DC and rent - interfering ex-MIL! WWYD?

[Ilovemarmiteandwine]

DC1 has just finished school and is off to Uni next Sept. He has an excellent gap year opportunity paying in excess of £20k PA. I’ve asked him for monthly rent of £250pcm which will include everything he enjoys now. He and I have discussed it at length and think that’s fair. He doesn’t know, but I’m planning on saving at least half of it for when he starts Uni, plus it will teach him the value of budgeting (and not frittering away your first full time wage on crap which his dear mother did!)
Enter my dear ex—MIL. So as not to drip feed, my DCs dad died when my youngest was a baby. I’ve maintained contact with his family as was their dads wish, even though they disapprove loudly of everything I do or have done in the past. Now the DCs are adults I’ve gone ultra LC with them but the kids stay in touch regularly. Anyway, DC told me this morning that ex-MIL is horrified that I’m making her darling grandchild pay rent and has offered to “make up the shortfall” in his wages! I’m livid…even though my DC are adults I’m being undermined. My thoughts are that this is going to teach him nothing about the adult world and he’s just going to carry on running to his GM for things.
WWYD?
a) persuade DC to decline the offer?
b) Tackle ex-MIL yourself?
c) do nothing, DC is an adult and can make their own decisions.

Regardless of what you end up doing I'd still contact her for a chat about this and say, not that it's her business at all you just want to make her aware that things arnt always what they seem and you dislike the spin she's put on this.

You say, actually I was hoping to get him ready to pay bills, and save some money for him.
You have undermined me and that strategy can I ask how you would get him ready for that responsibility?

Don't undermine me again.

Lifetime ISA, the government top it up so a great way to save longer term

My dc paid 20% of their wage as board.. As suggested by them. 1 dc paid 10% and saved the rest for a mortgage.. Agreeable with his siblings...
No such thing as a free ride. Family or not imo!!

I'd have to do B. I was on a low income and also Widowed, as an extension of that my children were always thrifty. At 18 they knew about money management and I encouraged them to take out credit, to build a credit score and have higher lending power when they would need it. So I'd go with helping him budget and save. Unless ex MIL is very wealthy and leaving an inheritance, she won't be around forever. It doesn't matter if you are a high earner, you can still blow the lot and still need to have a good grasp of finances. I had to take a contribution off them when they started earning.

I would certainly charge. I had to pay my parents when I started working while living at home, and pretty much all of my friends paid their parents too. We learned to budget pretty quickly.

I've paid for everything for my DC, since their dad refused to pay anything, and once they have jobs they can pay something towards the costs of living here.

Once a child has reached adult age, they should expect to take on adult responsibilities, and that includes paying bills, so I won't be mollycoddling my kids by continuing to pay for everything.

£250 a month on a £20k salary still leaves a lot of money for doing what they want, even after deductions, and seems reasonable to me.

OP, I'd go for option C, let him deal with this himself. He'll learn eventually, especially if it comes with strings attached and MIL starts making demands.

I'm Option D too, let her give him the money but tell him he needs to save it to help fund his uni.

I'm one who got a chunk of my dig money back in the form of a wedding present. Although I had no idea that was my parents plan. And I saved money by staying at home.

c

but suggest to adult child that it would be a good idea to put this money in a savings fund for uni when he's skint

suggest is all you can do

When you say you discussed “at length”
Presumably because he disagreed?

Again I wouldn’t be charging an 18 year old to live at home. Especially one who will be off to uni next year and will need the money for that.

Ridiculous to call the amount paid in board a "shortfall". He's being paid because just living costs money. Nobody is entitled to a free ride, not once they're adult.

C

He was foolish to tell her grandmother of your arrangement. That should have stayed between you and him.

He also didn't need to tell you that grandma is prepared to bung him some money regularly! That's between him and her.

Teach your son to keep things strictly confidential. That is a life lesson equal to budgeting.

Saving half of what he gives you each month is an excellent idea.

@Payproblems

Regardless of what you end up doing I'd still contact her for a chat about this and say, not that it's her business at all you just want to make her aware that things arnt always what they seem and you dislike the spin she's put on this.

You say, actually I was hoping to get him ready to pay bills, and save some money for him.
You have undermined me and that strategy can I ask how you would get him ready for that responsibility?

Don't undermine me again.

