To be upset that MIL lives on same street and hardly sees DC

[3plantpots]

I’m really starting to struggle to hold my tongue on this with my DH and others and pretend it’s all fine when it’s not really.

My DC’s GPs live 5 minutes walking distance from us if that, yet have never once offered to take them out, have a sleepover, have them for an evening so we can go out etc. They see them once every 1 -2 weeks, best we get is sometimes for tea. MIL is retired. I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do. I give lots of notice. Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more, no ‘don’t rush back’ or ‘I’ll keep them until bed time’. Now I know my MIL is entitled to do what she wants with her time and I obviously can’t make anyone do anything, but am I BU to be a bit upset by this?

I find it worst when people pass comment on what lovely children they are, polite etc, and that MIL must love having them so close/seeing them all the time etc. I have to sort of smile and gloss over it then feel very embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have and they see very little of them. AIBU?

Maybe its okay that not everyone has to fit these societal norma constructed to allow people to live on this planet.

Not every relationship has to be like everyone else's. Just because they aren't seeing them more often or doing what you think a loving doting gp should do doesn't mean they don't love their gc any less, unless they basically say they aren't interested.

Chill out and let relationships be as they are. So unless you are saying they don't dote on their gc when they do have them over then what pretence are you dropping?

It doesn't make them bad gps because even being 5 mins away they don't involve themselves almost every day with them.

If they see MIL every 1-2 weeks, that's a lot isn't it? What do you think would be realistic?

I think you are being a little unfair comparing her to your parents, you really don't know how it would be if you lived down the street. Easy to say or think you might look after gc all the time but much harder to actually do. And same with FIL being let off the hook, ok he works but no reason he couldn't spare an hour on the weekend if he wanted.

Embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have

What's embarrassing and hurtful about getting a baby sitter? That's a perfectly normal thing to do and a great option for all concerned, not a terrible last resort.

I think it's understandable to be disappointed by the attitude of your PIL.
As others have said, they will probably
a) not get much help from you either
b) not enjoy the love and attention of your dc as they grow up

To be fair my PIL were really disinterested and didn't seem to care about (a) or (b)! And they only even had one GC to be interested in.

I struggle to understand that attitude but as they are unlikely to change it's probably best to try and accept how they are and maybe move closer to your own parents (guilt free).

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I find it really strange adults view their parents and in laws as childcare providers. Why shouldn’t they have their own life and interests once they have raised their own children. It’s perfectly possible to love grandchildren whilst not being the on tap free childcare.

Quite a lot of us growing up in the 70s, 80s and 90s were practically raised by grandparents, only for those same parents who shipped us off at every opportunity to now refuse to do any childcare. It's pretty shit of them really!

How old is dc? It'd be really sad if they're at the age of still learning who important people are and they start to think MiL isn't much because there's no effort

I might be wrong, but despite how you've worded your op I get the feeling this is more to do with them being so close and she doesn't want to bond as opposed to being annoyed she doesn't offer childcare?
Yanbu if that's the case. I'd be hurt if my MiL didn't only not make the effort but not want to make the effort if they lived so close

@BastardMonkfish this is also probably a lot to do with it, my mum worked and I was cared for several days a week by both of my grandmas, who I was very close to and had a huge involvement in my life and upbringing.

I would of course appreciate the help there is no denying that, however I think I feel sad because they don’t seem to want to do anything with them on a deeper level. The kids absolutely love them and don’t get my wrong they are very good with them when they do see them. I guess I need to lower my expectations and try to ignore the regular sky digs about it from my DM.

@3plantpots

I think I will stop the pretence to others. I suppose I do it because I feel embarrassed.

I also suggest trips out, lunch, swimming etc to do things together- usually nodded to and all the right noises but then never happens. I’ve kind of given up a bit on that lately tbh as I thought it was maybe me she didn’t want to spend time with, hence focusing on the GP/DC relationship on their own/in a childcare capacity. I suppose it’s not helped by my family living hours and hours away and always being desperate to see more of them.

Have you 'suggested' potential trips that she may then think she has to organize or pay for or have you said "MiL I am taking the DC swimming/lunch/the park on Wednesday, please do come along". There's a difference.

At any rate, she owes you nothing in terms of childcare. Be disappointed that she's not super interested in her DGC for their own sakes, but not because she won't babysit when you want her to.

