DC and rent - interfering ex-MIL! WWYD?

[Ilovemarmiteandwine]

DC1 has just finished school and is off to Uni next Sept. He has an excellent gap year opportunity paying in excess of £20k PA. I’ve asked him for monthly rent of £250pcm which will include everything he enjoys now. He and I have discussed it at length and think that’s fair. He doesn’t know, but I’m planning on saving at least half of it for when he starts Uni, plus it will teach him the value of budgeting (and not frittering away your first full time wage on crap which his dear mother did!)
Enter my dear ex—MIL. So as not to drip feed, my DCs dad died when my youngest was a baby. I’ve maintained contact with his family as was their dads wish, even though they disapprove loudly of everything I do or have done in the past. Now the DCs are adults I’ve gone ultra LC with them but the kids stay in touch regularly. Anyway, DC told me this morning that ex-MIL is horrified that I’m making her darling grandchild pay rent and has offered to “make up the shortfall” in his wages! I’m livid…even though my DC are adults I’m being undermined. My thoughts are that this is going to teach him nothing about the adult world and he’s just going to carry on running to his GM for things.
WWYD?
a) persuade DC to decline the offer?
b) Tackle ex-MIL yourself?
c) do nothing, DC is an adult and can make their own decisions.

I would have thought any adult DC earning more than their parent and still living at home would be a bit rubbish if they didn’t even offer to help out financially.

Benefits and tax credits stop, @wedwewerpink because the state assumes that once children leave further education, parents don't need to support them any more. Which seems reasonable when the child is earning £20k! It's only fair that they pay their parents a contribution towards their keep. Anything else seems to be infantilising them, to me, insisting that they are still dependent on you when they are not. Let them grow up!

I will never understand the horror from some posters on threads like this, as if charging your child board is some kind of child abuse. To me your job as a parent is to raise well rounded, responsible, independent adults, and this goes hand in hand with that.

"Handing over £250 from his wage each month will be a valuable lesson that things need to be paid for."

I'm guessing he already knows that things need to be paid for!

I just can't see the point of saving some of it for him to give it back.

@Naunet

I will never understand the horror from some posters on threads like this, as if charging your child board is some kind of child abuse. To me your job as a parent is to raise well rounded, responsible, independent adults, and this goes hand in hand with that.

It really does.

If they live for years at home paying very little and marry from home or move out into a flat with a partner....the shock is going to be huge.

30% of your salary is not unusual to go on housing, sometimes a lot more.

Savings are also best started and encouraged early.

Spending every penny of a good starting salary on luxuries that you can only afford because someone sse is doing the dirty job of paying bills does not do a young adult ANY favours long term.

Making a contribution to the family purse is a sign of maturity, imo. I paid a bit of housekeeping to my mum when working after university, and before then (school or uni holidays) I'd pick up a few groceries or do housework. It made the relationship a fraction more equal and adult.

@toomuchlaundry My plan is to support our DC until they leave university. Once they are working, then I would expect a contribution. In the event that they choose not to get a job and instead laze around all day, then I wouldn't give them a penny.

I also find it really sad that parents seem to see their dc as a cash cow (for want of a better term) they see them as the ones who entitle them to child benefit/tax credits HOWEVER when that comes to an end they (the parents) then has the audacity to think that the dc should now make up the shortfall

What rubbish!

DD has worked from 16 part time from this she pays her car bills insurance and phone contract - she budgets for meals out with her friends and new clothes.

I still contribute clothes shoes and spare cash - but she makes her money go further than my money! And she appreciates it more.

They do learn that money is hard earned easy spend

@diddl

"Handing over £250 from his wage each month will be a valuable lesson that things need to be paid for."

I'm guessing he already knows that things need to be paid for!

I just can't see the point of saving some of it for him to give it back.

Paying for a beer is very different to paying for the cost of less tangential things like a roof over your head.

C) if he’s old enough to pay rent, he’s old enough to make his own decisions.

@wedwewerpink

As I have said in another thread...

I also find it really sad that parents seem to see their dc as a cash cow (for want of a better term) they see them as the ones who entitle them to child benefit/tax credits HOWEVER when that comes to an end they (the parents) then has the audacity to think that the dc should now make up the shortfall.

The way I see it for the OP she is saving money as she now doesn't HAVE to provide, clothing, entertainment, Phone, travel costs etc (unless OP is happy to) but there is no way in gods green earth I think that a 16/17 yr old should pay to live at home. I would just have a frank conversation with her and tell her that NOW is the best time in her life (good enough pay, v little bills/responsibilities) and it would be in her own interest to save as much as possible and if she needs help/motivation in doing so then I would help her.

When would you expect a contribution?

Do you allow your child to be adult in every other way?

Who is to pay for the increase in council tax, the increase in utilities, the increase in food because another adult is living there?

Tell her to butt out

If you are genuinely saving half of it then he will appreciate it, we have started to put DC birthday & Christmas money into a bank account as they don’t need to spend it on toys or games as we spoil them as it is anyway & when they are older they will appreciate it that they have their driving lessons paid for etc

Who is to pay for the increase in council tax, the increase in utilities, the increase in food because another adult is living there?
@Ducksurprise
Why would the utilities increase?
They don't suddenly eat more after their 18th birthday either!
We don't have council tax here do I can't comment on that

But In my opinion it's not up to my dc to make up the shortfall of child benefit/tax credits...that would be mine.

