AIBU to take my DC to funeral?

[UndertheCedartree]

Very sadly, my cousin's husband died recently.

When I was told the date of the funeral I booked the day off from school for my 9yo DD and my eldest (14) is at college and not in that day, anyway. My DM offered me a lift to the funeral and when I said I was bringing the DC she was surprised/mildly shocked.

I may be completely off the mark here but I thought funerals were family get togethers to celebrate the life of our family member. My DC have previously been to my grandparent's funerals. I remember going to a number of funerals as a child. I have always taken them to the church service and wake but not to the crematorium as that tends to be the very sad bit. I was planning to do the same at this funeral.

Will it be frowned upon if I bring them to the funeral? Will others bring their DC, do you think?

So their first cousin in law once removed? No I wouldn’t take a child in this case, unless it was common in your family- which you wouldn’t be asking this Aibu if that was the case.

@MadeOfStarStuff - yes, he was like a great-uncle to them
@Notaroadrunner - if they'd never met him it would be different. But we meet up for family events and Christmas etc every year.

@Rummikubfan - well it's clearly not random based on the responses on here! I wasn't really close to him either but I would definitely like to celebrate a family member's life as part of the grieving process. Not sure why that wouldn't apply to children too?

@honeybeesknees

We have always taken our DC to funerals for close family members. The only one we couldn’t was one which was restricted by the rule of 6 early on in covid times, and one DC in particular has really struggled with that death, and I’m assuming the lack of closure, as they often ask when we will be having their ‘party’. Of course take them out if they are being noisy, but as adults, a lot of us would struggle without the closure of a funeral, so why shouldn’t children.

I agree - this is my thinking too

@UndertheCedartree to me it’s still random but I come from a different culture and it wouldn’t occur to me to take my children. I have only been to one funeral not from our culture so it’s not something I’m familiar with.

@likearoomwithoutaroof

I wouldn't take children to a funeral until they were teens (if they wanted to go) unless it was a direct family member like a grandparent. Even then, I wouldn't take them now (at 5 and 3).

I didn't attend a funeral until I was an adult.

It's interesting my DM said this too - she didn't attend a funeral til she was an adult. Then she said they didn't take us to funerals when we were young - I started reeling off all the funerals I remember. It appears that it was my DF that wanted us to attend. I have nothing but good memories of the funerals - a nice way to say goodbye. At the 1st funeral mine came to they were baby and 5yo. It definitely helped the 5yo understand what was happening when his great-grandfather died.

Consequently, after speaking to my DF he thinks the DC should come! So a split just like this thread has shown. I think I'll speak to one of my second-cousins (cousin's DC) to see if they are taking their DC.

@Porcupineintherough

With all due respect to some of the posters above, I think treating funerals as an interesting opportunity to normalise death for children to is a bit distasteful. Most people's passing is deeply distressing to someone and their funeral isnt a spectator sport.

I certainly have never treated funerals as 'an interesting opportunity' or 'spectator sport' for my DC. They have been family get togethers to celebrate the life of our family member. The funerals were deeply distressing to me and others as well as being sad for the DC too. I find it strange that you suggest that family members including DC wouldn't be upset about someone in their family dying.

Yanbu if they were close and knew each other.

Yabu if they were not close/didn't know them to take a child out of school for the funeral. If my cousin's partner died I would attend but not my dc they don't have a relationship with them, I'd let dh choose as whilst he knows them he isnt close. I'd be going for support and for the sake of the relationship we had as children.

I think your children are old enough to understand how to behave at a funeral- quiet, respectful, not messing around. I'm Irish so always had kids at funerals but they were used to it and young ones were allowed to play as normal, especially after. Make sure you talk to them about what to expect so they're prepared and allow them to share their emotions on the day

@Shhhhhhhshh

I took my DC 7&2 to my DF funeral. The 2 year old had no idea what was going on but found it interesting and brightened up an otherwise awful occasion.

7 y.o knew what was going on and held my DM hand throughout the service. Yes she found the crying a bit upsetting but she was so proud that she could support her Grandma.

That's lovely.

Children aren't welcomed at funerals in my family or close circle, unless they were very close to the deceased, as in a sibling or child. I'd probably get the opinion of the chief mourners and go with that.

I can't stand when parents claim their children provided some light review at a funeral. It most certainly isn't the case at any funerals I've been to. Similarly I dislike the notion of it being a learning event. Nobody needs to learn how to behave at a funeral or how to mourn.

@Bananarama21

I find it strange you booked Time off school for a cousins husbands funeral it seems abit inappropriate how close what they have been totally different for a a close auntie/ uncle or grandparents. I wouldn't have wanted children in those circumstances you described I think its inappropriate.

He was like an uncle to the DC. I don't understand what you mean wouldn't have wanted any children or only some children?