If she had previously said she was going to be a hands-on grandparent who'd have them 3 days a week and you based your choice to have kids partly on that (my friends had a second child because MIL was delighted to offer 3 days a week up for childcare and dropped days at work to do so- they couldn't have afforded it otherwise, so I've seen this happen) - I could see why you'd be a bit put out.

But frankly nobody, not even your own family, owe you childcare - it's not like she never has them, she does occasionally if you need it and she's free, that's still more than she 'has' to.

I sympathise that you might have pictured a different grandparental relationship (or a different level of MIL support) but fundamentally, don't have kids unless you're prepared to do literally everything yourself. It's nobody else's responsibility and not everyone is interested in small children or in parenting style duties long after their own kids are grown up.

Is it lovely when parents are really hands on with their own children's offspring and have a close relationship? Yes, of course. But it's not a guarantee, it's not owed, and I'm not sure why you'd be hurt by it. She's not slagging you off or snubbing you, she provides support when she wants to or feels able. That's it. It seems you're actually more disappointed that she doesn't fulfil the idea of the grandma/MIL you assumed your children would get, rather than the one she actually wanted to be.

I find this such an odd viewpoint. If your grandparents were happy to provide childcare that's up to them. Your parents are different people, why should they make that same choice for themselves? It's not shit of them - it's not a quid pro quo like play dates.

Each generation of people can make their own decision whether to have children. They can then make their own decision whether or not to do childcare for any subsequent grandchildren.

Having a child does not mean you agree to babysit or 'practically raise' any kids they might have in future.

[quote 3plantpots]@BastardMonkfish this is also probably a lot to do with it, my mum worked and I was cared for several days a week by both of my grandmas, who I was very close to and had a huge involvement in my life and upbringing.

I would of course appreciate the help there is no denying that, however I think I feel sad because they don’t seem to want to do anything with them on a deeper level. The kids absolutely love them and don’t get my wrong they are very good with them when they do see them. I guess I need to lower my expectations and try to ignore the regular sky digs about it from my DM.[/quote]
This is telling...what is your DM saying? Is she the one making you feel bad about this?

Because this does mostly seem to be about what other people think/expect...

Completely agree @BastardMonkfish
I was 1994. My gran and grandad swapped shifts with my mum who was a single parent. Almost like the three of them co-parented together
Despite my dad having no input, his mum still came to visit me and take me out and had me to stay at weekends. Occasionally he would drop in but all the effort was made by my gran
I had friends at school the same. There was always grandparents around for drop-off and pick-up

* This is telling...what is your DM saying? Is she the one making you feel bad about this?

Because this does mostly seem to be about what other people think/expect...*

Great point. As your mum stays 3 hours away she will of course be making comments re this
She would love to see your DC more but can't. Your MiL lives next to you but doesn't see DC through choice
You need to make your own decisions about how you feel on the situation and what is best for you and DC

try to ignore the regular sky digs about it from my DM.

Ah. Your mum's stirring the pot. Now that is completely unfair, and you should not be letting her do that. And if you're judging them because your mum is, then I'm going to pull back on what I said before. It's entirely wrong to do that.

If the GPs are seeing them once a week or so, are good with them when they see them and your kids love them, then you and the DCs are doing better than a lot. And it is starting to seem to be about childcare and your mum's jealousy turning into having a go at them.

My PILs were stunning GPs, but lived three hours away. My mum was entirely disinterested in being a GP. But my lovely MIL never said a word against her.

hence focusing on the GP/DC relationship on their own/in a childcare capacity

Maybe this is why they don't get involved - they don't want to be involved in a childcare capacity and have therefore kept their distance. It's a pity they don't seem interested in spending more time with the kids but seeing them every couple of weeks is a lot more than some grandparents do. Just because you live near them doesn't mean they have to want to see you all frequently. As for what people say regarding their help, why go along with it? Just say that the grandparents see them every couple of weeks but you have a babysitter for when you want to go out.

YABU to think they owe you free childcare. They've raised their own children, and if they don't want to help raise anyone else's, that's their prerogative.

Hang on- they see them once every week or two? That is not “hardly ever” or “no interest”. It might not be as much as you want, or as much as you anticipated and you clearly resent not having more childcare. But if she is interested in them when she does see them, their relationship will be fine in all likelihood. Is the issue that you feel you would like more help? Or do you genuinely feel once a week is not enough? Or is the issue that even when your PIL do spend time with the children you feel they aren’t really making much effort (as in, they are physically there but paying little attention to the children)?

