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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take my DC to funeral?

211 replies

UndertheCedartree · 16/09/2021 10:45

Very sadly, my cousin's husband died recently.

When I was told the date of the funeral I booked the day off from school for my 9yo DD and my eldest (14) is at college and not in that day, anyway. My DM offered me a lift to the funeral and when I said I was bringing the DC she was surprised/mildly shocked.

I may be completely off the mark here but I thought funerals were family get togethers to celebrate the life of our family member. My DC have previously been to my grandparent's funerals. I remember going to a number of funerals as a child. I have always taken them to the church service and wake but not to the crematorium as that tends to be the very sad bit. I was planning to do the same at this funeral.

Will it be frowned upon if I bring them to the funeral? Will others bring their DC, do you think?

OP posts:
YouveBeenLittUp · 16/09/2021 10:47

Children at funerals have never been the norm in my circles. I didn't attend any until I was about 13/14 and old enough to understand what was happening and make my own choice on it. I don't really know anyone who would take a child to a funeral unless it was someone very close to them or they had no other option.

Sorry for your loss Thanks

IllegibleSquiggles · 16/09/2021 10:47

I’m Irish. To me it’s deeply strange that children are excluded from funerals, but responses on here down the years have made me realise it’s a significant cultural difference. People seem terribly afraid of children witnessing adult tears and bring traumatised, or inadvertently making a noise.

Gensola · 16/09/2021 10:51

I am also from Ireland but the north, it’s totally normal there for children to attend funerals, it doesn’t seem to do them any harm! I myself attended family funerals and funerals of family friends from as far back as I can remember.

Porcupineintherough · 16/09/2021 10:52

It very much depends on the cultural norms of the region tbh. In some cultures everyone turns out for a funeral, including kids. In the uk I think there are a real mishmash of traditions which means it would be normal to bring children in some families, and completely frowned upon in others.

Unless you know that your cousin is in the "no children" camp I think it would be fine to bring them but some may consider it unusual Personally I would only bring mine if they were close to the deceased.

RampantIvy · 16/09/2021 10:53

Ask your children whether they want to go.

My grandmother died when I was 11 and my sister was 10. We didn't go to the funeral as our parents didn't think it was appropriate.

BlueMoons90 · 16/09/2021 10:53

My parents are Irish and always took us to funerals but I don't think that's necessarily the norm everywhere. I would take DS depending on who it is but he's 15. If your DC were close to the deceased I don't see the issue

LIZS · 16/09/2021 10:54

How well did dc know the person? Unless they met regularly and knew them it seems unusual to involve them.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2021 10:55

@IllegibleSquiggles

I’m Irish. To me it’s deeply strange that children are excluded from funerals, but responses on here down the years have made me realise it’s a significant cultural difference. People seem terribly afraid of children witnessing adult tears and bring traumatised, or inadvertently making a noise.
Yeah same here and I agree, it's odd that children aren't involved in funerals
cervixuser · 16/09/2021 10:56

I wouldn't frown on it at all - it's celebrating the life of someone in their family

Yourheartwillleadyouhome · 16/09/2021 10:58

I think it's brilliant to take them, making sure they know what to expect.

StarCat2020 · 16/09/2021 10:59

My son came to my Nan's funeral (not close) when he was 5.

We were in a pub afterwards having a meal my parents, aunty and cousins when he suddenly said "this is really fun, we should do it more often".

Totally ridiculous language for a 5 year old.

In the few times I have seen my cousins or aunty since and we are having a meal someone always says hey DS "this is really fun, we should do it more often".

Bigfathairyones · 16/09/2021 11:00

My 3 have gone to several close family funerals, from about 6 yrs old onwards. My only caveat though is to say that I would never have taken them if I thought they would have been a nuisance at the service. If they would have been, I would have sat out with them and then only attended for the rest of the gathering. In my experience, it's been lovely to have mine and other child relatives at funerals, as it seems to relax the atmosphere somewhat. We still have fond memories of some of the funerals and they turned into some lovely family gatherings that the guest of honour would have really enjoyed - the irony was not lost on us.

