To be upset that MIL lives on same street and hardly sees DC

[3plantpots]

I’m really starting to struggle to hold my tongue on this with my DH and others and pretend it’s all fine when it’s not really.

My DC’s GPs live 5 minutes walking distance from us if that, yet have never once offered to take them out, have a sleepover, have them for an evening so we can go out etc. They see them once every 1 -2 weeks, best we get is sometimes for tea. MIL is retired. I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do. I give lots of notice. Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more, no ‘don’t rush back’ or ‘I’ll keep them until bed time’. Now I know my MIL is entitled to do what she wants with her time and I obviously can’t make anyone do anything, but am I BU to be a bit upset by this?

I find it worst when people pass comment on what lovely children they are, polite etc, and that MIL must love having them so close/seeing them all the time etc. I have to sort of smile and gloss over it then feel very embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have and they see very little of them. AIBU?

I feel for you OP. We had a dud pair of grandparents on both sides. Like a PP said, it's that they don't care that really hurts (as opposed to no childcare though that would also have been nice).

Both my husband and I had childhoods where we saw and stayed with our grandparents regularly so we were a bit shocked when our own parents were so remote and uninterested.

We kind of had some warning from PIL as they had a grandchild before we had our first and they did very little babysitting for her. They did seem very proud though and paid for her various activities etc. By the time we had out first 9 years later the novelty had totally worn off. Occasionally when they had extended family visiting we'd be told to bring our son over and parade him. But other than that pretty much zero interest. They lived 5 mins away.

My own parents seemed thrilled with the idea of a grandchild (their first). They did show a lot of interest in the first few months. Would come and visit and encourage us to have a break and go out. However my sister (golden child) had her first a year later and since then it's almost been like mine barely existed. They regularly visited my nephews, had them to stay in the school holidays but there was always an excuse if I asked if they could help. Latterly it was "we don't feel comfortable having him on our own as we don't really know him". Erm, yes! I gave up making so much effort maintaining contact and they didn't even notice.

We now have another child who has only seen them a handful of times in her life. During a lockdown conversation she was surprised to hear that Granny and Grandpa are actually my mum and dad!

It's such a shame. We can afford childcare including evening babysitters so it's not that. But it's hurtful that their grandparents care so little about having a relationship with them especially when they do with their other, preferred grandchildren.

Tell your mum to stop stirring it. Your MIL sees them plenty, she isn't childcare for you, she is a retired woman taking a well earned rest.

Don't gloss over it ... you can't expect her to do anything...but equally you don't need to pretend she does..

If anyone says mil blah blah...just say oh you wouldn't believe hardly see her she's so busy....

Relationships require effort in the main....if she doesn't want to thsts fine but equally you need to stop expecting or engaging and pull back to where you are comfortable not resentful..
Make other arrangements for support....most do....

My dc no useful grandparents so no help ,but no thwarted expectations either...

@Cheryl22x

My mil won’t come and visit her grandchild at my house or her sons she thinks my child should just be at her house, she never texts or rings to ask about her grandchild and when we’ve confronted her about all this she says yous know I want to see her, I won’t allow my daughter to be alone with anyone just yet so her dad has to take her over. But she never makes any effort to be in her life so why should we arrange to take her over to hers ? Am I being unreasonable? She gets in contact with her son ( my daughters dads) and never mentions my daughter not even to ask how she is. When I send her photos of my daughter she will reply back saying beautiful etc but is never interested when I tell her about her milestones etc. can I have some advice please

You'd be better off starting your own thread - this one is old and you'll likely get a lot of people replying to the Op from August rather than giving advice for your specific situation because not everyone will read the full thread before posting.

How do I make a new thread ?

I do find the modern obsession with grandparents quite strange - I think it’s nice to have nice grandparents but I don’t think kids gain much from being really, really close to them. I think mostly parents benefit from it in terms of childcare, and then when I read threads on here most seem to complain when they feel grandparents are getting too close or overly involved with their grandchildren - they can’t win in a lot of cases.

@HalfCakeHalfBiscuit

YABU - why should MIL take on your childcare responsibilities?

If MIL was round every day then the moan would be that she was there too often! MIL may read these pages about awful interfering MILs, it seems to come down to 'can't do right for doing wrong'. I am often shopping close to my daughter's home but I would never dream of just dropping in, if I text to see if she wants anything getting she'll often ask me over for a coffee. My SIL once said, half joking, Don't plan to be away til we know when we'll need baby sitters, and he got a right flea in his ear from his wife!

@smorgasbords

I do find the modern obsession with grandparents quite strange - I think it’s nice to have nice grandparents but I don’t think kids gain much from being really, really close to them. I think mostly parents benefit from it in terms of childcare, and then when I read threads on here most seem to complain when they feel grandparents are getting too close or overly involved with their grandchildren - they can’t win in a lot of cases.

I think it's nice to have a close relationship with grandparents. Perhaps because, for various reasons, I only had a close relationship with one of my grandparents.