to think that being childless will end up being a very lonely choice?

[PernickitySnicket]

I'm 30, very much an introvert and am 99% sure that I don't want children.
I have a handful of very close friends, most of whom I've been friends with since school.
I don't love socialising, so don't meet new people often so I really value the friendships I have.
Recently, we've all reached the age where marriage and babies are on the horizon.
My two closest friends both want children, and that's exciting for them and they will obviously make the best choice for them and their families. I will help them where I can and support them always.

But a squiggly little selfish part of me is really gutted, I've been a Nanny since I was 18 and I've seen how parenthood dramatically changes people, and how people disappear into their children's lives.

AIBU to think that being the only childfree one plus not a confident socialiser means that I'm probably going to end up with even fewer friends than I already have?

Hope I'm not coming across as a prick!

@Skyla2005
What a nasty nasty comment.
Most women I know who aren’t obsessed with their family make other connections, you should be ashamed to say such a nasty thing

@hilariousnamehere

Gently but genuinely, YABVVVU.

I'm 35 and single and childfree by choice, most of my friends have children.

My key friendships are still strong - and that's because both of us have made a real effort because we value and love each other. So I spend time with them with their babies when tthey're small, sit and chat in the dark while baby goes to sleep, do most of the travelling because tiny people are hard to travel with. And I accept that for five or so years we will have a slightly different focus to our friendship, interruptions from small people, disrupted plans when we meet up.

In return they make a massive effort to keep phoning and texting, to still meet up or host me if they can't travel, to talk excitedly about their kids (because I'm excited too) but also to talk about the other stuff they love and to show a genuine interest and care in what's happening in my life.

I try not to be too obvious about how horrified I am at their exhaustion and having to deal with nappies, and they try not to be too obvious about my freedom to stay in bed till 4pm on the weekends and do what I want when I want. Sometimes we laugh about all those things because the most important thing is that we want to stay friends.

Parenthood will only result in the loss of friendships if you both let it, but it does need give and take on both sides.

It sounds like yours are good so I think your fears are unfounded :)

Wow @hilariousnamehere you sound like an absolutely lovely friend! I wish some of my childfree mates had been as thoughtful as you.

No children mean no grandchildren or great grandchildren and family times which make life full.

Have you been on here long? Haven't you seen the myriad of threads where people are non contact with family?

I have two adopted kids and neither want children.

Having children doesn't mean big happy families with grandchildren etc.

I think you might find - assuming that you don’t make new friends of course - that you are a bit lonely using the stage when your friends are consumed with babies and toddlers. Young children are all-consuming. But I don’t think you’ll end up lonely later in life because parents come out the other side of that all-consuming phase.

I was a Nanny and I know a couple of nannies who are just like you and have chosen not to have children. I think there's 'nanny burnout' and I very nearly reached it before having ds.

I can tell you it's NOTHING like work or the kids you love because you look after them, it's different beyond belief, completely different.

Saying that, nothing wrong with not having kids, nothing at all, sounds like you have a good life so just do whatever you like.

having children just to keep up with your friends seems like hard work. Having them to look after you in old age sounds optimistic given the numbers of NC offspring and crap family dynamics you read about on here.
As for the PP "why don't you want children?" - it is optional!

I never wanted, and don't have children - some friends I've stayed close to, others I've drifted apart from as we had less in common.
You do make new friends as you go through life, even if not manically sociable - maybe you have to work harder at it, but expecting your friends at 30 to remain your only friends, and the same quality and degree of importance in your life as you get older may be unrealistic.

@SecretSpAD

No children mean no grandchildren or great grandchildren and family times which make life full.

Have you been on here long? Haven't you seen the myriad of threads where people are non contact with family?

I have two adopted kids and neither want children.

Having children doesn't mean big happy families with grandchildren etc.

Well it can do. I was just saying how my grandmother was with our family that is all.

[quote Limejuiceandrum]@Skyla2005
What a nasty nasty comment.
Most women I know who aren’t obsessed with their family make other connections, you should be ashamed to say such a nasty thing[/quote]
Sorry ? How is sharing my experience of family a Nast comment. It's a fact I'm afraid that if you don't have children you won't have grandchildren some people don't want them and that's their choice. Don't call me nasty just for posting how my family are

@Skyla2005
Are you actually saying you’re so blinkered you can’t imagine your grandmother having any other type of life than the one she had??!!
Or that other women are left with nothing if they don’t have multiple generations to take joy in.
Jesus I despair

@Skyla2005

I agree it will be lonely in the later years. No children mean no grandchildren or great grandchildren and family times which make life full

You think that’s not nasty, that’s not an anecdote, if you know what one of those is.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Friendships are likely to change. However, you can adapt. I've had two children over the past three years and lots of my friends don't have children. Some have expected me to be the same, and are surprised why I bring my kids everywhere (what else am I supposed to do with them?!). Others have adapted to my new way of life and accept that if we are to maintain a friendship, things are a bit different - I can't always see them at the drop of a hat, nights out require planning, a midday walk will often involve me pushing a child in a buggy etc. Friendships don't have to end as a result of different life choices but they evolve.

