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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that MIL lives on same street and hardly sees DC

208 replies

3plantpots · 26/08/2021 21:23

I’m really starting to struggle to hold my tongue on this with my DH and others and pretend it’s all fine when it’s not really.

My DC’s GPs live 5 minutes walking distance from us if that, yet have never once offered to take them out, have a sleepover, have them for an evening so we can go out etc. They see them once every 1 -2 weeks, best we get is sometimes for tea. MIL is retired. I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do. I give lots of notice. Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more, no ‘don’t rush back’ or ‘I’ll keep them until bed time’. Now I know my MIL is entitled to do what she wants with her time and I obviously can’t make anyone do anything, but am I BU to be a bit upset by this?

I find it worst when people pass comment on what lovely children they are, polite etc, and that MIL must love having them so close/seeing them all the time etc. I have to sort of smile and gloss over it then feel very embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have and they see very little of them. AIBU?

OP posts:

ribbonsred · 26/08/2021 22:24

I would feel upset and hurt too. What a shame. My MIL would be round every day near enough, if she lived that close. How can you nurture your children's relationship with their grandparents?

Toodlydoo · 26/08/2021 22:27

You’re post focuses on in-laws not wanting to babysit. Small kids are tedious frankly (I have one, I know). I’m not sure that older people have the energy to deal with kids.

I do get it, we don’t have anyone babysit for us at all BUT we chose to have her thats on us. Your kids see them regularly and if they have a good relationship thats wonderful. They shouldn’t have to do things for you to be seen as caring for the kids.

ViciousJackdaw · 26/08/2021 22:30

Lots of questions...
How many DC are there and how old are they?
Why is this directed solely at MIL? You refer to the 'GPs' so I assume there is a FIL too.
Do you ever invite them over?

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 26/08/2021 22:33

How old are your children?

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 26/08/2021 22:38

It is disappointing when gp's don't seem interested in the grandchildren. My ex FIL was exactly the same, visited but only really engaged with adults who were present. Never had the dc overnight, never took them anywhere without us being present, he didn't even read them stories.

Now he is old and sick and complains whenever I see him ( which isn't often) that the grown up gc never contact him and he only sees them if their dad or I arrange it.
You get out of relationships with kids what you put in.

BeeFloof · 26/08/2021 22:41

My 4yo doesn’t even know who MIL is, having last ‘seen’ her when she was 14 months old. I gave up trying to include her as she was never interested (FIL died a few years ago, before we had children).

I’m gutted she’s not more involved but not for childcare, it would just be nice if it was a few meet ups a year, Christmas, a meal for birthdays etc. She’s quite active in her local community and goes to lots of hobbies so it’s not ‘shyness’ or anything - it’s utterly baffling to me, I always think people must ask after us in conversation and I have no idea what she would say!

toomuchlaundry · 26/08/2021 22:45

You just seem to want her for childcare rather than just having a relationship with the DC. Do you see her socially?

SeasonFinale · 26/08/2021 22:46

She sees them every 1 to 2 weeks though. That is a lot. My parents live abroad and we haven't seen them since August 2020 but they still maintain a relationship with grandchildren.

YABU to expect childcare.

rainbowninja · 26/08/2021 22:48

I would be upset and disappointed too, my grandparents lived 5 mins from me when I was a kid and they were a huge part of our lives.

It says more about them than it does you, grieve the relationship you don't have by all means but don't take it personally. We never know what's going on for people really.

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila · 26/08/2021 22:49

My FIL was absolutely not interested for years. He's only started taking an interest in the last year because they're that bit older. Sadly the ship has sailed and they have no particular attachment to him. So now he wants to spend time with them but they're not interested in him. You reap what you sow.

Nextchapterofmybook · 26/08/2021 22:50

YANBU but don’t lie, when people ask say it’s a shame they don’t see them that much

LouLou789 · 26/08/2021 22:56

That’s awful, though, I’d absolutely love to see my grandchildren more, but just try to be respectful of how my son and daughter in law want to be (they’re their kids so obviously their choice and I just want to be supportive)

Sadly, you can’t make her be any different.

