AIBU to take my DC to funeral?

[UndertheCedartree]

Very sadly, my cousin's husband died recently.

When I was told the date of the funeral I booked the day off from school for my 9yo DD and my eldest (14) is at college and not in that day, anyway. My DM offered me a lift to the funeral and when I said I was bringing the DC she was surprised/mildly shocked.

I may be completely off the mark here but I thought funerals were family get togethers to celebrate the life of our family member. My DC have previously been to my grandparent's funerals. I remember going to a number of funerals as a child. I have always taken them to the church service and wake but not to the crematorium as that tends to be the very sad bit. I was planning to do the same at this funeral.

Will it be frowned upon if I bring them to the funeral? Will others bring their DC, do you think?

One of my parents is Irish and the other lived in Ireland since a young teenager, but they both thought funerals were not for children.

That isn't the usual attitude in Ireland but there are always exceptions I guess

I was definitely much more able to deal with my mother’s funeral at 14 because I’d been to two funerals previously.

Sorry to hear that @JustLyra

Australian here. I don’t think that I have ever been to a funeral where the children were barred. I’ve been to funerals where the coffin was followed by a pram then the rest of the family. Dd went to funerals crawling, toddling, small (my own dm), not so small and just recently as a teenager a few times.

None of the children were ever a bother. I don’t understand the English Mumsnet attitude at all.

I had an Irish grandparent, a Russian one, a Welsh one and a Yorkshire one. One of the few things they seemed to agree on was a cup of tea fixed everything and that funerals were about family, friendships and respecting the living as well as the dead. My now 6 year has been to 4 so far, 2 of the above grandparents, my dad and a family friend. The first three it was an absolute, he had as much right to say goodbye as the rest of us. The last he had a relationship with but if her daughter hadn't wanted children present I would have made alternative arrangements.

Certainly when planning my dad's funeral other people turning up with children was the least of our concerns.

I didn't go to a funeral until I was about 16 I think. My uncle died when I was 9 and I wasn't allowed to go. The only funeral my 8 yo dd has been to was my dad's and we discussed it with the celebrant and agreed because she was very close to him it would help her accept it. She was very good and mature with it but I wouldn't take her to another one unless it was in similar circumstances.

The youngest I went to a funeral was 11. It was my great nana. My mum gave me the choice. We're a very close family, and I don't think I'd have forgiven my mum if she didn't at least give me the opportunity. Children under the age of 10, I would probably say no to. The only funeral I would take my daughter to would be if it was her dad, and him if it were me.

I find it deeply, deeply odd that children at funerals is even debated in this country. It should just be normal. Death is part of life.

For someone they're close to, I think it's as important for children to have the opportunity to say goodbye as it is for anyone else.

I wouldn't treat it as a family get together though. They'd only be there if I felt they "needed" to be.

I would certainly take a child if they knew the deceased person. Why shouldn't they have the same opportunity to say goodbye as everyone else? I do have Irish heritage though, so maybe it's just what I'm used to.

I don't think it's in a child's interests to protect them from the reality of death. Going to the funeral can help them to process things.

I should add, my dc knows all but one of my cousins' spouses!

I'm so sorry for your loss. It depends on the people.

When my mother died, I didn't have my daughter at the funeral - she was 9 - because I couldn't cope with managing her and my grief privately at the same time. If she'd been a bit older, maybe. Had anyone brought a child to either my Mum's or my Dad's funeral, I wouldn't have minded as long as the child would have been taken outside if they had started to be a distraction in any way. I wanted to hear the eulogies and not have to try and work around someone's noise to do so. The last thing I would have wanted to hear was a wailing child when I was trying with all my emotional might not to be one myself.

I'm Scottish and have attended funerals since I was about 5. Another one who thinks it's odd to leave them out.

I went to my grandads funeral when I was 7 and yes it was sad but it hasn't affected me.
My children haven't yet as they were too young when their great grandparents died and any other funeral they haven't been close to the dead person.
At 9 and 14 I'd think it's fine if they want to go and if they knew the person well. Otherwise they might be better off ar home /school.

Funerals are a family event in my experience so long as the DC are old enough to be respectful during the mass.

