To be upset that MIL lives on same street and hardly sees DC

[3plantpots]

I’m really starting to struggle to hold my tongue on this with my DH and others and pretend it’s all fine when it’s not really.

My DC’s GPs live 5 minutes walking distance from us if that, yet have never once offered to take them out, have a sleepover, have them for an evening so we can go out etc. They see them once every 1 -2 weeks, best we get is sometimes for tea. MIL is retired. I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do. I give lots of notice. Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more, no ‘don’t rush back’ or ‘I’ll keep them until bed time’. Now I know my MIL is entitled to do what she wants with her time and I obviously can’t make anyone do anything, but am I BU to be a bit upset by this?

I find it worst when people pass comment on what lovely children they are, polite etc, and that MIL must love having them so close/seeing them all the time etc. I have to sort of smile and gloss over it then feel very embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have and they see very little of them. AIBU?

OP I think you should direct some of your anger/disappointment towards your own mother. If she is so hands on and 'a martyr' why is she not offering to come and stay with you every so often for a few days to provide the plentiful free childcare that she got? How often does she take the dgc for weekends to bond with them and give you a break? I'm very surprised she hasn't offered to move to provide the care that she is seemingly so discusted about that your ILs aren't providing.

^*Yabu. Its your choice to have children, you have no right to demand her or anyone to spend more time doing what you think they should be doing ergo with your children and how much time they should spend with them.

You say they are busy well reapect that. They are living their lives after raising their children for best part of 18yrs and enjoying having their own time. Every 1-2 weeks is fine of it was say once 3 months then maybe.

You might disagree but this all but you can't demand more.*^
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This.

Yanbu OP, its really hurtful. They basically don't care or dont care "much". Happy to see grandchildren at fixed times like mine but its not an ebb and flow relationship. My husband is asian and cant understand why our kids dont see my parents more regularly despite living in the same town. When they do see them its very much on their terms and they wont step in if I need help like if im exhausted and need a break. Its like "ill see DS1 on Tuesday at 11am but can you collect him at 1pm as ive got a hair appointment at 2.. and these various appointments seem to be spread out every day during the week. The rest of the time my mum spends walking with friends, going for coffee or going swimming. I understand they have their own time but this week i could have done with just one break from my toddler. 2 older kids were at camps some days but i never got any time alone as 3 year old was with me all the time. I know my mum has her own choice but it hurts she doesnt want to have a relationship with her grandchildren. Shes only interested in DS1 and avoids having the other 2. Younger 2 are both easy to look after btw. Sorry for diverting the thread but i really get how you feel OP its hurtful.

DH's parents are dead. Mine live 3 hours away. We had a child knowing full well childcare was our responsibility. Even if we did live near my parents, they have really busy lives - Dad still works and Mum is always off doing something with friends etc.

I get that there's an emotional aspect - it hurts that your MIL has little interest in your children. But it sounds like something you need to accept and just crack on with your own lives 🤷🏼‍♀️

Crikey how many times are you asking her for childcare if she only does it one in five times? She probably thinks if she agrees to it more you will ask more! I get from your posts that it's women who you expect to step up to the plate, men are capable too! A relationship with gps shouldn't be built on how much they can 'offer'. Your dc seem to have a good relationship with them/her. And posters saying gps 'reap what they sow', that's such a horrible attitude. There doesn't seem to be much love involved just transactions.

@Mistyplanet

Yanbu OP, its really hurtful. They basically don't care or dont care "much". Happy to see grandchildren at fixed times like mine but its not an ebb and flow relationship. My husband is asian and cant understand why our kids dont see my parents more regularly despite living in the same town. When they do see them its very much on their terms and they wont step in if I need help like if im exhausted and need a break. Its like "ill see DS1 on Tuesday at 11am but can you collect him at 1pm as ive got a hair appointment at 2.. and these various appointments seem to be spread out every day during the week. The rest of the time my mum spends walking with friends, going for coffee or going swimming. I understand they have their own time but this week i could have done with just one break from my toddler. 2 older kids were at camps some days but i never got any time alone as 3 year old was with me all the time. I know my mum has her own choice but it hurts she doesnt want to have a relationship with her grandchildren. Shes only interested in DS1 and avoids having the other 2. Younger 2 are both easy to look after btw. Sorry for diverting the thread but i really get how you feel OP its hurtful.

You don't understand she has her own time if your complaining about her appointments and meeting friends etc.

She spent a large chunk of her life raising children, sacrificing her time etc.

If you need a break book childcare or have your husband do it.

She does have a relationship with her gc just not how you think it should be and doesn't mean she doesn't care much either.

Why should she move her life around for you. If she wants to see the gc and you had appointments booked do you cancel them for her? I very much doubt you do, so why expect her to?

Funny how all these complaints about gp are only about well they don't cover childcare for me enough ahsb I need a break etc.

