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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC and rent - interfering ex-MIL! WWYD?

223 replies

Ilovemarmiteandwine · 05/09/2021 11:57

DC1 has just finished school and is off to Uni next Sept. He has an excellent gap year opportunity paying in excess of £20k PA. I’ve asked him for monthly rent of £250pcm which will include everything he enjoys now. He and I have discussed it at length and think that’s fair. He doesn’t know, but I’m planning on saving at least half of it for when he starts Uni, plus it will teach him the value of budgeting (and not frittering away your first full time wage on crap which his dear mother did!) Grin
Enter my dear ex—MIL. So as not to drip feed, my DCs dad died when my youngest was a baby. I’ve maintained contact with his family as was their dads wish, even though they disapprove loudly of everything I do or have done in the past. Now the DCs are adults I’ve gone ultra LC with them but the kids stay in touch regularly. Anyway, DC told me this morning that ex-MIL is horrified that I’m making her darling grandchild pay rent and has offered to “make up the shortfall” in his wages! I’m livid…even though my DC are adults I’m being undermined. My thoughts are that this is going to teach him nothing about the adult world and he’s just going to carry on running to his GM for things.
WWYD?
a) persuade DC to decline the offer?
b) Tackle ex-MIL yourself?
c) do nothing, DC is an adult and can make their own decisions.

OP posts:
DifferentHair · 05/09/2021 14:05

C

Can you not see the irony here?

You're on bad terms with MIL because she won't keep her beak out of your adult life. She is trying to change and influence your adult decisions. She is trying to change your relationships with others. She thinks she can overrule and undermine when you make decisions she doesn't agree with. She thinks her values should prevail.

But that's exactly what you are now contemplating doing to your adult child.

You don't get to control who gives him money. Or his relationship with his grandmother. He is an adult, he can manage to observe and navigate that his mother has one set of values around money and his grandmother another. You need to step back OP.

He is in your house so you get to determine rent. You can choose to save it for him. All that is in your control, but you don't get to control the rest and I think he will resent you as the years go on if you don't give him space and respect as an adult to do as will, and make choices you don't agree with.

Freedom includes the freedom to make bad decisions. Respect his choices.

Think of it as good practice for when you are a MIL.

Ducksurprise · 05/09/2021 14:05

@CayrolBaaaskin you've failed if they don't care that you are starving whilst they have loads of money due to living rent free . Seriously what age would you start charging?

DietrichandDiMaggio · 05/09/2021 14:06

@NannyAndJohn

One could also ask why the DC isn't moving into his own place.
Because he is only 18 years old and going to university next year?
Goldbar · 05/09/2021 14:07

Do nothing. Don't interfere between him and MIL beyond suggesting that he saves the money she's giving him.

There won't be many occasions in life when people will come waving "free" money at your DS. He may as well make hay while the sun shines. He sounds like he's a sensible boy so will realise this. If you're on a lowish wage, you probably won't have lots of spare cash to shell out for new laptops when needed, interview suits, rental deposits etc. Young adults can be expensive. Point out to him that there will be many occasions in the next few years when he might be grateful for the money.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/09/2021 14:07

Mine's doing the same and earns nearly £22k. He's paying £400 a month as I've lost all HB due to his wage . He doesn't have a problem with it it's just part of becoming an adult

toomuchlaundry · 05/09/2021 14:09

For those saying they would never charge adult DC rent, is there an age limit as to when you would? What if your DC stayed with you into their late 20s/30s, not for health reasons but because they knew they have a cushy life

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/09/2021 14:12

@Tooembarrassingtomention

Get him to set up a lifetime issue rather than charging rent Mine did this with a help to buy isa. They kept paying in and have £16k with top up at 24

Taking money and giving it back doesn’t teach budgeting. It teaches you that your parents are a money source

This . Its good that you are having discussions with him about his finances and he is engaging in this. He sounds very responsible he got himself a good job for gap year, and I think that the idea of making him pay and then surprising him is patronising and I'm not sure what that's teaching him. Make him responsible for his own savings, that's a better lesson.

