AIBU to take my DC to funeral?

[UndertheCedartree]

Very sadly, my cousin's husband died recently.

When I was told the date of the funeral I booked the day off from school for my 9yo DD and my eldest (14) is at college and not in that day, anyway. My DM offered me a lift to the funeral and when I said I was bringing the DC she was surprised/mildly shocked.

I may be completely off the mark here but I thought funerals were family get togethers to celebrate the life of our family member. My DC have previously been to my grandparent's funerals. I remember going to a number of funerals as a child. I have always taken them to the church service and wake but not to the crematorium as that tends to be the very sad bit. I was planning to do the same at this funeral.

Will it be frowned upon if I bring them to the funeral? Will others bring their DC, do you think?

I’d ask them if they want to go but I think it’s normal for children to go to funerals. We went to my grandfather’s funeral when I was about 8 years old and my DSis must have been about 5.

At 9 and 14 they’re definitely old enough to go to a funeral.

I think it’s a thing that should be normalised as part of life - people die and it’s horribly sad so we go to funerals to commemorate their life and to support their closer family and friends.

I find the sheer reluctance to include children very odd, and doesn’t often do the children any favours if the first funeral they ever face ends up being a very, very close relative.

I have to say this thread has been pretty eye opening for me, I hadn't realised how different the attitudes towards funerals were between Ireland and Britain

@Bigfathairyones

My 3 have gone to several close family funerals, from about 6 yrs old onwards. My only caveat though is to say that I would never have taken them if I thought they would have been a nuisance at the service. If they would have been, I would have sat out with them and then only attended for the rest of the gathering. In my experience, it's been lovely to have mine and other child relatives at funerals, as it seems to relax the atmosphere somewhat. We still have fond memories of some of the funerals and they turned into some lovely family gatherings that the guest of honour would have really enjoyed - the irony was not lost on us.

I agree completely with this. We have done the same with the DC.

On one occasion my intention was to sit at the back close to the door with toddler DC and leave quickly if there was a hint of fidgeting. When we got there the entrance / exit was right at the front and I wasn't prepared to risk disturbing others.

DC and I sat in the gardens instead. I talked about the family member, told some funny stories, and then we joined everyone else once the service was over. It was enough to be close.

@JustLyra

At 9 and 14 they’re definitely old enough to go to a funeral.

I think it’s a thing that should be normalised as part of life - people die and it’s horribly sad so we go to funerals to commemorate their life and to support their closer family and friends.

I find the sheer reluctance to include children very odd, and doesn’t often do the children any favours if the first funeral they ever face ends up being a very, very close relative.

And this ^ is exactly what I meant. The primary purposes of funerals is not^ to do the children of distant relations the "favour" of getting to play at grief.

If they had a relationship with the deceased it’s good for them to go to be able to say goodbye. Funerals are important for children too.

Not that that is what I think the OP was suggesting. I think I'll hide this thread now, it's obviously touched a nerve. Sorry.

I think it depends on the ages and understanding of the children and how close they are to the deceased/the deceased's immediate family. Will they be the only kids at the function afterwards do you know?

I agree that it depends enormously on how well the child knew the deceased, as well as age and practical issues.

So, under about 2 or 3, fine to take a child if you or someone can take them out if noisy, fine to not take them if there is someone available to look after them. I took my eldest to my uncle's funeral when she was about 1, and like others have found, a littlie can be a positive in that setting.

Then, up to at least 6 or 7, I'd probably not take unless for someone they were very close to. And if it is a close family member involved in regular care then I think it is important that they are involved with age appropriate explanations and support.

From 7+ I think a child can be given a choice sometimes. When my daughter was 7 or 8 the mother of a close friend died unexpectedly; we didn't think it was helpful to take her to the funeral and I think only one of their classmates went. We'd aimed to support in other ways and that felt about right.

Teenagers should always be given the option to attend a funeral if they want to go, I think. And if it is practical - my teenagers couldn't attend their grandma's funeral last year (overseas). But, we took a copy of the order of the service to our own church and made our own memorial there (thank goodness it was just before lockdown closed the churches).

By the way, when a memorial service is being held rather than (or in addition to) an actual funeral, I think taking children is definitely appropriate if they are old enough to follow a service even a little.

I think it's fine to take older children. It's just part of life..

And this is exactly what I meant. The primary purposes of funerals is not to do the children of distant relations the "favour" of getting to play at grief.

It’s not playing at grief at all. That suggests that every single funeral should be equally upsetting for every single person - which is just silly.

Going to a funeral and being sad at the loss of a cousin or an uncle is vastly different to the loss of a parent or sibling. It doesn’t mean the sadness is fake or a game.

Gosh the cultural norms really vary don't they? I'm Irish too and my youngest saw her first corpse at 5 years of age at the removal of a woman who worked in the local shop but had been to a few funeral masses before that. Didn't knock a feather out of her.

9yrs is too young for me.