Everyone is aware that they loose that money when their child starts working it's not like it happens out of the blue.

I would expect my dc to work and save and play a role in the family home until they choose to move out for uni etc. No one in my family had lived at home after the age of 23/24 and if they did it was for a brief period before they moved country, changed jobs etc etc

@wedwewerpink the increase in council tax is 25% as the authorities presume an adult living at the property is a wage earner and therefore contributing. Coupled with that, the loss of benefits can result in a more than significant drop in income. If you’re a lower wage earner/single parent then that loss in income could mean you struggle with finances. Why wouldn’t you, in this case, ask your ADULT, wage earning DC to contribute to the family finances? Fair enough if you’re well off and are able to swallow the financial loss easily, thats your decision. But I refuse to be criticised for asking an adult to pay their way (or contribute as it’s really a tiny amount of DCS salary I am asking for) while they live in my home.

@Ilovemarmiteandwine do what suits you, I am just saying that I disagree with it and I wouldn't do it.

Let’s agree to disagree then!

YABU.

No need to spend so much time teaching life lessons - there really is minimal to learn, and seems very conveniently expensive for something in the future that is just adding up for most people - uni students especially.

We will never charge our DD's to live in the family home - they don't really add much cost overall (but is irrelevant) and it's their stable base to get started in life. This is for us to provide; we had children to look after and help them throughout life, not the other way around.

What your child earns and what their other relations decide to give them is none of your business.

If we were speaking about a 30 year old I could understand a little pushing to much more independence, but your DS hasn't anywhere near even finished education yet. You need to be thinking about ensuring you are ready to provide support whilst he is at uni, not taking from him trying to prepare himself.

[quote wedwewerpink]@Ilovemarmiteandwine do what suits you, I am just saying that I disagree with it and I wouldn't do it. [/quote]
Giver you were mortgage free by your early 30s, you may be a bit out of touch with reality.

Well there's nothing I can do about making up the short fall of the loss of tax credit/council tax. I can't work because of his younger brother who has asd never mind work more to cover the short fall

So I'm still paying for his food and the increase in council tax.

There is no way I can afford the almost £400 a month in rent though, he knew this when he decided to get a job and take a gap year. If i could afford to id quite happily have him living here paying just a token amount

@chipsandwine76 in that case you are extremely fortunate that having adult children at home does not cause you to struggle financially and that you would not need to ask them to contribute.
@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall I think a lot of posters on this thread are not aware of their privileged position.

@wedwewerpink

As I have said in another thread...

I also find it really sad that parents seem to see their dc as a cash cow (for want of a better term) they see them as the ones who entitle them to child benefit/tax credits HOWEVER when that comes to an end they (the parents) then has the audacity to think that the dc should now make up the shortfall.

The way I see it for the OP she is saving money as she now doesn't HAVE to provide, clothing, entertainment, Phone, travel costs etc (unless OP is happy to) but there is no way in gods green earth I think that a 16/17 yr old should pay to live at home. I would just have a frank conversation with her and tell her that NOW is the best time in her life (good enough pay, v little bills/responsibilities) and it would be in her own interest to save as much as possible and if she needs help/motivation in doing so then I would help her.

That is one of the biggest lots of shite I've read in a long time.

I'm sure the Op was fucking delighted that her DH died and it entitled her to benefits to help raise her DC. Unlike a divorced parent, dead parent means no maintenance money. And a reduction in council tax.
She may even have been entitled to free school meals for her DC.

The benefit money she'll have recieved would not only go on usual housing costs, but I'm sure it would have gone on food clothing and entertainment

While I'd expect the DC to take on responsibility for their own clothing & entertainment. I'm sure mum will still be paying for food and housing. Surely she shouldn't be out of pocket if the DC is able to pay some of the money she needs to save her loosing money.

@Ilovemarmiteandwine

The change of a date in turning 18 didn't change anything, and when they fully fly the nest so much in life will be missing, but the majority of the costs will remain. They will always be the most welcome guests throughout life, and we will love to host them at any time.

Fortunate? We chose to have children - if we didn't want the long term commitment, we wouldn't have had them.

Will you be trying to take from their student loan when they come home in the holidays from uni? If not, and you know they will have to take out a loan, then every penny you take is essentially just adding to this loan - your are putting your son into greater debt by doing this.

However, I do agree that if we were personally struggling, were living as frugally as possible and couldn't stretch then we may pool resources for a period. It would have to be an absolutely last resort though. In these cases, then MIL's help would be very welcome, and I'd suggest she is stepping in out of the same desire to not burden the next generation and instead support them to be able to make their own way.

Your MIL is right and doing the right thing.

chipsandwine76

There really is a strong rich/poor divide isn’t there? You can sit on your high horse and dictate all you like, not that doesn’t pay the bills or put food on the table.

By all means spoil your children but not expect half the country to be in your privileged position.

Ever thought of becoming an MP?

I think you can tell the families that are reasonably comfortably off and those who aren't on this thread.

@chipsandwine76
yes “we” too chose to have children and accepted the financial commitment but the “we” became “I” when my DH died when my youngest was a baby. One wage earner instead of two. That changes the dynamic significantly, doesn’t it?
And no I will not be taking a penny from my sons student loan. However, while he is earning bloody good money (I don’t know many 18 year olds earning £20k PA!) living under my roof, and benefitting from food, heat, light, wi-fi, Netflix etc all paid for by me, he can contribute. And I think he’s getting a bargain.