Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC and rent - interfering ex-MIL! WWYD?

223 replies

Ilovemarmiteandwine · 05/09/2021 11:57

DC1 has just finished school and is off to Uni next Sept. He has an excellent gap year opportunity paying in excess of £20k PA. I’ve asked him for monthly rent of £250pcm which will include everything he enjoys now. He and I have discussed it at length and think that’s fair. He doesn’t know, but I’m planning on saving at least half of it for when he starts Uni, plus it will teach him the value of budgeting (and not frittering away your first full time wage on crap which his dear mother did!) Grin
Enter my dear ex—MIL. So as not to drip feed, my DCs dad died when my youngest was a baby. I’ve maintained contact with his family as was their dads wish, even though they disapprove loudly of everything I do or have done in the past. Now the DCs are adults I’ve gone ultra LC with them but the kids stay in touch regularly. Anyway, DC told me this morning that ex-MIL is horrified that I’m making her darling grandchild pay rent and has offered to “make up the shortfall” in his wages! I’m livid…even though my DC are adults I’m being undermined. My thoughts are that this is going to teach him nothing about the adult world and he’s just going to carry on running to his GM for things.
WWYD?
a) persuade DC to decline the offer?
b) Tackle ex-MIL yourself?
c) do nothing, DC is an adult and can make their own decisions.

OP posts:
Itllbeaninterestingchristmas · 05/09/2021 12:54

I would explain to your MIL what you are doing and suggest she also puts £250 a month aside because if he can get through uni with a minimum amount of debt it will help him in the long run.
My parents did similar for us

CatMandarin · 05/09/2021 12:58

She might be trying to get a rise out of you. In which case ignore and let her get on with it

Givemethatknife · 05/09/2021 13:00

C) for sure. It’s up to her if she wants to do that. If it comes with strings that’s a life lesson for him. He’s a near adult, you need to step back from him, and stop being pulled into your past.

Ozanj · 05/09/2021 13:00

Your ex-mil lost her DS in the worst way. I think she has every right to want to spoil your GS as she sees fit and he has every right to run to her whenever he wants to moan about you. That’s the sign of a great gp relationship. You just crack on and do what you need to, but don’t begrudge her this.

minimecantrollerskate · 05/09/2021 13:00

OP you are doing the right thing, you are providing him with a low cost place to live. The alternative of moving out and providing fully for himself, would cost him a lot more.

£20K is a good wage to live off while living at home. Some PP never seem to understand that others might not have as much money as them.

My friend's son earns more than she does, why shouldn't he pay to live at home? It enables him to save money towards a house, which he couldn't have done if he was out paying market rent and bills/food etc.

All benefits and maintenance stop once they are 18, plus the CT discount stops for single persons.

Regarding the post OP about the GP money, it is difficult, he is 18 and therefore needs to make his own decision on this. Just put it aside, and don't treat it as any reflection on yourself. They can afford it, you can't , end of.

QueenBee52 · 05/09/2021 13:02

If MIL is making up any shortfall then INCREASE his Rent... make it £500 a month... 🤣

See if she's so keen to make up the shortfall then... if she does then increase it to £750...

until she stops...

if she doesn't then you can Save a huge amount for him for next year ... 😂

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/09/2021 13:03

@Tooembarrassingtomention

Get him to set up a lifetime issue rather than charging rent Mine did this with a help to buy isa. They kept paying in and have £16k with top up at 24

Taking money and giving it back doesn’t teach budgeting. It teaches you that your parents are a money source

This^

Also, why are you calling the GM “ex-MIL” when you are a widow? She’s still your MIL surely?

Finally, let GM give your DC the 250pcm, just encourage them to put it in a lifetime ISA or other savings,

Cyberattack · 05/09/2021 13:03

C
Your son is an adult and his grandmother can do what she likes with her money.
Sounds like you don't like her very much. Most people would be delighted that a grandparent was taking so much interest.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/09/2021 13:04

Your MIL is wet.

I totally agree with you on the rent-charging issue - it's another life lesson, like doing chores and so on.

I don't agree with charging rent while they are not working, or are in full time education and having a weekend job only - but FT work for however long = pay rent.

When I was taking in lodgers in the UK the ones I refused to take in were 1st time home leavers, especially males, mostly because they would be likely to be completely untrained at looking after themselves and expect all the "housework" to be done by the female (me). I had secondhand experience of this with another friend who had been taking in lodgers longer than I had - all the first time male home leavers she had were a nightmare. I emphasis the "first time homeleavers" because all the other lodgers I had, who were also male, were absolutely fine at doing their own cleaning, laundry, etc.

It's an excellent life skill to teach them.

