AIBU to take my DC to funeral?

[UndertheCedartree]

Very sadly, my cousin's husband died recently.

When I was told the date of the funeral I booked the day off from school for my 9yo DD and my eldest (14) is at college and not in that day, anyway. My DM offered me a lift to the funeral and when I said I was bringing the DC she was surprised/mildly shocked.

I may be completely off the mark here but I thought funerals were family get togethers to celebrate the life of our family member. My DC have previously been to my grandparent's funerals. I remember going to a number of funerals as a child. I have always taken them to the church service and wake but not to the crematorium as that tends to be the very sad bit. I was planning to do the same at this funeral.

Will it be frowned upon if I bring them to the funeral? Will others bring their DC, do you think?

@Lollypop701

Ask your cousin. If they are ok with it then I’d ask the kids. Irish background but I take mine to funerals if they knew the person, and they’ve been fine. they saw grandad in his coffin, their own choice and no pressure as we were in his home with family and friends for a wake. Life ends. My dh is English and he wouldn’t have ever taken them as ‘it’s too sad’ it but now agrees that it’s not too sad or macabre, it’s a goodbye and to support the family left behind. But as everyone has said, cultures vary

I really wouldn't bother the cousin with this at this time in her life, bloody hell.

It’s very normal where I am from for children to attend but usually only for people fairly close to them. Would the deceased person and those close to them want some distant relatives child there? A parents cousins husband sounds like a distant relative unless of course there was a close relationship

@Wakeupin2022

The first funeral I went to with my GP’s was my Great Aunt’s. I was 9 I think, maybe still 8. We saw her maybe once a month, perhaps less.

My Grandad’s best friend died when I was 10 and I went then too. Most of our street went (I lived with my GP’s from age 7). Then at 14 I went to my mother’s funeral. I’m very glad I went to the others before having to do that.

Just explain to DCs what happens and ask them if they want to go, it should be their decision at their ages.

Very different culture. I think most Irish children would have been to a fair few funerals by 18, outside of family, and certainly in secondary if a parent of a school student died generally a lot of the students in the year would go to the church part of funeral

The first funeral I went to was my dad's at 11. Not really knowing in advance what waa involved did not help. (Plus having to leave halfway through my secondary induction day to go was another turbulence to deal with that dredged up a lot over the next few months, as any reference to it automatically triggered fresh memories of my dad being burried)

I hadn't been allowed to my grandmother's when I was 5. I was old enough to be aware that the rest of my family was going without me and old enough to behave in contexts like school assembly. I think that was a mistake.

Death is a part of life and I've never shied away from that with my DCs. They haven't had cause to go to one since the toddler years although they have been to a memorial for a great-great uncle, but if it's family that's close enough for me to go, they would accompany me.

9 and 14 is plenty old enough to go, behave and understand appropriately.

I’m Irish and was at funerals as young as a baby. It would depend however on how well they knew him and your cousin—if they don’t spend a lot of time together it wouldn’t be necessary to attend, unless they wanted to.

I'd only take my children to funeral of a very close relative....grandparents...aunts/ uncles
Once the reach say 16/17 I'd probably let them decide

I disagree. This can be done subtly and sensitively, respecting both the deceased and those grieving close family members. I very much doubt most people would put on any kind of performance parenting during a funeral “Look Tarquin, here comes the coffin, those are the mourners in black. Don’t they look sad, darling?” Maybe I’m wrong…

DC1 went to his first funeral at 3yrs. DC2 was the same age 2yrs later. Both close family members who they knew and saw several times a week. I never gave it a second thought. I would add that neither of them ever had anxiety about death or dying whereas I remember I did until I was a teenager.

(Irish) I think I’d been to maybe…20? Funerals by the time I was 18. Uncle, grandma, friend’s parent, friend’s grandparent (x5), kid from neighbourhood, distant cousins (x2), cousin’s grandma, friend’s parent (x3), former teacher, well know local person, I know I’ve forgotten a few…

Death is a part of life, stopping children from grieving property doesn’t stop them being impacted by death, it just makes it more confusing. I find the attitude of sweeping death under the carpet deeply strange

Having dealt with this culture clash, I'd ask the next of kin - so your cousin I'd guess - or if they're not available, someone a bit closer to your cousin on what their thoughts are on your children attending.