Dreamstate · 26/08/2021 22:57

yet have never once offered to take them out, have a sleepover, have them for an evening so we can go out etc

They are not free childcare so you can go out and enjoy yourself. Maybe they aren't comfortable having them sleepover...have you eveb tried to find out why? Maybe after having raised your husband they would like to enjoy having a life again and doing what they enjoy before their time runs out. I wijksnf want to spend the majority of my time looking after kids again if I had grandkids. Life isn't all about kids!!!

MIL is retired. I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do

Being retired doesn't mean that you get to decide how they should spend their free time. Again you want to use them for free childcare.

Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more, no ‘don’t rush back’ or ‘I’ll keep them until bed time’.

Well she is doing you a favour, givinf you free childcare and tour complaining she wont do it for longer than required. Maybe she has plans she moved around and cant do any longer but oh gosh how dare she be so selfish right.

Maybe they see you using them for free childcare and they rather a relationship based on wanting to see people like you do with your friends etc. Rather than just being used all the time.

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 26/08/2021 22:59

My MIL has met my children three times. They are 9 and 12.

I echo what a PP said- you just want them to want to see their grandchildren; and it’s shit when they don’t.

I console myself with the fact that we hardly ever see her. Every cloud

Nannyamc · 26/08/2021 23:01

We have always engaged with our dgs . One comes here every weekend and we always make sure we see the other two. Would be totally lost without them

Porcupineintherough · 26/08/2021 23:02

I'm sure you think that one day you'll be happy to have your life - what you should do, what you should enjoy - dictated by a woman you havent even met yet. But when it comes to it, you wont.

Porcupineintherough · 26/08/2021 23:04

@Nextchapterofmybook

YANBU but don’t lie, when people ask say it’s a shame they don’t see them that much

They see them every couple of weeks. That is actually quite a lot.

Anordinarymum · 26/08/2021 23:04

OP My mother had no interest in my children. Never babysat, never asked about them, only saw them at odd times, but favoured my siblings children.
It made me sad that she showed no interest even when they did something wonderful such as getting a swimming badge or had their photo in the local paper.

I looked at it this way. It was her loss.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 26/08/2021 23:04

Some grandparents just don’t want to parent again.

I’m pregnant with our first and DHs parents have been clear that while they are very excited and looking forward to newborn cuddles, they won’t be doing nappies or making the house child safe or babysitting. They feel they’ve done their part with DH, and they want to enjoy being older.

It does vary greatly. I have friends whose grandparents are really hands on and desperate to see the kids all the time, and those who would look after the kids in an emergency only…

Stop faking it, take the pressure off, and lower your expectations. They’re unlikely to change now, so those things might be hard, but they’ll help you in the long run.

Original poster

3plantpots · 26/08/2021 23:10

I think I will stop the pretence to others. I suppose I do it because I feel embarrassed.

I also suggest trips out, lunch, swimming etc to do things together- usually nodded to and all the right noises but then never happens. I’ve kind of given up a bit on that lately tbh as I thought it was maybe me she didn’t want to spend time with, hence focusing on the GP/DC relationship on their own/in a childcare capacity. I suppose it’s not helped by my family living hours and hours away and always being desperate to see more of them.

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 26/08/2021 23:14

@3plantpots

I think I will stop the pretence to others. I suppose I do it because I feel embarrassed.

Maybe they are just too old mentally and physically to want to be actively involved as some grandparents are (I am fully involved with my grandchildren and do everything with them and help parents out, but that is because I want to) Maybe they just don't want to?

saraclara · 26/08/2021 23:17

I'm a GM who doesn't do regular childcare. But I have my DGD if one of her parents' shifts clash, and I can't imagine not offering to help out when there's a problem of some kind, or to babysit.

I get while OP is frustrated. I'm guessing it's not so much about the convenience as a general lack of interest and enjoyment in their DGC's company that hurts.

saraclara · 26/08/2021 23:20

Maybe they just don't want to?

But that's the whole point. As a parent you want the GPs to love your child. And you see other children's GPs doting on them and it just feels sad that yours are missing that.

Excelthetube · 26/08/2021 23:21

Have you watched motherland !!!

Mantlemoose · 26/08/2021 23:24

Have never
offered to take them out
have a sleepover
have them for an evening
I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do. I give lots of notice. Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more.
Embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have
You just want a babysitter!

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