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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit this often

212 replies

Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 17:55

So ds is off to university Saturday and when I said I will come and see him every couple of weeks his reaction upset me a little as he then asked why every 2 weeks with a grin on his face saying too often he then said if its a weekend thats even worse and he simply just wants to get on with stuff.
So for those of you with kids at uni how often do you go to see them if at all us my plan too often.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 18:08

Thanks guys can always rely on you.

OP posts:
lanbro · 12/09/2021 18:08

Good grief, I don't remember my parents ever visiting me at uni! Obviously I came home a Christmas, my sister came to visit although I can't even recall how she got there as she probably wasn't driving yet...in my 2nd year I had a car so possibly went home more but just let him get on with it!

Spaghettipie1 · 12/09/2021 18:08

I don't have kids at uni, but I remember uni (although was more than 20 yrs ago!). I loved seeing my mum and dad, but only about once a term max. He'll want time to establish friendships and have some fun/hangovers/explore where he's living. Don't take it to heart x

Dishwashersaurous · 12/09/2021 18:08

Many moons ago, before mobile phones even, my parents would visit once in the middle of term and take me out for dinner and I didn't speak them between visits.

But didn't visit at all first term to allow me to settle in.

Honestly you should plan on next seeing him when you pick him up at the end of term.

Speaking fortnightly would be reasonable but not to be expected

Brakebackcyclebot · 12/09/2021 18:09

Omg don't visit every couple of weeks! I don't remember mine coming at all, and I rarely went home in term time.

Potcallingkettle · 12/09/2021 18:09

My parents never visited in term time. We’ve visited once in two years so far (5 hour drive). DC have popped home for a couple of weekends.
Be lead by them but once a fortnight is far too often especially if they don’t particularly want you there.

crimsonlake · 12/09/2021 18:09

As hard as it is to let them go you must step back and let them get on with it.
My two left for uni the same year and I was left alone as a single parent, that was really hard but I never thought about going to see them during term time. Luckily during the first year they both came home separately once a month, probably missed their home comforts. This was lovely, so nice to welcome them home, but then tears again from me when they left.
Console yourself with the fact they are home a lot during the holidays. Be ready for the fact that really it is the time when they leave university and get jobs that spending big chunks of time at home ends. You will get used to the new normal.

Hekatestorch · 12/09/2021 18:09

Did you really exeict him to spend every other weekend with you?

What about his friends? Or plans they make. Or maybe studying?

Carpetssss · 12/09/2021 18:09

My DS would come home once a term for the weekend and we went up to visit once in the first term and took him out for dinner. (He pushed us out the door at drop off in first year.)
This is the pattern my parents and my DH parents did when we were at uni too; one home weekend a term for seeing mates and us.
They need to hang out with friends and practice adulting without us when at uni in my opinion.
Eldest rarely messages and I ring him once a week and send him messages occasionally.
Dropped youngest at uni last weekend for his first year. He was more clingy on drop off and is messaging me many times a day and has rung me twice. As freshers went on and he settled more and this has slowed. In fact not heard from him today yet! So play it by ear they will let you know how much parent contact they need. He is coming home for a week in October but we've told him we will pay train fare if he wants to come home more often.
I think seeing you every two weeks is too much but it depends on what they need from you. Mine would not like to see me every two weeks, they are far too busy with friends etc. Time to let go OP! X

2tired2bewitty · 12/09/2021 18:09

I went home by train once a term and they dropped me off and picked me up at the beginning and end of term. My dad is a university lecturer and he seemed to think this was adequate.

NothingIsWrong · 12/09/2021 18:09

My mum never visited me except on my year abroad. And when I had appendicitis.

Teacupsandtoast · 12/09/2021 18:10

Sorry OP but leave him to it - do NOT go down there every 2 weeks

LatinMumof2 · 12/09/2021 18:10

I picked a uni far enough my mum wouldn't visit ever. She dropped me off start of first year and second year but went straight home and then came to graduation. That was plenty for both of us (& we have a good relationship). I went home at least once a term, mainly to see friends though!

Fernando072020 · 12/09/2021 18:11

My parents never visited me at uni. And that's how I liked it. You have such a great social life at uni and have loads of work to do, last thing you want is your mum coming round so often.
So yes sorry, that's far too much!

annie335 · 12/09/2021 18:12

Leave him be to enjoy what will be the best time of his life.

Briarshollow · 12/09/2021 18:12

@Tevion28

Oh gosh maybe I'm too interfering
Yer think?! Every two weeks?!!!! Crikey. Poor kid. Poor future daughter in law…. 😂
Suzi888 · 12/09/2021 18:12

It’s ok to go and stay in the area, your DS can meet you a breakfast/brunch /lunch for an hour or so. But on the whole, leave them to it Grin. My family came when I graduated. My parents popped up a few times for meals and things but that was it.

BIWI · 12/09/2021 18:12

Unless there's a really special, specific occasion you don't go and visit them. You wait until they come home at the holidays.

It's really important to let them go.

waterrat · 12/09/2021 18:13

Oh gosh its hard to take the leap to seeing them as adults but he needs to have his time there to spread his wings as an individual.

He will be busy making new friends and having adventures he won't want plans with his mum.

Focus on enjoying him coming back at half term. I wouldn't visit unless he wants you to. I don't think my parents came much at all.

Rumplestrumpet · 12/09/2021 18:13

No OP, you can't visit every few weeks. He has to build his own life there. When I was at uni my mum brought me at the beginning of the year and stayed overnight my first night, took me shopping and stocked up on essentials. After that she offered to come up a few times but made it light and breezy, "only if it suits" and never made me feel bad when I declined. She probably visited once or twice a year and looked after me, cooked me my favourite food or took me out for dinner. I really appreciated her approach and we are very very close now, 20 years later.

Give him space or he'll push you away. Never make him feel guilty for wanting to do his own thing - that's what university is about!!

spanieleyes · 12/09/2021 18:14

Once at the beginning and end of each term to pick up and drop off ( eldest son was 3 hours away, youngest was 5!) and once two weeks into the first term of year one to buy anything they had forgotten! That was it.

Merryoldgoat · 12/09/2021 18:14

I got visited once.

seaandsandcastles · 12/09/2021 18:14

YABU. You need to let him have his own life. Let him set the pace of when you visit, don’t just say “right I’m coming up”.

Thunderbolted · 12/09/2021 18:14

I can't recall my parents ever visiting (other than drop off/collection). They lived 40 minutes away. I spoke to them approximately every 6 weeks by phone, usually to ask for a recipe. Every 2 weeks is genuinely nuts. He's making his own way in life, don't interfere. I have a great relationship with my parents and the lack of contact at this stage in life did no harm.

Original poster
Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 18:15

Thanks this is very much taken on board

OP posts:
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