Page 4 | To be upset that MIL lives on same street and hardly sees DC

Feather9 · 27/08/2021 08:34

I feel for you it’s sad
My children are all grown up now and in-laws could not be bothered with them at all my parents passed so sadly they only had my in-laws as grandparents
Now in-laws are old and can’t get out and about their grandchildren have no relationship with them but that was in-laws choice not mine I tried my best but they was always to busy I would ring them and they was always busy so we could not go round and they never visited us and we lived just down the road never wished grandchildren happy birthday nothing
Now I’m a grandmother and adore my grandchildren

Love taking them for days out etc and will always be there for any help I can
Sad thing is in-laws now say they have never seen great grandchildren and would be nice as we can’t get out and about as they can’t drive now and no one visits
So I replied the reason is you didn’t want to know your grandchildren and never see them they don’t know you
It is sad but they made that choice years ago
And it’s to late now if only they realised what they was doing they would now be having lots of visits from there grandchildren and seeing great grandchildren

girlmom21 · 27/08/2021 08:47

Of course YABU. You choose to have children - they don't choose to have grandchildren.

Some people just aren't comfortable looking after children when they get older. Some people don't feel capable.
Some people are genuinely just busy.

I had a day out with my parents, DD and nephew a couple of days ago and there was a grandmother their with 4 grandchildren. She wasn't being kind to them but she also looked incredibly stressed. I'd assume she was pressured into looking after all 4.
3 of them at least were old enough to behave properly for her and were just being little shits. Poor woman.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/08/2021 08:52

Once every 1-2 weeks is plenty and more than ample time for them to have a relationship with them. Providing free childcare doesn’t make for a better relationship whatsoever. Maybe a baby and toddler alone is not what MIL wants and that’s perfectly her right.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2021 09:07

Why are people saying the MIL is not interested. She sees the grandchildren almost weekly and the grandchildren love her, so she must be doing something right. All because she doesn’t do all the childcare needs the OP wants. Also it would appear that the other GM is interfering and stirring up trouble. She should possibly be the one that OP should be complaining about.

Porcupineintherough · 27/08/2021 09:24

@Feather9 they see the children twice a month, sometimes more. In what way is that "not having a relationship" with them?

I saw my grandmother once a year or once every two years (different countries). I still loved her.

User57327259 · 27/08/2021 09:24

I was a grandmother who looked after DGC a lot. AT least 3 days a week. I changed appointments and other arrangements so that I was free to look after DGC. After more than 15 years of childminding I needed a day procedure at hospital and had to have an adult after this. I asked, working times were checked and it was agreed as far as I knew. The day came and there was no appearance of DC. I went alone to the hospital and phoned a friend to collect me.
The next day I was told that a child would be dropped in my street because the DC could not be bothered talking to me. I was feeling awful and in pain from the procedure and said I was not well enough.

I have not seen any DC or DGC since. It seems to me that I was only used as a babysitter and not a real person to hold a conversation with or to be asked how my day was, It is sad but it is not nice to be treated in that manner. I miss the DC and DGC.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 27/08/2021 09:25

Perhaps every 1-2 weeks is enough for her. There is no law that says how often you need to see grandchildren, she’s busy and sounds happy with her life as it is?. She doesn’t have to provide childcare, going forward lots of us will still be working when our kids have kids so can’t provide it either..my mum was then she moved over to the other side of the world. Not super involved grandma but loves the kids doesn’t babysit due to distance - now in England so a bit closer. You can’t miss what you’ve never had I’ve always sorted childcare out, babysitters etc. My kids are close to my mum she visits, Facetimes etc it’s just how it is.

Oldbutstillgotit · 27/08/2021 09:29

User57327259

“I was a grandmother who looked after DGC a lot. AT least 3 days a week. I changed appointments and other arrangements so that I was free to look after DGC. After more than 15 years of childminding I needed a day procedure at hospital and had to have an adult after this. I asked, working times were checked and it was agreed as far as I knew. The day came and there was no appearance of DC. I went alone to the hospital and phoned a friend to collect me.
The next day I was told that a child would be dropped in my street because the DC could not be bothered talking to me. I was feeling awful and in pain from the procedure and said I was not well enough.