I wouldn't bother. I'd actually see this as a chance for him to build up a fund so that op doesn't have to fund him as much through uni. He knows the cost of living at home. I'd be making sure he now knows that op won't be needing to fund him through uni as he'll have all this extra money from grandmother. At the end of the day granny is doing op a massive favour though granny doesn't realise that . If op brings it to granny's attention she might take back her offer and that just leaves op having to fund more uni costs.

I should add, my parents did not put the money aside to give to me later. They took it as a contribution towards the extra expenses of me living at home. In fact, I don't recall any of my friends getting the money they paid in board back at any time.

No wonder so many people are in debt right now. With parents paying for everything, the kids are blowing money and then failing to learn how to budget. I thought it was odd that there was a suggestion for schools to give lessons on budgeting, but I can see why it's necessary now.

@Marni83 he did at first. We had some interesting discussions about it too. However at that point he didn’t understand what it costs to run a home and also the money I lose in terms of benefits etc now he is an adult. However he does completely understand now.

@Ilovemarmiteandwine

Thanks for the responses. DS is 18 and it’s my opinion that if he is earning a good wage then he should contribute to the household. I like *@BluebellsGreenbells* suggestion he should save for himself. Thank you.

Well if that’s your view, you have to take Option C. You can’t treat him as an adult when it comes to making a contribution to the household, then in the next breath steam in telling his grandmother ‘He’s my child and it’s my decision’. They have an independent relationship and it isn’t your role to step in.

He needs to be saving at least half his wage each month for uni. Have you walked him though uni costs too?

OP I agree with the PP who said about saving half of it in an account to give back to him, it doesn't happen in real life!
Far better take £100 + or the amount that you lose in benefits etc and insist that he saves X amount in an account each month towards his future. Suggest that MIL if she wants could contribute to this account.
He may end up not going to uni if the right opportunties present themselves.
(In our family when they started "big earning" I allowed them 3 months "rent free" to get the mass spending bug out of their system initially)
I think you are being unfair to your MIL she obviously cares for your DC's and this is her way of showing it

I think he is going to be 18 or almost and there is nothing you can do about an agreement between two adults.
I also think that its right for an adult living at home to pay their way. What you, as the landlady, do with the money is up to you.
now for the third "I think" .....what is the Mil like? what is the relationship between your son and her like? because well you can't stop him taking the money or her giving it.....but it might be as well to gently warn him that such gifts can come with strings and he needs to think a bit about whether he will feel indebted to his grandmother and whether she will expect him to and what that debt might entail.......

I'd ask my adult gap year 'child' to contribute....in fact we did ...£100 a month
We did use the money as we are not big earners.
She then carried on saving for herself and would buy coffee n cake now and then for us and cook a meal or two ...she kept her own room clean etc but I did carry on doing laundry etc as it all went in the same basket.
It was a good arrangement and there were no issues.

Further option...

d) increase rent by amount ex MIL is paying ;

@HollowTalk

But we don't know the OP doesn't need the money. She's widowed. She'll lost any tax credits as well as child benefit. Maybe she is struggling? She's just trying to stop her child from wasting his money and helping him to grow up.

It really shocks me how women are supposed to let men live with them rent-free and are castigated for asking adult children to contribute. Are we supposed to fund everyone and just martyr ourselves?

So many on here complain about useless layabout men in their lives... OP is trying to do her best to bring up a rounded male person for the benefit of all. Give him the life lessons....you pay your way as soon as you are able and contribute to family finances.

Do nothing. I also have an awful ex MIL and she does everything she can to push my buttons but I know it annoys her that I don't react to it.

My adult dd still lives at home (saving for deposit) and since she has been working she gives me a contribution towards household expenditure of £50 pw. However I have saved this in a separate account and intend to give her this when she moves out towards deposit / furniture etc (she doesn't know this yet). She also saves herself in an isa and has a fair bit of spends. She is not a high wage earner. IMO it teaches her that she cant live for free.

Warn him that the money will probably come with strings attached and may attract 'official' complications (inheritance tax on gifts for just one example) in the future. Then let him decide. But I can't understand the posters who think you shouldn't charge him board. Don't save the money for him, but make it clear now how much you will be contributing when he goes to Uni, so that he can budget and save for himself this year.

@kitkatsky I think this is my ex-MILs bugbear too