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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that MIL lives on same street and hardly sees DC

208 replies

3plantpots · 26/08/2021 21:23

I’m really starting to struggle to hold my tongue on this with my DH and others and pretend it’s all fine when it’s not really.

My DC’s GPs live 5 minutes walking distance from us if that, yet have never once offered to take them out, have a sleepover, have them for an evening so we can go out etc. They see them once every 1 -2 weeks, best we get is sometimes for tea. MIL is retired. I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do. I give lots of notice. Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more, no ‘don’t rush back’ or ‘I’ll keep them until bed time’. Now I know my MIL is entitled to do what she wants with her time and I obviously can’t make anyone do anything, but am I BU to be a bit upset by this?

I find it worst when people pass comment on what lovely children they are, polite etc, and that MIL must love having them so close/seeing them all the time etc. I have to sort of smile and gloss over it then feel very embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have and they see very little of them. AIBU?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2021 17:51

@Feather9 have you read the OP’s update?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/08/2021 17:51

As one day in-laws will ask why your lovely children their grandchildren don’t bother with them

They see them once every 1/2 weeks so not sure why that equates to not bothering with them.
A baby and toddler don’t need to spend time alone with grandparents to have a good relationship with them whatsoever.

Dreamstate · 27/08/2021 18:06

Lol I love those statements well when they are old and need help they should of thought about seeing their hc more.

Why is it tit for tat? Thats not a loving relationship. People should do things to help out because they want to not because down the line there is an expectation itll be reciprocated.

I certainly not having kids and thinking we'll they cna help me out when I'm older...er that's on me to make sure I can afford the help the need instead of expecting my children to.

Some of comments on here are crazy.

jacks11 · 27/08/2021 18:09

@Feather9

What utter balderdash when applied to this scenario! I agree a grandparent taking no interest at all is sad and of course will lead to little or no relationship with their grandchildren as they grow up. However, that clearly does not apply in OP’s case.

The OP has specifically said, on more than one occasion, that her MIL sees her grandchildren every week or 2, and will help out if asked (not on every occasion). Furthermore, OP has specifically said that when MIL does see the children she is interested/involved, both parties obviously enjoy themselves and OP also says that she feels that her MIL has a good relationship with her grandchildren.

I can understand OP being a bit disappointed/wishing for a bit more help if that’s what she has experienced growing up in her family, but really that should be one of those “nice to have” situations, rather than an expectation, where MIL is found to be failing in some way.

Ozanj · 27/08/2021 18:21

You only get childcare when the relationship between the adults is solid. I don’t get regular childcare from Mum & she’ll often tell me to fuck off when they’re busy (when she will drop things to care for my DN) but that’s because we don’t get on. When with DS she is lovely but she won’t go above and beyond like she will with my siblings’ kids.

Fr0thandBubble · 27/08/2021 18:34

It's very hurtful, I agree OP.

At least you know you won't owe her anything if ever she needs help as she gets older...

And, as a PP said, more fool her - she is the one missing out by not spending time, and building a relationship, with her grandchildren.

saraclara · 27/08/2021 18:36

@Fr0thandBubble

It's very hurtful, I agree OP.

At least you know you won't owe her anything if ever she needs help as she gets older...

And, as a PP said, more fool her - she is the one missing out by not spending time, and building a relationship, with her grandchildren.

FFS. Read the thread and OP's posts.
HarkeyQuim · 27/08/2021 18:46

@Feather9
You are utterly brilliant. 😂

You have it all.

Boiling blood
Head held high
Don't take any notice
Christmas GrinGrin

I think I might be in love with you. But you probably already have a 'hubs' who you can talk to about how livid you are on a day to day basis.

WimpoleHat · 27/08/2021 18:46

I had a very similar situation and, like you, found it odd and hurtful. But then I decided that it was their loss…and to match their level of effort. So I stopped being the one to suggest taking the kids round. I stopped being the one to encourage the kids to make/write cards, stopped sending photos etc. And of course then contact dwindled to nothing, but at least we knew where we stood and I stopped getting upset about it. I now just see them as “DH’s parents” and I leave it to him….

