to think that being childless will end up being a very lonely choice?

[PernickitySnicket]

I'm 30, very much an introvert and am 99% sure that I don't want children.
I have a handful of very close friends, most of whom I've been friends with since school.
I don't love socialising, so don't meet new people often so I really value the friendships I have.
Recently, we've all reached the age where marriage and babies are on the horizon.
My two closest friends both want children, and that's exciting for them and they will obviously make the best choice for them and their families. I will help them where I can and support them always.

But a squiggly little selfish part of me is really gutted, I've been a Nanny since I was 18 and I've seen how parenthood dramatically changes people, and how people disappear into their children's lives.

AIBU to think that being the only childfree one plus not a confident socialiser means that I'm probably going to end up with even fewer friends than I already have?

Hope I'm not coming across as a prick!

I had DC1 at 36 and loved our life before kids. Never felt broody, it was all DH's idea to have babies 😂

Haven't looked back since. Our DC are amazing and our lives are full and happy.

Honestly, I think we'd still have had an awesome time without kids. Sometimes I imagine how much more money and sleep we'd have??! 😆

We have friends who don't have kids and they're perfectly happy. I don't think people are lonely if they didn't have kids. There's plenty of opportunity for a full and exciting life otherwise

@Chikapu

I agree it will be lonely in the later years. No children mean no grandchildren or great grandchildren and family times which make life full

Honestly, I think most people who choose not to have children are intelligent enough to realise that also means having no grandchildren, and they're ok with that. My life is full without children, I just never needed them to give my life purpose.
If you're only having them because you think at some random point in the future you might be a bit lonely then that's a totally shitty reason.

Exactly and a lot of people have siblings and nephews and nieces and cousins… why is it only grandchildren there count as family?! Plenty of ‘family times’ without grand children!

Also ‘family times that make life full’ 😬 as much as I live my family there are plenty of other ways to make your life full.

I wonder, why is it always women that peddle these opinions, as much as men can be annoying I’ve never had one comment on how having no kids = empty life!

@heldinadream

Everything is a stage. I've got two children, both long grown and gone and living their own lives. Coming to terms with them being separate adults necessitates going through yet another aloneness, and the will to want them to be free and separate. When they were little family life was all consuming, now it's a rare treat but my life task is to be entirely myself and NOT emotionally dependent on them. I don't regret having them but I can imagine being without them and being happy, because nothing and no-one is everything OP. Make the choices that are right for you.

Spot on @heldinadream

Kids are hard work and are the cause of a lot of resentment in relationships. If I had my time again, I wouldn’t have had any.

@ilovesooty

I’m just being honest. There are far too many unwanted and uncared for children in the world already.

If you don’t like children but have one there’s every chance of that happening - issues being inflicted that is.

Why should a child be some sort of experiment when you already know at the age of 30 you don’t like children?
It would be a selfish gamble

There is nothing “wrong” with not liking or wanting children. Far from it. But at least think you’d like to carry and raise a child before having one. It’s hard enough being a parent when they are part of your hopes and dreams or biological / hormonal longing. Add to the mix at aged 30 you don’t like them or want them they why the hell would you then have one. Unless you change your mind?

This is what I tell friends who are torn about having children
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/sep/04/what-i-tell-friends-torn-about-having-children?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

From the Guardian article:

'Fear of future regret is a powerful drug, but it can only be a theoretical fear and, contrary to popular propaganda, having children isn’t the only achievement that counts in a woman’s life. Children aren’t insurance policies or promises of companionship in your dotage. They’re just people, and they come with all the exhausting irritations that we all bring to the party. Some of us, for whatever weird reason, really need that in our lives. But to those who don’t, I say, don’t bother, and congratulations.'

[quote DebbieHarrysCheekbones]@ilovesooty

I’m just being honest. There are far too many unwanted and uncared for children in the world already.

If you don’t like children but have one there’s every chance of that happening - issues being inflicted that is.

Why should a child be some sort of experiment when you already know at the age of 30 you don’t like children?
It would be a selfish gamble

There is nothing “wrong” with not liking or wanting children. Far from it. But at least think you’d like to carry and raise a child before having one. It’s hard enough being a parent when they are part of your hopes and dreams or biological / hormonal longing. Add to the mix at aged 30 you don’t like them or want them they why the hell would you then have one. Unless you change your mind?[/quote]
Well that’s exactly why the OP has said she won’t be having kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had my kids a bit earlier than most of my friends and I've missed lots of the 30th birthday parties, hen dos and drunken weddings because I've got babies/toddlers (just given birth, breastfeeding, no childcare etc etc).

By the time mine are independent enough for me to start going out again, my friends will all have small children and I'll be on my tod again!

Strong friendships weather most storms I find.

@TheGrumpyGoat

I know
For some reason I need to explain what I meant to certain posters who think my saying having kids when you don’t then would inflict your issues about that subject onto them. Or to be precise “ don’t inflict your issues onto a kid”

Apparently it’s horrible for me to consider it fucked up to have kids when you actively don’t want them and don’t like them . After all it’s just another life right?

I’m not going to apologise for not treating the concept of a unwanted child as throwaway just to indulge the navel gazers amongst us

"Why don't you want children?"

Because I don't like them.

