Page 6 | DC and rent - interfering ex-MIL! WWYD?

Ilovemarmiteandwine · 2021-09-05T10:57:14+00:00

DC1 has just finished school and is off to Uni next Sept. He has an excellent gap year opportunity paying in excess of £20k PA. I’ve asked him for monthly rent of £250pcm which will include everything he enjoys now. He and I have discussed it at length and think that’s fair. He doesn’t know, but I’m planning on saving at least half of it for when he starts Uni, plus it will teach him the value of budgeting (and not frittering away your first full time wage on crap which his dear mother did!) [grin] Enter my dear ex—MIL. So as not to drip feed, my DCs dad died when my youngest was a baby. I’ve maintained contact with his family as was their dads wish, even though they disapprove loudly of everything I do or have done in the past. Now the DCs are adults I’ve gone ultra LC with them but the kids stay in touch regularly. Anyway, DC told me this morning that ex-MIL is horrified that I’m making her darling grandchild pay rent and has offered to “make up the shortfall” in his wages! I’m livid…even though my DC are adults I’m being undermined. My thoughts are that this is going to teach him nothing about the adult world and he’s just going to carry on running to his GM for things. WWYD? a) persuade DC to decline the offer? b) Tackle ex-MIL yourself? c) do nothing, DC is an adult and can make their own decisions.

BreatheAndFocus · 05/09/2021 14:53

I think you’re right charging rent - it’s the principal. If he’s going to be earning £20k plus then of course he should pay you some of that as rent.

If you feel your exMIL is doing this slyly to purposely undermine you, I’d teach your DS another life lesson, that people can sometimes have ulterior motives and it’s always good to stop and think if that’s the case. I consider that a very important lesson.

So I’d do a) or b). If he won’t comply, I’d add ExMIL’s contribution onto his wages and work out a new rent amount and tell MIL so.

Sn0tnose · 05/09/2021 14:55

I think I’d do a variation of a. Maybe sit down with him, tell him you’re charging him rent partly to help pay the bills and partly to teach him about budgeting, and ask him if he feels it’s an adult thing to do to take money off a pensioner when he’s earning a pretty good wage for someone his age. Then let him make his own decision.

Why should he pay you? He doesn't owe you! Why shouldn’t he pay his expenses when he’s earning his own money? She doesn’t owe him!

Dizzy1234 · 05/09/2021 15:07

@wedwewerpink

Oh god not another one of these threads. What age is your Ds?I'm with your MIL I wouldn't charge him to live at home, just help him to budget and save. Why should he pay you? He doesn't owe you!

Ridiculous comment "He doesn't owe you!" neither does the op "owe" her DC free board & lodging, he's going to be earning £20k, he should make a contribution, a very small one that the op is asking and she's going to save him half. It's called a life lesson and a good one at that

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/09/2021 15:25

Although OP has called it 'rent' in her thread title, it isn't really. Rent is what you pay to allow you to live in a property, and then you pay bills and food on top of that. OP is only asking for a contribution to the bills and food (an18 year old is going to eat a LOT).

The OP says that she doesn't earn much more than the DS will be doing. He's going to have well over £1,000 per month to spend as he wishes, even if MIL pays nothing and he pays the £250 a month. I doubt the OP gets to spend anything near that amount on herself in a year. Why shouldn't he pay (some of) the costs of him living at home?

Northernsoullover · 05/09/2021 15:34

@Candleinthebreeze

I find it amazing that anyone would charge kids rent.

I couldn’t do it, just couldn’t. Yes ok if they were lounging around the house all day being lazy, but if they’re working, leading normal lives, I’d rather teach them and trust them, than take their money away.

Feels totally wrong to me

You've clearly got enough money then. I budget to the last penny. I rent a 3 bed house. If I didn't have children I'd have a one bed or possibly even bought. I'd lose council tax discount if my son started working. Plus tax credits. Can't you understand that for some its a necessity?

