to think that being childless will end up being a very lonely choice?

[PernickitySnicket]

I'm 30, very much an introvert and am 99% sure that I don't want children.
I have a handful of very close friends, most of whom I've been friends with since school.
I don't love socialising, so don't meet new people often so I really value the friendships I have.
Recently, we've all reached the age where marriage and babies are on the horizon.
My two closest friends both want children, and that's exciting for them and they will obviously make the best choice for them and their families. I will help them where I can and support them always.

But a squiggly little selfish part of me is really gutted, I've been a Nanny since I was 18 and I've seen how parenthood dramatically changes people, and how people disappear into their children's lives.

AIBU to think that being the only childfree one plus not a confident socialiser means that I'm probably going to end up with even fewer friends than I already have?

Hope I'm not coming across as a prick!

[quote BungleandGeorge]@Boood why do you lose out on socialising in mixed groups? In my experience child free couples continue to be involved but for some reason many couples don’t like involving singles (actually I do know some of the reasons but they’re not very good ones!)[/quote]
In my experience those kind of gatherings just stop happening. If you try and organise them, one half of each couple will stay at home to look after the kids, and it very quickly morphs into all the women staying home on the same nights. Obviously as a child free woman you’d still be able to tag along when the other women aren’t there, but it’s not much fun. So by default, the only mixed occasions are the ones where the kids are there as well.

Well, you could end up being lonely. But having children is no guarantee that you won't be lonely.

I'm currently a SAHM and I find that very lonely. I've older relatives who put their whole selves into their children, and now they're grown, they are incredibly lonely and quite lost.

OP, I’m childfree, not childless, and life is bliss. I have a strong friendship group online within childfree communities, and zero interest in hanging out with people who chose to be parents.

Fair enough if you're happy but soooo many people have kids. There is no common denominator between them all except they all reproduced.

Their kids could be newborns to grown adults. All completely different and I don't get why you'd rule out potential friends on this basis alone.

It comes across as bitterness, even though I'm sure you didn't intend it that way. Like there's just no common mentality it lifestyle among people who happen to have offspring... like me saying I have no interest in being matters with people without kids- well, that's silly because we might have tons in common

I’m at an age where a lot of my friends have major commitments caring for elderly parents. From what I’ve seen, their lives become way more restricted than people caring for DC. Plus DC grow up, an elderly person needing care will only become frailer as time goes on. I don’t have that issue, I have DC but they are all grown up so my life is my own again. However my two closest friends are now rarely available at weekends as they are caring for their elderly mothers. It’s a shame I can’t see more of them but it’s just how it is. Point being, there will always be life changes that can affect your friendships. Having DC is one, but there are many others.

[quote Limejuiceandrum]@Skyla2005
In your small world maybe.

I know plenty of older women I am friends with that have had fascinating lives and many friends of all ages, not just standard churning out of children so they might not feel lonely later in life.
God your world must be small.[/quote]
My world is just fine thank you.

My dc nanny is practically a third granny to my dc. She hasn't worked for us for a few years now, but is always sending birthday Christmas presents. She retired after we no longer needed her. She worked all of her life for many families.

To us she is fabulous and if she ever needed help we would be there. She speaks to our dc almost every week and asks after them. She also has a similar relationship with a couple of other of her previous families dc, some who are now adults and she's attended their weddings and undoubtedly would our dc if she's still about!

I can only suggest if this seems something you'd like to pursue you go for it. As I said we were open to it and we aren't the only family who have kept our doors open to her. We also send birthday Christmas presents to her and aim to meet up a few times a year. She hasn't any dc but always says she's got plenty of dc interested in her.m which I think is wonderful

You're not selfish to not want kids. Kids might bring joy into your life but they also suck it out of you at the same time.

My DD does not ever wants her own kids but is happy being step-mom to her partners two lovely girls. She gets to care for them and spoil them but knows she's handing them back at the end of the day!

* If you don’t like children but have one there’s every chance of that happening - issues being inflicted that is. *

Disagree. With bells on.

I was totally and utterly… disinterested to the point lf not enjoying children’s company at all

Now, two. Single mum. And they are my world, give me untold joy and I’d have had a mother given half the chance

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones

Are you always so rude?

I think it means you end up making a lot of the effort. It's on you to travel, to listen to (sometimes) boring chat about the baby, to turn up to birthday parties and not mind too much when the child interrupts your conversation.

