maintain my friendships with child-free friends and friends with dc. In fact the friend I see the most is child free and I like the fact it’s easier to meet up with her at relatively short notice than my friends with kids. We’ve still got loads of common ground even though our lifestyles are different. We’re still the same people.

I think you are right to acknowledge that you might see less of your friends in the period when their kids are small. But that’s a relatively short time in the scheme of things. Also even if you aren’t a social butterfly it doesn’t seem unlikely that you will make new attachments in the future when you’re only 30.

@hilariousnamehere

Gently but genuinely, YABVVVU.

I'm 35 and single and childfree by choice, most of my friends have children.

My key friendships are still strong - and that's because both of us have made a real effort because we value and love each other. So I spend time with them with their babies when tthey're small, sit and chat in the dark while baby goes to sleep, do most of the travelling because tiny people are hard to travel with. And I accept that for five or so years we will have a slightly different focus to our friendship, interruptions from small people, disrupted plans when we meet up.

In return they make a massive effort to keep phoning and texting, to still meet up or host me if they can't travel, to talk excitedly about their kids (because I'm excited too) but also to talk about the other stuff they love and to show a genuine interest and care in what's happening in my life.

I try not to be too obvious about how horrified I am at their exhaustion and having to deal with nappies, and they try not to be too obvious about my freedom to stay in bed till 4pm on the weekends and do what I want when I want. Sometimes we laugh about all those things because the most important thing is that we want to stay friends.

Parenthood will only result in the loss of friendships if you both let it, but it does need give and take on both sides.

It sounds like yours are good so I think your fears are unfounded :)

Thank you, this really helps.

I think there is an insecurity rearing its head that I'm not good enough for my friends, so I'm projecting a little bit.

OP, I don't believe anyone should be judged for not having or wanting children. You do you!

However... There is nothing stopping you making new friends that don't have children. Your post does come across a little bit as if to say "I don't want my only friends to have children because then I'LL be lonely".

You are in control of your own life - make it your own and don't revolve it around what your two friends from school do!

I admire women who say I don't want them and stick to it.
I've got children, but it's hard and I can see the appeal of being childless to be honest. You have to give up so much in life and charged your life a lot.
I love my two, but people I know without them do have a fantastic life.
I think more people will opt not to have them too.

AIBU to think that being the only childfree one plus not a confident socialiser means that I'm probably going to end up with even fewer friends than I already have?

YABU in my experience - 31, and the only childfree one of my friends for ages - most have 11/12 year olds, and the youngest ones are 3/4/5. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant... before I was pregnant, I saw them loads and fitted in well, because the kids loved to see me and I could be pretty flexible.

Since they've known I'm pregnant, I've hardly seen any of them, and they are currently busy planning spa days and holidays that are all child-free, and that I won't be able to go on.

I wouldn't have kids that you don't want to "keep up". I'd say that the first few years might have to be slightly more on their terms, but you'll probably find that you're more in demand than ever.

Funnily enough I've grown apart from the friends I was close to when our children were growing up, and in my 50s I have plenty of friends through my own interests. Some have young children, some are like me, some have never had children.
What's really important is maintaining solid social connections I think.
I'm fairly introverted too but I'm aware that I don't want to rely on my adult children for my social needs. I work part time and volunteer, and have a handful of really nice friends (including the old childhood ones - we just don't see each other as much as we once did)
Not wanting children is an excellent reason to not have them I think.
Agreed that we should justify why we want them, not why we don't!

But I've seen women (and it's mostly the women) completely lose their identity when having children, and that's the worry.

They have an awesome friend in you though so you can help them maintain their identity, usually the first 3 years is madness and then a lot of mums look forward to getting themselves back rather than just being ‘baby’s mum’

Not fewer all being well

But certainly different

Presumably with work you're seeing women at the point of parenting where it is all consuming. Your friends will rediscover themselves as the dc grow up.

* I admire women who say I don't want them and stick to it. *

And you don’t women that change their mind?

*Thank you, this really helps.

I think there is an insecurity rearing its head that I'm not good enough for my friends, so I'm projecting a little bit.*

it's hard when lives take different paths, and I also struggled with friendship insecurity when I was younger, but honestly the ones who matter will still be there. And sometimes friendships ebb and flow a bit too. With my friends who were a bit older when having their first, I've been able to talk to them about it beforehand so we're definitely on the same page of it turns their life upside down and I don't really know what to do with small people but we absolutely definitely want to keep our friendship going :)