To be upset that MIL lives on same street and hardly sees DC

[3plantpots]

I’m really starting to struggle to hold my tongue on this with my DH and others and pretend it’s all fine when it’s not really.

My DC’s GPs live 5 minutes walking distance from us if that, yet have never once offered to take them out, have a sleepover, have them for an evening so we can go out etc. They see them once every 1 -2 weeks, best we get is sometimes for tea. MIL is retired. I ask if she can look after them odd times if I want to go to an appointment, I’d say this is agreed to about one in five times, other times too busy or got something else to do. I give lots of notice. Then the rare times she does take them it’s literally for the precise amount of time needed, no more, no ‘don’t rush back’ or ‘I’ll keep them until bed time’. Now I know my MIL is entitled to do what she wants with her time and I obviously can’t make anyone do anything, but am I BU to be a bit upset by this?

I find it worst when people pass comment on what lovely children they are, polite etc, and that MIL must love having them so close/seeing them all the time etc. I have to sort of smile and gloss over it then feel very embarrassed and hurt that actually I have to pay a babysitter for any childcare we have and they see very little of them. AIBU?

I think a lot of people miss the point on these threads. I don't think it's so much the assumption that someone else should be looking after their children (that they chose to have, yeah yeah, we get it) but more so the fact it's a shame that they don't want to.

I was very lucky, I had very involved grandparents who had me every weekend and I absolutely loved it, my home life was fairly chaotic as mum worked a full time stressful job, my dad wasn't around and my brother was challenging to say the least so those weekends with my grandparents made such a difference to me. We are still close even now.

So if my mum wasn't that interested in my children or if my MIL didn't really care or offer to help, I probably would compare to my own grandparents rightly or wrongly. Not because I think anyone owes anyone else childcare but because it would be so opposite to what I had come to expect from loving grandparents. I appreciate that kind of life isn't for everyone and a lot of people think well I've had mine and been there done that. But would be lying if I said I wouldn't of found it disappointing.

So on that front I get it OP.

We live next door to my ILs and it's the same. They moan that they don't see them enough but can't be bothered to walk 20yds, we have to deliver them. For SIL's kids they'll happily jump in the car and drive 6 hours to visit. I think it's true that familiarity breeds contempt, my kids are there all the time and they are just not interested.
They have only taken my DC out on their own once and then spent a week complaining about the cost, if other grandchildren visit it's non stop days out which my eldest is invited along too as then they don't have to look after the youngest ones themselves.
I grew up really close to my grandparents but DH only saw his at Christmas so I suppose this is normal for them, but they get jealous that DC have a closer relationship to my parents even though they don't live near.

@HalfCakeHalfBiscuit

YABU - why should MIL take on your childcare responsibilities?

It's really not about the childcare responsibilities though is it?

YABU. Your MIL has raised her child/ children and youre children are not her responsibility. Proximity is irrelevant.
However, I would be hurt in this situation, but more so for thinking the MIL didnt seem to want to develop the sort of relationship I'd had with my grandmother. But at the end of the you made the choice to have children, not you're MIL.

Maybe the MIL has her own life too. I think seeing the GC weekly, them all having a nice time together when they meet, and MIL being happy in her own life is the best of all worlds for the MIL. So much better than the MIL/DM who have no life outside family and need to spend all their time with their adult DC and can’t cope/get angry/depressed if they can’t be involved with every aspect of their life, because they have no hobbies, social life of their own.

DM moved closer to us when DF died a few years ago. DC is a teen so no baby sitting required. She had to set up a new social circle of friends, so not completely reliant on us for social interaction. Obviously lockdowns curtailed that, but she is now slowly meeting up with them again. Which is lovely to see. I would rather that than her whole life revolving round us

@BoredatHome321 I would say it is in this instance as the MIL does see the GC regularly and has a relationship with them

@toomuchlaundry hmm yeah, reading it back i think you could be right.. point taken

We have 3 GC , I would love to see them more, but their mother is a embryonic MN MIL, her kids will eventually see her true colours...I'm sure she would paint me in a bad light but I'm now ambivalent towards her. I had to block her on all media due to her harassment.
When I read these posts I often wonder what the other side would say.

