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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that being childless will end up being a very lonely choice?

219 replies

PernickitySnicket · 19/09/2021 16:44

I'm 30, very much an introvert and am 99% sure that I don't want children.
I have a handful of very close friends, most of whom I've been friends with since school.
I don't love socialising, so don't meet new people often so I really value the friendships I have.
Recently, we've all reached the age where marriage and babies are on the horizon.
My two closest friends both want children, and that's exciting for them and they will obviously make the best choice for them and their families. I will help them where I can and support them always.

But a squiggly little selfish part of me is really gutted, I've been a Nanny since I was 18 and I've seen how parenthood dramatically changes people, and how people disappear into their children's lives.

AIBU to think that being the only childfree one plus not a confident socialiser means that I'm probably going to end up with even fewer friends than I already have?

Hope I'm not coming across as a prick!

OP posts:

discombobulatedonion · 20/09/2021 07:10

I’m 23 with a 3 year old and I have absolutely zero friends. None. I have my partner and my family/his family but I have no actual friends. I’m lonelier now than I’ve ever been. Maybe it will change as my son gets older, but I’ve never really had friends anyway so I doubt it.

Iloveabourbon2 · 20/09/2021 07:15

@RevolvingPivot

I'm gob smacked that you work and own a nursery but don't like kids.

It's like me being a jockey and not liking horses.

What made you pursue that career??

Maybe OP likes kids more than she thinks!

I have a child but believe me I wouldn't and could not stand to work in a nursery or be a nanny! So OP must have a flare for kids..

discombobulatedonion · 20/09/2021 07:20

@discombobulatedonion

@discombobulatedonion

Sorry, I meant to add: in reality I think it just depends on you as a person, and whether your life will literally revolve around your child (which isn’t a bad thing!) or whether you will find a nice balance between friendships and your child.

If you don’t have children, it entirely depends on your friends who DO have children, using the example I placed above. You don’t have to have kids to be friends with people who do have kids.

tinselvestsparklepants · 20/09/2021 07:41

I lost some friends at the baby stage. But I made a lot more - and many were with people without kids. I'd say it's definitely easier now I'm mid 40s as people my age are mostly out if the tiny kid stage - but I'm not lonely! You will be fine. An observation though - my new friends have included people of lots of different age groups. I hadn't had that before and I really recommend it!

PurpleParrotfish · 20/09/2021 07:50

It can be tricky to meet up with old friends who don’t live locally if they have small children - but just as tricky if you have small children too!
And as for ‘elderly people being lonely without children’, you have to get to being properly elderly before that might be true. Thinking of family and friends in their seventies, they generally have children and grandchildren in other parts of the country who they try and see as often as possible, but it’s their friends who are their day to day socialising and support network.

brokenbiscuitsx · 20/09/2021 08:13

@seaandsandcastles

Being childless is a lonely life. You don’t have a purpose or a sense of duty. If it’s not by choice it’s exceptionally devastating.

A lot of people are able to find a sense of worth and purpose in themselves and don’t have to look to others to provide it for them.

StCharlotte · 20/09/2021 08:39

I don't have children (not by choice but that's okay). I'm in my 50s now.

There are at least five other couples in our circle who don't have children (for whatever reason) and as we're all of an age, those who do all have adult children. I don't feel lonely at all.

In the years to come you might be surprised

MrsMiddleMother · 20/09/2021 08:57

Yanbu. When friends have babies there's often breaks in friendship and especially if you don't really like kids. Of course you can make new childless friends but we know that's difficult as adults. So while you're friends are preoccupied with parenthood and have less time for you, it probably will get lonely. Also thinking to the future, no children, no new mum friends, no grandchildren. I have no doubts living child free is wonderful and care free, I also don't doubt it can be lonely unless surrounded by like minded people.

CounsellorTroi · 20/09/2021 09:07

Maybe OP likes kids more than she thinks!

I have a child but believe me I wouldn't and could not stand to work in a nursery or be a nanny! So OP must have a flare for kids.

Lots of people work in child related fields, e.g teaching, paediatric medicine, children’s charities without necessarily wanting to be parents themselves.

Hardbackwriter · 20/09/2021 09:25

Lots of people work in child related fields, e.g teaching, paediatric medicine, children’s charities without necessarily wanting to be parents themselves.

I don't think there's anything at all surprising about wanting to work with kids but not wanting to be a parent - I don't think it's any stranger than wanting to be a parent but not wanting to work with kids. They're just different things.

