AIBU to take my DC to funeral?

[UndertheCedartree]

Very sadly, my cousin's husband died recently.

When I was told the date of the funeral I booked the day off from school for my 9yo DD and my eldest (14) is at college and not in that day, anyway. My DM offered me a lift to the funeral and when I said I was bringing the DC she was surprised/mildly shocked.

I may be completely off the mark here but I thought funerals were family get togethers to celebrate the life of our family member. My DC have previously been to my grandparent's funerals. I remember going to a number of funerals as a child. I have always taken them to the church service and wake but not to the crematorium as that tends to be the very sad bit. I was planning to do the same at this funeral.

Will it be frowned upon if I bring them to the funeral? Will others bring their DC, do you think?

I don't generally find funerals horrible. They are very sad occasions, of course, but in some cases, they can also be very uplifting - a real celebration of someone's life and a chance to reflect on the things that are most important in your own.

Of course, it's very different when the deceased person is young and has passed away without having had the opportunity to live a long and full life - I have sadly been to several of those and they are heartbreaking, but nevertheless a valuable and important opportunity for people to come together to process their loss. And still strangely life affirming in my experience, even in those incredibly difficult circumstances.

If your experience of funerals is horrible, then I guess I understand why you might feel the need to protect your children from that. I have never really experienced them in that way, and so I would not consider it damaging to my dd.

@Penistoe

So their first cousin in law once removed? No I wouldn’t take a child in this case, unless it was common in your family- which you wouldn’t be asking this Aibu if that was the case.

As I said it has always been normal in our family. He was like an uncle to them. They knew him well.

@AlexaShutUp

I don't generally find funerals horrible. They are very sad occasions, of course, but in some cases, they can also be very uplifting - a real celebration of someone's life and a chance to reflect on the things that are most important in your own.

Of course, it's very different when the deceased person is young and has passed away without having had the opportunity to live a long and full life - I have sadly been to several of those and they are heartbreaking, but nevertheless a valuable and important opportunity for people to come together to process their loss. And still strangely life affirming in my experience, even in those incredibly difficult circumstances.

If your experience of funerals is horrible, then I guess I understand why you might feel the need to protect your children from that. I have never really experienced them in that way, and so I would not consider it damaging to my dd.

I feel that way too. I have never experienced funerals as horrible. Even my 10yo cousin's funeral. Of course it was so sad but we really made it a celebration of his life.

I don’t think it’s necessary. Why put them through unnecessary upset at that age?

I've only seen children at funerals who are at least 9 or 10 and when its been a family member whom they were close to - a grandparent, aunt, uncle etc.

I think it would be quite unusual for children to go generally though. My own younger cousins did not attend my grandparents funerals and they were early teens.

@JustLyra

At 9 and 14 they’re definitely old enough to go to a funeral.

I think it’s a thing that should be normalised as part of life - people die and it’s horribly sad so we go to funerals to commemorate their life and to support their closer family and friends.

I find the sheer reluctance to include children very odd, and doesn’t often do the children any favours if the first funeral they ever face ends up being a very, very close relative.

I agree with this.

I think many people struggle with funerals these days, and a lot of this is because we are becoming insulated from death.

My youngest attended his first funeral at the age of 7. We talked about it in advance, and he understood. We mourned my aunt then afterwards celebrated her life.

And in my family, I'm close to a number of cousins, so are my kids. It's not unusual. Maybe my family are odd, but children do attend funerals with us.

@BobMortimersPetOwl

Children aren't welcomed at funerals in my family or close circle, unless they were very close to the deceased, as in a sibling or child. I'd probably get the opinion of the chief mourners and go with that.

I can't stand when parents claim their children provided some light review at a funeral. It most certainly isn't the case at any funerals I've been to. Similarly I dislike the notion of it being a learning event. Nobody needs to learn how to behave at a funeral or how to mourn.

My grandmother commented that the DC provided some light relief at my grandfather's funeral as did other members of the family. I have certainly felt it myself at funerals.

@Eilatan2018

I don’t think it’s necessary. Why put them through unnecessary upset at that age?

That makes no sense to me at all. If they know that the person has died, then surely they will be upset anyway? The funeral is supposed to help with the grieving process, not make it worse.

It isn't really necessary for any of us to go to funerals, is it? So why do any of us put ourselves through them if they're so awful? Personally, I think it's the death that is upsetting rather than the funeral per se.

