DC and rent - interfering ex-MIL! WWYD?

[Ilovemarmiteandwine]

DC1 has just finished school and is off to Uni next Sept. He has an excellent gap year opportunity paying in excess of £20k PA. I’ve asked him for monthly rent of £250pcm which will include everything he enjoys now. He and I have discussed it at length and think that’s fair. He doesn’t know, but I’m planning on saving at least half of it for when he starts Uni, plus it will teach him the value of budgeting (and not frittering away your first full time wage on crap which his dear mother did!)
Enter my dear ex—MIL. So as not to drip feed, my DCs dad died when my youngest was a baby. I’ve maintained contact with his family as was their dads wish, even though they disapprove loudly of everything I do or have done in the past. Now the DCs are adults I’ve gone ultra LC with them but the kids stay in touch regularly. Anyway, DC told me this morning that ex-MIL is horrified that I’m making her darling grandchild pay rent and has offered to “make up the shortfall” in his wages! I’m livid…even though my DC are adults I’m being undermined. My thoughts are that this is going to teach him nothing about the adult world and he’s just going to carry on running to his GM for things.
WWYD?
a) persuade DC to decline the offer?
b) Tackle ex-MIL yourself?
c) do nothing, DC is an adult and can make their own decisions.

I think I'd probably let sleeping dogs lie as far as actually speaking to ex-MiL. But I'd mention to son that he needs to remember that "Nana is getting old and won't always be here to 'bail him out'". Maybe it'll get back to her. 😉

Of course adult children should pay room and board according to their means. Why on earth shouldn't they? It's no different than asking them to pick up after themselves or do some of the house or yard work. It's part of being an adult and a contributing member of a household. You live in a home, you do your part.

Most parents give their kids weekly 'chores' to be done, be it taking out the trash or loading the dishwasher, as well as keeping their rooms tidy. What's the difference in asking them to contribute by defraying some of the costs of running the home? Obviously if they're in dire straits allowances need to be made and the rent should be reasonable based on their income and other expenses.

Our DS2 had to move home due to a health issue and job loss. He's working again and paying us rent, which we are saving. Unfortunately due to the pandemic rents have skyrocketed in our area and reasonable rental inventory is nil. He can't yet afford to move out and if he could, there's no place to move to. But paying us rent is giving him personal dignity as well as building him a bit of a nest egg.

@AcrossthePond55

Poor health and job loss in an area where he can’t afford to rent is not dire Straits? It is in my opinion.

And secondly, you don’t need the money from him, but take it anyway. That is ethically wrong in my opinion. It’s taking advantage of their misfortune.

Third, you’re not actually teaching him to save that nest egg by taking the money off him. You’re doing the saving for him. He’d actually be learning to save if you did not take a penny off him and he had a standing order to transfer £x every pay day to his savings account or lifetime ISA. Why don’t you do this? Don’t you trust him to be able to learn to save on his own?

c. if she is daft enough to pay. let him benefit. help him save it.

To those who don't agree with asking for some money, when does this stop? A 40 year old living at home doesn't pay anything to his retired parents? What age is it appropriate to ask?

Made me this of this peach...
www.msn.com/en-ae/news/other/unemployed-son-41-sues-dubai-based-parents-for-lifelong-financial-support/ar-BB1ewbv0

@334bu

Some people are bringing up families on less than 20k. Of course he should pay rent

I agree with this. £250 is a complete bargain on his salary.

I think sometimes mn forgets that people aren't all living the sort of life where they can afford to let adult children live with them rent free.

I paid my parents £100 a month 40 years ago because they needed the money and why should I have all my money to spend on luxuries while they are struggling.

Your exMIL is interfering and should keep her nose out of your decisions and certainly not pass comment on them to your DC.

However, she is entitled to give her grandchild money if she wants to and he is entitled to accept. That isn’t really any of your business, unfortunately.

I’m also not sure that secretly saving half of the money he gives you to give to him for uni is actually teaching him anything very useful. Other than the fact that you think he can’t be trusted and you expect him not to budget. If you need the money that is an entirely different thing though, I don’t believe parents should be expected to fund their adult children.

Speak to MIL in private , explain your very sensible strategy, and tell her nicely to back off, pipe down and shuddup

Why? A MIL op dispizes offers her child £3K and the above will take that away

Take the money

Smile and wave!

The boys didn’t have a father growing up which meant they didn’t have an additional earning adult

Eh - let her crack on

C - encourage him to save the extra

C

I dont think she has done anything wrong. Just trying to be generous. Id just tell her what you've said here about your intentions.

And secondly, you don’t need the money from him, but take it anyway. That is ethically wrong in my opinion. It’s taking advantage of their misfortune.

If there are two adults each with their own income in a household, why should one of them pay all the costs of housing, in your opinion? Because they're older? Because they're the parent? Because they're better off? If the last, how much better off do they have to be before it's OK for the other to pay nothing?

