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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that being childless will end up being a very lonely choice?

219 replies

PernickitySnicket · 19/09/2021 16:44

I'm 30, very much an introvert and am 99% sure that I don't want children.
I have a handful of very close friends, most of whom I've been friends with since school.
I don't love socialising, so don't meet new people often so I really value the friendships I have.
Recently, we've all reached the age where marriage and babies are on the horizon.
My two closest friends both want children, and that's exciting for them and they will obviously make the best choice for them and their families. I will help them where I can and support them always.

But a squiggly little selfish part of me is really gutted, I've been a Nanny since I was 18 and I've seen how parenthood dramatically changes people, and how people disappear into their children's lives.

AIBU to think that being the only childfree one plus not a confident socialiser means that I'm probably going to end up with even fewer friends than I already have?

Hope I'm not coming across as a prick!

OP posts:
Limejuiceandrum · 19/09/2021 17:03

Most older child free women I know have huge friendship groups are very happy, they also tend to be happier without a dh

PeppermintMocha · 19/09/2021 17:04

It's true in my experience. Difference is that I did want children, but never met a partner. I do like them, and I would like to have been the cool auntie, but it still never worked out that way, not past the first few years (even with my real nieces and nephews, let alone friends' children). They all get involved in their children's lives, schools, etc, and everything becomes centred around their family - days out, holidays, even evenings out, then when the kids are older, they are into their own friends, and family time becomes even more important and no room to include extras. There's just no time for a single friend who isn't part of that. Very lonely.

Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 17:05

* s. I've been to countless baby classes and playgroups and childrens events (as well as living in parent's homes of course) and parents live their entire lives through their children. Nothing else matters, only the kids. It's all they talk of and they have nothing outside of that. Not all, obviously, but the majority.*
OP’s posts: See next | See all

Op you’re at a BABY group. And most won’t know other women or just be acquaintances rather than actual friends.
Unlikely to see political debates

I was very different at 10am at a baby group
As to what I was like enjoying a long lunch with my old friends

NuffSaidSam · 19/09/2021 17:05

'AIBU to think that being the only childfree one plus not a confident socialiser means that I'm probably going to end up with even fewer friends than I already have?'

YANBU I think this is exactly what will happen to one extent or another.

I think the answer is to try and gently, slowly broaden your social circle a bit.

When you get to 30's a lot of people embark on the parenting journey and that is their life for the next 20 years or so. You need something in your life of equal value to you, whether that be travelling or pursuing a hobby or a relationship or charity work or whatever. Things will change though and you need to have something else to go to when they go to parent land.

WoozySnoozy · 19/09/2021 17:07

So what if their identity changes when they become a mum? It would be a bit odd if it didn't change their life.

Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 17:07

@Limejuiceandrum

Most older child free women I know have huge friendship groups are very happy, they also tend to be happier without a dh
The op isn’t an “older” child free women who presumably are surrounded my friends who’s children have become more independent
Signalbox · 19/09/2021 17:09

YANBU

I'm childless and an introvert and you are right that friends tend to disappear from your life once they have children (at the very least they are likely to be less available. If you don't want your life to narrow into loneliness you will have to put some effort into making new friends. It's hard when you are an introvert though.

Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 17:11

@WoozySnoozy

So what if their identity changes when they become a mum? It would be a bit odd if it didn't change their life.
Exactly

Op a I would be careful if I were you.

Your friends WILL change. They will be very very focussed on their babies. You sound as though you think there is something very wrong with that.

And that will mean they will distance themselves from you

littletinyboxes · 19/09/2021 17:12

If you want to remain a big part of your current friends' lives when they have DC you will probably have to accept that there will very probably be times when their world revolves around the children. If you are happy to work around this (especially if they are trying to juggle work and children) in my experience this can make your friendship even stronger. You can be the friend who can pop round to support them when they are feeling overwhelmed, the one who they can talk to about their DC challenges/triumphs without feeling the need to be careful not to offend, the 'cool aunt' to their DC and the one who is still around when their DC don't need them as much. If you get upset when they don't want to (or can't) do all the things they used to do, or prioritise their children's needs over anything you have arranged it will be much harder- no matter how reasonable you are being or unreasonable they are.

ladygracie · 19/09/2021 17:13

I had my children relatively young so none of my friends had children for quite a long time. I had several really good friends who spent time with me and the kids (their dad worked shifts so wasn’t often around at the weekend) and our friendships were even stronger because of it. So that might be an option? I’m now the other way round - my children are adults so when I see my friends I am the fun one who plays with the kids and helps my friends out.
Your friends having babies doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t see them.

Singlevariety · 19/09/2021 17:14

I'm an introvert and I briefly worked as a nanny whist I was studying. To be quite honest working with children did put me off having my own, but then when I got to my late 30ies I realised I did want to have a child.

Indeed, my main focus is DD and I don't hang out with my single, child-free friends. But I just cannot imagine my life without DD, she is my absolute world and I wish I had another one. Sadly secondary infertility and my age means I may never have another one.