I have not seen any DC or DGC since. It seems to me that I was only used as a babysitter and not a real person to hold a conversation with or to be asked how my day was, It is sad but it is not nice to be treated in that manner. I miss the DC and DGC”

That is awful and I am so sorry 💐. I sometimes think my DD takes me for granted but nothing like that .

mcmooberry · 27/08/2021 09:39

I would be hurt by this, any rejection of our children is hurtful and that is what this feels like.

Categorically her loss. Stop asking, lower your expectations and try and let it go. Also, make plans to spend holidays with your family if you can.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 27/08/2021 09:47

Its not your MILs job to look after your kids. Shes probably got her own life and stuff she wants to do. Do you have a relationship with her or do you view her as an unpaid babysitter when it suits you?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 27/08/2021 09:49

@User57327259 so sorry to hear how you were treated by your own family. Sending you hugs xx

Dreamstate · 27/08/2021 09:52

@mcmooberry

I would be hurt by this, any rejection of our children is hurtful and that is what this feels like.

Categorically her loss. Stop asking, lower your expectations and try and let it go. Also, make plans to spend holidays with your family if you can.

Talk about OTT, the MIL isn't rejecting the children if she was she wouldn't even see them at all.

Her MIL feels that 1-2 times is kore than enough alongside all the other things she is doing. And the time she does spend with them, OP herself has sent that the children enjoy it and so does MIL.

Why are people making out the MIL doesn't enjoy seeing the gc.

End of the day OP is harking back to her old times wheb she was a child and saw her gm alot more and basically wants her dc to have the same. Bit like well I went to university so my kids should to.

Stop trying to relive your lifestyle through your children would be more appropriate.

Even worst her own mother is stirring the pot.

IridescentPurple · 27/08/2021 09:52

I would be hurt by this, any rejection of our children is hurtful and that is what this feels like

According to OP she sees them once a week and they're very fond of her. How is that rejection?
I think OPs gripe is that mil doesn't want sole responsibility for them overnight. That's not rejection either.

ancientgran · 27/08/2021 09:53

Maybe they feel they have done their share of childcare? I will be honest with you and say I have my GC alot, I'm currently battling with a lazy 16 year old who is reluctant to do his summer work before joining 6th form. He is sent round to me as "You have time to supervise him." I'm tired of it, I'm nearly 70, I've brought up my own, I'm my disabled husband's carer. I wish I'd never so gladly taken on so much care and responsibility for GC, not because I don't love them but because it is now accepted that I will house and feed them for the summer and I am responsible for everything being ready for the new term.

Maybe your ILs are more sensible than I was.

saraclara · 27/08/2021 09:58

Why are people saying the MIL is not interested. She sees the grandchildren almost weekly and the grandchildren love her, so she must be doing something right.

Exactly. OP had said that she's lovely with the children and that they love her and DGD. Yet people are posting as if she doesn't want to have anything to do with them and ignores them when they do see them.

saraclara · 27/08/2021 10:01

I find it worst when people pass comment on what lovely children they are, polite etc, and that MIL must love having them so close/seeing them all the time etc. I have to sort of smile and gloss over it

But MIL does love seeing them. Once a week or so. And yes, it's lovely to be so close that she can see them once a week, and not three or four times a year like many GPs.

Your mum has really done a number on you, OP. See her jealousy for what it is, and don't let her ruin your relationship with your in laws.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2021 10:01

@ancientgran that is so unfair to push a 16yo onto you. They are more than old enough to be on their own and to take responsibility for their studying.

JudgeJ · 27/08/2021 10:02

@3plantpots

I’m really starting to struggle to hold my tongue on this with my DH and others and pretend it’s all fine when it’s not really.