I don’t think it’s strange to take children to a funeral at all
My youngest went to my fathers funeral this year at the age of ten . She was already upset and saw me upset anyway so I’m not sure it would have made her worse.
She didn’t go to her other grandads though as she was only about 4 , my SIL took her slightly younger children though and they were fine . my mum brought her to the wake after and she still talks about grandads party . ( to the point where she was confused as to why my dad didn’t get a party but COVID times meant no wake )
Honestly you know your own children and how close they were ,so whatever you feel is best is exactly that

Took mine to their great grandparents when they were two ... didn’t even think it wouldn’t be appropriate. Took them out the chapel into the graveyard when they got restless ... I wouldn’t have let them disturb anything.

She was already upset and saw me upset anyway so I’m not sure it would have made her worse.

Exactly. Staying away from the funeral doesn't prevent a child from experiencing loss. It just denies them the opportunity to participate in a collective opportunity to process that loss.

Why shouldn't children be a funeral , death is part of life.

@Lovelydovey

How close were they to the deceased? Mine came to their grandparents funerals but not to great aunts and uncles or to family friends they were not close to. I’d let that drive attendance.

I think perhaps it is the make up of our family. He was like an uncle to the DC. They are also close to some great aunts and uncles.

@Crazycrazylady

It depends if they knew the person well. If it was someone they saw a few times a year then definitely not. It may come across that you took advantage of the funeral to show them off to wider family members. Cousins husband does seem a bit distant to me but maybe he was very close to your kids.

They knew him reasonably well. I certainly don't need to show my DC off to the family - they've all seen them, plenty!

My DC have been to funerals since they were 3 and 5. Scottish

@Rummikubfan - fair enough

@Eilatan2018

I don’t think it’s necessary. Why put them through unnecessary upset at that age?

I don't really see it as something upsetting for them. I suppose I would think why prevent them from celebrating their family member? They weren't upset at previous funerals.

I think it should be a personal choice as long as the widow is fine with it.
I took my dd (aged 4) to my fathers funeral. Huge family fall out about it and fathers family never spoke to me again. Fuck them. It was the right thing to do, agreed with his wife.

@DeepaBeesKit

I've only seen children at funerals who are at least 9 or 10 and when its been a family member whom they were close to - a grandparent, aunt, uncle etc.

I think it would be quite unusual for children to go generally though. My own younger cousins did not attend my grandparents funerals and they were early teens.

It just goes to show how different we all are I guess! I find it strange that a teenager did not want to attend their grandparents funeral. I would have been devestated to not be there.

@Frigginintheriggin

I think it should be a personal choice as long as the widow is fine with it. I took my dd (aged 4) to my fathers funeral. Huge family fall out about it and fathers family never spoke to me again. Fuck them. It was the right thing to do, agreed with his wife.

I'm so sorry to hear that - how awful. It was her grandfather and they thought she shouldn't be there? It definitely makes sense to check with my cousin as to her wishes, thank you.

@theleafandnotthetree - I've asked my second cousin.

Yes, I agree, OP. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to miss the funeral of a family member when I was a teen, and neither would my dd.

As it happens, I was denied the opportunity to attend the funeral of my grandmother when I was 9. My family weren't opposed to children attending funerals in general, and we had attended others previously, but the decision was made on that particular occasion to keep my dsis and me out of it. I understand that my grandmother's death was premature and unexpected, and that my mum was too distressed at the time to think about it properly, but I am still holding on to a lot of resentment about the fact that I was never given the opportunity to say goodbye to my beloved grandmother. I feel like my mother was so wrapped up in her own grief that she couldn't acknowledge mine. I think the funeral would have helped a lot, but I wasn't given that opportunity.

@blubberyboo

It’s very normal where I am from for children to attend but usually only for people fairly close to them. Would the deceased person and those close to them want some distant relatives child there? A parents cousins husband sounds like a distant relative unless of course there was a close relationship

I don't think they would see me as a distant relative nor my DC so I suppose that must make a difference.

I think perhaps it is the make up of our family. He was like an uncle to the DC. They are also close to some great aunts and uncles.

That’s the key to things - people get too hung up on the labels of a connection whereas it’s actually the relationship between the people that matters.

The cultural difference between Ireland and England on this issue fascinates me. Growing up in Ireland I went to plenty of funerals of complete strangers (as well as family members etc). Because sometimes you would go along to Sunday Mass and it would just happen to be a funeral Mass. Plenty of children at those as well who didn't realise they'd be attending a funeral until they got to the church.

I can understand English people taking a different approach but the sheer scale of the difference always surprises me.