To be upset that MIL lives on same street and hardly sees DC

[3plantpots]

I’m really starting to struggle to hold my tongue on this with my DH and others and pretend it’s all fine when it’s not really.

My DC’s GPs live 5 minutes walking distance from us if that, yet have never once offered to take them out, have a sleepover, have them for an evening so we can go out etc. They see them once every 1 -2 weeks, best we get is sometimes for tea. MIL is retired. I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do. I give lots of notice. Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more, no ‘don’t rush back’ or ‘I’ll keep them until bed time’. Now I know my MIL is entitled to do what she wants with her time and I obviously can’t make anyone do anything, but am I BU to be a bit upset by this?

I find it worst when people pass comment on what lovely children they are, polite etc, and that MIL must love having them so close/seeing them all the time etc. I have to sort of smile and gloss over it then feel very embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have and they see very little of them. AIBU?

It is a shame, my mum lives 3 doors down and we see her most days. She will take my 4 year old for an hour in an evening at least once a week and in term time has him in the morning and after school until I get home. She babysits if we want to go out. I feel like your MIL is missing out x

@toomuchlaundry
@IridescentPurple

having the GC to stay overnight
taking them out for the day
going to the park with them
spending time doing things with them e.g. cooking, gardening, playing football

But she has a good relationship with the GC, @MissMarplesGoddaughter, so surely if the MIL and GC are happy (the important people in this discussion) no-one is missing out

@Skyla2005

Let her see them on your terms only. Not when it suits them. When you would like a break Can't stand selfish grandparents

What exactly are they being punished for? For seeing them 'only' once a week? For being lovely with the GCs when they do? For being warm enough that their GPs love them? For'only' doing emergency childcare for for the amount of time that OP asks them for?

Jeeeze, there are some realy unpleasant people on mumsnet.

jacks11

i think in hindsight you are right - this is not a situation of MIL being completely disinterested or mean or unwilling to help (as can be the case)

It is a case of MIL helping actually fairly regularly and a lot more than many other GP do - but OP having an idealised view of what GP should be doing for her.

I appreciate her disappointment but agree it does seem a bit childish and a touch self indulgent to be ungrateful or unhappy with the amount of help she is getting when she is getting help once or twice a week

the thread has shown how many parents get no help at all ever - so yes she needs to get over herself a bit - said in the nicest way!

I don't know how old OP s PILs are, but what people who hark back to the 'old days' when their GPs looked after then often miss, is that GPs are getting older with each generation.
When my mum had me in the 50S, she was 22 and my GM was 44. When I had my DD I was 31 and my mum and MIL were 53 and 54. When my DD has my first grandchild she was 33 and I was 64.

It's very different me doing childcare for a toddler at 65, than it would have been for my my mum and MIL at 55, and for my GM at 45.

Oops. Loads of typos there. I hope they don't spoil my point.

When all is said and done the kids are your responsibility, therefore it's up to you to arrange childcare and pay for that child care.
Your MIL has done her child rearing, and finished her working life, I would imagine she now wants to spend time living her life, seeing her friends and doing her hobbies. I know I will be that way when I retire. I would still help on occasion to babysit but only when it works for me. I spent my 'motherhood' years arranging my own childcare without relying on free babysitting from family members, which in my opinion is the way it should be done. I choose to have my children, my family didn't choose that for me, so why on earth would I assume/choose that they would become my babysitter

In real life - YANBU. I see this kind of positive relationship that you describe as very much typical, not everyone has it of course but it's not out of the ordinary, and Gps and families are close and help each other, mutually.

On mumsnet - you will get your arse handed to you for being entitled.

It's not entitled for hoping for a positive, close, relationship between GPs and their grandchildren and it's not beyond comprehension to understand that this relationship is built by spending quality time together.

Of course there's a balance to be had, and overly using Gps for free childcare, or expecting it is taking the piss, but thats not how I read your post.

If I'm a GP I personally will be looking forward to spending time with the grandkids, looking after them hopefully will be (part) of how we bond, as well as the fun stuff and visits.

