To want to visit this often

[Tevion28]

So ds is off to university Saturday and when I said I will come and see him every couple of weeks his reaction upset me a little as he then asked why every 2 weeks with a grin on his face saying too often he then said if its a weekend thats even worse and he simply just wants to get on with stuff.
So for those of you with kids at uni how often do you go to see them if at all us my plan too often.

You need to start to let him go otherwise you are a potential MIL from hell.

Do you have other DC?

Is he in catered halls or will he need to cater for himself?

He has to cater for himself

You could spend the next few days setting him up for that

@toomuchlaundry

You need to start to let him go otherwise you are a potential MIL from hell.

Do you have other DC?

Is he in catered halls or will he need to cater for himself?

Oh no. The thought of what his future girlfriend would go through 😂

Poster is right, need to manage yours and his boundaries now before it becomes a problem for him to develop his own life.

My parents only came to my uni to drop me off with my stuff once a year. My flatmates sometimes had their mums come to stay in our flat. I thought it was a bit odd having parents stay over night! Although now I'm a mum myself I guess I'd think it was great if my kids wanted me to do that 🤣

With DS1 his Uni town was on the way to my home town, and I sometimes popped by when I went to visit my dad- every 4-6 weeks or so. Usually to drop something in, or just for a cup of tea, or if he wanted me to give him a lift somewhere to collect something ( eg Ikea).
DS2 rarely, a couple of times we visited the area and took him out for a meal.

Christ that's much to much, once a year is about the norm where I'm from.

My parents never once visited me. I can't imagine why they'd have wanted to. If I wanted to see them, I preferred to visit them, where I could eat and do laundry for free, watch tv channels I couldn't afford to get in my student apartment, and enjoy getting reacquainted with the cats and dogs.

Not being funny but have you not taught him how to fend for himself, wash his clothes, cook, shop, budget? Does he even make his own tea in the morning

I went to three different unis. One I lived at home so I saw my parents all the time. When I was living there I always gave an estimated time to get home when I was out, ate meals with them etc.
One was really far away (international, long before covid, no border restrictions) - my parents visited once.
One was nearer and my parents visited or I visited them maybe once or twice a month, and every holiday or reading week. It was always weekends so I could spend time with them without missing classes.
The amount of visiting was definitely led by me in #2 and #3. In #2 I was having a great time and I still spoke to them every few days. In #3 I was really homesick and struggling with my mental health so I needed them to support me more.

I didn't go to uni until I was a mature student and had a daughter of my own so I was already settled in the same city as my parents so didn't move away for uni so can't comment on how much they visited me since I was just around the corner with their granddaughter. However my brother moved out at 18 for uni and I think they visited once in the first year he left and that was so they could meet his new girlfriend. After that they went up a few times but only for an occasion. He would visit home when he felt like it and they were quite happy to let him get on with it.

Call once every 2 weeks. Visit only if he needs collecting at the end of term. If he wants to see you, he can go home for the weekend. No need to be in his space at all while he’s turning into an adult.

I knew someone who used to travel to their son's uni town most weeks. The son didn't know they were there, they just checked he was alive and then came home.

Once a term.

I work term-time only so tend to visit DD at Uni during the half term holidays. She's in a beautiful city that's 2 hours away so I'll pop up there and we'll do something touristy and have lunch at a posh restaurant.

She also has to move all her belongings out of her accommodation at the end of every term so we're used to driving up with a car packed full of her stuff at the start and end of each term. We usually make a day out of the moving in and out days and plan a nice place to visit along with a reservation at a lovely restaurant.

There was another thread on here a while back asking what made for good relationships between parents and their adult children. Pretty much everyone said “parents who provide support but don’t interfere”. Visiting every two weeks or visiting at all when you haven’t been invited is definitely interfering.

You've had lots of responses here OP, you get the gist. It will be a big change for both of you from the sound of it. Maybe have a think about activities and plans for yourself when he's gone off - less focus on him, more focus on positive things for you to do. It'll stop you mithering him and might even be fun as well.

I think you tend to visit more when they need something bringing to them, or need help in bringing things back to you.

Yes, he’ll have huge holidays were he’ll probably come home for creature comforts. Let him lead it but go up for his birthday obviously and maybe suggest some dates every other month.

When I was at uni - my parents visited maybe 2x in 3 years. (mostly to help me move)

@Tevion28

I like to be needed that is one of my traits

But he's made it clear he doesn't need you to visit every 2 weeks. So you're being needy.

Op I would have been horrified if my mum had said this to me lol

Having said that, I do feel for you,it's sounds like you're not prepared for him to be flying the nest.

This is the time at which you switch your parenting to style to one of benign neglect

He also needs to learn to cater and care for himself for hereon in...Otherwise he'll grow into one of those men so oft complained about by women who find all the domestic work is left to them

I know someone who's mother still made him a packed lunch every day following his masters, did all ironing, visited weekly to clean his flat...Seriously, its been a nightmare for this persons now wife!

Since you likecto be needed, and I appreciate that, perhaps you can find a volunteer role to keep you busy somewhere you'll be well valued, especially during the transition?

He might well live like a slob during uni (although some become strangely houseproud) but he'll get over it in time and he will love knowing that he can always come home to you when he needs you. It's a tricky transition, but you'll embark on a wonderful new phase of your mother/son relationship.

Definitely feel the odd one out here. When my eldest was at university I took my cues from her and visited about once a month on average, sometimes on my own, sometimes with her much younger brothers. Once in a shared house they were invited to stay over on occasion too. Several years later my elder son's university was in a city I often travelled to for work so we used to meet up for a drink or something to eat and the odd supermarket shop. He also visited home for the weekend a couple of times a term. Both were pretty self sufficient and had full lives at university but were happy to keep in regular contact. I am sure you'll work something out that you and your son are happy with OP.

They need to be independent.
The usual thing is drop them off, so you can see their rooms, which is quite comforting. Then you've got Facetime which really helps. He might come home mid term.
I won't deny its a bit of a culture shock for the first two weeks but time will fly to Christmas.
When mine was stuck in residences with Covid, I ordered online chocolate and coffee beans which they all enjoyed.

You will both be fine.

Op, time to find your own way forward now and let DS stand on his own feet.

Maybe plan in one visit this term?