to think that being childless will end up being a very lonely choice?

[PernickitySnicket]

I'm 30, very much an introvert and am 99% sure that I don't want children.
I have a handful of very close friends, most of whom I've been friends with since school.
I don't love socialising, so don't meet new people often so I really value the friendships I have.
Recently, we've all reached the age where marriage and babies are on the horizon.
My two closest friends both want children, and that's exciting for them and they will obviously make the best choice for them and their families. I will help them where I can and support them always.

But a squiggly little selfish part of me is really gutted, I've been a Nanny since I was 18 and I've seen how parenthood dramatically changes people, and how people disappear into their children's lives.

AIBU to think that being the only childfree one plus not a confident socialiser means that I'm probably going to end up with even fewer friends than I already have?

Hope I'm not coming across as a prick!

@esloquehay

OP, I know you said you don't want to come across as a prick, but you do. You mention all the women you have encountered who have 'lost' their identities and live through their children... Maybe some, not all, are happy with this choice. And, it IS a choice. You sound somewhat supercilious. Not sure why you chose your profession when you don't particularly children, but hey... If you're they worried about feeling lonely when your friends who have children are out there living their lives, maybe become a maladaptive daydreamer and create your ideal circle of friends?

I'm not sure that I'm the one coming across as a prick right now.

I'm going to leave this thread now, I had a feeling it was going to become defensive and aggressive.
I'm not really in the mood to have my job suitability scrutinised and my life choices judged.

Thank you to everyone who was being thoughtful, I appreciate it.

I’m not defensive and aggressive
You are passively both

I am celebratory in my life choices and my children are fabulous
Don’t inflict your issues on a kid

I'm older but have the same issue with friends who have become grandparents.It's the last thing I want,but they are obsessed about it and its all they can talk about. I make all the right noises but God, its boring.

[quote Limejuiceandrum]@Skyla2005

I agree it will be lonely in the later years. No children mean no grandchildren or great grandchildren and family times which make life full

You think that’s not nasty, that’s not an anecdote, if you know what one of those is.[/quote]
You think it's nasty but it's true I'm afraid. Elderly people with no family do become lonely. It's a fact of life

@Palavah

Check out tiffany.jmarie on instagram for some perspective on this

She's brilliant!

For comparison, DH and I have good friends who are probably going to remain child-free. I love spending time with them and since my kids are still young we don't see them without our kids tagging along (no family to look after and don't feel they're at the stage where we could leave them with a babysitter yet).

It sucks, tbh. I can't wait until our kids are bigger and we can fuck off for a fab night out with our childless friends!

Having kids has nothing to do with losing yourself, considering the vast majority of women in general do have children at some point in their life.

For the first year, or even just few months, you have to give up a lot of things, but really that's it. People who bang on about their kids do exist and they bore all of us to death, including those of us with kids. There's also people without kids who bang on about their family, holidays and all manner of things without picking up on social cues

@Skyla2005
In your small world maybe.

I know plenty of older women I am friends with that have had fascinating lives and many friends of all ages, not just standard churning out of children so they might not feel lonely later in life.
God your world must be small.

I get it and I do get concerned about myself but more about the 'what about when you are old' thing that people say.

It is true that some people disappear when they have kids. I've also had friends disappear when married, or when they get in a relationship-- and also just for no particular reason. Sadly it seems quite difficult to depend on most friendships being long term. Think how many threads you see on here where people are considering ditching their friend of 20 years, or are being ditched!

Perhaps try to make some child free friends? There is no guarantee though. My plan if I end up with no one is to immerse myself in some useful cause.

Elderly people with no family do become lonely. It's a fact of life

Elderly people with lots of family who don't bother with them, also become lonely. It's a fact of life.

I should add, I've also lost a few friends since having kids (even if our kids are similar ages) as we have veeeeery different parenting styles and I couldn't deal with listening constantly to how brilliant little ~Tarquin~ was for doing was was actually just bog-standard age appropriate stuff.

I was a nanny pre-kids and I loved it. I felt it gave me a really good view of life into parenting and I'm grateful to have had that!