As to your choices - I would talk to MIL and explain that you are teaching him an invaluable life skill and she is not doing him any favours. He's entering the adult world now and her interference at this stage will reduce his self-sufficiency and increase his sense of entitledment in life.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/09/2021 13:05

@Itllbeaninterestingchristmas

I would explain to your MIL what you are doing and suggest she also puts £250 a month aside because if he can get through uni with a minimum amount of debt it will help him in the long run. My parents did similar for us
And actually THIS is also a really good idea - if she's so desperate to give him the money then saving it FOR him is an excellent plan, rather than funding him to fritter it away.
RedHelenB · 05/09/2021 13:08

C. He's an adult.

Wiredforsound · 05/09/2021 13:08

Haha! Well done him on finagling cash out of his grandmother. It matters not one jot what she thinks of you so encourage him to take it and save it for next year. You have fulfilled your husband’s request and can step right away from that relationship now. I completely agree that if he is earning enough he should be contributing to the household. That’s a fair and a responsible thing to do. If you want to give him some back then great but you should be under no obligation to do so. He’s an adult and has no need to be mollycoddled or patronised when he is clearly earning enough to support himself independently.

KhalliWhalli · 05/09/2021 13:11

I would have to be literally starving to charge my DC rent. I would love them to stay at home when they go to uni, nothing would make me happier. I can’t imagine taking money from them.

Original poster
Ilovemarmiteandwine · 05/09/2021 13:12

@Cyberattack

C Your son is an adult and his grandmother can do what she likes with her money. Sounds like you don't like her very much. Most people would be delighted that a grandparent was taking so much interest.
She has said some evil and unforgivable things about me to the DC. So no, I dont like her. In fact I despise her. However I maintained contact with her for the DCs benefit as was her sons wish. The DC now maintain that contact themselves.
OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 05/09/2021 13:17

@QueenBee52

If MIL is making up any shortfall then INCREASE his Rent... make it £500 a month... 🤣

See if she's so keen to make up the shortfall then... if she does then increase it to £750...

until she stops...

if she doesn't then you can Save a huge amount for him for next year ... 😂

Please do this Op!
PaulGallico · 05/09/2021 13:17

Can I ask what he is doing in his gap year? 20k plus straight from sixth form is very good.

334bu · 05/09/2021 13:18

Some people are bringing up families on less than 20k. Of course he should pay rent

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/09/2021 13:20

How did his conversation with MIL come about? Is there a chance that he's agreed to the payment to your face and then whinged to her about it?

Gross pay of £20,000 is take home of just over £1,400 per month. So his contribution of £250 still leaves him with £1,150 to spend as he wishes. You're hardly demanding the shirt off his back. I'd dig into how the MIL's comments have come about.

2bazookas · 05/09/2021 13:20

Speak to MIL in private , explain your very sensible strategy, and tell her nicely to back off, pipe down and shuddup.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/09/2021 13:22

@KhalliWhalli

I would have to be literally starving to charge my DC rent. I would love them to stay at home when they go to uni, nothing would make me happier. I can’t imagine taking money from them.
Me too. And all my DC have independently learned to budget and save without my taking money off them. So the idea that it is prevent a DC from going hog wild and spending every penny on luxury items is based on fear more than reality.
Original poster
Ilovemarmiteandwine · 05/09/2021 13:22

@PaulGallico he’s doing an internship for a company he did work experience for while at school. His experience clearly paid off I’m delighted for him.

OP posts:
Candleinthebreeze · 05/09/2021 13:23

I find it amazing that anyone would charge kids rent.

I couldn’t do it, just couldn’t. Yes ok if they were lounging around the house all day being lazy, but if they’re working, leading normal lives, I’d rather teach them and trust them, than take their money away.

Feels totally wrong to me

knittingaddict · 05/09/2021 13:23

@wedwewerpink

Oh god not another one of these threads. What age is your Ds?I'm with your MIL I wouldn't charge him to live at home, just help him to budget and save. Why should he pay you? He doesn't owe you!
Oh god not another one of these posts.

Just in case it wasn't clear, I disagree with you.

I think it's good for adult children to pay their way to some extent. Our daughter paid while she was working, we supplimented her uni loan by considerably more than she had ever paid in rent and she paid nothing post uni because she was saving to move out, which she did. If she hadn't been planning to move out fairly quickly then we would have charged her "rent" post uni.

I don't think it's always helpful to call it rent as it's more like contributing to household costs where you live. If you have a full time job and are an adult then it's only fair to cover some of the costs of living.

To those who don't agree with asking for some money, when does this stop? A 40 year old living at home doesn't pay anything to his retired parents? What age is it appropriate to ask?

Original poster
Ilovemarmiteandwine · 05/09/2021 13:24

@334bu

Some people are bringing up families on less than 20k. Of course he should pay rent
Thank you. I only earn slightly more than he does. I brought two children up on one wage.
OP posts:
PaulGallico · 05/09/2021 13:28

Getting a 20k plus internship straight from school (to fund a gap year) is the most interesting thing about this thread.