Perhaps not working with children for a while may change your perspective? I'm not being cynical.

Kite22 · 19/09/2021 17:15

The op isn’t an “older” child free women who presumably are surrounded my friends who’s children have become more independent

No, but she did ask about how she might end up

trappedsincesundaymorn · 19/09/2021 17:16

@underneaththeash

Why don't you want children?
Why do you want children?
chocolateorangeinhaler · 19/09/2021 17:21

I understand you OP. I never had children and can't now because of cancer treatment. My family is small so once parents go all I'll have is one sibling and DP. I'm terrified about getting old. I've seen how much families have to do to help older relatives when they end up with health problems or even when they don't but need assistance with house maintenance etc. I won't have anyone if DP goes first. Not close to siblings either.
All I do know is that I won't get to that point as I would take matters into my own hands.

Saladcreamormayo · 19/09/2021 17:21

my best friend had her first child many years before I had mine and I must admit I did feel that I'd lost my best friend once her first child was born. before she was fun and we would spend hours chatting about all sorts of things meeting up and going out places but as soon as her first was born all she would talk about was the baby I found it so incredibly boring. she'd tell me about how many nappies she'd changed that day and what washing powder was best for her babies skin it was such a yawn fest . I was happy for her as she was so happy with motherhood but I must admit my old fun friend was gone and she became incredibly boring and definitely lost her own identity. we are still good friends but it has never been the same as it was pre children.

Original poster
PernickitySnicket · 19/09/2021 17:29

I think bizarrely I'll end up seeing a lot more of my friends in the first year as I'm a qualified maternity nurse, I own a Day Nursery too (though not local to my friends) so I wouldn't mind at all being leaned on during the hard graft bit.
But our priorities will definitely see a split and I don't want to be left behind as the childish/selfish one.

I'm not in the best place right now, so am.probably overthinking it.
Fortunately my partner is very emphatic and we're on the same page.

OP posts:
the80sweregreat · 19/09/2021 17:30

Of course people change their minds about having and wanting children ; I just admire the ones who really do stick with it and don't bow to social pressures to have them or get talked into it by their partners or relatives etc.
I admire mums, dads and childless people in equal measure too,,being a parent these days is hard going. It must be easier without them , I know someone who is childless and she has a great life!

TheGrumpyGoat · 19/09/2021 17:35

Of course people change to some extent when they have children… it would be weird if they didn’t.
I don’t think a baby group is the best place for judging a woman’s personality though. When I went to baby groups I usually didn’t know the other people well, so for the most part we talked about babies. It doesn’t mean that’s all I ever talk about!
Anyway I have three young children but one of my very best friends is child free. I don’t talk about babies with her because I know she’s not particularly interested. We still ho to gigs together, go for meals, go drinking etc. All the things we did before I had children.

Original poster
PernickitySnicket · 19/09/2021 17:40

@WoozySnoozy

So what if their identity changes when they become a mum? It would be a bit odd if it didn't change their life.
I think we're thinking of a different kind of change.

I've seen a lot of women who lose their whole identity, and not just in the baby years. I've seen mothers of teens who have given up their hobbies and interests and career to only be a Mum.

Obviously having children means having a different perspective, but I've seen countless women's new perspective being "nothing matters but my child"

OP posts:
TheGrumpyGoat · 19/09/2021 17:43

A nanny is a really odd career choice for someone who doesn’t like kids though! I’m not a huge fan of them (except my own) so I would never choose to work with them!

Bumpsadaisie · 19/09/2021 17:43

"Having children" means a lot of different things.

Yes parents of really small kids do get lost in them often. But they emerge - a reception age child allows more space than a baby or toddler and then more again by the time they are ten.

Early secondary is another difference - and then I guess the nadir of the teens (14-17) another, with yet a further stage as the child leaves home as a young adult.

Parenting seems to me to be quite different at all these stages.

When mine were 0- 7 ish my friends were other mums.

But I have got so much of my own life back now they are 12 and 10.

Limejuiceandrum · 19/09/2021 17:45

@TheGrumpyGoat
Did the op say she didn’t like children. I missed that

Hardbackwriter · 19/09/2021 17:45

I've been to countless baby classes and playgroups and childrens events (as well as living in parent's homes of course) and parents live their entire lives through their children. Nothing else matters, only the kids. It's all they talk of and they have nothing outside of that. Not all, obviously, but the majority.

You're getting a biased perspective here - people are the most 'just mum' they'll ever be at baby groups. That's not what most of those women are like with their actual friends.

And surely the women you work for inherently have lives beyond their children, because why else do they have a nanny? They must either work or do child-free activities.

TheGrumpyGoat · 19/09/2021 17:47

[quote Limejuiceandrum]@TheGrumpyGoat
Did the op say she didn’t like children. I missed that[/quote]
underneaththeash
Why don't you want children?

Because I don't like them

Limejuiceandrum · 19/09/2021 17:50

@TheGrumpyGoat
Ha ok. Fair dos

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