I think it's sad when I read mealy mouthed posts about 'child rearing days being done', hopefully those GPs won't be complain later when they have very little relationship with grandkids.

It would be nice of her to do more and actually want to see them more but she clearly doesn’t and there’s very little you can do to change this.

Grandparents have very different styles. Some are quite overbearing and want to see their GC constantly, some are happy to be on hand to help whenever needed and others don’t want to have much to do with their GC. It’s sad your MIL is the latter, my Dad has never even met my younger 2 DC so I know how it feels.

@Nayday

In real life - YANBU. I see this kind of positive relationship that you describe as very much typical, not everyone has it of course but it's not out of the ordinary, and Gps and families are close and help each other, mutually.

On mumsnet - you will get your arse handed to you for being entitled.

It's not entitled for hoping for a positive, close, relationship between GPs and their grandchildren and it's not beyond comprehension to understand that this relationship is built by spending quality time together.

Of course there's a balance to be had, and overly using Gps for free childcare, or expecting it is taking the piss, but thats not how I read your post.

If I'm a GP I personally will be looking forward to spending time with the grandkids, looking after them hopefully will be (part) of how we bond, as well as the fun stuff and visits.

I think it's sad when I read mealy mouthed posts about 'child rearing days being done', hopefully those GPs won't be complain later when they have very little relationship with grandkids.

Quality doesn't equate to quantity by default.

I only get to see my nephew maybe once every 6 weeks if I'm lucky and I only live 30 mins away but thats because my sister and husband are busy and take him out on weekends etc. I dont grt invited to those either.

But when I do see him, I'm 100% present and have good quality time with him.

I dont moan about the lack of time I get, I just appreciate the times I do. Of course a bit often might be nicer but it hasn't harmed my relationship with my nephew.

YABU. Sounds like she is involved in their lives, just also wants her freedom having raised her own kids. They're your kids, she's not obliged to babysit so you can go out.

my Dad has never even met my younger 2 DC so I know how it feels.

You're comparing your dad never having met your DCs, to OP's MIL seeing hers every week, being lovely to them, being loved by them, and occasionally looking after them when OP has an appointment @Hemingwaycat? Seriously?

This thread is getting more batshit by the minute.

Eh? Am I missing something? You say she ‘hardly sees’ the children but also that she sees them every 1-2 weeks. So she does see them regularly just doesn’t do childcare for you? YABU.

@Pellewsmate

We live next door to my ILs and it's the same. They moan that they don't see them enough but can't be bothered to walk 20yds, we have to deliver them. For SIL's kids they'll happily jump in the car and drive 6 hours to visit. I think it's true that familiarity breeds contempt, my kids are there all the time and they are just not interested. They have only taken my DC out on their own once and then spent a week complaining about the cost, if other grandchildren visit it's non stop days out which my eldest is invited along too as then they don't have to look after the youngest ones themselves. I grew up really close to my grandparents but DH only saw his at Christmas so I suppose this is normal for them, but they get jealous that DC have a closer relationship to my parents even though they don't live near.

So they won't walk 20 yds but you seem to resent walking 20 yds to deliver them? Then you say your kids are there all the time but they aren't interested, maybe if your kids were there less they'd enjoy seeing them.

You're not upset they don't see your dcs though you're upset they won't babysit... Two very different things imo

The sad thing I think in our case is that my very distant MIL really won’t ever look back and think ‘well dang, I should have seen more of the grandkids.’ She’s obviously just not bothered. She doesn’t even speak to her own son (DH) more than once or twice a year if he calls her. He’d love her to be more involved with our family - it’s a real sore point for him that she’s this disinterested.

This is the very sad thing with some grandparents. I was gutted the year she wanted to meet ‘either me or DH’ in early December on a school day (not a trip especially to see us, she was shopping in our city and wanted to meet briefly at lunchtime) to pass over some Christmas presents she’d bought us.