@PernickitySnicket

I'm going to leave this thread now, I had a feeling it was going to become defensive and aggressive. I'm not really in the mood to have my job suitability scrutinised and my life choices judged.

Thank you to everyone who was being thoughtful, I appreciate it.

I hope you are still reading....your life choices are perfectly valid and you sound brilliant at your job. I know a number of teachers and not all of them like children or want them.....but they do like educating them and working with them. Hell, I don't like human beings most of the time and I'm a bloody doctor!

At the moment it's all theoretical because those friends don't have children and aren't pregnant. When the time comes, and you don't know if any of them will have fertility issues or indeed change their minds, you'll work it through together.

You may be an introvert, but during your life you will cross paths with many people and some of those will become friends.

Whatever the future does hold for you, I wish you all the best and you are not a prick. Some people can't cope with any perceived criticism of their lives. You might want to consider why that is

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones

I’m not defensive and aggressive You are passively both

I am celebratory in my life choices and my children are fabulous
Don’t inflict your issues on a kid

Your last sentence is awfully bitchy and completely unnecessary. You are aggressive, despite claiming otherwise.

@sammylady37

No love it’s a statement of fact
Not bitchy
Don’t have a kid if you don’t want one. That WOULD be wrong

[quote DebbieHarrysCheekbones]@sammylady37

No love it’s a statement of fact
Not bitchy
Don’t have a kid if you don’t want one. That WOULD be wrong[/quote]
Not having a kid when you don’t want one makes sense.

Suggesting the op has issues which would be harmful if inflicted on a child, as you did, is bitchy and is not fact.

I'm gob smacked that you work and own a nursery but don't like kids.

It's like me being a jockey and not liking horses.

What made you pursue that career??

@sammylady37

I would suggest that going so far as to start a thread on the topic of her life being shit if she doesn’t or does have kids is sufficiently an issue for her that would probably mean if she did it might be for that child

It’s not being bitchy
If you don’t want children don’t have them
Nobody else really cares
End of

If my comment has touched that much of a nerve for you then perhaps you have issues on the subject.

@underneaththeash

Why don't you want children?

None of your business

[quote DebbieHarrysCheekbones]@sammylady37

I would suggest that going so far as to start a thread on the topic of her life being shit if she doesn’t or does have kids is sufficiently an issue for her that would probably mean if she did it might be for that child

It’s not being bitchy
If you don’t want children don’t have them
Nobody else really cares
End of

If my comment has touched that much of a nerve for you then perhaps you have issues on the subject.[/quote]
I would consider the op to be very sensibly considering her options and putting a lot of thought into what is a life-defining decision. It’s refreshing to see someone do that as opposed to churning out kids without much thought, which so many seem to do.

And you didn’t ‘touch a nerve’ for me. You just came across as having made a bitchy comment, which I remarked upon. I have no issues whatsoever on the topic.

Aw @PeriChristmas that made me well up! I think I'm just happy that we can all do what's best for us and stick with each other through our lives becoming different - and I've been so lucky that my friends have made similar efforts as they've become parents, because it does turn your life upside down (in a mostly good way?!).

@sammylady37
I don’t care whether any woman does or doesn’t want children. They don’t owe me that level of explanation.
It’s entirely their choice and I respect that.

But if the starting point is that that a person doesn’t like children, and starts a thread don a discussion forum exploring it, then it might not be obscene to suggest that if they did indeed have one it might cause all sorts of pain for said child.

Not sure why you find that bitchy but so be it.

@seaandsandcastles

Being childless is a lonely life. You don’t have a purpose or a sense of duty. If it’s not by choice it’s exceptionally devastating.

I wasn’t originally childless by choice but I don’t think my life lacks purpose or duty.

You think it's nasty but it's true I'm afraid. Elderly people with no family do become lonely. It's a fact of life

So do plenty of elderly people whose children want little or nothing to do with them. In fact I would think that is worse, to have uninterested children than none at all.

I've never wanted kids. I'm 47 now. I still have loads of friends. Life is, to some extent, what you choose to make of it.

@ShatnersWig

I've never wanted kids. I'm 47 now. I still have loads of friends. Life is, to some extent, what you choose to make of it.

To a huge extent I think