AIBU to take my DC to funeral?

[UndertheCedartree]

Very sadly, my cousin's husband died recently.

When I was told the date of the funeral I booked the day off from school for my 9yo DD and my eldest (14) is at college and not in that day, anyway. My DM offered me a lift to the funeral and when I said I was bringing the DC she was surprised/mildly shocked.

I may be completely off the mark here but I thought funerals were family get togethers to celebrate the life of our family member. My DC have previously been to my grandparent's funerals. I remember going to a number of funerals as a child. I have always taken them to the church service and wake but not to the crematorium as that tends to be the very sad bit. I was planning to do the same at this funeral.

Will it be frowned upon if I bring them to the funeral? Will others bring their DC, do you think?

@rainbowmash

All these messages from posters telling us about what their families think funerals ought to be "about"...

Aren't we forgetting something? The wishes of the immediate family of the deceased. If OP senses that they wouldn't mind her children coming along, or would prefer to keep it Family And Adult Friends Only then they get the final word.

Talking about our numerous multicultural experiences isn't going to help OP make this decision.

This 100% It depends on the feelings of your family. Other peoples family norms are of no relevance

In my family it would be a no, in some of the posters families it would be a yes. All the talk of Irish traditions is of very little relevance unless the funeral is infact Irish

I would agree with some of the pro children posters on this, can intellectually agree with that but that doesn't change how my family would feel.

@Murphs1

I think funerals are distressing enough for adults, let alone children.

But upset and distress are sadly part of the tapestry of life. Children are not seperate species and they have to gradually learn that life can be unfair and is ultimately finite.

@mewkins

I have been to many funerals from late teens but not when I was younger. I find funerals really strange as an adult, I think that children would find them quite distressing. My dad died last year and my children were 6 and 10 at the time. They were very very close to him. I asked my eldest if she wanted to go and she said no, it would be too sad. I agreed with her. I don't think funerals are child friendly. Even a lovely personal service just feels very difficult somehow, and removed from the person being celebrated. I also think it's unfair on the close grieving family if you use it as a learning opportunity for your child.

Well death isn't very child friendly either but it doesn't stop it from happening. I find it really strange that people think they can/should shield children from the realities of life as it is, including the pain of loss, the need to mark life's sad events, the need to support one another as a family. This is how resilience and good mental health are built surely, through experience of pain but coming out the other side

I think it depends how close they were to your cousins husband, booking a day off school seems excessive if it's not a very close relative.

Not taking them could mean they don't know how to cope with death when older. There are many adults who don't know how to cope with death, hiding them from it does them no favours. We aren't Irish and the grand children (the older ones) were involved in the ceremony for my grandma. None of us were traumatised. I went to my grandads funeral at 5, again not traumatised.

It doesn't matter what other people think. If you want to take them to let them say goodbye, do so. Other people can be way over protective of their kids.

I think it depends on the relationship the adults have with the deceased. If the adult is extremely upset, I see no benefit in having your child there for a ‘learning experience’. Some children will cope with it, some will be very affected by it. I think it depends on the family dynamic. It’s personal choice, you know your child better than anyone else and your decision will stem from that .The funerals I’ve been too would have been to distressing for my children to attend given their ages at the time. They did go to the wake of a very close relative which was more of a celebration and they were still upset but felt involved and joined in the conversations about the person who had died. For me and my children it was more appropriate than attending the funeral.

@Piggy42 - my cousin has grown-up children but they have little children. This was a thought of mine too, that obviously it would be easier at the wake of they had other DC to play with.

@ithinkilikeit - my personal experience of English funerals are that the church service is sad but also full of lots of heartfelt appreciation of the deceased's life. The cremation is the most sad bit and then the wake tends to be very focused on happy memories of the person.

@Babdoc - I had to attend my 10yo cousin's funeral as a child. It would have been awful if I'd been kept away. But all the children in the family came.

@mewkins

I have been to many funerals from late teens but not when I was younger. I find funerals really strange as an adult, I think that children would find them quite distressing. My dad died last year and my children were 6 and 10 at the time. They were very very close to him. I asked my eldest if she wanted to go and she said no, it would be too sad. I agreed with her. I don't think funerals are child friendly. Even a lovely personal service just feels very difficult somehow, and removed from the person being celebrated. I also think it's unfair on the close grieving family if you use it as a learning opportunity for your child.

I absolutely wouldn't be using the funeral as a 'learning opportunity'. They've been to 2 funerals before and didn't find them distressing so hopefully that would be the case again.

I've messaged one of my second cousins to find out the family's wishes regarding DC at the funeral. If they are ok with them being there I will ask them if they want to come. Thank you for all the advice, all.

The only question that matters, I think, is how it'd be received by the most immediately bereaved.

My cousin went to my grandfather's funeral when she was a raucous 3 year old, but that was because my grandmother was very keen to have her there. Her spirit helped to lift my grandmother's spirits on the day, and was a great comfort to her. But I'd never assume that children - especially young children - were invited, unless specifically told.

Yours aren't toddlers so this isn't directly relevant but I still think you need to be mindful first and foremost of what your cousin would want or need (or not want, or not need). Funerals are a learning experience for children, of course, but their primary role is to be a very significant moment in the grieving process of the bereaved.

I think it's really powerful to include children in funerals, as long as the person organising it hasn't asked people to do otherwise.