SuseB · 16/09/2021 11:01

I have taken my DC to any funeral they have wanted to go to over the years, in the hope of making it a sad, but part of life, type of occasion that they are equipped to handle in later life. Took my 9mo baby to the funeral of my 99 year old neighbour (took her out when she made a noise during the eulogy and watched from the open church door), took my then 5yo to the funeral of her beloved playgroup teacher, took all the DC to the funerals of their great-grandparents (who they knew and loved).

MadeOfStarStuff · 16/09/2021 11:02

Did your DC actually know your cousins husband?

Notaroadrunner · 16/09/2021 11:02

As it's a cousins husband I wouldn't bring my kids as I wouldn't feel they are a close enough relative to have there. My kids wouldn't have met most of my cousins, let alone their husbands/wives. I certainly wouldn't be taking them out of school for it. Grandparents are a different category so it's not unusual to bring grandchildren to their funerals.

Rummikubfan · 16/09/2021 11:04

I can’t think of any reason why you would take your kids unless they were really close to him. It’s a bit random

honeybeesknees · 16/09/2021 11:06

We have always taken our DC to funerals for close family members. The only one we couldn’t was one which was restricted by the rule of 6 early on in covid times, and one DC in particular has really struggled with that death, and I’m assuming the lack of closure, as they often ask when we will be having their ‘party’. Of course take them out if they are being noisy, but as adults, a lot of us would struggle without the closure of a funeral, so why shouldn’t children.

edwinbear · 16/09/2021 11:07

My nephew went to my dad's funeral when he was about 2. He was a much loved grandchild and it would have been very odd (for us) had he not been there. In fact he was a breath of fresh air amongst the grief. My sister's husband was primed to take him out of the service had he started being disruptive (which he wasn't).

My aunt is sadly now at end of life and my DC (12 and 9) will go to her funeral. She's been in a care home for 40 years so there won't be many people there, it's important to us that family attend. DC know it will be a sad day, but I think it's good for them to be involved and understand what happens when someone dies. They are old enough to understand what's expected from them in terms of behaviour. YANBU.

likearoomwithoutaroof · 16/09/2021 11:08

I wouldn't take children to a funeral until they were teens (if they wanted to go) unless it was a direct family member like a grandparent. Even then, I wouldn't take them now (at 5 and 3).

I didn't attend a funeral until I was an adult.

hotasharibo · 16/09/2021 11:09

I would take mine.

Death is a normal part of life and children shouldn't be excluded or it might make the unknown more scary.

Equally if your DC didn't really know the deceased then i probably wouldn't

Geamhradh · 16/09/2021 11:09

@LIZS

How well did dc know the person? Unless they met regularly and knew them it seems unusual to involve them.
This for me too.
DappledThings · 16/09/2021 11:09

Funerals for close family have always included children for me so I was at the funerals of grandparents and other close relatives young. My cousins were 5 and 7 at my gran's and I would have found it very odd for them not to be there.

Cousin's husband wouldn't be a close relative for me though so I would probably go alone, wouldn't expect DH to take a day off for that one but obviously that depends on your family.

Porcupineintherough · 16/09/2021 11:10

With all due respect to some of the posters above, I think treating funerals as an interesting opportunity to normalise death for children to is a bit distasteful. Most people's passing is deeply distressing to someone and their funeral isnt a spectator sport.

Carandi · 16/09/2021 11:10

I personally would only take them if they knew the deceased well and you could be sure the younger one will behave well during the service. It's not a bad thing to take children to funerals if they're capable of being quiet and respectful and have the capacity to understand what's going on. If they didn't know the cousin's husband well then maybe leave the younger one in school and ask your older child to pick them up after?

Doggiedementia · 16/09/2021 11:13

We’re they close to him