AIBU to take my DC to funeral?

[UndertheCedartree]

Very sadly, my cousin's husband died recently.

When I was told the date of the funeral I booked the day off from school for my 9yo DD and my eldest (14) is at college and not in that day, anyway. My DM offered me a lift to the funeral and when I said I was bringing the DC she was surprised/mildly shocked.

I may be completely off the mark here but I thought funerals were family get togethers to celebrate the life of our family member. My DC have previously been to my grandparent's funerals. I remember going to a number of funerals as a child. I have always taken them to the church service and wake but not to the crematorium as that tends to be the very sad bit. I was planning to do the same at this funeral.

Will it be frowned upon if I bring them to the funeral? Will others bring their DC, do you think?

I took my DC 7&2 to my DF funeral. The 2 year old had no idea what was going on but found it interesting and brightened up an otherwise awful occasion.

7 y.o knew what was going on and held my DM hand throughout the service. Yes she found the crying a bit upsetting but she was so proud that she could support her Grandma.

@Porcupineintherough

With all due respect to some of the posters above, I think treating funerals as an interesting opportunity to normalise death for children to is a bit distasteful. Most people's passing is deeply distressing to someone and their funeral isnt a spectator sport.

Distasteful? Of course it isn't, don't be absurd. No one was saying it was a "spectator sport" either. People view funerals as celebrating the deceased persons life as much as mourning their loss

Irish here and it is quite normally for kids to be at close family funerals. However a cousins husband unless they were very close I think it is a bit odd a child out of school for it.

I'm English and agree that it is odd to exclude children from family occasions such as this, especially at 9 and 14.

Funerals may not be suitable for very young children of course, or they may need to be taken outside if they can't keep quiet, but that's very different and not an issue in this case.

@Porcupineintherough

With all due respect to some of the posters above, I think treating funerals as an interesting opportunity to normalise death for children to is a bit distasteful. Most people's passing is deeply distressing to someone and their funeral isnt a spectator sport.

It's not distasteful at all. It's also not spectating. Its learning the cultural norms of death. It's not like you take kids along to the crematorium on a Wednesday morning and attend the funeral of whomever happens to turn up, it's family and close friends, people who have had an impact in one way or another on your existence. It's showing respect and support for the living.

What an odd interpretation you have.

@YouveBeenLittUp - thank you

@IllegibleSquiggles - I always thought a funeral was a good ritual to help with the death of a loved one so I thought it was a good thing for the DC. But as you say cultures vary. I wouldn't want to offend anyone!

I find it strange you booked Time off school for a cousins husbands funeral it seems abit inappropriate how close what they have been totally different for a a close auntie/ uncle or grandparents. I wouldn't have wanted children in those circumstances you described I think its inappropriate.

@AryaStarkWolf it's pretty difficult to celebrate someone's life unless you know them.

My family are of Irish catholic descent and it's normal for us - our family just consider it as something the whole family does; come together to grieve and comfort each other. My boyfriend didn't go to his first funeral until he was 35, but for me, it's all part of life and death.

OP did your children know this your cousin's husband?

[quote Porcupineintherough]@AryaStarkWolf it's pretty difficult to celebrate someone's life unless you know them.[/quote]
The OP isn't asking if she should take her kids to some strangers funeral ........

My DD (14) has SN. Last year she went to both her grandparents funerals within the space of 7 months. Her Dad died last year as well and she point blank refused to go to the funeral. She said she found the "funeral box" and the curtains closing scary.

Do your kids want to go?

I know it's different if it's a parent but I would be guided by what the children want.

When I was younger we weren't taken to funerals as children. I went to my first funeral at 15 when I asked to go to my grandpa's.

I think, as other pps have said it is a cultural thing to a certain extent.

Me and all my cousins went to our gran's funeral. I was around 7 or 8 at the time and I read a poem. I don't remember much from that day, think I cried when I read the poem out loud and I remember going to the wake afterwards. I'm glad i went though

@Porcupineintherough in our case, my dad's passing was obviously deeply distressing for my mum. Having her only grandchild there (my nephew) was a comfort to her. My sister did discuss it with her beforehand. I know my dad would also have been touched that he was there.

