To feel upset that husband exposed my ignorance

[LifeIsAnArt]

Had a friend/ ex colleague over. Husband was there as well since he's also friends with her.

We were chatting about something distantly related to work. My friend mentioned something that I had little knowledge about, but I went along with it anyway and didn't ask her to explain. Husband then said to me: do you really know what x is? (Not spelling out what x is as it's outing) I said: yes... (though in reality I wasn't sure). He then said: what is it then? Basically put me on the spot and exposed my ignorance. I felt very awkward and embarrassed and really just very upset, mainly because it's vaguely related to work so I feel I should know about this, esp in front of my colleague.

After my friend left, I raised this with him. He laughed and said it was with a good friend, so no big deal. He then said sorry with a laugh. I was still visibly upset and just went upstairs; he hasn't said anything else though he knows that I'm upset (though he probably hasn't realised just how upset it's made me).

I'm probably hormonal to be having a cry about what seems to be a little thing but AIBU to be cross with him and to feel upset that he's done this?

@drpet49

* Am I overreacting in not wanting to talk to him still?*

^OP you do realise that not talking constitutes emotional abuse?

Not in this context.

OP isn’t using the silent treatment to control and abuse her H.

He is the one who is belittling her in front of colleagues and then laughing his behaviour off.

OP did not lie, nor was she pretending to be knowledgeable in something which would have a knock on effect on other things.

She was quietly nodding along to a conversation in a social setting.

Her H chose to purposely to make her look stupid. If OP had said no I don’t know (and she wasn’t positive she didn’t know anyway), he'd have laughed at her and when she said she knew he made her explain the point in order to make fun of her. He was sure she didn’t know this thing as it’s not her area of expertise but it is something he knows.

Belittling people is abusive, dismissing their concerns and upset as a ‘joke’ or turning around and a using people who you’ve mistreated as ‘raking over the past’ is abusive.

Most people need time away to recalibrate after being mistreated OP not talking to a goady, rude nasty H who gleefully makes fun of her and then dismisses her upset is normal. Not abusive.

It’s interesting I’ve seen more and more times posters on here accusing women who have boundaries of being the abusive one. And taking the abusers side.

Wonder why.

OP do you really want this to be the rest of your life?

@drpet49

* Am I overreacting in not wanting to talk to him still?*

^OP you do realise that not talking constitutes emotional abuse?

I think it's ok to feel too raw and angry to be in the right place to resolve a problem with an open heart but if you are using the silent treatment to manipulate the outcome, it's not at all good. It tends to be a behaviour that is well practised and hard to break.

@frazzledasarock

MN is full of posters berating women for not accepting the most appalling behaviour.

OP's husband deliberately humiliates her and laughs at her when she is so upset she crys...
And the OP is abusive for not wishing to speak to the nasty pig.🙄

Thanks everyone for the comments. They've made me reflect a lot.

No I don't plan on not speaking indefinitely; in fact I already feel a lot calmer today and we're on more civil terms. I think I needed some time, as a PP said, to recalibrate. I doubt many people can jump straight back in after an argument as if nothing's happened.

However, this episode has highlighted that there are things in the relationship that need sorting out. In particular the way disagreement is dealt with. Of the need to acknowledge feelings when one party is hurt. So I'm going to try and think of ways where this can be improved.

My husband is not as sympathetic a person as I would wish him to be, and I need to do some work in making him see how his actions can have a negative impact on other people's emotional life (not just with me, he can be blunt and harsh with his parents too, for example, even though deep down he loves them dearly and can be very defensive about them). It then becomes a vicious cycle as when I'm hurt by his words and actions and his seeming indifference to my suffering, I often loose the will to see anything positive in him.

@LifeIsAnArt

Thanks everyone for the comments. They've made me reflect a lot.

No I don't plan on not speaking indefinitely; in fact I already feel a lot calmer today and we're on more civil terms. I think I needed some time, as a PP said, to recalibrate. I doubt many people can jump straight back in after an argument as if nothing's happened.

