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Original poster

DC and rent - interfering ex-MIL! WWYD?

223 replies

Ilovemarmiteandwine · 05/09/2021 11:57

DC1 has just finished school and is off to Uni next Sept. He has an excellent gap year opportunity paying in excess of £20k PA. I’ve asked him for monthly rent of £250pcm which will include everything he enjoys now. He and I have discussed it at length and think that’s fair. He doesn’t know, but I’m planning on saving at least half of it for when he starts Uni, plus it will teach him the value of budgeting (and not frittering away your first full time wage on crap which his dear mother did!) Grin
Enter my dear ex—MIL. So as not to drip feed, my DCs dad died when my youngest was a baby. I’ve maintained contact with his family as was their dads wish, even though they disapprove loudly of everything I do or have done in the past. Now the DCs are adults I’ve gone ultra LC with them but the kids stay in touch regularly. Anyway, DC told me this morning that ex-MIL is horrified that I’m making her darling grandchild pay rent and has offered to “make up the shortfall” in his wages! I’m livid…even though my DC are adults I’m being undermined. My thoughts are that this is going to teach him nothing about the adult world and he’s just going to carry on running to his GM for things.
WWYD?
a) persuade DC to decline the offer?
b) Tackle ex-MIL yourself?
c) do nothing, DC is an adult and can make their own decisions.

OP posts:
FortniteBoysMum · 05/09/2021 23:00

Option D be straight with him and say his paying you half that amount and the other half will be going in an account to help support him through uni. However if granny is helping him out you think the full amount from granny goes in savings for uni. He will need to budget as a student so the more he saves the better. Let granny make up the funds if she insists. Just advice it goes in savings else you will keep the full 250 for his upkeep. If he cannot save himself and spends all his income why should you put money away for his future.

Shadedog · 05/09/2021 23:04

C - he’s a working adult, you can’t tell him he’s not allowed money from his granny. There relationship is separate from yours. I have one off to uni next year and one the year after. I’d be over the moon if dm or dmil decided to gift them £3k.

I would expect a contribution towards food from a working adult but I’m another one who doesn’t “get” taking keep then doling it back as a surprise. Saving is a really important skill and if they haven’t learned it by 18 ( and I appreciate not everyone has) then it can be encouraged, even to the extent of helping them set up a dd to a savings account or isa, rather than literally doing it for them like they’re infants.

GetMeOut22 · 05/09/2021 23:29

C. And for info, my parents paid for EVERYTHING while at uni. Everything, I wasn’t allowed to work at all nor receive any student loans under my student visa. I am very good with money, very responsible and a good saver. I learnt all that at home before I turned 18. I’m not saying you should be paying for him as he’s earning etc but I don’t think he needs to be taught a lesson just for the sake of it. So he’ll have an easy time being subsidized by his grandma. So what? He’s clearly a smart kid for getting that internship. And parents usually want their kids to have it easier than they did, no?

Lockdownbear · 05/09/2021 23:50

[quote Ilovemarmiteandwine]@chipsandwine76
yes “we” too chose to have children and accepted the financial commitment but the “we” became “I” when my DH died when my youngest was a baby. One wage earner instead of two. That changes the dynamic significantly, doesn’t it?
And no I will not be taking a penny from my sons student loan. However, while he is earning bloody good money (I don’t know many 18 year olds earning £20k PA!) living under my roof, and benefitting from food, heat, light, wi-fi, Netflix etc all paid for by me, he can contribute. And I think he’s getting a bargain.[/quote]
I think so too, even if you aren't able to give him it all back in the form of support at uni.

There is definitely posters on here who don't understand that not everyone can support adult kids to that extent.

I'm also slightly amused by Granny deciding to top up his earnings, I bet she never topped up when you were raising kids alone. Logically it would make more sense for her to help pay his accommodation in a years time. But that's another argument.

PurpleOkapi · 06/09/2021 00:07

I would do nothing at all regarding MIL. She's his grandmother, he's an adult, and the two of them can deal with each other however they like. If he's old enough for you to charge him rent, he's too old for her "undermining" you to be a valid complaint.