WomanStanleyWoman · 05/09/2021 15:38

Out of interest, OP, how would you feel if your MIL knew nothing of the rent situation and had simply offered to help him out financially during university? Is it that you think your son simply shouldn’t be taking the money - or are you just annoyed because you feel undermined by someone you dislike, who has criticised your decisions in the past?

Maybe she IS doing it just to undermine you. It certainly seems possible based on what you’ve said about her past behaviour. But if the end result of fighting her on this is your son being £250 a month worse off, is it that important to be able to say ‘I won’? And given her attitude over the years, what is the likelihood of her actually listening if you confront her? Isn’t it more likely that she’ll give him the money anyway, but with an additional stir of the pot by telling him you tried to stop her?

If it helps, think of it as a lump sum. £3k in savings (assuming your son has the sense to save it) is not to be sneezed at. You might not like where it comes from, but £3k is worth £3k no matter who provides it and how.

Original poster

Ilovemarmiteandwine · 05/09/2021 15:48

Thanks all, some really helpful and interesting perspectives on here. I think I will adopt the C approach (as I do not wish to speak to the woman) but gently encourage DS about saving off university. He will have a LOT of disposable income (more than I have ever had or dreamed of!) and all I can do is educate him on how much university costs and making the right decisions.

OP posts:

wedwewerpink · 05/09/2021 16:03

As I have said in another thread...

I also find it really sad that parents seem to see their dc as a cash cow (for want of a better term) they see them as the ones who entitle them to child benefit/tax credits HOWEVER when that comes to an end they (the parents) then has the audacity to think that the dc should now make up the shortfall.

The way I see it for the OP she is saving money as she now doesn't HAVE to provide, clothing, entertainment, Phone, travel costs etc (unless OP is happy to) but there is no way in gods green earth I think that a 16/17 yr old should pay to live at home. I would just have a frank conversation with her and tell her that NOW is the best time in her life (good enough pay, v little bills/responsibilities) and it would be in her own interest to save as much as possible and if she needs help/motivation in doing so then I would help her.

Theunamedcat · 05/09/2021 16:08

@wedwewerpink

As I have said in another thread...

I also find it really sad that parents seem to see their dc as a cash cow (for want of a better term) they see them as the ones who entitle them to child benefit/tax credits HOWEVER when that comes to an end they (the parents) then has the audacity to think that the dc should now make up the shortfall.

The way I see it for the OP she is saving money as she now doesn't HAVE to provide, clothing, entertainment, Phone, travel costs etc (unless OP is happy to) but there is no way in gods green earth I think that a 16/17 yr old should pay to live at home. I would just have a frank conversation with her and tell her that NOW is the best time in her life (good enough pay, v little bills/responsibilities) and it would be in her own interest to save as much as possible and if she needs help/motivation in doing so then I would help her.

No but she has to pay for the roof over his head gas electric WiFi and council tax its a lot cheaper to live as one person than funding a second

£250 is hardly cash cow territory

PepsiHoover · 05/09/2021 16:08

I'm wondering how granny knows and how your DS has spun the story to his granny. Perhaps he's been all "woe is me, evil mum is taking my hard earned money". I'm wondering if he's seen granny for a meal ticket and used it to his advantage.

toomuchlaundry · 05/09/2021 16:10

@wedwewerpink maybe OP didn’t think her DH would die and leave her to bring up 2 DC on her own

Darker · 05/09/2021 16:10

£250 a month is hardly rent. It's a contribution to bills and food which the son consumes.

knittingaddict · 05/09/2021 16:17

Children as cash cows?

If only.

Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 16:18

I agree with Darker and the op has said she intends to save half for him, about which he doesn't know. He will be so pleased when she presents him with it.

Original poster

Ilovemarmiteandwine · 05/09/2021 16:30

@wedwewerpink

As I have said in another thread...

I also find it really sad that parents seem to see their dc as a cash cow (for want of a better term) they see them as the ones who entitle them to child benefit/tax credits HOWEVER when that comes to an end they (the parents) then has the audacity to think that the dc should now make up the shortfall.

