Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that husband exposed my ignorance

221 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 22/08/2021 23:48

Had a friend/ ex colleague over. Husband was there as well since he's also friends with her.

We were chatting about something distantly related to work. My friend mentioned something that I had little knowledge about, but I went along with it anyway and didn't ask her to explain. Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then? Basically put me on the spot and exposed my ignorance. I felt very awkward and embarrassed and really just very upset, mainly because it's vaguely related to work so I feel I should know about this, esp in front of my colleague.

After my friend left, I raised this with him. He laughed and said it was with a good friend, so no big deal. He then said sorry with a laugh. I was still visibly upset and just went upstairs; he hasn't said anything else though he knows that I'm upset (though he probably hasn't realised just how upset it's made me).

I'm probably hormonal to be having a cry about what seems to be a little thing but AIBU to be cross with him and to feel upset that he's done this?

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 22/08/2021 23:49

That’s a horrible thing to do. I’d be looking at his motive for that.

FangsForTheMemory · 22/08/2021 23:49

No, he was being a prick.

flipflopslap · 22/08/2021 23:50

I'd be really unhappy too OP!

PrincessNymeria · 22/08/2021 23:50

Why didn't you just admit you don't know much about x..?

Kite22 · 22/08/2021 23:51

Crying seems extreme, but, IMO, it is never a nice thing to try to expose anyone's ignorance in company.
Of course YANBU to be cross with him.
I don't know if he normally doesn't think or if he does think that it is okay to be unkind.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 22/08/2021 23:52

You lied and he called you out on it. It wouldn’t have been an issue if you’d not lied.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/08/2021 23:53

That was an assholey thing to do. I wouldn't do it even to someone I disliked!

RicherThanYew · 22/08/2021 23:53

Why didn't her husband just not act like a dick? Fml. Some posters really make me raise an eyebrow for their lack of tact.

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 22/08/2021 23:53

@PrincessNymeria

Why didn't you just admit you don't know much about x..?
Because it was just something in passing and my friend wasn't asking me if I knew what it was. It wasn't crucial for understanding the point she was making.
OP posts:
PrincessNymeria · 22/08/2021 23:53

*Sorry that came accross a bit harsh, I can see why you just nodded along, but it's okay to say you don't know much about something, if you don't, we can't all know everything. I wouldn't worry about it. But yes x was a bit of a dick to point it out (unless you have form for that sort of thing).

PrincessNymeria · 22/08/2021 23:54

*sorry your dh was a dick to point it out

Cuddlyrottweiler · 22/08/2021 23:55

I HATE when people do that. It's such a dickish power move, deliberately trying to humiliate someone. Absolutely not something you do to your partner. If I think my husband doesn't understand something someone else is talking about then I discretely help him and he does the same. I'd feel like shit if he put me on the spot like that.

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 22/08/2021 23:57

@Kite22

Crying seems extreme, but, IMO, it is never a nice thing to try to expose anyone's ignorance in company. Of course YANBU to be cross with him. I don't know if he normally doesn't think or if he does think that it is okay to be unkind.
I don't think he was deliberately being unkind, but he can be insensitive sometimes and not realise that what he's doing might be hurtful.
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2021 23:59

Your husband deliberately tried to make you look like a fool in front of your colleague. How you reconcile that I have no idea. I would think this isn't the first time he's been a massive prick.

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 00:00

@Cuddlyrottweiler

I HATE when people do that. It's such a dickish power move, deliberately trying to humiliate someone. Absolutely not something you do to your partner. If I think my husband doesn't understand something someone else is talking about then I discretely help him and he does the same. I'd feel like shit if he put me on the spot like that.
I think he was genuinely interested in knowing if I knew about x, as he probably didn't expect me to. Still, very insensitive of him to be doing that in front of company, even if it's friends.

I like your idea of discreetly helping your partner in social situations.

OP posts:
ActonSquirrel · 23/08/2021 00:03

Do you do this a lot though.

Tbh I also get annoyed when people pretend to know something they don't.

I've never been ashamed to say I don't know something. Everyone knows something the next person doesn't.

He does sound as if he made too big a deal of it and enjoyed it and for that he is an asshole

spotcheck · 23/08/2021 00:05

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

You lied and he called you out on it. It wouldn’t have been an issue if you’d not lied.
He absolutely could have 'called her out on it'. When they were on their own. Doing it in front of someone else is just mean.

There are some people who use their intelligence or their knowledge like a club to bash other people with. Sometimes it's easy to get swept up if you don't have the confidence to say that you don't know/ understand

Kite22 · 23/08/2021 00:09

It is confusing when you name change part way through a thread. Means your posts aren't highlighted and it isn't always clear it is the same person.

I do think the posters asking why you didn't just say you didn't know much about {whatever it was she mentioned} in the first place though.

Not that it makes it right for him to try and make you look silly.

Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 00:10

If it's something I'd never heard about, I'd have said so. But I wasn't sure and took a guess, basically. But it was wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeIsAnArt · 23/08/2021 00:14

@Kite22

It is confusing when you name change part way through a thread. Means your posts aren't highlighted and it isn't always clear it is the same person.

I do think the posters asking why you didn't just say you didn't know much about {whatever it was she mentioned} in the first place though.

Not that it makes it right for him to try and make you look silly.

The name change wasn't deliberate, it was the default setting and I didn't realise.

Of course I should've just confessed that I wasn't sure. But we all have moments where we don't think too much and just nod along with something.

OP posts:
SpindleWhorl · 23/08/2021 00:26

Yeah, that was uncalled for and rude.

What did the friend think, and act like? Did she find you a figure of fun, or was she embarrassed?

Interesting dynamic.

Nancydrawn · 23/08/2021 00:31

It's a dick move.

That said, how much of a dick move it is depends on the subject. I'm not fishing - you don't have to tell us what it was - but there's a big difference between something like teasing you for not knowing something about Marvel movies (which is a subject that no sane person would judge you for not knowing about) or openly mocking you for not knowing who the Prime Minister (which is something you really ought to know).

If the former, I can imagine that it's very insensitive teasing.

If the latter, he's either trying to make you feel stupid, is trying to prove that he's smart, or both. I suppose there's an off chance he's just the world's most insensitive and unaware person, but I think it's a malicious thing to do.

daisyjgrey · 23/08/2021 00:46

He behaved like a dick but I'd argue that pretending you know about something for no reason other than to save yourself having to admit you don't know/looking 'clever' is also quite dickheady.

BadLad · 23/08/2021 00:47

@Nancydrawn

It's a dick move.

That said, how much of a dick move it is depends on the subject. I'm not fishing - you don't have to tell us what it was - but there's a big difference between something like teasing you for not knowing something about Marvel movies (which is a subject that no sane person would judge you for not knowing about) or openly mocking you for not knowing who the Prime Minister (which is something you really ought to know).

If the former, I can imagine that it's very insensitive teasing.

If the latter, he's either trying to make you feel stupid, is trying to prove that he's smart, or both. I suppose there's an off chance he's just the world's most insensitive and unaware person, but I think it's a malicious thing to do.

On this thread a poster is surprised to find that Gordon Brown is no longer Prime Minister, and that it is actually Theresa May (at that time).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2721627-oh-i-never-watch-the-news

RoseRedRoseBlue · 23/08/2021 01:06

@daisyjgrey

He behaved like a dick but I'd argue that pretending you know about something for no reason other than to save yourself having to admit you don't know/looking 'clever' is also quite dickheady.
Completely. This whole thing was avoidable.
Swipe left for the next trending thread