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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit this often

212 replies

Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 17:55

So ds is off to university Saturday and when I said I will come and see him every couple of weeks his reaction upset me a little as he then asked why every 2 weeks with a grin on his face saying too often he then said if its a weekend thats even worse and he simply just wants to get on with stuff.
So for those of you with kids at uni how often do you go to see them if at all us my plan too often.

OP posts:
DiscoGlitterBall · 12/09/2021 17:59

My mum visited twice in 3 years and once on my exchange year oh and graduation. I went home more often!

Leave him to it!

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 17:59

We didn’t visit DS at all last year! Covid didn’t help as most of the country was in lockdown-we might have popped up once in November otherwise though, maybe.

My parents probably popped in for an afternoon once a term when I was at university.

Every few weeks is too often! Take your lead from them.

Hekatestorch · 12/09/2021 17:59

Dd is going next year. Absolutely won't be going every weekend.

To be fair, u would expect to go there only if invited or asked for a favour. I would expect most visits to happen at home.

Definitely wouldn't be taking every other weekend of hers up

BakedTattie · 12/09/2021 18:00

Cut the apron strings and let him enjoy his life!

ConsulTremas · 12/09/2021 18:00

When I was at Uni (about 60 miles from my home town) my parents never visited. I used to go home and visit them about one weekend every term. That was it.

Original poster
Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 18:02

Oh gosh maybe I'm too interfering

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 12/09/2021 18:02

My parents came once a year when I was in a show. Granted it was a 3 hour drive.
Never went to see my son...he occasionally came home. Your son wants to branch out and meet friends and you will cramp his style 🤣. Check up on him and if he's happy leave him to it.

Blackkbird · 12/09/2021 18:02

My parents visited about once a term to take me for lunch and supermarket shopping.

Once a fortnight is far too much!

ItsSnowJokes · 12/09/2021 18:03

Please don't do this! He will be home home Christmas and may come home during reading week but please don't keep turning up. He needs social time to get to know housemates and classmates He doesn't want his mum turning up every 2 weeks.

minipie · 12/09/2021 18:03

About once a term parents visiting child, maybe once a term child visiting parents

daisylashes · 12/09/2021 18:03

Suggest you plan to go there once, they come home once each term. If they're not homesick leave them to settle in for the first month at least... More complicated if they have boyfriends/girlfriends in another city as they have to fit that in

Leftbutcameback · 12/09/2021 18:04

My dad used to take me out for a nice dinner if he was nearby for work, or he came up fo footy matches, and my mum visited once a year or so. I did find the first year really tough and ended up coming home a lot though.

slightlysnippy · 12/09/2021 18:04

That's far to often!

my parents visited about twice a year, and I went home a bit more often.

LightDrizzle · 12/09/2021 18:05

Max once a month to take them out to lunch. Unless initiated by them!

He’ll be anxious about making new friends, you aren’t his priority just now but don’t worry, it is a natural stage and doesn’t mean your are less lived and haven’t done a great job.

Seasidemumma77 · 12/09/2021 18:05

Try to visit at least once a year.

tiredanddangerous · 12/09/2021 18:06

I think my dps visited me twice in 4 years. That was a considerable number of years ago though so maybe things have changed.

AttaGirrrrl · 12/09/2021 18:06

I think my parents came once a term, usually to help me move! Mum came by train herself a few times, but just for lunch. Every two weeks is far too much. He wants to be with his friends!

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/09/2021 18:06

Omg waaaaay too often.

LightDrizzle · 12/09/2021 18:07

“less loved”
University terms are short too!

Smartiepants79 · 12/09/2021 18:07

Does depend a little on how far away he is. Half an hour down the road you might meet up once a month for lunch..
3 hours away then I’d have thought once a term was enough to go and stay. He’ll come home maybe once or twice in that time too?
I think it’s extremely positive that he’s so sure he’s going to be happy and enjoying himself and he should be wanting to just ‘get on with stuff’.
He should be out, having fun with friends, joining clubs, doing a bit of work!!
My parents visited maybe once or twice a term if I remember correctly. That was enough.

RevolutionRadio · 12/09/2021 18:07

My mam probably visited every few months, she always came to me as uni was in the city, so she also took the opportunity to go to shops not found anywhere near the place I'm from.

LightDrizzle · 12/09/2021 18:08

I think I visited DD 3 times in 3 years but she came home the odd weekend I think.

woodfort · 12/09/2021 18:08

Mine didn’t visit other than dropping me / picking me up at the start and end of every academic year. I came home for holidays.

If they’d been closer geographically I guess it would have been nice if they’d proposed meeting for a lunch or popping by for a coffee spontaneously every now and then, I think that would have been a nice way of seeing each other more regularly but it being less pressured (no expectation of me keeping whole weekends free).

I think once your DC go to university they are now adults too and your relationship has to change. It would be wonderful if you can meet fairly regularly in a very low key way.. don’t set out too far in advance when you expect to see them and don’t impose too much in their new life just as it is beginning.

Gorl · 12/09/2021 18:08

Yes that’s much too often. I would let it be at his invitation only, and even if you’re suggesting it I wouldn’t go up more than once per term. He needs to find his own feet and enjoy his independence.

MatildaTheCat · 12/09/2021 18:08

I knew a woman who visited her DS every single week (minimum 4 hour round trip). She’d scrub out the student flat and fill the fridge. It was widely accepted that she was completely mad.

Don’t be her. I visited DS twice in his entire course.

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