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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that husband exposed my ignorance

221 replies

LifeIsAnArt · 22/08/2021 23:48

Had a friend/ ex colleague over. Husband was there as well since he's also friends with her.

We were chatting about something distantly related to work. My friend mentioned something that I had little knowledge about, but I went along with it anyway and didn't ask her to explain. Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then? Basically put me on the spot and exposed my ignorance. I felt very awkward and embarrassed and really just very upset, mainly because it's vaguely related to work so I feel I should know about this, esp in front of my colleague.

After my friend left, I raised this with him. He laughed and said it was with a good friend, so no big deal. He then said sorry with a laugh. I was still visibly upset and just went upstairs; he hasn't said anything else though he knows that I'm upset (though he probably hasn't realised just how upset it's made me).

I'm probably hormonal to be having a cry about what seems to be a little thing but AIBU to be cross with him and to feel upset that he's done this?

OP posts:
BeefSupreme · 23/08/2021 01:15

Liars always get found out

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2021 01:22

@BeefSupreme

Liars always get found out
🙄

FFS.

Susannahmoody · 23/08/2021 01:29

Well, what a shame we can all be as holy as all the other posters on here eh, op!

Hmm
melj1213 · 23/08/2021 01:41

If it was a work thing, could it have been that he was trying to participate in the conversation in that he wasn't sure what X was and didn't know if you knew, so asked with the intention being that if you also said "idk" he could have asked your friend to explain without it being too much of a detour?

But then, when you said you did know what X was, he asked you to explain for his benefit, rather than asking your friend and having it seem like he didn't believe you. The fact you lied and didn't have a clue what X was so couldn't explain it was not his fault.

I know I've been in your DHs position before where I've not understood something, asked someone else if they knew about it, been given an affirmative answer and then when I've asked follow up questions (out of genuine wish for knowledge/information, not to trip someone up) I've ended up embarrassing us both when it becomes clear they were bluffing and it was too late for either of us to backtrack, but at that point the only person who could have changed the outcome was the person who bluffed in the first place.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2021 01:52

I'm probably hormonal to be having a cry about what seems to be a little thing but AIBU to be cross with him and to feel upset that he's done this?
Why do we women talk ourselves out of our anger and repeat the patriarchal accusation against us that has been used from time immemorial to keep us doubting ourselves?

I'm talking about the accusation that we are beings who are not in control of ourselves, that we are irrational, that what abusers do to us isn't actually that big a deal, that we don't really have feelings, it's just our hormones getting the better of us when we have been humiliated/ insulted/ betrayed/ taken advantage of/ used, etc.

Your husband embarrassed himself only he is too much of an ignorant dick to realise it. I hope your colleague/friend went away with a horrible memory of what he did and that she feels sorry for you.

Get angry. Own it.

Oceanbliss · 23/08/2021 02:12

@LifeIsAnArt
My friend mentioned something that I had little knowledge about, but I went along with it anyway and didn't ask her to explain.

Nothing wrong with that. Sounds to me like you were listening and not interrupting her. Sometimes I find that if I continue listening x will become more clear and I gain better understanding. Sometimes I’ll ask for a definition to help me understand but only if it does not interfere with the flow of conversation.

Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then?

Everything wrong with that. He wasn’t just challenging you, he was talking to you as if he didn’t like you. And if I was with a partner or husband that I loved and thought loved me, I would cry too. And not because of hormones but because of a sense of betrayal.

me4real · 23/08/2021 02:33

Have there been other occasions where he's been an obnoxious twat? He was mocking you for fun.

Ok so you didn't want to seem like you didn't know something. I expect everyone's done that at some point in their lives. You weren't even lying to her, you just didn't say much as you didn't want to potentially go down in her estimation, and you thought you might've known the thing anyway. That's human, especially if it's with someone you work with. You didn't want your reputation at work effected, or someone else's view of you. We all do what we have to do.

He wasn't acting like he was on your team.

