DC and rent - interfering ex-MIL! WWYD?

[Ilovemarmiteandwine]

DC1 has just finished school and is off to Uni next Sept. He has an excellent gap year opportunity paying in excess of £20k PA. I’ve asked him for monthly rent of £250pcm which will include everything he enjoys now. He and I have discussed it at length and think that’s fair. He doesn’t know, but I’m planning on saving at least half of it for when he starts Uni, plus it will teach him the value of budgeting (and not frittering away your first full time wage on crap which his dear mother did!)
Enter my dear ex—MIL. So as not to drip feed, my DCs dad died when my youngest was a baby. I’ve maintained contact with his family as was their dads wish, even though they disapprove loudly of everything I do or have done in the past. Now the DCs are adults I’ve gone ultra LC with them but the kids stay in touch regularly. Anyway, DC told me this morning that ex-MIL is horrified that I’m making her darling grandchild pay rent and has offered to “make up the shortfall” in his wages! I’m livid…even though my DC are adults I’m being undermined. My thoughts are that this is going to teach him nothing about the adult world and he’s just going to carry on running to his GM for things.
WWYD?
a) persuade DC to decline the offer?
b) Tackle ex-MIL yourself?
c) do nothing, DC is an adult and can make their own decisions.

C

I would go for D) set up his own saving fund for university

Continue saving for him but let him have the pleasure of saving his own money wherever it comes from.

Oh god not another one of these threads. What age is your Ds?I'm with your MIL I wouldn't charge him to live at home, just help him to budget and save. Why should he pay you? He doesn't owe you!

I can see why this is annoying. But I’d say it is axiomatic to your view that DC needs to take responsibility for their finances that you also don’t interfere in this decision regarding accepting money from their grandparent. I presume your DC told their grandmother about your arrangement? Do you know why they did that?

I’d stay out of it now.

I would tell her to keep her sticky beak out. However, he could take the money and save it for university. She might decide to help him out at university.

Fwiw, my Mum was insistent I make ds pay keep when he started work.

I think I’d do b first. Don’t go in all guns blazing but explain to her that you’re teaching him life skills etc and you’re actually planning on saving some for him for next year. Can she be trusted to keep this from him?
Secondly a. Tell him to tell her that that is a really lovely offer but totally unnecessary and she doesn’t need to that.
I can understand why you’re annoyed though.

C

I do see why this is frustrating. However, he will still get the benefit of feeling responsible, taking ownership of contributing to his living arrangements and of saving/budgeting.

A and b

In the interests of full transparency though; I would not be charging my DC during their gap year unless I was really really in need of the money. So my view is definitely influenced by that.

If my children are earning they contribute else they get to 30 and don’t learn.

I'd leave them to it. If she wants to throw money at him then so be it. I wouldn't bother saving the bit you had planned to and instead tell Ds that this way he will be able to save a lot more towards his uni years, thus saving you money. Win win! Who cares what she thinks. Her opinion of you doesn't matter. I'd be changing LC to NC from now on if I were you. Just be grateful Ds told you about it, as he could have kept it quiet and you'd be saving for his uni years unnecessarily.

And I would just like to add...as whenever these posts come up and the parent says " oh but I'm going to save it for him and give it all back as a surprise"

THAT is the single most ridiculous "life lesson" I have ever heard of. AT NO POINT in life will the bank, council or electricity company turn around and say "here have half of your money back, we were saving it as a surprise!!" 🤣🤣 (except in the circumstances that you have been overpaying I suppose but that's not common at all!)

@wedwewerpink it’s hardly about owing her anything is it? It’s about learning that gas, electricity, water, WiFi etc all costs money and nothing in this life comes free. It’s about teaching the values of money and life skills.
He’s off to Uni next year so is going to have to learn to look after himself then isn’t he?!

My daughter, at 20 earns nearly 10k a year more than me. I charge her rent! By your reckoning, should I let her keep everything to herself?!

But we don't know the OP doesn't need the money. She's widowed. She'll lost any tax credits as well as child benefit. Maybe she is struggling? She's just trying to stop her child from wasting his money and helping him to grow up.

It really shocks me how women are supposed to let men live with them rent-free and are castigated for asking adult children to contribute. Are we supposed to fund everyone and just martyr ourselves?

Don't speak to Ex MIL. Encourage your son to put the money aside in a savings account for when he's at uni - that way he still is learning the lesson you wanted, but feels empowered to be making the decision and controlling the money himself.

Double the rent to £500 and let the MIL give him the £250.

He still learns to pay his own way and you'll be quids in.

@PinkiOcelot yes, yes I do. I would leave her to save as much as possible to get her off on the best foot. I wouldn't be taken for a mug mind you I would expect my dc to make dinners, clean the house, do their own laundry, take part etc. I wouldn't be a hotel...

Thanks for the responses. DS is 18 and it’s my opinion that if he is earning a good wage then he should contribute to the household. I like @BluebellsGreenbells suggestion he should save for himself. Thank you.

One could also ask why the DC isn't moving into his own place.

@OmgIcantbelieveshedidit

If my children are earning they contribute else they get to 30 and don’t learn.

This

How is giving your children a FREE life helping them to grow.
Tell son to take the cash and bank it for uni.
Also show him your bills and that he is getting a bargain.
Your LC with MIL anyway so no skin off your nose, she would always find a reason to dislike you. Ask her if she wants to pay his loans as well...

@HollowTalk exactly the martyrdom thing is cringey! I would ignore the MIL, it’s none of her business and you don’t need to dignify her with an explanation.

In my world, an adult earning a full wage pays towards household costs but a token amount. In these circumstances I would save it all and give it back at the end of the year - I think that’s a great idea and don’t understand the horror of leaving an 18 year old with “only” £1,100 fun money per month - no wonder people can’t budget. I’d speak to mil about having a plan and I’d say undermining my parenting is really disrespectful. If she insists on ds taking her money I’d encourage him to put that into savings (maybe put the rent up so mil pays more ).

Sounds like you’re a great mum and love your son, preparing him for the world rather than babying him. I paid my parents 10% of my take home each month and 20 years later I still feel happy I did that and have a great relationship (they didn’t return it to me as savings but did pay for my wedding).

Get him to set up a lifetime issue rather than charging rent
Mine did this with a help to buy isa. They kept paying in and have £16k with top up at 24

Taking money and giving it back doesn’t teach budgeting. It teaches you that your parents are a money source

@Bollindger this was part of our negotiation. I showed him exactly what my bills cost and how he was getting a complete bargain!!! He is welcome to find his own place at any time but I don’t think he’ll find a better deal!