However, this episode has highlighted that there are things in the relationship that need sorting out. In particular the way disagreement is dealt with. Of the need to acknowledge feelings when one party is hurt. So I'm going to try and think of ways where this can be improved.

My husband is not as sympathetic a person as I would wish him to be, and I need to do some work in making him see how his actions can have a negative impact on other people's emotional life (not just with me, he can be blunt and harsh with his parents too, for example, even though deep down he loves them dearly and can be very defensive about them). It then becomes a vicious cycle as when I'm hurt by his words and actions and his seeming indifference to my suffering, I often loose the will to see anything positive in him.

Good luck OP - hope you sort things out!

''Reading this thread it's not surprising so many people are unhappy in their relationships when they think it's ok humiliate and embarrass someone to make a point and then laugh at them when they find this upsetting.''

I don't think people do disagree with the op though genuinely in their hearts, they see her point yet will turn against her just to troll as many ops get roasted in aibu even when their points are completely valid.

@Blindering

''Reading this thread it's not surprising so many people are unhappy in their relationships when they think it's ok humiliate and embarrass someone to make a point and then laugh at them when they find this upsetting.''

I don't think people do disagree with the op though genuinely in their hearts, they see her point yet will turn against her just to troll as many ops get roasted in aibu even when their points are completely valid.

I do wonder how many people are being deliberately provocative - what kind of human are they? How do they interact with their family and colleagues, do they interact on a human level in real life and are just arses online...so hard to know.

''I do wonder how many people are being deliberately provocative - what kind of human are they? How do they interact with their family and colleagues, do they interact on a human level in real life and are just arses online...so hard to know''

exactly and what irks me is that the same posters, who I presume are all female, will then moan about how society unfairly sees women as bitches or bitchy then do the exact thing they say women are unfairly condemned for. If anything they are just giving women a bad name and it's why people scoff at mumsnet as a respectable site.

Couldn't agree with the above more.

Such ugly obtuse posts.

So distasteful.

I'm glad OP realises that her husband isn't a particularly kind man.

He certainly isn't kind to her.
Not one bit surprised she is seeing him a bit more clearly.

Hopefully it will give her a bit more strength to stand up to his nastiness.

Kindness

''Couldn't agree with the above more.

Such ugly obtuse posts.

So distasteful.''

This with bells on. Too many threads on mn
turn into bun fights, pile ons against the op and people taking the op apart and twisting it completely out of context .
The fact that the op is getting criticised for ''lying'' on this thread is just bollocks to the first degree and another example of kicking somebody when they are down.

OP again you sound lovely and Yanbu. Your husband was being an ass xx

@LifeIsAnArt

Thanks everyone for the comments. They've made me reflect a lot.

No I don't plan on not speaking indefinitely; in fact I already feel a lot calmer today and we're on more civil terms. I think I needed some time, as a PP said, to recalibrate. I doubt many people can jump straight back in after an argument as if nothing's happened.

However, this episode has highlighted that there are things in the relationship that need sorting out. In particular the way disagreement is dealt with. Of the need to acknowledge feelings when one party is hurt. So I'm going to try and think of ways where this can be improved.

My husband is not as sympathetic a person as I would wish him to be, and I need to do some work in making him see how his actions can have a negative impact on other people's emotional life (not just with me, he can be blunt and harsh with his parents too, for example, even though deep down he loves them dearly and can be very defensive about them). It then becomes a vicious cycle as when I'm hurt by his words and actions and his seeming indifference to my suffering, I often loose the will to see anything positive in him.

