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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that being childless will end up being a very lonely choice?

219 replies

PernickitySnicket · 19/09/2021 16:44

I'm 30, very much an introvert and am 99% sure that I don't want children.
I have a handful of very close friends, most of whom I've been friends with since school.
I don't love socialising, so don't meet new people often so I really value the friendships I have.
Recently, we've all reached the age where marriage and babies are on the horizon.
My two closest friends both want children, and that's exciting for them and they will obviously make the best choice for them and their families. I will help them where I can and support them always.

But a squiggly little selfish part of me is really gutted, I've been a Nanny since I was 18 and I've seen how parenthood dramatically changes people, and how people disappear into their children's lives.

AIBU to think that being the only childfree one plus not a confident socialiser means that I'm probably going to end up with even fewer friends than I already have?

Hope I'm not coming across as a prick!

OP posts:
Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 17:51

I've seen countless women's new perspective being "nothing matters but my child"

And this is entirely their prerogative OP

Hardbackwriter · 19/09/2021 18:01

In fact the more I think about it the more I think that being a nanny gives you insight into lots of aspects of parenting, but I can't see how it's useful for seeing how people change through becoming parents as you're nearly always going to be meeting them after they have children.

Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 18:07

How do you even know that they have lost everything? Perhaps they see it as again

Plus…. Trust me - you really will not know much about the private life of your employers

NuffSaidSam · 19/09/2021 18:09

@Saladovercrispsanyday

How do you even know that they have lost everything? Perhaps they see it as again

Plus…. Trust me - you really will not know much about the private life of your employers

Trust me, the nanny always knows more than you think.
Original poster
PernickitySnicket · 19/09/2021 18:17

@Saladovercrispsanyday

How do you even know that they have lost everything? Perhaps they see it as again

Plus…. Trust me - you really will not know much about the private life of your employers

I strongly disagree. I know far more about my employers personal lives than I'd ever want to.
OP posts:
Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 18:17

Oh I imagine

But there will be a great deal she doesn’t know re how the mother is when she’s not with her children and nanny.

And the op said many mothers…. I’m guessing she hasn’t been a live in for many mothers. Or indeed ever live in

CounsellorTroi · 19/09/2021 18:22

@Saladovercrispsanyday

* s. I've been to countless baby classes and playgroups and childrens events (as well as living in parent's homes of course) and parents live their entire lives through their children. Nothing else matters, only the kids. It's all they talk of and they have nothing outside of that. Not all, obviously, but the majority.* OP’s posts: See next | See all

Op you’re at a BABY group. And most won’t know other women or just be acquaintances rather than actual friends.
Unlikely to see political debates

I was very different at 10am at a baby group
As to what I was like enjoying a long lunch with my old friends

I know people with grown up children who still talk about nothing else in their Christmas letters, nothing about what they themselves are getting up to at all. I find it quite sad.
Changechangychange · 19/09/2021 18:22

I've seen mothers of teens who have given up their hobbies and interests and career to only be a Mum

That must be a tiny minority of parents these days. I don’t know any SAHMs whatsoever. It’s true that it’s hard to fit hobbies around a full time job and two preschoolers, but it can be done.

I’m a hospital consultant, so job is relatively full on, and all of my female colleagues have retained their hobbies. They do some with their families, especially once the kids are secondary aged, but that’s hardly a surprise. You obviously only start your kids off in activities you like yourself.

MercyBooth · 19/09/2021 19:15

Im child free by choice too and at 48 i feel no differently about it than i did at 21

@Changechangychange Unrelated to this do you have any idea what the waiting time is for knee replacements regarding a male patient of 65

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 19/09/2021 19:19

@Saladovercrispsanyday

The op isn’t an “older” child free women who presumably are surrounded my friends who’s children have become more independent

Yes, but the OP was talking about how she would end up - meaning when she was older.

seaandsandcastles · 19/09/2021 19:21

Being childless is a lonely life. You don’t have a purpose or a sense of duty. If it’s not by choice it’s exceptionally devastating.

VeryQuaintIrene · 19/09/2021 19:25

Being childless is a lonely life. You don’t have a purpose or a sense of duty.

You what, now? I suppose if you make it so, it is, but it certainly doesn't have to be.

TheGrumpyGoat · 19/09/2021 19:27

@seaandsandcastles

Being childless is a lonely life. You don’t have a purpose or a sense of duty. If it’s not by choice it’s exceptionally devastating.
WTF? I have children but I could have led an equally as fulfilled (but very different) life without children. My child free friends certainly aren’t lonely.
NuffSaidSam · 19/09/2021 19:29

Being childless is a lonely life. You don’t have a purpose or a sense of duty.

