AIBU to take my DC to funeral?

[UndertheCedartree]

Very sadly, my cousin's husband died recently.

When I was told the date of the funeral I booked the day off from school for my 9yo DD and my eldest (14) is at college and not in that day, anyway. My DM offered me a lift to the funeral and when I said I was bringing the DC she was surprised/mildly shocked.

I may be completely off the mark here but I thought funerals were family get togethers to celebrate the life of our family member. My DC have previously been to my grandparent's funerals. I remember going to a number of funerals as a child. I have always taken them to the church service and wake but not to the crematorium as that tends to be the very sad bit. I was planning to do the same at this funeral.

Will it be frowned upon if I bring them to the funeral? Will others bring their DC, do you think?

@Muchasgracias

I disagree. This can be done subtly and sensitively, respecting both the deceased and those grieving close family members. I very much doubt most people would put on any kind of performance parenting during a funeral “Look Tarquin, here comes the coffin, those are the mourners in black. Don’t they look sad, darling?” Maybe I’m wrong…

Quite.

@JacquelynScieszka

The cultural difference between Ireland and England on this issue fascinates me. Growing up in Ireland I went to plenty of funerals of complete strangers (as well as family members etc). Because sometimes you would go along to Sunday Mass and it would just happen to be a funeral Mass. Plenty of children at those as well who didn't realise they'd be attending a funeral until they got to the church.

I can understand English people taking a different approach but the sheer scale of the difference always surprises me.

I'm thinking I must have some Irish blood in me!!

I’d find it hard to justify taking a child out of school for the funeral if somebody they didn’t know well - I’d go on my own (probably without DH too, unless he knew them well himself).

If it was not a school day, or if it was somebody the child themselves was close to, I’d bring them regardless of age.

In my extended family the DC have always been asked if they want to go. If they want to, then they go.

Grief is a normal part of human existence and children shouldn't be excluded from observing the rituals that go with death.

@BiBabbles - that makes sense, thank you.

@HyacinthsHydrangeas - yes, thank you - I've asked one of my second cousins. There certainly seem to be many cultural differences. I'm English by the way. I have attended many funerals when I wasn't very close with the deceased - when a friend's father died when we were very early twenties we all went to support her. I have been to funerals of more distant relatives to show my respect and support to the family. Family and friends are very important to me. Although, I'm sure they are to most people - we just have different ways of showing our love and respect.

@Changechangychange

I’d find it hard to justify taking a child out of school for the funeral if somebody they didn’t know well - I’d go on my own (probably without DH too, unless he knew them well himself).

If it was not a school day, or if it was somebody the child themselves was close to, I’d bring them regardless of age.

The thing is it is so subjective. Do they know him well enough to justify a day off school. I mean my first instinct was yes but now I'm not so sure! School had no problem with it. The lead pastoral care teacher phoned me to offer her sympathies and talk it through.

All these messages from posters telling us about what their families think funerals ought to be "about"...

Aren't we forgetting something? The wishes of the immediate family of the deceased. If OP senses that they wouldn't mind her children coming along, or would prefer to keep it Family And Adult Friends Only then they get the final word.

Talking about our numerous multicultural experiences isn't going to help OP make this decision.

@Marmite27

We’re currently debating this. The family of the deceased is Irish and there’s an expectation the children (6 & just 4) will attend. The other side of the family tends to wait until into teens for children to attend.

It must be a consideration because the funeral directors phoned to say they have isofix in their cars for the kids car seats.

Yes, mine were in car seats in the funeral cars for their great-grandparents.

@rainbowmash

All these messages from posters telling us about what their families think funerals ought to be "about"...

Aren't we forgetting something? The wishes of the immediate family of the deceased. If OP senses that they wouldn't mind her children coming along, or would prefer to keep it Family And Adult Friends Only then they get the final word.

Talking about our numerous multicultural experiences isn't going to help OP make this decision.

To be fair many posters have said it is best to check with the immediate family. I've sent a message to one of my second cousins.

I’m not Irish but do find the way in which children in England are excluded from essential parts of life -weddings, funerals etc- bizarrely unhealthy. Ive lived in many countries and it does seem to be a peculiarly English thing to treat children like a different species who must be protected from reality and whose very presence is offensive to adults.

@Shewholovedthethebanhills

I’m not Irish but do find the way in which children in England are excluded from essential parts of life -weddings, funerals etc- bizarrely unhealthy. Ive lived in many countries and it does seem to be a peculiarly English thing to treat children like a different species who must be protected from reality and whose very presence is offensive to adults.

Totally agree.

@rainbowmash

All these messages from posters telling us about what their families think funerals ought to be "about"...