As for your plan for DS's rent, you forcing him to give you money so that you can (unknown to him) save it for him doesn't teach him about financial responsibility or the importance of saving. If anything, it does the opposite. The less ready cash he has, the harder it will be for him to save any of it of his own free will, which is what he needs to be learning to do right now. If he misjudges something and ends up in a pinch, you saving the day because you weren't really taking his money, you were just setting it aside to protect it from his own bad judgment, will just teach him to rely on others protecting him from himself in the future.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 06/09/2021 00:09

@Ilovemarmiteandwine no they dont, they are very lucky

My dad died when my mum was in her mid 30s, me and my sister were older than your dc . I was 16 and my sister was 12 . When we started work , me on an apprenticeship and dsis as a trainee nurse we both paid a small amount of board that increased as we earnt more. Mum gave both of us some of it back when we moved out. It didn't take back from the fact that we paid our way when living with my mum it was just a lovely gesture.

I don't know how it is losing a parent as a very young child but with us there was a fair amount of shock and trauma and my mum was absolutely fantastic, her main priority was always us. Probably to the determent of herself at times. I'm sure over the years it's been the same with you and your dc. My mum couldn't advance in the work place for example while my sister was young. She needed to be at home far more even though my sister was a teen than she would have done if our dad hadn't have died, her life revolved around us and making sure we were ok.

Out of interest all those of you who haven't had adult dc pay board , when they moved out did you buy them anything for their house? Did you have any saving accounts for them etc ?

Seesawmummadaw · 06/09/2021 00:20

He’s an adult. Let him work it out. He might accept granny’s money, he might not. He might be sensible and save it, he might not. It’s all part of growing up.

Fwiw, I think you are doing the right thing by charging ‘board’.

Seesawmummadaw · 06/09/2021 00:23

‘Out of interest all those of you who haven't had adult dc pay board , when they moved out did you buy them anything for their house? Did you have any saving accounts for them etc’

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall I didn’t charge anything but I did buy things for them. No savings. But both were on a low wage and did a lot around the house. I’m definitely for adult dc paying (see previous post) but it wasn’t right for us.

WomanStanleyWoman · 06/09/2021 01:13

I like how you turned an interfering MIL issue into OP's fault...

There is no ‘ interfering MIL’. There is a grandmother having a relationship with her adult grandson. OP has zero right to be involved here. She decided her son was an adult when she started charging him rent; she can’t suddenly decide he’s a child again when she doesn’t like his grandmother’s decisions.

WomanStanleyWoman · 06/09/2021 01:16

Although I have to say, as much as I disagree with the OP trying to decide what her son’s grandmother does financially, I don’t really understand why so many posters are up in arms at the idea of her charging her son rent. She hasn’t asked for anyone’s opinion on this; she’s just doing it. You’re all answering a question nobody asked.

takehomepay · 06/09/2021 01:23

@WomanStanleyWoman

I like how you turned an interfering MIL issue into OP's fault...

There is no ‘ interfering MIL’. There is a grandmother having a relationship with her adult grandson. OP has zero right to be involved here. She decided her son was an adult when she started charging him rent; she can’t suddenly decide he’s a child again when she doesn’t like his grandmother’s decisions.

Equally the MIL has zero right to cast judgement on OP, which is exactly what she has done.
Darbysmama · 06/09/2021 01:23

As others have stated, I would talk to her and explain that the rent charge isn’t about money. It’s about teaching real world responsibilities and understanding finances. I would suggest that if she wants to contribute that she can set up a savings fund for him for school. And I’d have a chat with DC about trying to involve grandma in the first place.

WomanStanleyWoman · 06/09/2021 01:44

Equally the MIL has zero right to cast judgement on OP, which is exactly what she has done.

You can’t stop people judging other people, as much as you might like to. The grandmother has chosen to give her adult grandson a sum of money it’s no one else’s business.

WomanStanleyWoman · 06/09/2021 01:46

@Darbysmama

As others have stated, I would talk to her and explain that the rent charge isn’t about money. It’s about teaching real world responsibilities and understanding finances. I would suggest that if she wants to contribute that she can set up a savings fund for him for school. And I’d have a chat with DC about trying to involve grandma in the first place.
‘DC’ is an adult.
RAOK · 06/09/2021 01:52

I would suggest to your son that he saves Granny’s money for uni and use the board money from your son to treat yourself from time to time instead!

Lockdownbear · 06/09/2021 07:30

@RAOK

I would suggest to your son that he saves Granny’s money for uni and use the board money from your son to treat yourself from time to time instead!
That sounds like a good plan to me!