I think it does level back off when the kids are older. My non expert observation is that it's probably a hard five years but after that it goes back to normal a bit.

@Skyla2005

You have spoken in such definitive terms through out this

“It’s a fact”

It “will be”

All based on your flipping granny!

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones

I love my own children Not that keen on everyone else’s

Sure they are the same
Don’t need to justify your choices me honestly none of us care but I didn’t have children because I liked them
I had children because I wanted to be a mother and raise my own children

I’m just baffled by @DebbieHarrysCheekbones

You start off saying this
And then move on to how the op shouldn’t have children if she doesn’t like them

Or rather you say liking children is irrelevant

[quote Saladovercrispsanyday]@Skyla2005

You have spoken in such definitive terms through out this

“It’s a fact”

It “will be”

All based on your flipping granny![/quote]
Nice. I don't need to resort to insulting people on the internet that says a lot more about you than it does about me

I also agree not particularly relevant

But I don’t see how that supports your view re not having children if you don’t like them

The views you have expressed on here are

Sweeping, naive, blinkered, Ill though out and offensive

And you have spoken as though they are face

You’ve not exactly covered yourself in glory

Fact

Equally, I think being a parent in an all consuming way can leave you very vulnerable to being lonely too.

DH died recently and I have two (just) adult sons. They, quite rightly, are busy enjoying their own lives and I see very little of them. I really don't want to be "that" MIL insisting on my tone with DSs. If I had given up my friendships and interests for them, I'd be very lonely now.

FWIW OP, I'm also very introverted and don't make friends easily, but I do have a number of good friends through an interest I developed in my mid 30s. I didn't set out to "make friends" and indeed would have been terrible at it if I had, but very gradually, over about 10 years, it has given me a circle that has been invaluable in the horrible circumstances I've faced over the last 12 months

You probably do need to recognise you'll need different friends to the ones you have now though

I can only speak for myself and the age I am now. I did very much want children (and marriage) but have found myself single, childless and 37 and the only one in my circle who is unmarried and childless. I still have strong friendships but I often feel on the outside, completely unintentionally by friends, as so much of the chat revolves around babies or school (poo, vomit, sleep, how well school is going etc) and also alot of chat is about husbands and their quirks/habit/schedules. Weddings and anniversaries come up alot too and I'm often the only one who can't contribute to those discussions. I find one to one friendships aren't as bad. I have over the years branched out and made new single childless friends but inevitably they meet someone and settle down too - it's just seemingly me that's never managed to achieve marriage and motherhood. I often find that I'm interrogated at social events as to why I'm not married and don't have children, often by strangers so that can be a bit of a downer too.

Whether we like it or not, we live in a society where being childless and or single, especially for women, is seen as a real deviation from the norm and we can be viewed with suspicion or just gentle curiousity.

It can be lonely. I know a lot of older childless women who also struggled with the grandmother stage when all their friends have been consumed with their grandkids.

You can still have a meaningful life though. And many mothers are also very lonely, just for different reasons.

@TheGrumpyGoat

A nanny is a really odd career choice for someone who doesn’t like kids though! I’m not a huge fan of them (except my own) so I would never choose to work with them!

I agree it's a very strange thing for a nanny to say.

You then imply that although you don't like children, you love the ones you work with - isn't that the same as parenting and how everyone else feels too?!

I think a lot of parents don't like other peoples kids much, but love their own. I know that's how it is for me.

In an ideal world a child should be a choice, not an obligation.

You choose to have kids for their sake not because you want to hedge your bets.

90% of caring for small children is a boring grind. Dont do it unless youre sure.

@Saladovercrispsanyday

Why are you baffled?
I always wanted my OWN children regardless of whether I liked others children. per se

That’s what mattered to me
It’s not remotely baffling
Many many parents will tell you they’re not that fussed about other peoples children.

[quote ilovesooty]@DebbieHarrysCheekbones

Are you always so rude?[/quote]
I’m not rude
You just don’t like what I’ve written

Doesn’t bother me one iota
Move on

@Saladovercrispsanyday

* If you don’t like children but have one there’s every chance of that happening - issues being inflicted that is. *

Disagree. With bells on.

I was totally and utterly… disinterested to the point lf not enjoying children’s company at all

Now, two. Single mum. And they are my world, give me untold joy and I’d have had a mother given half the chance

Yes but did you want your own children?

As I have have clarified for you I can take or leave others but I always wanted to be a mother

It is possible to be ambivalent or even disinterested in other children but still want your own.