My DC’s GPs live 5 minutes walking distance from us if that, yet have never once offered to take them out, have a sleepover, have them for an evening so we can go out etc. They see them once every 1 -2 weeks, best we get is sometimes for tea. MIL is retired. I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do. I give lots of notice. Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more, no ‘don’t rush back’ or ‘I’ll keep them until bed time’. Now I know my MIL is entitled to do what she wants with her time and I obviously can’t make anyone do anything, but am I BU to be a bit upset by this?

I find it worst when people pass comment on what lovely children they are, polite etc, and that MIL must love having them so close/seeing them all the time etc. I have to sort of smile and gloss over it then feel very embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have and they see very little of them. AIBU?

Maybe your in-laws, MIL especially, have read on these pages how they have to keep their distance, wait for a written invitation to visit and not in any way upset the DIL. She's probably assuming that the maternal grandmother will be there all the time, can't have it both ways.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 27/08/2021 10:04

This is so sad. My DGC do not live locally.
It would be my idea of heaven to have them living locally and to be involved in their lives.

Does your MiL really not understand what she is missing out on? ......... :(

IridescentPurple · 27/08/2021 10:04

Yet people are posting as if she doesn't want to have anything to do with them and ignores them when they do see them

That'll be people who think grandparents should want to provide an on - tap babysitting service.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2021 10:05

But she is involved with them @MissMarplesGoddaughter. It sounds more like the other GM is stirring. I think that is the bigger problem

Clovacloud · 27/08/2021 10:10

When they do see them do they actually talk to them or pay them any attention? Do they have any sort of relationship?

My inlaws never helped out even once with DD, and when they did see her it was a very superficial ‘hello’ and didn’t interact with her at all. It wasn’t that they were awkward with children (3 of their own, and 6 other grandkids) they just didn’t care and frankly weren’t massively different with her cousins.

Fast forward 18 years MIL has passed away, and FIL complains none of his grandchildren visit him It’s a two way street, if they don’t try to have a relationship with their grandchildren, why on Earth would the grandkids even consider having one with them?

IridescentPurple · 27/08/2021 10:10

Does your MiL really not understand what she is missing out on?
But she sees them once a week, has them round for tea occasionally, and will look after them while op has the odd appt. What is she missing out on?

IridescentPurple · 27/08/2021 10:12

When they do see them do they actually talk to them or pay them any attention?

Op has said that the children and pills all enjoy the visits.

Undecided1985 · 27/08/2021 10:17

I think its understandable to be disappointed - we get no help from family for various (quite legitimate) reasons and i find it really hard at times to see the many others who get endless help almost to the point parenthood has a far far lesser impact on their lives. I think you just have to grieve a bit for what you are not going to have and move on and get on with it.

I would not lie and pretend MIL does more than she does - "oh well MIL is so busy that she does help now and again but not on a regular basis " that avoids people presuming you have it easy because she lives close by and also avoids giving her credit for things she is not doing.

We did have an issue with SIL with similar type issues eg wld have been v v easy for her to make some effort with our kids but she chose not to but MIL wanted to keep some pretence that SIL was a wonderful auntie and v involved etc whenever she spoke to wider family. At times MIL was often jacking visits to enable SIL to appear as if she was doong stuff with kids when she was not. Like you we were shocked really in the way SIL behaved and it took a while to just accept she wasn't interested so we weren't going to waste any more energy on her and equally we were not having MIL pretend that SIL was this wonderful auntie that she was not. So we just left it at that

As a pp said what hurt was the lack of any bit of interest from SIL we never had any expectations relating to childcare etc also like another pp said SIL will be type to show interest when they are older or when she is older and expects them to help her - but you cant take out what you never bothered to put in. I found SIL issue a bit more irkesome because before children where born she was always pulling the family card whenever she wanted something for herself then it was "oh sorry i am too busy" as soon as family meant other people.

sadly this is life! you have to accept it as it is and not pretend it can ever be something else. At least MIL has them on an occasional basis and is close to hand in case of any big emergencies.