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2021 19:06

Are some posters actually reading the OP's posts, they are demonising the MIL when there is no reason to?

Feather9 · 27/08/2021 19:19

Harkeyquim
I do have it all
I had shitty in-laws their loss now
But now I have amazing grandchildren myself I love and would do anything for them to help out
A business that have made enough to give all my children a deposit for a house
I don’t need in-laws now it’s to late haha as I’m on top of the world
Now I can sit back and enjoy my grandchildren
I if in-laws want help that’s to bloody late
If anything the way they was has made me stronger

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2021 19:22

With all that @Feather9 you still failed to read all the OP’s posts

Feather9 · 27/08/2021 19:31

Toomuchlaundry
Oh sorry read it all

HarkeyQuim · 27/08/2021 20:13

If anything the way they was has made me stronger
You should get that as an inspirational wall quote.

Feather9 · 27/08/2021 20:48

Harkeyquinn
I don’t need a wall quote
I just look at what I have achieved with no help
And appreciate I have happy healthy children and grandchildren all doing well
As for in laws they have nothing
Just a said lonely life
Not my problem though
That chose that life now they got to live with it xx

Original poster
3plantpots · 27/08/2021 22:15

@Feather9 are you drinking?? 😂

OP posts:
GalaxyGirl24 · 27/08/2021 22:23

What is it with people saying you shouldn't expect anything off grandparents. Another thread a bit similar to this the OP was told they basically shouldn't expect any family at their DCs party! Madness.

I can understand why you're sad OP. I would be too!

Pamparam · 27/08/2021 22:37

My grandparents on one side never bothered with me when I was growing up. So I don’t bother with them now - they’ve never met their great granddaughter. Totally their loss!

ViciousJackdaw · 28/08/2021 01:45

@HarkeyQuim

If anything the way they was has made me stronger You should get that as an inspirational wall quote.
Ooh, you are awful but I like you GrinGrin
Heliachi · 28/08/2021 03:26

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Heliachi · 28/08/2021 03:28

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Saladcreamormayo · 28/08/2021 04:17

I thought you were going to say mil never bothers with your children at all until you said she sees them once a week for tea etc. Surely that's enough, she's raised her own children and may want time to herself now especially if she's an older lady who hasn't got the energy for young children. My own mother only sees my children for a couple of hours once a week when she visits my house, she never has them for sleep overs or never takes them on days out etc, mind you she never took me anywhere when I was a child so I just don't think she thinks to do it. How old is your mil?

HoppingHamster · 28/08/2021 05:03

I think people are missing the additional point that the ILs probably also love to tell their friends what doting and close GPs they are whilst really doing FA. Mine are like this. Love to offer, are generally busy when I try to take them up on it, then tell all their friends how often they have the kids despite the fact that we use babysitters and holiday camps all the time.

Dreamstate · 28/08/2021 06:34

@HoppingHamster

I think people are missing the additional point that the ILs probably also love to tell their friends what doting and close GPs they are whilst really doing FA. Mine are like this. Love to offer, are generally busy when I try to take them up on it, then tell all their friends how often they have the kids despite the fact that we use babysitters and holiday camps all the time.
There is no additional point, at no point has OP said that's what they do. Infact OP made or clear when they meet everyone has a good time and there is nothing wrong.

Her only problem is how much they see the gc, obviously OP think the 1-2 times every week or two isn't enough but it's obviously not harming the relationship with the gc as OP has said the gc are happy when they see Mil and have a good time.

You have zero clue as to whether they say that, why are you making it up?

Imagine if OP Mil found this thread how hurtful would that be instead.

blubberball · 28/08/2021 06:50

My ex mil hardly sees the dc at all now. I'm not chasing around after her. But the gushing Facebook posts tick me off, about her beautiful gc.