There seems to be quite a bit of complaining here about people “not getting a break”. I totally understand, I’m burned out with no childcare help at all but it’s not anyone else’s responsibility and it doesn’t make someone a bad grandparent to not provide childcare.

@Dreamstate to be fair to @Mistyplanet, her mum seems to be creating more work and stress for her. Misty has to now fit in a visit for DS1 to her mum at 11 and pick him up at the fixed time of 1pm, whilst juggling the other two young DC and doing whatever else she needs to do.

The mum seems to be very selfish, and probably just wants pics of DS1 for Facebook.

@Heliachi but also not fair to put pressure on Misty for these 2 hour visits for one DGC.

I am planning to be this grandparent. I want to have a relationship with my grandkids, to see them on a regular basis, help out on the occasional emergency, but taking on regular childcare responsibilities, being at the kids beck and call...no thanks. I had my first at 21, now I'm in my mid 40s and all 3 are adults. This is MY time.

All these mothers in law who dare to have a life of their own rather than devoting it to support their daughters in law (men dont be see to playing a big role in this story). Shocking.

Maybe the younger two are still in diapers while the eldest is capable of conversing/ interacting at a more interesting or lower maintenance level. Grandma is not required to have an identical relationship with each child.

As pp said: ‘her mum seems to be creating more work and stress for her. Misty has to now fit in a visit for DS1 to her mum at 11 and pick him up at the fixed time of 1pm, whilst juggling the other two young DC and doing whatever else she needs to do.’

OP, on the occassions when Grandma does babysit her DGC is she allowed to just get on with it, or does the favour she is doing you come with all sorts of rules and regulations regarding her DGC? Also OP, when your DC returns home, do you ring up Grandma and thank her for having said DC, or do you first cross-question your DC about everything they have done, and everything they have eaten and drunk, and then ring up, or more likely, get DH to ring her up to tell her that she didn't follow every rule to the letter, and that she didn't make her DGC have enough exercise by taking them out for a long walk, but she did wrongly let her DGC have a cake when everyone else was having one, and that grandma mustn't let baby/then later toddler, have a rest when they were very tired because the DGC would then not want to sleep the solid 12 hours at night that mum insists on? When your DC was older did you tell your DC that if they watched any TV at grandma's they would have to go to bed without being allowed to watch the TV you normally let them watch as you don't want to entertain them yourself (and in this little scenario OP you are a SAHM)? Oh and OP, do you give your DC one tiny baby size yogurt for breakfast and nothing else because you are sure that grandma will overfeed them when DC is at hers, which of course means that grandma has to give them more because she is not willing to be in charge of a starving child, so then obviously when DGC goes home, grandma gets the expected phonecall telling her off again for overfeeding DGC. If grandma tries to stick up for herself is she then told that she can never babysit DGC again because she can't be trusted to follow all of the rules? Of course, OP do you then back down and ask grandma to babysit again after 2 weeks at the most, because you can't cope with not having at least one day off from being a mummy?
The grandma asking all these questions is still available everytime she is asked by her DDiL to have DGC, because grandma cares about DiL's mental state, and loves her DGC very much, buy this grandma is terribly stressed everytime she has DGC, because she knows that at the after DGC goes home that she is going to get another ohone bollocking either from D DDiL herself, or more likely from DS who has been told to do so by his DW. If you are even a 10th like the DDiL in this scenario it would not be surprising if another grandma declines the kind offer some of the time.
I am not saying that you are anything like that OP, I am just putting it forward as a possible reason a GP might be too afraid to babysit her wonderful GC too often.

Don't expect anything from them, then you won't be disappointed. They won't change.

@3plantpots

Thanks for all the responses, good food for thought.

To all saying ‘you decided to have kids’ - yes you’re absolutely right - but the model I had seen with my own family and pretty much everyone I know I envisioned being the norm - which is heavy involvement of GPS and doting adoration of GCs. I perhaps had too high expectations based on this but you only know what you know.

Their relationship is good and I have no worries there, the time spent is quality time.

I think PPs are right also, my DM is probably stirring it up and I hadn’t really given this and my feelings about it much thought (probably out of jealousy on her side as suggested). She has never directly slagged off MIL but has made it very clear that she disapproves of the situation, thinks she should be helping a lot more and often drops in how she would be round to ours all the time if she lived so close etc etc. Which she probably would to the point of being annoying and I’d probably be on here moaning about that . She’s really the polar opposite TBH and is a bit of a martyr with putting herself out for GCs.

I'm not sure high expectations is appropriate, it sort of implies your expectations are superior and his family are inferior. Your expectations were wrong, they don't have to do what you expect.

@dontstealmymagnolias

OP I think you should direct some of your anger/disappointment towards your own mother. If she is so hands on and 'a martyr' why is she not offering to come and stay with you every so often for a few days to provide the plentiful free childcare that she got? How often does she take the dgc for weekends to bond with them and give you a break? I'm very surprised she hasn't offered to move to provide the care that she is seemingly so discusted about that your ILs aren't providing.