My parents love my DC to bits, and are generous and kind with their time when we see them. They just don’t want to care for them on their own. They haven’t even had them in emergencies and I’ve had to draft in friends. They only live 15 minute drive away. It is what it is. We’ve only been out twice on our own, and never a night away, in the 14 years since we’ve had DCs. My in-laws would have them at the drop of a hat for any reason, but they live 6 hours away. They are coming to stay next week and we have plans for a romantic dinner 😁

I understand. She shouldn’t ‘have to’ be a glorified babysitter etc etc, but I don’t think that’s what you’re insinuating op. It would be nice if she WANTED to spend time with the kids. If she WANTED to feed them and have them stay and spoil them. But she doesn’t. My MIL was very like this when kids were small and it continued as they got older. Now she wonders why she never sees them or they never contact her. BECAUSE SHE MADE IT CLEAR THEY WERE WAY DOEN HER LIST OF PRIORITIES and they know where they stand now.

I have some really lovely memories from my own childhood of staying with my grannies, sewing, picking fruit, cooking and going on shopping expeditions to buy books. I had a little circle of friends around both their houses and one granny used to set us out tea in the garden and act as waitress. I used to stay with aunties too, and had a great time with them ( especially the one who lived on a farm) Yes, it is sad when grandparents don't want to be involved, but I think they are losing out too.

Let her see them on your terms only. Not when it suits them. When you would like a break Can't stand selfish grandparents

Like the saying goes you can choose your friends but not your family
I posted earlier on this thread
Their is some in-laws out there are brilliant and some just think of themselves cannot care about grandchildren
I posted earlier mine was the ones that really did not want to know
My children even remember the time I asked in-laws please could they pop to chemist to get some dyralite as all the children had a bad sickness bug myself included and I had just used the last ones
Hubby was at work and youngest was a baby
In-laws replied sorry we are going out later
Me and kids laugh about it now as I had to get them all in the car with a bucket Guess what it went every where
Just pointing out some really do not care
But all of a sudden when in-laws get old and can’t drive you find yourself getting calls saying can you pick this up and that run is to hospital etc and why do the grandchildren never visit us
Point is if they cared yeas ago they would be getting lots of care now it’s their loss I brought my children up with no help from in-laws and proud of it and offer no help to them as I’m now very busy with work and my grandchildren

@Skyla2005 is that an ironic post!

I’m pretty sure my mother didn’t think she was ‘missing out’ on her grandchildren by not seeing them all of the time. I think she would have thought she was ‘missing out’ on doing what she wanted to do in her own life by watching them go swimming.

My dc are older teens and have a good relationship with my mum and always have. But she never looked after them when they were growing up.

We’ve just spent a week my mum’s house during which she went out numerous times with her own friends and joined in with the activities that we did that interested her.

I don’t understand why you feel embarrassed about it. It’s not a bad thing to enjoy your life in other ways than through children.

[quote toomuchlaundry]@ancientgran that is so unfair to push a 16yo onto you. They are more than old enough to be on their own and to take responsibility for their studying.[/quote]
Thanks. I've got him and another here now, had four of them last week. I have spent so much on food this summer. I will feel rich next month.

@ancientgran it's never too late to start redefining your boundaries.

It's a difficult one isn't it? I think the childcare issue can often get conflated with grandparents not being interested/not having a relationship. If your MIL sees them weekly or thereabouts and they enjoy each others company during these times then I think its a bit harsh to say she is not interested. Dont get me wrong though - as someone who has very limited family support I get that it is hard seeing families where grandparents do help a lot. I wouldn't lie about them helping more though, everyone's situation is different and it doesn't reflect badly on you or DC.

My parents live very close and will for example cover if I have an appointment, do an emergency pickup if I'm held up at work etc. They wouldnt take DD for a day trip or have her overnight etc (again unless it was a dire emergency). But I visit regularly with DD and they have a lovely relationship with her.