We’re currently debating this. The family of the deceased is Irish and there’s an expectation the children (6 & just 4) will attend. The other side of the family tends to wait until into teens for children to attend.

It must be a consideration because the funeral directors phoned to say they have isofix in their cars for the kids car seats.

I was very fortunate that I did not need to go to a funeral until I was 28, I was terrified I had built it up to be a huge thing and watched too many films as a child where they had an open coffin. I was extremely glad that the first funeral I went to was for an elderly friend of the family where I was sad but it was expected and a release for her. Less than a year later I had to go a funeral for a beloved aunt who died way too young, I would not have made it through that without going to that first funeral.
I have just lost my grandfather, and have absolutely given my children the opportunity to come to the funeral, they loved him but didn't see him often, and you never know when they will have to go to a funeral that is a lot more emotive than one for a very old man who died peacefully. So yeah maybe it is a practise run in some ways but it's also about paying respects, and supporting and seeing family we haven't seen for a long time.

We tend to leave the DGC with someone who takes them direct to the celebration part, where food we know they like is always included.

The churchyard/ crematorium part is a bit much for very little ones, especially when the weather is cold and wet. Much better let them run around a bit indoors.

I was always brought up children shouldn't go to funerals unless a close family member such as parent/grandparent/sibling.

It would not have been the norm to take a child to a cousins husbands funeral only unless they had a extremely close relationship

It's never occurred to me before that children shouldn't go to funerals, assuming the deceased is a relative or close family friend (i.e. someone they actually knew). Like you OP I thought they were family get-togethers.

I have a vague memory of going to a funeral as a young child, and I took DD to my grandfather's funeral. Granted she was a babe in arms then.

I'm not sure what the norm is though.

Ask your cousin. If they are ok with it then I’d ask the kids. Irish background but I take mine to funerals if they knew the person, and they’ve been fine. they saw grandad in his coffin, their own choice and no pressure as we were in his home with family and friends for a wake. Life ends. My dh is English and he wouldn’t have ever taken them as ‘it’s too sad’ it but now agrees that it’s not too sad or macabre, it’s a goodbye and to support the family left behind. But as everyone has said, cultures vary

Contact is everything here. Is the deceased and his DW close to your family and are you all actually bereaved or just paying your respects? Is the death premature and devastating to their family or someone who has lived a full life and died at a good age? I suspect the former here.

Whether the funeral is an appreciation of their life or a way of coming together in deep grief depends completely on all of this and thus whether it’s appropriate to take your DC.

[quote JustLyra]@AryaStarkWolf That was the same as how I was brought up by Scottish grandparents.
My Grandad worked in a huge factory and it was very common for him to be in a suit and tie going to the funeral of a partner or parent of one of the other staff. Even when he didn’t know the deceased he went as a mark of respect to the person he did know.[/quote]
But did you go? I am Scottish and i didn't go to my 1st funeral until an adult. I should maybe have went to one earlier but there was potential family conflict so my parents decided I wouldn't go.

It was always important though for a family 'representative' to go if it was a distant relation or family friend for example. But that wouldn't involve children.

My DC didn't go to the funeral of their great grandparents. They were too young and it just wasn't the right thing and noone expected it. That was also in Scotland. Dhs family did things the exact same way as my family.

I'm in my 60s and my first funeral was my mother's when I was 24. Only been to 2 others.

I went to funerals as a child, and my daughter has done, too.

They're a part of life, a part of the natural order of things.

When she was tiny, whichever one of us wasn't the direct relation stayed primed to remove her if she acted up during the service, but it would be deeply strange to both my family and my husband's to exclude children.

The only time I wouldn't automatically include would be if it was the funeral of a child, particularly a young child, unless the family had specifically said it was okay.

@AuntieMarys

I'm in my 60s and my first funeral was my mother's when I was 24. Only been to 2 others.

Again, the cultural differencecis are staggering. I'm not yet 50 and I have lost count of the number of funerals I've been to but it's well over 50 and maybe closer to a hundred. My parents wouldn't go a month without attending a funeral mass, sometimes it could be one a week..