The way I see it for the OP she is saving money as she now doesn't HAVE to provide, clothing, entertainment, Phone, travel costs etc (unless OP is happy to) but there is no way in gods green earth I think that a 16/17 yr old should pay to live at home. I would just have a frank conversation with her and tell her that NOW is the best time in her life (good enough pay, v little bills/responsibilities) and it would be in her own interest to save as much as possible and if she needs help/motivation in doing so then I would help her.

@wedwewerpinkyou I can honestly assure you that I don’t see my child as a “cash cow.” The hard facts are is that he earns just ever so slightly more than I do, and his “contribution” will go nowhere near towards half the cost of running the house. He will still have over £1k to “play with” every month. Which I can only dream of. His contribution towards the household (half of which will be saved anyway) will teach him that when he goes to Uni he will need to budget for bills/rent/clothes/phone etc etc.

OP posts:

Chickychickydodah · 05/09/2021 16:34

I’d ask how she found out first then have a word with who ever told her.
It’s no one else’s business .

diddl · 05/09/2021 16:37

I can't see how you taking money from him & saving it for him is teaching him any more than Granny bunging him £250 a month.

Take less rent & let him learn for himself how to save!

QueenBee52 · 05/09/2021 16:41

@diddl

I can't see how you taking money from him & saving it for him is teaching him any more than Granny bunging him £250 a month.

Take less rent & let him learn for himself how to save!

I like how you turned an interfering MIL issue into OP's fault...

diddl · 05/09/2021 17:02

"I like how you turned an interfering MIL issue into OP's fault..."

Eh?

Mil can only interfere because she knows the situation.

Presumably Op hasn't told her.

takehomepay · 05/09/2021 17:07

@diddl

I can't see how you taking money from him & saving it for him is teaching him any more than Granny bunging him £250 a month.

Take less rent & let him learn for himself how to save!

Handing over £250 from his wage each month will be a valuable lesson that things need to be paid for.

I paid £250 pm to my mum after uni and now have a mortgage, etc. My sister refused to pay and is still terrible with money.

wedwewerpink · 05/09/2021 17:12

@takehomepay

I paid £250 pm to my mum after uni and now have a mortgage, etc. My sister refused to pay and is still terrible with money

That's great OP I never paid my parents, I contributed with my time and in other ways . I'm great with money and mortgage free in my mid 30's.

wedwewerpink · 05/09/2021 17:13

And yes I left home at 19...

takehomepay · 05/09/2021 17:13

[quote wedwewerpink]@takehomepay

I paid £250 pm to my mum after uni and now have a mortgage, etc. My sister refused to pay and is still terrible with money

That's great OP I never paid my parents, I contributed with my time and in other ways . I'm great with money and mortgage free in my mid 30's.[/quote]
Why are you confused?

HeckyPeck · 05/09/2021 17:21

@wedwewerpink

As I have said in another thread...

I also find it really sad that parents seem to see their dc as a cash cow (for want of a better term) they see them as the ones who entitle them to child benefit/tax credits HOWEVER when that comes to an end they (the parents) then has the audacity to think that the dc should now make up the shortfall.

The way I see it for the OP she is saving money as she now doesn't HAVE to provide, clothing, entertainment, Phone, travel costs etc (unless OP is happy to) but there is no way in gods green earth I think that a 16/17 yr old should pay to live at home. I would just have a frank conversation with her and tell her that NOW is the best time in her life (good enough pay, v little bills/responsibilities) and it would be in her own interest to save as much as possible and if she needs help/motivation in doing so then I would help her.

I find this such a strange point of view.

Someone earning more than their parent shouldn't expect to have to cover their living costs?

billy1966 · 05/09/2021 17:40

@Plumtree391

C

He was foolish to tell her grandmother of your arrangement. That should have stayed between you and him.

He also didn't need to tell you that grandma is prepared to bung him some money regularly! That's between him and her.

Teach your son to keep things strictly confidential. That is a life lesson equal to budgeting.

Saving half of what he gives you each month is an excellent idea.

I would definitely be telling him he needs to learn discretion and I would be stepping away from this woman.

You have put up with enough.

You owe someone who is so critical of you, nothing at this stage.