If his DGM wants to give him money towards university let him deal with her. Its unfair to turn down help on his behalf, especially if he's agreed to pay rent etc.
She's not ruining your lesson, she's helping her grandson at a time when he will have serious expenses and that's a good thing. If she wants to help him out given that her son his father is no longer there, that's also a good thing and he should just say Yes Please, Thankyou Very Much.
Who knows what hardships are ahead, perhaps he'd be able to put it towards driving lessons/a car right now which might enable him to get a job when he leaves uni. This has been a barrier to finding work for one of my DC, and with the pandemic there is now a huge backlog and they are paying out a fortune in inconvenient trains. Or take part in a uni trip that he would'nt be able to afford otherwise. It won't stop him being responsible about earnings. He'll be learning to pay accomodation and bills in 2nd/3rd year and thereafter. Why do you think he will go off the rails now?

Also it may be better for tax reasons if she gifts him these funds to him now as after 7 years he won't have to pay inheritance tax on this money.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/09/2021 14:17

@toomuchlaundry

For those saying they would never charge adult DC rent, is there an age limit as to when you would? What if your DC stayed with you into their late 20s/30s, not for health reasons but because they knew they have a cushy life
A lot of young people were trapped at home by lockdown. Some had to come home from abroad and none of them knew when it was all going to end. Its hard to take out long term leases when careers/travel plans/flatmates issues are still up in the air. Most of the ones I know are embarrassed by living at home and can't wait to get out once circumstances improve. None of them are limpets as far as I can tell. I think its fair to give them a break whilst they are still establishing themselves, especial with London rents, and I can't ever imagine them wanting to stay on for a "cushy" life with the oldies but I guess if that was the case then it would be something to look in to.
TheSmallAssassin · 05/09/2021 14:21

Can't he start saving in a lifetime ISA and pay rent? It's not like he's going to be short of a few bob! I would hope that my children's sense of fairness would see them happy to pay towards household expenses once they work full time, I wouldn't like to think I have raised freeloaders.

Lockdownbear · 05/09/2021 14:22

Op I really don't see anything wrong with charging rent or dig money. All of my peers paid digs when we were earning.
I even remember kids on YTS money paying digs into the house.

I'd not interfere let MIL give him the money but I'd be encouraging him to save it. The less debt he gets into at Uni the better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/09/2021 14:22

@wedwewerpink

Oh god not another one of these threads. What age is your Ds?I'm with your MIL I wouldn't charge him to live at home, just help him to budget and save. Why should he pay you? He doesn't owe you!
Are you very privileged and/or just wanting to put the boot in?

OP is doing what she thinks is best for her child(ren) and it makes sense to me. She's also the only parent given that her child's father is dead. Her son is in complete agreement with his mum's plan too in case that escaped your notice.

I paid my keep when I was earning and still living at home. It's not a new thing.

And, if you don't like these threads to the extent that they vex you so much, why do you keep clicking on them and posting on them? Or, do you need to make sure that OP knows how much you disagree with her parenting, even if that's not what she's asking?

IWantT0BreakFree · 05/09/2021 14:23

I'd be fairly honest with DC (and with a bit of luck it will get back to grandma).

Essentially, your child is going to get an additional £250 per month handed to him. Excellent news! You just need to take the power out of her attempt to undermine you. I wouldn't tell DC about the intention to save half the money because this is likely to reduce the offer from grandma and if she's chucking her money around then you may as well let her. I'd just reiterate to DC that the money is to cover bills associated with him living in the home, and that the benefits you used to receive (child benefit etc) to help towards his living costs have now stopped. Tell him that you also had hoped the experience of paying a very small contribution would encourage him to get into the habit of budgeting for monthly costs and thinking about the cost of living. DEFINITELY also tell him that it was very inappropriate of his grandmother to involve herself, especially without knowing the ins and outs of the situation, and that it's wrong of her to attempt to undermine you like that. But that you are ultimately pleased that DC will benefit financially from her interference and that you hope he will see it as the brilliant opportunity it is to save some extra money each month.