No suggestion of meeting the kids, or spending any time with them, asking them about Christmas, school nativity etc - nah, here’s a bag of presents while I’m in the area (these gifts are often met with bafflement or ignored as she doesn’t know what the DC like - because she never asks us what they want or speaks to them herself - and so they’re often not to their tastes/duplicates of what they have already), that’s my grandmotherly duties done again for another 12 months.

It’s just so bizarre - there wasn’t a falling out or anything, it’s just how she is.

My in laws lived a similar distance from us @3plantpots and behaved exactly the same. They never had them overnight, take them out or just have them over without myself or their dad with them.

I felt hurt when the DC were younger but as others have said it was their loss. My DC love their grandparents and now at 18 & 21 will pop in and visit them, so in all honesty it hasn't impacted on their relationship.

@Dreamstate yes I deliberately used quality over quantity as my own DC had a fab relationship with their GPs despite being hours apart. Their GPs were involved and interested, wanting to know when next visit was, keen to take them out with and without us, it's the interest and engagement that makes the biggest difference.

You are absolutely not unreasonable about this! It might be true that you shouldn't expect grandparents to alter their plans to spend time with the grandchildren but it's perfectly reasonable to expect them to show an interest and help out when they can. It's part of being in a loving family - helping one another out! And for GPs to take great delight in spending time with grandchildren. When my niece was young, I often spent a lot of my afternoons collecting her from nursery and cooking her dinner / having her overnight at the weekend to help my sister out. It's so normal to me. But then I grew up with GPs who were lovely and I spent almost every weekend with my granny right up until she passed away when I was 20.
I think the issue here is that a lot of people don't like the idea of helping anyone out. They would rather suit themselves 100% of the time. In my view they are failing as GPs. Not much help I know - it's just shit! I wouldn't cover for them though. If anyone says, you could just say that you hardly see them. Perhaps you feel the need to kind of defend them as they are quite selfish and you maybe feel embarrassed by their poor behaviour? They probably weren't overly loving parents either. It's a horrible situation for your DCs as you probably imagined they would have more input and you would want that for them. I'm sorry they aren't as interested. But it works both ways. Your DCs won't be interested in them either. It's a shame for them.
Hope you can make peace with the fact that they are who they are and all you can do is be a brilliant mum to the kids.

Thanks for all the responses, good food for thought.

To all saying ‘you decided to have kids’ - yes you’re absolutely right - but the model I had seen with my own family and pretty much everyone I know I envisioned being the norm - which is heavy involvement of GPS and doting adoration of GCs. I perhaps had too high expectations based on this but you only know what you know.

Their relationship is good and I have no worries there, the time spent is quality time.

I think PPs are right also, my DM is probably stirring it up and I hadn’t really given this and my feelings about it much thought (probably out of jealousy on her side as suggested). She has never directly slagged off MIL but has made it very clear that she disapproves of the situation, thinks she should be helping a lot more and often drops in how she would be round to ours all the time if she lived so close etc etc. Which she probably would to the point of being annoying and I’d probably be on here moaning about that . She’s really the polar opposite TBH and is a bit of a martyr with putting herself out for GCs.

My FIL lives on the same street as us - 15 doors away to br exact, and he hardly ever sees our children.

I think it really hurts my DH’s feelings.

3plant pots
Don’t take any notice of the people saying you had children it’s your responsibility
They really don’t get the point
It is hurtful when in-laws don’t give a shit
As one day in-laws will ask why your lovely children their grandchildren don’t bother with them
You can proudly say look back at the past
They will be the ones with no visitors in laws that is as your children will pick up on the not be wanted in their younger lives
Don’t be embarrassed tell in-laws friends and neighbours they only want to see their grandchildren when it fits in with them
Head height carry on without them it will be their loss when they are old and your lovely children their grandchildren don’t want to visit
We all have it pumped down our throats at Christmas when old people are on their own
MAYBE THEY SHOULD Of THOUGH OF THAT YEARs Ago xx

Sort about any spelling mistakes
Just makes my blood boil
When old people say no one visits
Then find out they have 5 grandchildren 3 great grandchildren
Who they never give a shit about
Oh now no visits them wonder why