Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit this often

212 replies

Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 17:55

So ds is off to university Saturday and when I said I will come and see him every couple of weeks his reaction upset me a little as he then asked why every 2 weeks with a grin on his face saying too often he then said if its a weekend thats even worse and he simply just wants to get on with stuff.
So for those of you with kids at uni how often do you go to see them if at all us my plan too often.

OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 12/09/2021 21:26

@Tevion28

NeilBuchananisBanksy Oh I think maybe i didn't want to feel like he was out of sight out of mind and have the feeling I've abandonment him
Why would he think you have abandoned him? He's off to uni by his choice. Perfectly normal thing to do.

This is more about you than him. You really need to think hard about your motivations behind this here. Why did you think it was reasonable? Do you think he still needs you somehow? (Or wish that...?)

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/09/2021 21:27

Please don't visit him! He needs to spread his wings and find his own way.

My mum visited once in 3 years and my dad never... which was fine with me. I would have been mortified if my parents had turned up at my student digs.

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 21:27

Op you drop off and help them unpack and he will come home himself when he is free but you’ve got to let them be adults and have his weekends with his mates not have to tell them he’s got to see his mum.

NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 12/09/2021 21:28

@Tevion28

Thanks guys can always rely on you.
Thank you for this post. I'm planning for my daughter to go off and was wondering the same thing. I feel sad about the majority of the answers but know they are all right.

Time to let them fly

KT727 · 12/09/2021 21:30

Yeah I think most students go home rather than having family members visit.

Bambam2019 · 12/09/2021 21:30

Mine never ‘visited’ just picked me up and dropped me back off and the end of every term and start of each new one. Thankfully I wasn’t homesick and was more than happy with this arrangement.

TellingFriends · 12/09/2021 21:30

Does he want to go to the Canary Islands with you for his 21st? He might want to have a party with his new uni friends.

A phonecall once every fortnight would be fine and normal, but not an actual visit.

MeanderingGently · 12/09/2021 21:30

Good grief, what university student wants their mother turning up every couple of weeks??! Don't do this, your son will be the laughing stock of the whole Uni!

When my daughter went to Uni, she spent most of her holidays with her Spanish boyfriend so I was lucky to see her once or twice in the first two years, and that was when she visited home.
I think I only saw her there when I dropped her off in the first year and collected her and her belongings at the end of three years.... She would have been livid if I'd kept 'turning up' to visit.

Inthemuckheap · 12/09/2021 21:31

Twice in 3 years and one of those times was her graduation ceremony!

Glitterblue · 12/09/2021 21:34

I went home once every 5-6 weeks for a weekend and my parents visited once a term when I was in a concert.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/09/2021 21:37

I woukd say one visit max per term plus potentially dropping them off and collecting them. On that visit your role is to buy a load of shopping and take them for dinner, and not hang around too long!

probsouting · 12/09/2021 21:39

My mum visited once as she was passing my city.

My dad passed my city multiple times and only stopped by once or twice when picking me up to take me home.

I would not have wanted them to visit and I think presuming that he will want to see you so often is crazy.

Didn't even call or text some weeks (speak multiple times a day now, as it wasn't forced the )

Thank you on behalf of your son for saying you will take a step back. I was cringing for him then.

probsouting · 12/09/2021 21:41

I lied. The one time my mum visited was actually a year after I finished uni so during uni, only to drop me off 😂😂 and my dad picked me up once during uni and once after.

ablutiions · 12/09/2021 21:54

@Tevion28 It's be fine to take him and get unpacked. The whole family is going g with my boy next weekend Grin

But we will leave him to it after that.

It's so exciting for them. Smile

Original poster
Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 21:54

NeilBuchananisBanksy visits would have been meant for a meal out and shopping for anything he may need

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 12/09/2021 21:55

I was at university for five years. The only time my parents visited me was for my graduation ceremony.

GoodnightGrandma · 12/09/2021 21:56

I only see mine on the holidays.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 12/09/2021 21:58

@Tevion28

NeilBuchananisBanksy visits would have been meant for a meal out and shopping for anything he may need
Ok, why do you think he'd need that though?

I know I keep asking but you really need to look inwards here as to your motivation. Him feeling abandoned- I think maybe you are feeling abandoned and are projecting?

Original poster
Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 22:02

I guess something for me to do as well

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 22:05

Op he can do his own shopping with his mates and will eat with them too.

I’m sorry, he will come home and visit you can maybe visit him once a term. But his needs need to come first.

Wolfiefan · 12/09/2021 22:06

DS is off on Friday. We will see him at Christmas. He needs to have his independence and find his feet as an independent adult.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 12/09/2021 22:08

You need to let go op and find yourself rather than living through your DS. You won't be doing either of you any favours.

Do you have any hobbies or interests you can throw yourself into more?

Original poster
Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 22:14

NeilBuchananisBanksy I like visiting national trust properties so rather than bother ds on weekends I will go to those instead and I do work as well

OP posts:
KKTGW · 12/09/2021 22:15

DD is going to London which is near enough for a day trip.

I know she's keen to come back and visit the cats...term is 13 weeks so I imagine I'll pop up half way through and at the end to do something Christmas's before she comes back fot the holidays, and she'll probably come home for a couple of weekends.

I'd anticipate getting less as she settles in though, but obviously being able to meet up just for a day is a bit less intrusive.

Original poster
Tevion28 · 12/09/2021 22:15

I like to be needed that is one of my traits

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread