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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to visit this often

212 replies

Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 17:55

So ds is off to university Saturday and when I said I will come and see him every couple of weeks his reaction upset me a little as he then asked why every 2 weeks with a grin on his face saying too often he then said if its a weekend thats even worse and he simply just wants to get on with stuff.
So for those of you with kids at uni how often do you go to see them if at all us my plan too often.

OP posts:

AngelDelight28 · 13/09/2021 08:34

Oh God, my mum too is one of those who "likes to be needed". I love her but it can be so irritating. My uni days were a decade ago, don't know how how it is these days but I don't remember anyone's parents visiting them at uni...people went home maybe once a month, or just for the holidays if they'd come from far away. My mum dropped me off, had a quick look at my room and then I made her leave ASAP. I'd have been mortified if she'd hung around to help me unpack or visited every 2 weeks. Please don't do this OP, or your son would forever be knows as a mummy's boy among his new uni mates.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/09/2021 08:44

DS went to uni on the weekend. DH dropped him off. I have said we might go down at the end of term and stay a night in a hotel to see the city where he is studying. We will all drive back together the next day. I wouldn't expect to visit in term time only pick up and drop off if he isn't getting the train.

I'm glad you are rethinking OP. It is hard but they need to make their own way. As long at they know that you are there to help if they need it then you have to step back and let them grow (and mess up - they learn a lot from sorting that out).

CuntAmongstThePigeons · 13/09/2021 08:50

Oh god I would have DIED of embarrassment if my parents came to see me at Uni that much. I don't think they visited once other than drop off and pick up. Generally speaking the kids just come home during the holidays. Honestly just leave him to it, he'll definitely thank you for it!

SunSeaSurfGin · 13/09/2021 10:02

I went to a uni 300 miles away so that my parents couldn't do this

In the end they dropped me off at the start of the year then visited once or twice in the year if they were passing. I went home for the holidays

queenatom · 13/09/2021 11:26

I probably saw my parents in my university city twice a year, usually because they were in the city for some other reason (they had a number of friends there, sporting events and concerts/theatre that they wanted to attend, etc.) I would say I probably visited home for the weekend every 6 - 8 weeks.

LadyJaye · 13/09/2021 12:06

I actually can't remember if my mum came to visit me at uni, apart from dropping me off in 1st year and coming to my graduation - in saying that, it was 20+ years ago! I'm sure she did. Maybe once or twice in four years, though.

I lived in a flatshare in 2nd year (there was a group of about six of us) and one girl's parents visited every other weekend - it was maddening, because she'd start sniping at us to 'clean the place up, my parents are coming', and ultimately began to feel very intrusive.

We weren't a particularly untidy or dirty bunch (tbh she was the worst of all of us), but it was a typical flat full of young women in their late teens/early 20s, and it got very wearing after a while, considering we all paid the same amount of rent and had clearly missed the vote to appoint her Head of the Housekeeping Police...

So, yeah, parents, if you're going to visit your kids, particularly if they're living in a group house or flatshare - please remember that other people pay money to live there too...

GobbleHobble · 13/09/2021 12:07

visits would have been meant for a meal out and shopping for anything he may need

I like to be needed that is one of my traits

He needs to have space to grow up as a functioning adult.

University student blokes don't typically attend a meal and shopping days out with mum every second weekend, and any potential girlfriends would (rightly) find this odd and off-putting if you continue to push the dynamic.

It's all very strange and i suggest you develop your own social network further, because it SOUNDS like you're over-invested in him being your support network (i.e. you're not doing it to help him, as you claim, you're doing it because you need it).

It's damaging, and selfish.

CoronaPeroni · 13/09/2021 12:46

You have a few days to make sure he knows how to leave a toilet in a clean condition, how to actually clean it, wash up and clean an oven and microwave after use, feed himself and work out how to read laundry labels and use a washing machine. Also how to be a sharing and compassionate flatmate. If he can do those things give yourself a pat on the back for being a good mum!

BorderlineHappy · 13/09/2021 12:48

@Tevion28 you might find you love having your independence.
And not want to visit at all then.

mogsrus · 13/09/2021 13:26

Every 2weeks! you'll be counting down the days with glee,he'll be counting down with intrepidation,don't do it,let him breath,you know what he looks like etc,it will become very boring,& very quickly

LukeEvansWife · 13/09/2021 13:48

@CoronaPeroni

If he can’t manage any of those tasks by now, he’s not ready to be independent

KaycePollard · 13/09/2021 16:33

he has been a lazy sod since the dawn of time

He's going to have to stop that behaviour if he's sharing with other students. Most students won't stand for dealing with other students' mess or selfishness. Dealing with undergrads as a Personal Tutor, I've lost count of the number of times that students have mentioned terrible flatmates.

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