Seriously Op don't feel guilty at using some of his dig money for yourself or some of the bills.

Supporting 3 people on one wage really can't have been easy, you've done a fab job raising your kids.

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/09/2021 07:34

I would charge rent too and do what your are planning.
I can understand, having lost her son, why your MIL indulges his child, I probably would too.

If your son agrees with you, could he explain to his grandmother why he doesn’t need the help, appreciated though the offer is. Far less likely to offend if he deals with it.

Pottedpalm · 06/09/2021 07:50

[quote Ilovemarmiteandwine]@chipsandwine76
yes “we” too chose to have children and accepted the financial commitment but the “we” became “I” when my DH died when my youngest was a baby. One wage earner instead of two. That changes the dynamic significantly, doesn’t it?
And no I will not be taking a penny from my sons student loan. However, while he is earning bloody good money (I don’t know many 18 year olds earning £20k PA!) living under my roof, and benefitting from food, heat, light, wi-fi, Netflix etc all paid for by me, he can contribute. And I think he’s getting a bargain.[/quote]
I agree! And it sounds as though you have done a bloody good job and raised a decent young man. He could have accepted money from his grandmother without telling you. I say let her give him the money but encourage him to put it straight into an ISA.

CecilyP · 06/09/2021 08:03

I'm also slightly amused by Granny deciding to top up his earnings, I bet she never topped up when you were raising kids alone. Logically it would make more sense for her to help pay his accommodation in a years time. But that's another argument.

That’s the thing. He is now on good money for his age. Many people run a home paying rent/mortgage, all bills and food on similar, so what you’re charging will still leave him plenty of money for enjoyment. I’m also wondering if MIL gave him that level of pocket money when he was at school - if not, she is making a point and not a particularly nice one. However, I would still go with option C, if she wants to give him money that’s up to her - if it’s the time in his life when he least needs it, I hope hes sensible and saves it for when he does need it.

takehomepay · 06/09/2021 08:04

@WomanStanleyWoman

Equally the MIL has zero right to cast judgement on OP, which is exactly what she has done.

You can’t stop people judging other people, as much as you might like to. The grandmother has chosen to give her adult grandson a sum of money it’s no one else’s business.

No, but you should keep it to yourself.
Penistoe · 06/09/2021 08:10

I don’t get these threads why wouldn’t a adult working full time pay his way. How long do people continue paying for these adults, considering many are remaining in the family home for longer do they get a free ride? How do you encourage kids to progress in the world of work and earn more if they get a free ride!

TurquoiseDragon · 06/09/2021 12:10

@Candleinthebreeze

I find it amazing that anyone would charge kids rent.

I couldn’t do it, just couldn’t. Yes ok if they were lounging around the house all day being lazy, but if they’re working, leading normal lives, I’d rather teach them and trust them, than take their money away.

Feels totally wrong to me

OK, what if your kid was earning more than you while living at home? Why would you starve yourself and not ask for a fair contribution to household expenses?

Any adult member of a household, who is earning money, should be paying towards household expenses.

This young man is now earning £20,000. Many people are earning close to that amount and having to pay all the bills. My own salary is not much higher (but I have a chance of a decent promotion very soon) and I am a single parent. I would most definitely expect a fair contribution from my children once they are earning.

takehomepay · 06/09/2021 12:15

Exactly @TurquoiseDragon. OP says she earns little more than £20k herself. It makes no sense for her son also earning £20k not to contribute.

Some people are looking at this through the prism of their middle class comfort, they can't seem to understand that on a low income, every earning adult's wage is often needed to for rent/bills/food.

And yet we're somehow expected to laud those people as being so generous.

Lockdownbear · 06/09/2021 12:18

Mumsnet is a really weird place at times. There is another thread where a woman moving into her partners house people are saying not only should she be splitting bills she should be paying rent or a half the capital repayment part of the mortgage.

Op is absolutely doing the right thing and should have no doubts about that. There is always that fear with kids getting so much money is that he gets used to it and decides not to pursue the skint years at uni.

TillyTopper · 06/09/2021 12:22

Personally I'd never charge my kids to live here unless I was really on my last shilling - it's our family home! However, I'd say C - just tell him to save it for uni funds!