The community I grew up in, everyone went including children. I never thought about that. In my spouse's family, there have been some that think spouses coming, especially wives, is unusual. There was a range of opinions on children and even teenagers attending so we learned to ask whoever is closest to the person who died that we could talk to and then after that ask our children if they wanted to attend. I didn't understand the choices sometimes, but I found that worked well for us in helping us understand what was actually thought vs what was my MIL's ideas on how funerals should be (being the family member we spoke with most and had many opinion on that).

For me, it depends on how close the person who died was to the family. When my DGF died, I did not hesitate to bring my newborn and 2-year-old to the funeral. A number of relatives commented that having them there was «beautiful and life affirming», and my mum only got through the service by holding my DD close against her. (She thanked me afterwards for letting her do that… and DD definitely wasn’t scarred by it).

However, for my SIL’s mother’s funeral, I got a babysitter and attended alone with my DH.

To your question, OP, I think the best course of action if you're really unsure is: Ask someone else who is close to your cousin/familiar with how the funeral is being planned and see what they think. I wouldn't bother your cousin with this, but maybe try to find someone who is more closely involved with the proceedings than you are. There is also the separate issue of "does this rise to the level of taking my child out of school," which is something only you can answer. Your instinct seems to be that yes, it was, so I'd say go with your gut.

I'm American (married to an English man who now lives here in the US) and for me, too, it has been very surprising to learn about some British attitudes toward children at funerals. Not that it's wrongobviously every culture gets to make its own rulesbut very, very different. I have attended funerals from before I am able to remember (so a very young age) and I would never expect anyone to leave a child of any age at home in order to attend a funeral. Of course, I would expect them to take the child out of any proceedings if they became disruptive.

In my circles, childrenespecially little onesare very welcome at funerals because they bring some levity and happiness to an otherwise sad situation. It's also a sign of respect to the family--if my family were invited around to someone's house for a holiday gathering, and I didn't bring my children, I think it would be perceived as a little odd.

Culturally, though, we are as a people liable to turn up at just about anybody's funeral. Did we work together more than five years ago, but we are still friends on social media and I just found out your dad died? OF COURSE I will show up for the wake. Not long ago, our entire office basically closed so we could all drive several hours away to our colleague's father's funeral. Obviously we had never met the deceased, but we knew his son (our coworker), so why would we not go? It's just a way to show the surviving family that there are lots of people in the community thinking of them at a hard time. I literally would not be able to count the number of funerals/death rituals I have attended.

My husband and I are currently engaged in this discussion because we have a funeral to attend in the coming weeks. I assumed our 3 year-old was coming, he assumed our 3 year-old was staying home. So we will see how it plays out!

My DP's DGD was 6 when she attended his funeral last year.

She was fine, and behaved impeccably.

I don't think there's anything wrong with children at a funeral but I wouldn't keep a child off school to attend a cousins, husbands funeral - unless your child knew them very well?

I think if they didn't know him , i.e. only met him once or twice maybe not, but if they knew him they should go. I went to funerals as a child, my Grandad's when I was 7. Me and my sister held my grandma's hands when she walked down the aisle behind the coffin. I think it helped her a bit. We didn't go to the burial, just the service and wake.
When FIL died all grandchildren were there, ranging from 2 years old to early 20's. Children should be allowed to attend these events to say their own goodbyes.

We are all English. There's obviously a range of views within England. When my Aunty died none of her grandchildren were allowed to attend, and I was quite shocked the older ones weren't there (other two between 1 and 2 so that was understandable).

@LIZS - they knew him well - met at all family occasions and would go over sometimes too. I mean we didn't meet up with them all the time but enough for them to know him pretty well.

@cervixuser - yes, that's the way I see it. My cousin has described the church service as a celebration of her husband's life.

@StarCat2020 - aww, how sweet. I have to say at my grandparent's funeral when the DC were much younger people seemed to like them being there as they provided a bit of light relief.

@Bigfathairyones - yes that was my experience too re: the atmosphere. I agree about making sure the DC wouldn't disturb the service. At my grandparent's funerals my ex- DH was there so he would have taken them out if necessary, although he didn't need to.

It's normal where I am for children to attend

I'd been to over a dozen funerals before I'd gone to secondary school. I'm not scarred by it; after all, death is a part of life. You should take them!

Irish Mum/British Jewish Dad. Brought up in UK. Never went to funerals as a child. But that may have been because we were effectively ostracised by both families (with notable exceptions) because it was a "mixed marriage "