[quote Porcupineintherough]@AryaStarkWolf it's pretty difficult to celebrate someone's life unless you know them.[/quote]
My family must be very different to others. We all know each other! We have lots and lots of happy memories together.

I think they should go if they want to. However, I'd be surprised if they feel close enough to your cousins husband to feel they need to attend.

How close were they to the deceased? Mine came to their grandparents funerals but not to great aunts and uncles or to family friends they were not close to. I’d let that drive attendance.

I wouldn’t say it was frowned upon but not the norm. A family member died recently and none of the children went and the eldest is 15. I asked my 8 year old if he wanted to come and the answer was no “because it would make me really sad”. However if he had wanted to come I would have taken him.

@feellikeanalien

My DD (14) has SN. Last year she went to both her grandparents funerals within the space of 7 months. Her Dad died last year as well and she point blank refused to go to the funeral. She said she found the "funeral box" and the curtains closing scary.

Do your kids want to go?

I know it's different if it's a parent but I would be guided by what the children want.

When I was younger we weren't taken to funerals as children. I went to my first funeral at 15 when I asked to go to my grandpa's.

I think, as other pps have said it is a cultural thing to a certain extent.

I'll be honest I haven't asked them if they want to go but I will. I have never taken them to the crematorium before because as you say the curtains closing can be scary.

@Jumpingintosummer

I think it very much depends on how close you are to the deceased. Do what feels right to you,

Thank you

@BobMortimersPetOwl

Children aren't welcomed at funerals in my family or close circle, unless they were very close to the deceased, as in a sibling or child. I'd probably get the opinion of the chief mourners and go with that.

I can't stand when parents claim their children provided some light review at a funeral. It most certainly isn't the case at any funerals I've been to. Similarly I dislike the notion of it being a learning event. Nobody needs to learn how to behave at a funeral or how to mourn.

I am really struggling to understand why children would be unwelcome. Unless they're badly behaved (never been an issue in my extended family), then what's the issue?

Why do some people seem to see children as a different species? If they knew the deceased, why shouldn't they go to the funeral?

I'm really glad that my family don't have this constant wish to exclude children from funerals, weddings and other family occasions. I find it very alien.

@Tal45

I really dislike funerals and wouldn't go to one unless it was an immediate relative, I wouldn't take my children either - not because I don't think they should know about death, just because funerals are horrible IMO, I definitely don't want one.

That's interesting - I personally have never found funerals horrible. Sad, yes, but also comforting to be able to come together and remember all the happy memories. I can understand not wanting to take a DC if you thought it would be horrible.

In my religion children dont go to funerals but everyones different -if you think theyre ok to handle it then take them

@Crunchymum

For my side, no funerals are not a place for kids.

For DP's side, the more the merrier and children "make" a funeral (yep they are Irish). Not sure if this is still the case if it's a particularly tragic death or a child?

Is there anyone close to the person who died, you could check with?

FWIW I went to my nan's funeral at 13 but not my other nan's who died earlier (I was 8)

None of mine came to my mum's funeral. They were 7,5 and 2.

One of the funerals I attended as a child was my 10yo cousin. I would have definitely have been upset to not attend.

But yes, it is a good idea to ask. I've messaged one of my second cousins.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

When my father died, my dses were about 3, 5 and 7, and we took them to the funeral - partly because it was a long way from where we lived at the time, and partly because he was their grandfather. My wonderful MIL came with us, and helped dh look after the boys in church (where they behaved very well), and afterwards at the wake. She then took them back to my parents' house and looked after them there whilst the rest of the close family went to the crematorium, for the service there.

When my MIL died, the boys were 20, 18 and 16, and of course they came to the funeral. In fact they carried her into the church, with dh - and I was so proud of them.

I think your children are definitely old enough to go to the funeral, to understand what is going on, and to behave appropriately, and I would see nothing wrong whatsoever with you taking them.

That's lovely

@UndertheCedartree if your children knew your cousin's husband it is totally appropriate that they attend the funeral. My children have only met my cousin and his wife once, when they were very small (different countries) so yes our family dynamic is probably very different.

@Kaley3043

I would allow the 14 year old if needed but probably not the 9 year old.

My grandad died last year (just before lockdown 1 so normal funeral) and my son was just turning 9. No way I was letting him go! My grandad wouldn't want his great-grandchildren remembering the sorrow of that day. We seen him 2 days before he died and that is my children's last memory of him and him being fine at home (his death was sudden).

But of course it's your child and your choice. How close was your children to this person?

How does your cousin feel about you bringing the children along? Assuming your cousins husbands own family there too?

My children don't know my cousins spouses though. I appreciate some families are closer.

My grandfather's funeral was of course sad but also a lovely way to remember his life. I'm pretty sure my 5yo picked up on the celebration side of the funeral not just the sorrow. He certainly has positive memories of it (and his great-grandmother's funeral later).

I have asked my second cousin about whether I should bring my 9 yo.