@Porcupineintherough

With all due respect to some of the posters above, I think treating funerals as an interesting opportunity to normalise death for children to is a bit distasteful. Most people's passing is deeply distressing to someone and their funeral isnt a spectator sport.

You would not cope in Ireland! The average attendance at a removal (normally the night before the burial) is in the hundreds. In country towns and villages it wouldn't be unusual for a thousand people to file past the coffin. All prior to Covid, obviously. Nowadays it's more normal for people to line the street as the coffin passes. Again, this can be in the hundreds. It's not considered a spectator sport, it's to show respect to the deceased and their family.

I think it very much depends on how close you are to the deceased. Do what feels right to you,

You would not cope in Ireland! The average attendance at a removal (normally the night before the burial) is in the hundreds. In country towns and villages it wouldn't be unusual for a thousand people to file past the coffin. All prior to Covid, obviously. Nowadays it's more normal for people to line the street as the coffin passes. Again, this can be in the hundreds. It's not considered a spectator sport, it's to show respect to the deceased and their family.

Exactly.

If they knew him and want to attend I see absolutely no issue with it. I find it strange that children are excluded from funerals to be honest. I think it's important for them to be given the opportunity to say goodbye if they want too. I feel that a funeral is an important part of the grieving process. Obviously for very young children who may cry or not be able to sit still then that's up to the parents but a 9 and 14 year old should be allowed to attend if it is what they want.

I really dislike funerals and wouldn't go to one unless it was an immediate relative, I wouldn't take my children either - not because I don't think they should know about death, just because funerals are horrible IMO, I definitely don't want one.

@KrisAkabusi I was once at a wake in Ireland where two men started brawling about who it was who'd actually died so yes, there is a huge cultural element. In England though personal relationship with the deceased determines a lot of who attends what.

For my side, no funerals are not a place for kids.

For DP's side, the more the merrier and children "make" a funeral (yep they are Irish). Not sure if this is still the case if it's a particularly tragic death or a child?

Is there anyone close to the person who died, you could check with?

FWIW I went to my nan's funeral at 13 but not my other nan's who died earlier (I was 8)

None of mine came to my mum's funeral. They were 7,5 and 2.

When my father died, my dses were about 3, 5 and 7, and we took them to the funeral - partly because it was a long way from where we lived at the time, and partly because he was their grandfather. My wonderful MIL came with us, and helped dh look after the boys in church (where they behaved very well), and afterwards at the wake. She then took them back to my parents' house and looked after them there whilst the rest of the close family went to the crematorium, for the service there.

When my MIL died, the boys were 20, 18 and 16, and of course they came to the funeral. In fact they carried her into the church, with dh - and I was so proud of them.

I think your children are definitely old enough to go to the funeral, to understand what is going on, and to behave appropriately, and I would see nothing wrong whatsoever with you taking them.

I would allow the 14 year old if needed but probably not the 9 year old.

My grandad died last year (just before lockdown 1 so normal funeral) and my son was just turning 9. No way I was letting him go! My grandad wouldn't want his great-grandchildren remembering the sorrow of that day. We seen him 2 days before he died and that is my children's last memory of him and him being fine at home (his death was sudden).

But of course it's your child and your choice. How close was your children to this person?

How does your cousin feel about you bringing the children along? Assuming your cousins husbands own family there too?

My children don't know my cousins spouses though. I appreciate some families are closer.

I gave my children the choice (8 and 6). The older one came and the younger didn't. If the children want to come I think it's fjne. I took mine to another when tiny too but my husband was there to take out if necessary. On this occasion we were told they were welcome.

It depends if they knew the person well. If it was someone they saw a few times a year then definitely not.

It may come across that you took advantage of the funeral to show them off to wider family members.
Cousins husband does seem a bit distant to me but maybe he was very close to your kids.