@dontstealmymagnolias no offer to move but do come and stay lots, for extended periods, offer (and actually do) take them out, have them overnight, encourage us to go out as a couple and they take care of them. Certainly much more time spent and offers of help from 3+ hours away vs 3 minutes!

@HeartvsBrain

OP, on the occassions when Grandma does babysit her DGC is she allowed to just get on with it, or does the favour she is doing you come with all sorts of rules and regulations regarding her DGC? Also OP, when your DC returns home, do you ring up Grandma and thank her for having said DC, or do you first cross-question your DC about everything they have done, and everything they have eaten and drunk, and then ring up, or more likely, get DH to ring her up to tell her that she didn't follow every rule to the letter, and that she didn't make her DGC have enough exercise by taking them out for a long walk, but she did wrongly let her DGC have a cake when everyone else was having one, and that grandma mustn't let baby/then later toddler, have a rest when they were very tired because the DGC would then not want to sleep the solid 12 hours at night that mum insists on? When your DC was older did you tell your DC that if they watched any TV at grandma's they would have to go to bed without being allowed to watch the TV you normally let them watch as you don't want to entertain them yourself (and in this little scenario OP you are a SAHM)? Oh and OP, do you give your DC one tiny baby size yogurt for breakfast and nothing else because you are sure that grandma will overfeed them when DC is at hers, which of course means that grandma has to give them more because she is not willing to be in charge of a starving child, so then obviously when DGC goes home, grandma gets the expected phonecall telling her off again for overfeeding DGC. If grandma tries to stick up for herself is she then told that she can never babysit DGC again because she can't be trusted to follow all of the rules? Of course, OP do you then back down and ask grandma to babysit again after 2 weeks at the most, because you can't cope with not having at least one day off from being a mummy? The grandma asking all these questions is still available everytime she is asked by her DDiL to have DGC, because grandma cares about DiL's mental state, and loves her DGC very much, buy this grandma is terribly stressed everytime she has DGC, because she knows that at the after DGC goes home that she is going to get another ohone bollocking either from D DDiL herself, or more likely from DS who has been told to do so by his DW. If you are even a 10th like the DDiL in this scenario it would not be surprising if another grandma declines the kind offer some of the time. I am not saying that you are anything like that OP, I am just putting it forward as a possible reason a GP might be too afraid to babysit her wonderful GC too often.

Nope, none of the above. They do what they like and I am always very grateful including small thank you gifts, cards, flowers…

But ao what if you mum does all that. Its not a competition. Just becuasd they are closer they aren't obligated to see you or the children more.

You say your fil has a job, your mil most likely then still does most of the house stuff, then having her own hobbies and meeting her own friends. It's easy to see why there is not lots of free time. She has a life and she is entitled to live it how she sees fit.

You say the time they have is quality time so whats the problem...oh yeh she just won't give you free childcare. That's all and thats is where your problem really is. Just admit it because we can all see it.

Worst thing is you said earlier that your not going to pretend anymore...meaning what your going to talk negatively about them. Why would you even do that...do yo think if they knew that would make them want to help you more

My mil won’t come and visit her grandchild at my house or her sons she thinks my child should just be at her house, she never texts or rings to ask about her grandchild and when we’ve confronted her about all this she says yous know I want to see her, I won’t allow my daughter to be alone with anyone just yet so her dad has to take her over. But she never makes any effort to be in her life so why should we arrange to take her over to hers ? Am I being unreasonable? She gets in contact with her son ( my daughters dads) and never mentions my daughter not even to ask how she is. When I send her photos of my daughter she will reply back saying beautiful etc but is never interested when I tell her about her milestones etc. can I have some advice please

It is quite difficult sometimes to get your head around the fact that different families have different approaches. Seeing grandkids once every week or two weeks was quite normal in my DHs family, and this worked quite well for us- no one interfered we were always able to set our own agendas etc. It is nice to have support, but some retirees will have very busy lives planned- it does vary, and these may not be planned around grandkids. I think you have to look positively on the support you do get.

My mil seems like she doesn’t want to see my daughter at all tho. No texts or anything not bothered so why should I put any effort in

@amylou8

I am planning to be this grandparent. I want to have a relationship with my grandkids, to see them on a regular basis, help out on the occasional emergency, but taking on regular childcare responsibilities, being at the kids beck and call...no thanks. I had my first at 21, now I'm in my mid 40s and all 3 are adults. This is MY time.

Which is fair enough if you're clear and upfront about it.

MIL told me before I was even pregnant that she would not provide childcare, then she provided it for all the rest of her grandchildren. We asked once if she could watch DS for a very short amount of time, it was less than an hour, she agreed then called us to come and get him half way through the time.

I've tried to encourage a relationship, and DS adores her, but she just seems less interested in him than her other grandchildren. And I don't understand why.