@starrynight87

9yrs is too young for me.

I have a just 10 year old and she's been to loads of funerals, in fact a classmates parent died and the children did a guard of honour. You might as well say 9 is too young to, I don't know, eat out or give presents or be told about political events in the world. Death is all around us and is simply part of life. As soon as a child is old enough not to disturb other people, they are old enough to attend a funeral as far as I'd be concerned.

Funerals are valuable for children for the same reasons they are for adults. I would always lean towards taking, at any age. Of course you need to have solution for noise/behaviour if they are young. 9 is definitely old enough. And I also agree with those posters saying it is important for kids to understand and normalise death.

However, it isn’t clear in this case whether your kids have a relationship with the person who has died. If not then I don’t think they should go “along for the ride” as it were.

@theleafandnotthetree

Gosh the cultural norms really vary don't they? I'm Irish too and my youngest saw her first corpse at 5 years of age at the removal of a woman who worked in the local shop but had been to a few funeral masses before that. Didn't knock a feather out of her.

Yeah, I think another poster said it best to do with how we view funerals in Ireland, it's not viewed as "spectating" but rather a mark of respect to show up both to the deceased and their very close family

@AryaStarkWolf That was the same as how I was brought up by Scottish grandparents.
My Grandad worked in a huge factory and it was very common for him to be in a suit and tie going to the funeral of a partner or parent of one of the other staff. Even when he didn’t know the deceased he went as a mark of respect to the person he did know.

My mum banned me from taking DD to my grandma’s funeral. DD was very distraught about that. I vowed it was the last time I would acquiesce to her.

Irish here, from our perspective it’s not just about the deceased and if you knew them well, it’s about those still living. You go to the funeral to show support for the living family, to let them know they are not alone. We also usually have a mass about a month later called The Months Mind, for those who had been unable to attend the funeral and to show support for the still grieving family, that they haven’t been forgotten and are not alone. Bringing children is part of being surrounded by family and friends. But this is definitely a very different experience to UK funerals, especially with how long it can take for the funeral to happen. Here it’s about 3 days, not weeks.

[quote JustLyra]@AryaStarkWolf That was the same as how I was brought up by Scottish grandparents.
My Grandad worked in a huge factory and it was very common for him to be in a suit and tie going to the funeral of a partner or parent of one of the other staff. Even when he didn’t know the deceased he went as a mark of respect to the person he did know.[/quote]
Yeah absolutely the same here

@JustLyra

And this is exactly what I meant. The primary purposes of funerals is not to do the children of distant relations the "favour" of getting to play at grief.

It’s not playing at grief at all. That suggests that every single funeral should be equally upsetting for every single person - which is just silly.

Going to a funeral and being sad at the loss of a cousin or an uncle is vastly different to the loss of a parent or sibling. It doesn’t mean the sadness is fake or a game.

Spot on. We don't just go to funerals because we were very close to the deceased. It's a mark of respect and a way of giving support to the bereaved and helping them through a very difficult time.

Also, for families who are very far-flung, it may be a rare chance to get together and for younger family members to meet more distant relatives. This is certainly how things have worked in my family in recent years.

Funerals in general, yes, no problem, grandparents, aunties or uncles of the child, or people they had a genuine close relationship with. However unless they were very close, I think their parents cousin's husband is a bit too far removed to take them out of school for. How well did they know the deceased?

@Carandi

I personally would only take them if they knew the deceased well and you could be sure the younger one will behave well during the service. It's not a bad thing to take children to funerals if they're capable of being quiet and respectful and have the capacity to understand what's going on. If they didn't know the cousin's husband well then maybe leave the younger one in school and ask your older child to pick them up after?

I completely agree with you.

@JustLyra

At 9 and 14 they’re definitely old enough to go to a funeral.

I think it’s a thing that should be normalised as part of life - people die and it’s horribly sad so we go to funerals to commemorate their life and to support their closer family and friends.

I find the sheer reluctance to include children very odd, and doesn’t often do the children any favours if the first funeral they ever face ends up being a very, very close relative.

The funeral is not for somebody to give their children the chance to practice at being at a funeral. The first funeral I went to was my mother’s. I don’t think I would have benefited on the day had I gone to a few funerals when I was a child.

One of my parents is Irish and the other lived in Ireland since a young teenager, but they both thought funerals were not for children. I don’t fully agree with that, but I would be surprised to see children attend the funerals of people that were not particularly close to them.

The funeral is not for somebody to give their children the chance to practice at being at a funeral.

You’d have a point if that’s what I said, but it’s not.

It’s a simple acknowledgment that funerals are not all as upsetting as each other. As I said already, the funeral of a cousin or uncle is very different to the funeral of a parent or sibling.

The first funeral I went to was my mother’s. I don’t think I would have benefited on the day had I gone to a few funerals when I was a child.

I completely disagree.

I was definitely much more able to deal with my mother’s funeral at 14 because I’d been to two funerals previously.