But OP didn't just say she's a nanny who doesn't want to be a parent, which would be unremarkable, she said she's a nanny who 'doesn't like kids', which does seem odd.

backtolifebacktoreality · 20/09/2021 09:27

I think a life without children could be far more sociable. You can do exactly what you want when you want. You can go off travelling etc. Don't feel you have to have kids. Many do and then fall out with them so can be lonely because of that!

inmyslippers · 20/09/2021 09:31

I'm a mum of one and have several
ChildFree friends. Some through choice and some who it just sadly never happened. They all have rich full lives, enjoy relationships with relatives children. They also manage to make time for me thankfully

EishetChayil · 20/09/2021 09:32

People say your life gets smaller when you have children, and this put me off for a long time. But I've found the exact opposite. Having them has opened things up - new people, new circles, an instant point of commonality with 90% of people.

People seem to think that "having children" condemns you to a lifetime of nappie, no sleep, sticky fingers, etc. But for the vast majority of cases, the intensive "looking after" part is a matter of a few years. Well worth going through that for the world-widening aspects, IMHO. I know there are no guarantees that my children will like me when they're older (!!) but the idea of an empty house and no "legacy" gives me a weird cold feeling.

Plumtree391 · 20/09/2021 09:39

I hope you come back, Pernickity, I am finding this thread very interesting.

Not every mother/parent loses their identity when they have children, some manage to be a parent, have a career and enjoy some interests. Obviously having a child is time consuming but you adapt to the different demands your life brings.

It doesn't surprise me that a nanny wants to be child free, your working life revolves around children and parents so you see it warts and all, every day.

You're thirty so you may change your mind, especially if you meet a good chap to settle down with.

However there are many, single and childless women who have marvellous lives and are not lonely.

I don't think you should worry about it, let your life unfold and see what happens.

HoboSexualOnslow · 20/09/2021 09:52

I naturally gravitated towards my childfree friends that maybe weren't as close, and now have some amazing friendships with them. Childfree is becoming more common so I don't think you'll have any issues.

Saladovercrispsanyday · 20/09/2021 10:00

@CounsellorTroi

Maybe OP likes kids more than she thinks!

I have a child but believe me I wouldn't and could not stand to work in a nursery or be a nanny! So OP must have a flare for kids.

Lots of people work in child related fields, e.g teaching, paediatric medicine, children’s charities without necessarily wanting to be parents themselves.

But I reckon they generally like children!

Chikapu · 20/09/2021 10:08

Being childless is a lonely life. You don’t have a purpose or a sense of duty

What a load of bollocking bollocks. A sense of duty about what?

Chikapu · 20/09/2021 10:13

I agree it will be lonely in the later years. No children mean no grandchildren or great grandchildren and family times which make life full

Honestly, I think most people who choose not to have children are intelligent enough to realise that also means having no grandchildren, and they're ok with that. My life is full without children, I just never needed them to give my life purpose.
If you're only having them because you think at some random point in the future you might be a bit lonely then that's a totally shitty reason.

mustlovegin · 20/09/2021 10:25

I agree it will be lonely in the later years

Well, if anything, Covid has made it very clear that none of us know whether we'll make it to the 'later years'

Why would someone who doesn't enjoy being a mother spend 20 odd years living a life they don't enjoy and making sacrifices when perhaps they will not even make it to 60 (or develop a debilitating illness, etc)?

Saladovercrispsanyday · 20/09/2021 10:31

Well, if anything, Covid has made it very clear that none of us know whether we'll make it to the 'later years'

Most of us were fully aware of this before covid

TheGrumpyGoat · 20/09/2021 10:32

Well, if anything, Covid has made it very clear that none of us know whether we'll make it to the 'later years'

Well… that’s nothing new though is it? Pre Covid did you think you were guaranteed to make it to 80?
Cancer is far more likely to kill us before our time than Covid is.

Bumpsadaisie · 20/09/2021 10:43

I think have children shrinks your world for a few years.

But overall greatly expands it. Not just all the new people you meet, all your kids friends and interests when they are older ...

But also having kids really changes you and ushers in a lot of personal development whether you like it or not.

Not saying you can't have personal development without kids - course you can.

But having them is life changing and life is expanded and richer for it.

ilovesooty · 20/09/2021 10:45

@RevolvingPivot

I'm gob smacked that you work and own a nursery but don't like kids.

It's like me being a jockey and not liking horses.

What made you pursue that career??

The OP didn't ask for a critique of her career choices.

ilovesooty · 20/09/2021 10:46

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones

I’m not defensive and aggressive You are passively both

I am celebratory in my life choices and my children are fabulous
Don’t inflict your issues on a kid

Horrible post.

CounsellorTroi · 20/09/2021 10:51

From what I’ve observed, people without children tend to put in more effort maintaining wider social networks in their later years rather than relying on family to keep them company.

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