Aren't we forgetting something? The wishes of the immediate family of the deceased. If OP senses that they wouldn't mind her children coming along, or would prefer to keep it Family And Adult Friends Only then they get the final word.

Talking about our numerous multicultural experiences isn't going to help OP make this decision.

To be honest, I doubt that the immediate family are really going to care that much whether a couple of kids turn up or not. As long as the children are not disruptive - and I'm sure that the OP wouldn't take them if that were the case - then the bereaved family's focus is going to be on saying goodbye to their loved one. Everything else is secondary.

If the children want to go then let them go, they're old enough to explain what a funeral is etc.
I never understand why people feel they need to protect younger people from death, they are not stupid and know what goes on. My parents have always been open and honest with us. Roman Catholic upbringing with irish heritage so I don't know if that's got something to do with it.
When my grandad died, we were open and honest with my niece who was 6, saying that great Grandad was old and poorly. Then told her when he died. This was to stop her imagining all sorts. We then explained what a funeral was, she didn't come to the service as she was at school but came to the wake and has been to many church services to know that there are different services depending on the occasions.
My first funeral was my great grandmother at the age of 13. I was very close to her and took part in the ceremony. My younger cousin attended also.
I have found because my family had been open with us that I have a healthy approach when it comes to death. My friends of similar age who's parents didn't have that approach definitely don't have a similar outlook and would never discuss it.

I think funerals are distressing enough for adults, let alone children.

It very much depends on the circumstances - not every funeral is distressing for everyone.

I think it depends on the relationship they had with the deceased. If they were quite close, yes if not, no.

Does your cousin have children? Would they appreciate your children being there? If they’re young, it may make it easier for them?

I come from a completely different culture and children go to funerals because our funerals are not sad, people do not cry, they eat and sing and it is generally a very happy event so nothing distressing about it at all. I know English funerals are different though.

All the PPs who think children shouldn’t attend funerals - what about when it IS a child’s funeral?
Should their friends, siblings and classmates be denied the chance to say goodbye, pay respects, celebrate their life, grieve together and pray for the deceased?
My village lost an 8 year old to cancer some years ago, and the funeral was an amazing child filled and centred occasion.
Excluding children from funerals denies them closure. They are human beings with feelings, just as much as adults are.

I would take them. There is nothing in a funeral that can harm them and it shows that as a family you care for and respect your cousin and her family.

We had the opposite dilemma when I was a child. My family are Irish and so it's the norm for everyone including kids to turn up for all funerals. My mum moved to the UK and vigorously rejected all Irish customs and culture so didn't attend many funerals herself and never took us children along. I can vividly remember the feeling of exclusion that not attending the funerals of family members gave me and it certainly hurt some feelings along the way. When I grew up and had my own D.C. I reverted to the Irish way which seems much healthier and more respectful.

If they wanted to go I would take them, it's an important part of the cycle of life and should be treated as a normal thing. I don't think shielding children from death, funerals and sadness is helpful in the long term.

Having the choice is really important to the grieving process.

Maybe it depends on where you live.
My children went to family funerals from they were no age. In N I we have the wake first and I remember a very young dd carrying plates of sandwiches round. Both kids accepted death and it didn't faze them.
In her late teen a grandparent of dd's friend died and she went to her friends and helped do the tea and was able to advise on the way things were done as they had not had a bereavement before.
As long as the children knew the person and can cope with it of course you would have them. I would find it strange them not there.

I have been to many funerals from late teens but not when I was younger. I find funerals really strange as an adult, I think that children would find them quite distressing. My dad died last year and my children were 6 and 10 at the time. They were very very close to him. I asked my eldest if she wanted to go and she said no, it would be too sad. I agreed with her. I don't think funerals are child friendly. Even a lovely personal service just feels very difficult somehow, and removed from the person being celebrated. I also think it's unfair on the close grieving family if you use it as a learning opportunity for your child.

My DC had the choice at 9 when a grandparent died. They were adamant they were going. So did

@Murphs1

I think funerals are distressing enough for adults, let alone children.

That's to an extent because many people in the UK only go to the funerals of close relatives, so that it's not unusual, for instance, for your first funeral to be after the death of someone very close to you, perhaps a parent so you're dealing with intense grief and have little or no idea what goes on at, say, a C of E funeral service/burial, or crematorium, so are worried about that too. I was taken aback at how stressed and frightened people were often on here asking about how to behave at a funeral service, or what to wear, or how not to cry etc until I realised that a funeral is an unusual event for many people here.

In cultures where funeral-going is far more usual, children will have been going to funerals since they were quite young, and their first experiences of them will be of neighbours they didn't know well, or more distant relatives -- so they aren't scared or stressed by funeral customs etc, or seeing adults crying, and are hence better equipped when they are actually faced with the funeral of a loved one. It's less strange territory.