Throw her under the bloody bus. He's an adult now. You don't have to cover up for her.

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/09/2021 14:24

Do exactly what you planned to do and let MIL splash out for her GC. She will get the benefit in extra visits in her old age/someone to trust with POA. With her son gone, she may have more emotional reliance on her grandson than you realize.

And for those calling £250 a month rent? Seriously? Wherever do you live that the cost of living is so cheap? What about food, electricity, council tax, gas, broadband, insurance etc? Whose labour is it that puts a meal on the table every night?

FWIW, one of mine stayed until 30, and chose not to save their earnings. Their contribution to household bills was steadily increased. When they moved on, they moved into a room with comparable facilities - £800/month not including food!

takehomepay · 05/09/2021 14:27

I agree, let MIL pay. At some point she’ll realise she’s not getting a ride out of you and that it was an expensive attempt.

Eralos · 05/09/2021 14:29

I’d talk to Mil and tell her to back off and explain what and why you’re doing it (not that you should have to)

HalzTangz · 05/09/2021 14:30

I would suggest option D, DC takes money put pays it into a savings account for uni. With that money and the money you save for him that should tide him over nicely for the first year or two

toomuchlaundry · 05/09/2021 14:31

Will you have to pay any contributions when he goes to Uni? I would also be having a conversation that the loans he will get will probably pay the bare minimum once paid for housing, and that the money he gets from GM will be very helpful to fund uni and not put too much financial pressure on you.

Boredhimtodeath · 05/09/2021 14:32

If I was earning 20k and still living at home with my Mum I would be earning more than her - she works full time, why wouldn’t I contribute?

All these people saying they just couldn’t ask don’t know how lucky they are to be in that position.

When my granddad died at 80 he was worried about his 50 year old son that had never had to deal with rent/bills as he had never paid any because he had sponged all of his life. He genuinely didn’t have a clue what to do to be an adult - I know this is extreme but he had no SN or anything, just too protected by my Grandma.

Boredhimtodeath · 05/09/2021 14:33

Also forgot to add. I would encourage him to save it independently for uni now he is aware of the costs of living.

SeasonFinale · 05/09/2021 14:34

@NannyAndJohn

One could also ask why the DC isn't moving into his own place.
Because it is a gap year and then he will be off to uni.
JudgeJudyRocks · 05/09/2021 14:35

A & B

HalzTangz · 05/09/2021 14:35

@wedwewerpink

Oh god not another one of these threads. What age is your Ds?I'm with your MIL I wouldn't charge him to live at home, just help him to budget and save. Why should he pay you? He doesn't owe you!
I don't get why people like you have this mindset. Living costs money, food, gas, electric, internet, clothes, mobile phone. Parents aren't endless money pits, once a child reaches an age to start working they should chip into the family expenses pot. I wouldn't charge my adult daughter whilst she was out of work or studying, but I do whilst she is working, and a portion of that is going into an ISA which will help her buy her first property.
takehomepay · 05/09/2021 14:37

@wedwewerpink

Oh god not another one of these threads. What age is your Ds?I'm with your MIL I wouldn't charge him to live at home, just help him to budget and save. Why should he pay you? He doesn't owe you!
She IS helping him to budget and save FFS.
MrsIsobelCrawley · 05/09/2021 14:45

What a kind offer of your ex-MIL to make up the shortfall.

You really should take the opportunity to up the contribution to £1,000 pcm - still a very reasonable amount - seeing as your ex-MIL is happy to make up the shortfall. This would allow you to put quite a bit away in a savings account for your DC.

badg3r · 05/09/2021 14:52

Or E tell you exMIL you are very grateful for the offer to contribute towards DS upkeep and she can just transfer the money straight to you to save it going through DS 😜