That made me laugh. For what it's worth I don't like other people's kids that much but knew I wanted my own which I love absolutely and have enjoyed every single minute of raising them. However if it's not for you then accept it but in answer to your question I think you will be sidelined whilst your friend's lives change so your life will need to change too. Make new childless friends etc

I think it’s very normal to not love children in general but just the ones who you choose to love- whether you have kids or not! I think the friendships lost are the people who actively don’t like their friends making the choice to have kids and don’t want anything to change. Do you nanny for mainly young children? Your description of parents (mothers) losing themselves etc is maybe common with small children but there comes a time when many value and seek out adult only time and are happy not to discuss the children. So maybe bare with your friends when their kids are babies/ toddlers even if they’re boring etc. It is often overwhelming but the friendship will likely revert more back to normality in a couple of years.

I am celebratory in my life choices is unbearably smug.

YANBU, OP. I don’t have children, and I would say that the resulting isolation from your peers is the only downside to that decision.

You will, of course, be able to keep friendships going after your friends have children. But they will be different, and more difficult. They will be based on reaching across differences and providing different perspectives rather than on shared interests. They won’t be effortless any more, you won’t feel that those friends instantly “get” you.

You will almost completely lose any socialising in mixed groups. Any of that will become daytime family get-togethers. There won’t be any more nice group dinners. Your social life with your existing friends will become one-on-one, or “girls’ nights” and the odd wedding.

If you’re very lucky there will be others in your circle who choose not to have kids, but if not, you’ll have to make the effort to go out and make new friends. Obviously you have an advantage here because the kind of people you want to meet will be in the same boat and will be open to new friendships, but it’s still hard work.

Of course the pisser is that having kids just because all your friends are is a really bad reason for doing it and likely to make you pretty unhappy.

I’m sorry to sound so negative, but you need to know. I don’t think it’s at all a reason to change your mind, but it is a thing.

@ilovesooty

I am celebratory in my life choices is unbearably smug.

Deal with it Lots to my life is really hard and anything but the material for smugness but I do celebrate my children They are the best thing that ever happened to me and I adore them

Children aren’t insurance policies or promises of companionship in your dotage.

So much this. Too many people say you’re selfish to not have kids and then respond with ‘who will look after you when you’re old’ as if that’s not the height of selfishness.

@seaandsandcastles

Being childless is a lonely life. You don’t have a purpose or a sense of duty. If it’s not by choice it’s exceptionally devastating.

Oh fuck off. Having a kid to give you sense of purpose is repugnant. I would be exceptionally devastated to be impregnated and reproduce.try finding your own ‘sense of purpose’ instead of shagging out another consumer onto the dying planet I can’t believe you’re trying to tell women that they are pointless if they don’t breed. Absolutely disgraceful.

OP, I’m childfree, not childless, and life is bliss. I have a strong friendship group online within childfree communities, and zero interest in hanging out with people who chose to be parents.

Oh I see sea was referring to infertility, which isn’t what this thread is about, in any way 🙄

@Boood why do you lose out on socialising in mixed groups? In my experience child free couples continue to be involved but for some reason many couples don’t like involving singles (actually I do know some of the reasons but they’re not very good ones!)

@NowEvenBetter
You won’t be friends with people that have children? Wtf? Really?

@Boood

YANBU, OP. I don’t have children, and I would say that the resulting isolation from your peers is the only downside to that decision.

You will, of course, be able to keep friendships going after your friends have children. But they will be different, and more difficult. They will be based on reaching across differences and providing different perspectives rather than on shared interests. They won’t be effortless any more, you won’t feel that those friends instantly “get” you.

You will almost completely lose any socialising in mixed groups. Any of that will become daytime family get-togethers. There won’t be any more nice group dinners. Your social life with your existing friends will become one-on-one, or “girls’ nights” and the odd wedding.

If you’re very lucky there will be others in your circle who choose not to have kids, but if not, you’ll have to make the effort to go out and make new friends. Obviously you have an advantage here because the kind of people you want to meet will be in the same boat and will be open to new friendships, but it’s still hard work.

Of course the pisser is that having kids just because all your friends are is a really bad reason for doing it and likely to make you pretty unhappy.

I’m sorry to sound so negative, but you need to know. I don’t think it’s at all a reason to change your mind, but it is a thing.

I think this is very true. I didn’t have children until I was in my late thirties and in the immediate years before that my social circle shrank to just a handful of childless friends. I was also single. I did see my friends with children but this was not for months sometimes years at a time. When I had my own children I immediately saw and knew why this happens.

I have loads more friends and a far bigger support network as a single mother now my children are growing up. They are like another family to me and we are do a lot together and for each other. It’s beyond having children but it’s because of children we are friends. Our lives spill over into each other’s through school, hobbies, social activities etc

As you say not a reason to have them but it’s a perspective to consider

I have children and 2 of my closest friends don’t. It really isn’t an issue.
If your friends dump or neglect you when they have children then that’s because they are shit friends, not because they have children!

You need a mix of friends with without children . Do something you enjoy walking choir book clus sport.
Doesn't need to be lonely

Hi OP,

I’m probably guilty of discussing nothing but babies and motherhood when I went to toddler groups, simply because it was the obvious thing I had in common with other mums and a good chance to share ideas and help each other in that area.

However, as a fellow introvert I very much valued the couple of friendships I had with a child free woman and a older woman with grown up children and loved meeting up with them in the evenings to discuss anything non child related. It felt like a wonderful chance to be me again- not mum me or work me, but things like hobbies, dreams for the future, current affairs etc. Those friendships have stood the test of time also whereas a lot of the baby group mum friends didn’t last.