My MIL used to provide very regular free childcare which was wonderful and a massive help and she was very close to DD as a result. PIL's have since moved abroad. Obviously COVID has impacted visits, but since they moved its like they are no longer interested in her. They never initiate contact/calls but always expect it to come from me, very rarely ask after her or how/what she is doing etc. And I think their relationship has and will suffer as a result. Its sad but these things can't be forced. However hard, I think we just have to accept how involved grandparents do or dont want to be involved

@Undecided1985

I think its understandable to be disappointed - we get no help from family for various (quite legitimate) reasons and i find it really hard at times to see the many others who get endless help almost to the point parenthood has a far far lesser impact on their lives. I think you just have to grieve a bit for what you are not going to have and move on and get on with it.

I would not lie and pretend MIL does more than she does - "oh well MIL is so busy that she does help now and again but not on a regular basis " that avoids people presuming you have it easy because she lives close by and also avoids giving her credit for things she is not doing.

We did have an issue with SIL with similar type issues eg wld have been v v easy for her to make some effort with our kids but she chose not to but MIL wanted to keep some pretence that SIL was a wonderful auntie and v involved etc whenever she spoke to wider family. At times MIL was often jacking visits to enable SIL to appear as if she was doong stuff with kids when she was not. Like you we were shocked really in the way SIL behaved and it took a while to just accept she wasn't interested so we weren't going to waste any more energy on her and equally we were not having MIL pretend that SIL was this wonderful auntie that she was not. So we just left it at that

As a pp said what hurt was the lack of any bit of interest from SIL we never had any expectations relating to childcare etc also like another pp said SIL will be type to show interest when they are older or when she is older and expects them to help her - but you cant take out what you never bothered to put in. I found SIL issue a bit more irkesome because before children where born she was always pulling the family card whenever she wanted something for herself then it was "oh sorry i am too busy" as soon as family meant other people.

sadly this is life! you have to accept it as it is and not pretend it can ever be something else. At least MIL has them on an occasional basis and is close to hand in case of any big emergencies.

But in this case OP’s MIL sees her grandchildren every week or two and does help out (albeit not every time she is asked). By OP’s own admission, when she is with the children she is engaged and both she and the children enjoy themselves, they have a good relationship. In what way is that “not regular” or “not interested”?

It might not be what OP wants, it might not be what she expected based on her own family growing up- but that certainly doesn’t mean MIL does not care about her grandchildren and it does not appear uninterested either (and I note FIL has no such expectations laid at his door).

Why the feck do people have children and think they have a right to expect family to hell them out.

You choose to have a child therefore your making a concious informed decision that you are capable of bringing them up. Yes for emergencies support is welcome but otherwise that is what childcare is for.

If you have parents who are more than happy to spend their personal time doing it, good for you but it should never be an expectation.

If I had a child and spent almost 18yrs brining them up and then some, havingin most cases sacrificed my hobbies, lifestyle etc. Why would I want to do that again when I'm retired, old, might not have that much energy. Id want my life back thanks with a balance of seeing gc not having gc become my whole life.

Life isn't all about children.

Why the feck do people have children and think they have a right to expect family to hell them out

I know, it’s weird given the only two people involved in that choice are the parents. It’s a bit like moaning children cost money. It’s known before hand surely that they are expensive and will need parenting. Obviously the more you have the more that increases. Still many blame others or the state for not assisting more etc.

This is such a bonkers thread to me, I honestly cannot believe how many people are basically saying that MIL cba and is the one missing out… she sees the children every week or so, she has them for tea here and there, will look after them when asked when she is able to, she loves them and they love her. That’s the ideal isn’t it?! So what if you have to pay a babysitter of an evening once in a while, I honestly can’t blame someone firmly out of their small child phase of life for not feeling able to (or even just not wanting to) go back to that, even if it is just for an evening. It can feel very full on.
Your mum needs to butt out tbh OP. I think that’s where the issue is coming from really. She’s being very unfair both to you and to your MIL. Easy to be snide when you’re miles away and have no obligation-by-proximity to help yourself! You need to tell her to back off with the comments and mean it.