I can’t understand the judgements from some on parents who charge their children rent. It was very common when I was young-all my contemporaries paid rent to their parents. It was seen as being an adult and contributing from their salaries. Now my daughter has her first big job, I’ve told her I expect her to pay rent. Have supported her all through university years and she has never had to contribute a penny from her jobs working through the holidays. I will save some and give it back - not a surprise but ensuring that savings are made for her to help her when she moves out on top of what she has saved. I’ve also saved money towards a house deposit for her. But I feel it’s essential she learns to budget and that living costs exist now she’s earning an adult salary. She’ll be out earning me in a couple of years!

c

C. but with the following

Counter the MIL's opinion about him paying rent by explaining the value of him learning how to budget from a paycheck by paying rent - show him your bills and explain that in a few years he will also be responsible for budgeting and making his income fit his lifestyle.

Talk to him about Uni costs, and the benefit of saving up for after Uni and how it will help him now to get into the habit of good money management.

Encourage him to save any money he gets from MIL and as much as he can from his wages as well.

Talk him through all the big things that he might need savings for in the future - car, deposits for rent, deposits for buying a house, travel, emergency funds if he's out of work for periods of time. Talk specific figures - that was missing from my upbringing - it's hard for an 18-year-old to appreciate how quickly the next five years are going to go and how useful it would be to be financially strong in their 20s.

@KhalliWhalli

I would have to be literally starving to charge my DC rent. I would love them to stay at home when they go to uni, nothing would make me happier. I can’t imagine taking money from them.

If your children would rather you starve then help towards rent they you have failed as a parent.

Out of interest when do they start, still live at home for nothing at 35/40....?

It’s her money, let him have it and suggest he puts it away for a rainy day but even if he wastes the lot at least it’s not his money he’s wasting. He’s got plenty of time to be sensible later on.

I think it’s a bit much charging an 18 year old rent to live in family home. But it’s your decision. Generally I would go c and if gm does give dc money, suggest he saves it for uni/future.

I think though it is fair enough to tell them to pay for their own phone, driving lessons, entertainment money, etc. if they are working. But that’s not rent.

You are very reasonable to introduce your son to the realities of budgeting, you're equipping him with valuable life skills and teaching him how to become a functioning, responsible adult. I think it's very fair and very practical.

I would go with option C, but have a conversation with your son about this situation. You could present him with some ideas, for example, asking his grandmother to put that money into an ISA in his name to build him up some savings for when he needs them. People are unlikely to be queueing up to hand him money for nothing throughout his life, so I cannot understand why his DG is trying to baby him and undermine you.

@Ducksurprise you have hardly failed as a parent because you are refusing to take their money for “rent” when they are an 18 year old on a gap year. Unless I genuinely would seriously be struggling, I am with pp - would never take money from young adults for rent in the family home (certainly never when they in full time education and I’m obliged to maintain them).

I disagree with children having to pay to love at home as benefits have stopped and obviously your MIL agrees hence her offer.
His choice if he takes the money, he will need it for uni. I don’t think you can intervene and stop it of he chooses to accept her offer.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@AcrossthePond55

Poor health and job loss in an area where he can’t afford to rent is not dire Straits? It is in my opinion.

And secondly, you don’t need the money from him, but take it anyway. That is ethically wrong in my opinion. It’s taking advantage of their misfortune.

Third, you’re not actually teaching him to save that nest egg by taking the money off him. You’re doing the saving for him. He’d actually be learning to save if you did not take a penny off him and he had a standing order to transfer £x every pay day to his savings account or lifetime ISA. Why don’t you do this? Don’t you trust him to be able to learn to save on his own?[/quote]
Poor health and job loss in an area where he can’t afford to rent is not dire Straits? It is in my opinion.

He was not charged anything until he recovered and returned to work. When he was off we fully supported him and met his financial obligations until he was able to do so.

And secondly, you don’t need the money from him, but take it anyway. That is ethically wrong in my opinion. It’s taking advantage of their misfortune.

So a landlord with other financial means shouldn't charge rent to his tenants because he 'doesn't need' the money? An adult is an adult, regardless if they're living in a flat or with their parents. Adults pay their own way when they are able to. And no one 'took advantage' of his misfortune. But by the same token should a landlord offer free accommodation to someone indefinitely, especially when they can again afford the rent?

Third, you’re not actually teaching him to save that nest egg by taking the money off him. You’re doing the saving for him. He’d actually be learning to save if you did not take a penny off him and he had a standing order to transfer £x every pay day to his savings account or lifetime ISA. Why don’t you do this? Don’t you trust him to be able to learn to save on his own?

He is also saving part of his salary independently and is not aware that we are setting the money aside to be used to set up housekeeping when the time comes or in case he faces a large expenditure like a major car repair. He's making enough to pay rent and also save. It's what responsible adults do. You do you with your own children. Mine are both grown and fiscally responsible adults who understand about saving, meeting obligations, and being self-supporting. If the time comes that our situations are reversed (may that day never come), I would fully expect to contribute to their households both financially and physically.