CallMeRisley · 23/08/2021 02:33

Ha ha @BadLad on that thread you’ve linked to from 2016, where the OP can’t believe that her acquaintances has never heard of the then PM Theresa May and another poster claims to think Gordon Brown is still the PM, the OP then says incredulously “two of them seemed to think Boris Johnson was running the country!” (Three years before he became PM). Maybe they knew more than she thought, after all!

me4real · 23/08/2021 02:34

Sometimes I find that if I continue listening x will become more clear and I gain better understanding

@Oceanbliss That's true, too.

EccentricaGalumbits · 23/08/2021 02:44

He was being a dick, and you had the opportunity to really turn things onto him and embarrass him for being so; "Bloody hell John, I was just trying to listen and not interrupt, why would you try to humiliate me in front of Jane like that while she's trying to tell a story?".

That moment has passed but please do remember that's exactly how your friend will reflect on the conversation - he's made himself look ignorant, not you.

1forAll74 · 23/08/2021 02:52

No need at all, to get upset about this.. How silly.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/08/2021 02:56

Sounds like he was trying to belittle you in front of your friend. YANBU

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2021 03:44

I don't think he needed to do that, if the point wasn't relevant to the conversation.
He humiliated you in front of the friend for no good reason. That's not a nice or kind thing to do to you.

Plumtree391 · 23/08/2021 04:12

That was a horrible thing to do.

PinniGig · 23/08/2021 04:46

No that's a shit trick and usually stuff reserved for the poorest characters and most ignorant person of all. Your friend / colleague probably felt it relfected badly on him more than any less of you I bet they were uncomfortable AF.

Most people I've met like that were dumb as shit, staff I worked with or managed and they would spew with excitement when I asked them to double check or do something I know is not a strength and I'd feel better having them just make sure I did right.

Normally they get a smirk and just "Really? Are we gonna do this and actually play "Which person is currently AWOL and being searched for by its villagers?" Wink

I'd tell him he was an utter dick, you're not being oversensitive at all you just don't care for him trying to call you out like a 12yr old girl on the school yard embarrassing whichever kid hasn't yet started her period.

PinniGig · 23/08/2021 04:55

Also just for general and future reference, I wouldn't try to blag and wing your way through anything you don't know and aren't sure about just ask.

Chip in straight away and go "Sorry what's that?" and think it a) shows you have enough about you to know it's impossible to know everything and b) It gives you freedom from any awkwardness or embarrassment if you're later called out and caught on the hop.

I'm murder for asking shit. Smart people ask and find out.

UnsuitableHat · 23/08/2021 04:58

Yanbu, it wasn’t necessary for him to try and show you up like that. Did it matter whether you knew much about the topic in question or not? Sometimes it’s easier just to blag it a bit to keep the conversation flowing. And of course you’re entitled to be upset.

PinniGig · 23/08/2021 05:14

@BeefSupreme

Liars always get found out
I love waiting for shit like this to pop up and honestly, there's never a long wait 😂😂😂😂
SilverTimpani · 23/08/2021 05:38

He was being a total dick.

SilverTimpani · 23/08/2021 05:40

I'm murder for asking shit. Smart people ask and find out.

This isn’t even a humble brag, just a straight up unmitigated one Grin

Jaguar77 · 23/08/2021 06:13

It's hard to judge this without knowing what you were bullshiting about. Was it something very minor?

Shoxfordian · 23/08/2021 06:19

Does he often try to make you look small in front of other people? He doesn’t sound very kind

KatherineJaneway · 23/08/2021 06:20

He was a real arse to put you on the spot.

Toddlerteaplease · 23/08/2021 06:22

I wouldn't have given a conversation like that with a good friend a second thought!

GemmaRuby · 23/08/2021 06:26

He was a complete dick. Asking if you knew what it was is in company is rude and patronising… but then demanding you prove it is humiliating.

I’m with you OP, if it was a minor detail I would just nod along and let the person continue, assuming that it would shortly become clear through context.