Motherhood is tough OP and since you have been a nanny perhaps you have noted down a lot of the negatives.

In reality though many parents continue to have more and most people say they wouldn't change it for the world.

Your thread title though. I suspect yes it will be lonely if you don't have kids as people get busy with their own lives as they get older.

Like everything though there's no guarantees and you may change your mind yourself OP.

We are in the next generation, with 2 single children in their late 30s. Neither show any signs of having a relationship, never mind children. Most of our friends have grandchildren, and an awful lot of their time is spent child minding, which they all enjoy, but all complain about the children exhausting them. 2 of the couples have caught covid from their grandchildren, all were vaccinated, so were not hospitalised, but were quite ill. My daughter has a great life. Owns a good car, own house, holidays whenever she wants, can buy almost whatever she wants, has lots of friends and organises her social life weeks in advance. So we hardly get a look in. She would love a partner, but so many of her friends have been let down by men, it has made her very wary. She goes on plenty of dates. I think you have to make the best of your situation, join local activity groups and widen your friendship circle. Just because you have children, doesn't mean you will not be on your own when you are older. I have several friends who have children who have moved to Australia or the USA. Make your own life and enjoy what you do.

@Skyla2005 it sounds a lovely experience for everyone. My grandmother was well,loved and doted on as well and all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren were with her in old age too. However, that's not always the case.

If you'd said that was your experience rather than the "you will be lonely" then you wouldn't have been jumped on.

As someone who have many friends and is NC with family, yes family is fundamental to happiness. It's hard and does feel lonely when everyone else is so happy

But family doesn't have to be immediate descendants. You can have nieces and nephews, your own siblings, even a close godfamily or family friend who take you in as an Aunty. You don't need your own kids but you need close connections and a tribe of your own

I'm 23 and childless by choice. I don't think children should be a back up plan to look after parents when they get old and I don't think all parents are too busy to have social lives.

I have friends who have had children since we met and some friends I met after they'd had children and I don't feel our relationships have changed negatively. I like meeting up with them with kids in tow and I don't mind having to wait until the kids go to sleep for us to talk properly. There are times when we don't meet up or speak as often but most mums aren't actually too busy to send a quick text every now and then so you don't lose complete contact even when they're busy being parents.

My mum friends aren't the type to make their only personality trait their parenthood though so if yours are the type that will whinge about not sleeping and think they work harder than everyone else because of their kids then they're probably the type that won't put the effort into continuing your friendship. But they can still be in your life, you'll just find other friends that fit the gap they used to.

I’m a single parent. It’s not out of choice, but it’s a very lonely life. Especially as my DC has ASD. You can be lonely what ever direction you take.

OP, I know you said you don't want to come across as a prick, but you do.
You mention all the women you have encountered who have 'lost' their identities and live through their children...
Maybe some, not all, are happy with this choice. And, it IS a choice. You sound somewhat supercilious.
Not sure why you chose your profession when you don't particularly children, but hey...
If you're they worried about feeling lonely when your friends who have children are out there living their lives, maybe become a maladaptive daydreamer and create your ideal circle of friends?

[quote Limejuiceandrum]@Skyla2005
Are you actually saying you’re so blinkered you can’t imagine your grandmother having any other type of life than the one she had??!!
Or that other women are left with nothing if they don’t have multiple generations to take joy in.
Jesus I despair[/quote]
No of course she would have had a Life. I wasn't saying that at all I was telling you how her life was ! Yes she was very lucky her family stayed close it's not like that for lots of people but I am talking about when she got old and couldn't go out. If she hadn't had children she wouldn't have had any visitors because there would be no younger family member to go there and it's sad because her friends died before her so she would have been very lonely

*that worried

I love my own children
Not that keen on everyone else’s

Sure they are the same
Don’t need to justify your choices me honestly none of us care but I didn’t have children because I liked them
I had children because I wanted to be a mother and raise my own children

@Skyla2005
Maybe she would have had younger friends.
Not everyone sticks to friend their own age or family. But then people I know aren’t narrow minded

Just a quick note for those who are questioning why I am a Nanny when I don't like children - strangely it's doesn't really affect it, though presumably I'd actively enjoyed it more if I adored kids.
My job is heavily based around organisation, education, planning lessons/activities and teaching - all things I enjoy.
As I said before, I love the children I look after. I'm very good at my job.

[quote Limejuiceandrum]@Skyla2005
Maybe she would have had younger friends.
Not everyone sticks to friend their own age or family. But then people I know aren’t narrow minded[/quote]
Well she didn't have younger friends. Again I'm telling you what happened to her that is all

Oh and by the way fuck off if you think becoming a mother means you lose your identity

If anything my sense of self, purpose and values have become stronger.

I don’t want to convert women like you into having kids. Do me a favour and don’t convince yourself that having them means you lost your way