What is striking about this post OP is that you are clearly putting yourself in the role of ' fixing' your husband. I made this mistake OP. I wasted so much of my life thinking, ' if only I can find the way to get through to him, if only I can find the way to make him see'. Endless, endless energy and conversations. All that energy, all that time, all that pain and frustration. And here is what I learnt. You can't fix someone else. You can't make them understand. You can't make them see. You can't get through to them. They have to come to YOU, acknowledging that they have a problem and they have to want to work to fix it. It has to come from them because they need to be 110% motivated to do the long hard work to put it right. If your husband is behaving like this with this parents then this is deep, deep rooted behaviour. He will have to be extraordinairly committed to change to be able to change, as it will take a lot of work and a lot of looking into himself that will be difficult and time consuming.
Don't waste your life in anger and frustration waiting for the change to come.

Personally I now prefer a maxim I heard on here, 'It is not your job to make him a better man, it is your job to find a better man.'

I meant to say if you do go down the route of wanting to see if he can change, put a time limit on when you need to see this change by and stick to it. Otherwise you may end up wasting your life waiting for this.

I'd be absolutely seething and would have called him out on the spot, "Of course I know what it is! What a rude thing to say! What are you trying to acheive?!" and more if necessary, enough that he'd be the one left feeling embarrassed.

@Balonzette

I'd be absolutely seething and would have called him out on the spot, "Of course I know what it is! What a rude thing to say! What are you trying to acheive?!" and more if necessary, enough that he'd be the one left feeling embarrassed.

In retrospect I really should have, there are so many ways that I could have responded to defend myself. But the truth is I was so taken aback that I didn't think to do it.

@Blindering @billy1966 @Harryhaha

Thank you. I was kind of prepared for the accusatory response as I'd seen it happen on MN, to myself and to others. But it's good to see that some people really get the point that I was making, and are sympathetic enough to make kind and constructive comments.

@Balonzette

I'd be absolutely seething and would have called him out on the spot, "Of course I know what it is! What a rude thing to say! What are you trying to acheive?!" and more if necessary, enough that he'd be the one left feeling embarrassed.

But that would be continuing the lie? She didn’t know, that’s the point.

''In retrospect I really should have, there are so many ways that I could have responded to defend myself. But the truth is I was so taken aback that I didn't think to do it.''

but this is natural, more often than we think we are usually taken aback or miss the significance of an attack or unacceptable behaviour until after when we reflect on it. Good on you for calling him on it after though.

Balonzette

I'd be absolutely seething and would have called him out on the spot, "Of course I know what it is! What a rude thing to say! What are you trying to acheive?!" and more if necessary, enough that he'd be the one left feeling embarrassed.

In retrospect I really should have, there are so many ways that I could have responded to defend myself. But the truth is I was so taken aback that I didn't think to do it.

^ that is not good advice. You would have come across so defensive it would have been so obviously a lie. Almost always better to say I'm not sure than BS. Doesn't mean he should have humiliated you though.

@Flittingaboutagain

Balonzette

I'd be absolutely seething and would have called him out on the spot, "Of course I know what it is! What a rude thing to say! What are you trying to acheive?!" and more if necessary, enough that he'd be the one left feeling embarrassed.

In retrospect I really should have, there are so many ways that I could have responded to defend myself. But the truth is I was so taken aback that I didn't think to do it.

^ that is not good advice. You would have come across so defensive it would have been so obviously a lie. Almost always better to say I'm not sure than BS. Doesn't mean he should have humiliated you though.

But surely that retort would come after he put me on the spot and confronted me with it? So it is defending myself against rude behaviour on his part? It's ok to be defensive when challenged in an inappropriate manner, I think. Though I'm not very good at it, at all.

@BillMasen have you even watched the film Liar Liar?

My ds has aspergers and lying was not something he did - I remember the first lie he told me at age 15 - I was so pleased, he had learned that socially, sometimes you just need to.

Personally I now prefer a maxim I heard on here, 'It is not your job to make him a better man, it is your job to find a better man.'

Oh @wednesdayweather
I am so stealing that👏.

I so agree.

My line wasn't half as elegant to my single friends over the years "Men are not bloody projects to fix"😂