To be upset that MIL lives on same street and hardly sees DC

[3plantpots]

I’m really starting to struggle to hold my tongue on this with my DH and others and pretend it’s all fine when it’s not really.

My DC’s GPs live 5 minutes walking distance from us if that, yet have never once offered to take them out, have a sleepover, have them for an evening so we can go out etc. They see them once every 1 -2 weeks, best we get is sometimes for tea. MIL is retired. I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do. I give lots of notice. Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more, no ‘don’t rush back’ or ‘I’ll keep them until bed time’. Now I know my MIL is entitled to do what she wants with her time and I obviously can’t make anyone do anything, but am I BU to be a bit upset by this?

I find it worst when people pass comment on what lovely children they are, polite etc, and that MIL must love having them so close/seeing them all the time etc. I have to sort of smile and gloss over it then feel very embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have and they see very little of them. AIBU?

YANBU. Could you move closer to your own family?

I would stop using MIL for babysitting. Just ignore PIL.

PIL is still busy with work, so it feels a little less hurtful on his side tbh than with MIL.

And unfortunately no we can’t move

YABU - why should MIL take on your childcare responsibilities?

But why shouldn’t she be busy or have something else to do?

Why is down to your mil to host your dc and have them sleepover both sets of grandparents don't have my dc for sleepover. Your fil still works they might enjoy their time when he's off. You choose to have children not your mil

Stop pretending they do help to other people. Just politely say they don’t help. They’re too busy. Not to shame them into helping, but just to be clear with the state of events.
They’re selfish and I’m sure your children will be fine without them in their lives. I understand it seems worse that they live up the road

Op, you’ll get everyone piling in saying it’s not for grandparents to look after kids.
But that’s not the point.
The point is you want them to CARE.
I’ve got friends with doting grandparents who help loads, love their grand kids, and the added value to the kid’s lives is extraordinary.
So I get it! It would be nice if they cared more.

More fool her, it is her losing out.

Also, what goes around comes around and you get out what you out in, they won't be rushing to visit her when she is old.

Well, at least she won’t be annoying you by turning up uninvited, buying too many presents, demanding to have the DC overnight, or any of the other ‘crimes’ mothers in law are found guilty of on here.

I would just pretend they don’t live there. What’s your support network like, do you have friends nearby?

As someone who has a MIL we haven’t seen since 2018 because she never shows any interest in seeing us or our young DC (and my own mum lives 3 hours away) I think YA being a bit U. She doesn’t owe you childcare - your DC see her frequently, she lives locally, and does occasionally look after them. That’s nice for them.

We have no family at all living locally and have had to pay for every single hour our DC aren’t with us (apart from school) since they were born. Nursery, breakfast club, after school club, holiday clubs. I take time off work while they’re at nursery/school if I have an appointment. I do feel a pang of envy sometimes that others do have the option of childcare with family, but not all grandparents want to have their grandkids round as much as others do

Maybe she just doesn’t want to look after young children? That’s perfectly fine and acceptable imo.

Also totally fine and acceptable to tell people they don’t babysit. Why do you feel embarrassed by that? Do you think it reflects poorly on you or your D.C.? I can’t see how it might.

@3plantpots I don't understand gp's that could have a wonderful, close relationship with dgc but cba.
Unfortunately your mil can do as she pleases including refusing to help.

My MIL is the same. She moans to DH about being lonely but has never offered to have dc over. She has looked after them 3 times in nine years and it was for less an an hour each time. The dc don’t know her and she hasn’t formed any sort of relationship with them.
They’re nice to be around and it’s her loss.

Your focus seems to be only on the childcare rather than any concerns about the relationship.

Do you go to see her? Do your family offer them help wihh things?

Yabu. Its your choice to have children, you have no right to demand her or anyone to spend more time doing what you think they should be doing ergo with your children and how much time they should spend with them.

You say they are busy well reapect that. They are living their lives after raising their children for best part of 18yrs and enjoying having their own time. Every 1-2 weeks is fine of it was say once 3 months then maybe.

You might disagree but this all but you can't demand more.

You’ll have plenty of people make the comments about “why should they do your childcare”. In reality, helping each other out is what loving families do. Most grandparents enjoy their grandchildren and it’s not a chore (unless they’re relied on too heavily). Of course your sad that your in laws don’t seem to want to spend time with your kids.

I guess the only question I would ask is if you ever ask them to spend time for fun eg meals out or visits to you or is it only ever for a favour? Are they only ever asked to be involved in family life when it assists you in some way? And do you ever offer to help them out in return?

Just tell people the truth

Sadly they don’t see their grandparents often even those they live 5 minutes away, it’s the grand parents choice

And leg5 it at that

My MIL helps me quite a lot but she is def not confortable with sleepovers - prob will never happen. And normally I do help her as well and visit her often, so that her help is sort of diluted in nice things and she feels how grateful I am.

I find it really strange adults view their parents and in laws as childcare providers. Why shouldn’t they have their own life and interests once they have raised their own children. It’s perfectly possible to love grandchildren whilst not being the on tap free childcare.

You need to find some regular babysitters, not PIL, they're never going to do what you want.

My dad lives 1 mile away from me and my 4 children. He hasn't spoken to them or even sent a card in 2 years. At first I was sad but now I'm a mixture of indifferent and angry. As soon as his wife's daughters baby was born my kids were dumped like hot coal which is incredibly sad for my oldest 2 (teens) who had a great relationship with him. The youngest 2 don't really know any different.

Try not to let it bother you. Only bother with her if she bothers with you. I'm a single parent studying and working with absolutely ZERO support from anyone, it's not easy but the kids are my own responsibility so I can't hold any grudges (except with the father!)

Yanbu but try not to feel hurt.
Perhaps they feel when the dc are older they would be easier to manage ?
I don't know their reason but let them get on with it they are missing out and will probably regret it.🌻

Do you ever involve her in the fun times? Have her over for dinner at yours, say "Nana, we are making cookies, do you want to come and play?". Take her away with you for the weekend? Tell her you are all going to the beach/for a walk, will meet her in a cafe.
Or do you just want to treat her as unpaid childcare.
You might examine how she feels.