Give over.

spicedappledonuts · 19/09/2021 19:31

I have friends without dc.
They seem neither lonely or lacking in purpose.
They maybe dote on their pets more than I do but all them are busy with more interesting things than washing school uniforms.( unlike me)
It is increasingly normal not to have dc.

IcedPurple · 19/09/2021 19:33

I'm 52, so quite a bit older than you, but YANBU.

The fact is that once people have children, their priorities and lifestyle change dramatically. Obviously, their entire life is going to revolve around their children in a way which can be all consuming.

It's all very well to say, as a PP did, that it can all be fine if you both 'make the effort', and I'm glad it worked out that way for them, but for me, I found that my life and the lives of my friends who had young children were simply incompatible on a day to day level. It didn't mean we didn't still care for each other, but it did mean that actually spending time together was difficult. And, 9 times out of 10, the one 'doing the running' is going to be the childfree person. Which is fine to a certain extent, but becomes rather draining after a while.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/09/2021 19:34

I think you will see less of friends for a certain amount of time- equally you may meet someone and go off in a couple bubble for a while- but people go in and out of each others lives at different times

Puppalicious · 19/09/2021 19:37

Why did you choose a career working with children if you don’t like them Confused . I didn’t really like most kids before I had them, I can’t imagine becoming a nanny.

Allthebubbles · 19/09/2021 19:39

I have a group of friends and we've all had kids at different times- so for a long time a couple were child free while I and others had young ones- I still valued them just as much as friends and made efforts to do non kid stuff but also appreciated the efforts they made with my children. Now mine are older, they have babies and the tables have turned- but if they hadn't had children they would still be my closest and oldest friends. My kids adore them too.

I think some people do get obsessed and there is also a period where you do lack flexibility but if everyone puts a big of thought to the others it can work well.

Mrbob · 19/09/2021 19:48

@seaandsandcastles

Being childless is a lonely life. You don’t have a purpose or a sense of duty. If it’s not by choice it’s exceptionally devastating.
Hahahaha I have so many social invites I can’t keep up and some amazing friends I love I do a pretty important job with huge responsibilities and am well paid (and try to share that wealth with those around me) My entire job is to make other people’s lives better The world is my oyster when it comes to doing exciting and fulfilling projects and adventures My life is my own to choose I strive for internal happiness not related to material items But yes no duty or purpose Hmm

What sanctimonious bullshit. I feel sorry for people whose only purpose in life is to have children

Beahappy2a · 19/09/2021 19:52

I wouldn’t say I live through my child but I must admit that I have never had more enjoyment and satisfaction from anything else. I have a successful career which I went back to two months after birth, I love what I do but I love caring for my daughter more… it’s very overwhelming at times but I get a lot back from the challenges I face from parenting, saying that I do completely understand people don’t want children and if you know you don’t want children I don’t think you should feel any pressure to have them. I have met a lot of seriously overwhelmed mothers who have completely lost themselves, it’s quite upsetting…

SecretSpAD · 19/09/2021 20:00

Being childless is a lonely life. You don’t have a purpose or a sense of duty. If it’s not by choice it’s exceptionally devastating

There are no words.....just 🙄🤯🤣🤣🤣

1forAll74 · 19/09/2021 20:00

You will just have a different life style than your friends with children that's all. It doesn't mean you will be sad and lonely in the future at all. Just make sure, that you don't get roped in for childcare from all your friends, who have children and then wan't childcare all the time from others.

I am sure that there are lots and lots of people who choose not to have any children, and are perfectly happy in their lives.

Skyla2005 · 19/09/2021 20:04

I agree it will be lonely in the later years. No children mean no grandchildren or great grandchildren and family times which make life full. Yes you will have friends but that isn't anything like being surrounded by your family when you are elderly. My grandmother only had 2 children herself but because of this she had five grandchildren and 12 great grandchildren which gave her so much joy when she got older The family times we all had made her life so wonderful and she cherished it her family was everything to her

Asleanna · 19/09/2021 20:04

I'm a nanny and whilst I see the challenges having children can bring, it hasn't changed my mind on having children. Most of the parents I work for still make time for their friends and hobbies. I know this because we are close and I know lots about what they get up to.
There is nothing wrong with being child free at all and hopefully your friends will still make an effort.
I will say though, I'd be disappointed if you were my nanny and I found out you didn't even like children. Why are you working with children if you don't like them?

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