I saw my maternal grandparents about 4 times a year and we always felt loved and were far closer than to my paternal grandparents who we saw far more often. It’s not about the actual amount of time, it’s the quality of the time spent. So, if your MIL is making good use of the time she does spend with her grandchildren, it does not matter if it’s every few weeks- they will form a decent relationship. If the issue is that you actually just want more help with childcare, well then I’m afraid that is one of this “would be nice if..” situations, but it’s not really fair to expect it and it does not mean your PIL do not care about their grandchildren. If your main problem with the situation is that you feel they don’t pay attention/spend time with the children, even when they are physically with them, then that is a different matter- and even seeing them more often wouldn’t change it.

Maybe you could try thinking about why your MIL acts as she does. Though I do think it a little unfair to single her out- even if your FIL works, he presumably has time off so he could make more of an effort then. Perhaps she is genuinely enjoying her retirement, and is busy when she says she is? Perhaps she does not want her retirement to revolve around her grandchildren/providing childcare- which is fine. Perhaps she finds them exhausting and would manage easier with only one at a time? Maybe she is not particularly maternal/does not enjoy young children. Perhaps you could ask, if it really does upset you?

My mum doesn’t make any digs about MIL’s total lack of interest - she offers to pick her up to come see us. I think she just thinks it’s terribly sad.

I have such a small family - there’s only me and my mum (My father left when I was two - and I have no grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins). But DH is one of four - thought it would be lovely for the DC (when they came along) to have a big family like I didn’t have - but DH’s family are so distant.

I totally get it OP, those saying 'its not there responsibility" etc are right of course, but it still sucks. Firstly, what's parent wouldn't like a break every now and then?!? Also, it's hurtful when even your children's own gps can't be arsed to have a relationship with them. My PIL live 5 mins away and we see them anyone once every 2 weeks, for about an hour. They never look after the kids, or offer to have them or all of us round etc. We've given up with them to be honest. My children are wonderful (and I really don't think I'm being deluded in thinking that) so ultimately they are missing out and they will miss out when they're older and the kids don't know them (and to be honest, we don't want to either!!)

It’s sad that you’re upset about it. I can see why you’d feel that way as you had such a close relationship with your own grandparents.

I think different families just have different dynamics. Seeing them once a week or every few weeks for tea would be quite normal for a lot of people. I think perhaps it seems more odd because you live so close to them.

Personally I don’t want to be looking after my (hypothetical!) grandchildren when I get older. Certainly not overnight or for whole days / long weekends. I have done all that with my own children, the lack of sleep, the screaming and whinging I love my dc more than life itself but I want my own leisure time back, sleep when I like, get up do what I like. I’ll do the odd cover for appointments and emergencies and I’ll have them round to visit etc but I really don’t want to be any sort of childcare.

ribbonsred

I would feel upset and hurt too. What a shame. My MIL would be round every day near enough, if she lived that close. How can you nurture your children's relationship with their grandparents?“

Every day? OTT.

Both sets of grandparents lived hundreds of miles away, saw the children maybe 3/4 times a year. Good, loving relationships, it’s perfectly possible.

Yabu. As a few of you know, our DGS is a frequent visitor. However, DD and DSIL have never factored our availability into their working or social life without first asking, and if the answer's "no", they make other arrangements.

Grandparenting is a mutual privilege. It's sad if either side don't want it, but life is full of unpleasant surprises.

As a Granny who has always been heavily involved with my DGC ( childcare , outings, holidays etc) I am always sad when I read on MN about people who don’t have support . In my circle , all Grandparents help and support their DC and DGC.
Having said that , I don’t understand why so many people on MN try to push a relationship between grandparents and DGC when the grandparents clearly aren’t bothered. Yes it would be nice but it’s not essential . My DM fell out with her parents shortly after my older DB was born so I barely knew them . Their loss, I was ok.

@Nextchapterofmybook

YANBU but don’t lie, when people ask say it’s a shame they don’t see them that much

This! She may be singing the praises of her grandkids but if she makes out that she is seeing them lots and helping loads, when someone says "Oh you must be so happy to be able to call on MiL to help out as often as she does", don't lie about it and just clarify that she doesn't see them as often as she is making out and that is quite sad as the grandkids love their granny.

Yabu and why let people assume they help you out! Stop be truthful.